Reconciling Saints

More from A Softer World

Sometimes I feel like I lead a dual life. Maybe it's what we all do and then again maybe the lesson is to be who you are no matter what.

My life takes odd twists and turns but always I fight to be me. I fight to be the best, most me that there is. I've fought everyone that's ever told me what they thought was wrong or how I should do things. Most especially, though, I've fought my parents.

I fought my parents to be me in high school. I've always known who Ceci is for as long as I can remember. In college I still fought to be Ceci and to be treated as an adult despite the threats of not paying for school anymore (to which I told them that that was fine by me). When I wanted to get married I fought for that because I thought I was right. It turned out to be a mistake, but it was a lesson to be learned. When I wanted a divorce (because it was a mistake) I fought for that despite my parents' beliefs, advice and admonishments. The list goes on.

Still... there are places I won't go with them... mainly because, well they disagree anyway so why keep going?

However, the family... also doesn't really know me. Maybe they guess... maybe it's ok for them to not know everything. It's odd that the people I grew up with and was so close to, became distant. I'm not sure that they would understand me and I don't think I can let them in totally. In a lot of ways, I deviate from a lot that we grew up with. In late high school/ early university my brother once asked me why I can't just do what the parents want and not argue. My sister and I used to be very close... and now, well now I feel like I don't even know who she is. My cousins... well, we all just went our own way to our own lives.

My friends, on the other hand, know everything.

How is it that I can be so much myself and yet... not? The things I like, the things I do, the way I live my life... not a lot is known there when it comes to family. It makes me feel like I'm living a lie of sorts or maybe a half-truth.

Can one ever be truly open about who one is with everyone?

See that?! I have a new look... well sorter me (HAIRCUT!) but mainly the blog. The bride didn't fit anymore... ANNNNDDD I finally got my blog pointing to my very own domain. Mine.

I'm doing a little snoopy happy dance inside.

Pants.

I'm also working on my other project with Missing Link, Ink. Well... I'm trying to. It's all a great idea... but right now it stands as just that... an idea.

However!
...

However, I feel fierce and new. I'm gaining more insight on how this machine called my brain works and how I, the me that is me, can use it best. I've got a better grasp on the view of things and like a child learning to walk, I'm falling and standing and stepping and wobbling. A lot. Down stairs. Literally.

*sigh*

It's hard and frustrating because it's all about teetering on that edge between giving up and sighing as you dust off your bottom to try again.

Amazing isn't it?

I'm supposed to be posting again. I'm supposed to be working on stories and things I want to write that make me more me.

I've a penchant for the melancholy. I blame the wine.

Then again it might be that I have to do a lot of work on myself and what I want to do. A lot of things involve a lot of work.

I hope I can do it.

I love to sing and I want to a bit more but sometimes... sometimes even in the shower, my voice falters.

I like the tickytappy of my fingers on the keys. It drowns all the other noises. Now if I can only give myself over and I can let go and just be in these words. If I could only just work instead of dream. It's so much easier to dream isn't it? But you get nothing out of just dreaming. It's one of the things I've finally drilled into my head. I have to work and work and work at it, like Amanda does. She works... and works... and works. She spends not a lot of time socializing and I barely get to talk to her but she's doing what she wants to.

Sometimes you have to wonder which one is worth more. Which is the harder to give up: a life, or your passion? Is there an in between.

So the question is, will there ever be an answer?

It was a rainy Sunday today and we all decided we'd laze about, work on homework, and prep for Halloween. We dyed our hair, M worked on our makeup and made various food (Cedric mainly who was responsible for our AWESOME breakfast and dinner.

M wouldn't participate but I made the boyo take pics.
Oh and I was fooling around with Cedric's hat... which I love.

Enjoy!

1) Suicide interventions SUCK ASS... especially when you're in the middle of packing and moving. Last night's attempt at the packing = FAIL!

2) Just because I yell at you (if that's how you see it) and I'm blunt with you does NOT mean I'm not your friend. I expect it from you when I'M being a dumb ass so why not the other way around???

3) If you're looking to have a good time when we all gathered to talk about a suicide attempt you're NUTS! Even if you figured we'd talk about it first and THEN have a grand old time, that's seriously stupid.

4) If you get mad at me because I/ we didn't allow #3 to happen, you have no leg to stand on!

5) I should not go on to gulp down 2 double vodka tonics and smoke half a pack (3/4 of a pack??? ) of Nat Sherman's thereafter.

Ugh!

If you say you're going to commit suicide, you better be DAMN sure you follow through with it or I will personally go over there and make sure you do it properly!

Actually... no, no good news. I was just using it a la the Professor in Futurerama where it's always followed by bad news for the crew.

I'm being diagnosed ... they're looking into a possible diagnosis??? ... for ADD. Common for bipolar... but guess what?! MORE MEDS!

I wish they'd just prescribe MDMA and call it good.

ALSO! Today is one of those days when I want to go home from work. I was done with it by 9:30am.

Some of you may have already gotten this rant so just skip the next 3 paragraphs.

I had left a sample on Mark's (one of the guys here) desk about what he thinks of the invitation to our open house. I made it simple and I was playing with fonts. He wasn't here when I was doing this nor when I dropped it off so I couldn't explain to him about how it was just a thought and the font wasn't EVEN set as I just grabbed one to fuck with the wording. ALLLLLL he could go on about today was the font so I told him how that wasn't set, I had grabbed any font since I just wanted an opinion on layout etc. I told him I'm still playing with it and I would take the one I used out of the running, that his thoughts were noted. He goes on to explain WHY the font doesn't work etc. I TOLD YOU I WOULD CHANGE IT!

Katheryn our accountant then decides to talk to Jim, one of the other guys here, right around the corner from me about what she thinks I should do. Apparently yesterday as she was leaving, the elevator wasn't locked. I hadn't locked it as it was ONLY 3 when I left and there were 5 people in the office. I know they all at least have instructions on how to do it, if not know how to do it. NOT ONLY THAT but I had no time to lock it as I was running to catch the MAX because I was late bsince SHE wanted me to install some software for her and talk to tech support about how to do it, despite the fact that I told her I could do it on my own. ANNNNNDDDDDD she knows how to lock the fucking elevator! I specifically gave her instructions and saw her write them down in her planner along with other instructions as to how to get into the building. She wants me to write them down for her again because GOD FORBID she look them up! This was followed by Mark popping out of his office asking me to please post the how to-s on locking/ unlocking the elevator near the elevator door. THEY ALL GOT THE FUCKING INFO ON ALL THIS IN A PACKET I MADE WHEN WE MOVED! PRINT THE FUCKER OUT!

The guy who commented on M's fachaybook about how he thinks coffee is disgusting after she had said that she loves coffee... I wanted to punch in the face! Who says that?! Keep your god damn opinions about what you think is disgusting when a person says they like something. He can go fuck him self in the ass with a chainsaw! I almost replied to him about how that was rude.

FUCK YOU MAN!

Not to mention that yesterday??? My cute little oddly cut plaid skirt??? Katheryn said... "How cute! Your skirt... did you make it yourself by cutting a hole in a table cloth?"

*blink*

>>twitch<<

Do people think it's OK to be rude in a... seemingly ok way??? (I really don't know how else to word that... Perhaps Cedric can help)

I'm SOOOO tempted to just give them the rundown about the bipolar diagnosis and how I can't take this shit right now. I'm tempted to tell them so that perhaps they try to not be a 5 year old and to do something on their own as well as so that I can leave RIGHT NOW without any complaints or other explanations. It will also explain my lack of focus lately, which is what has led to the ADD diagnosing.

*breathes*

Not to mention that my period has put me in an irritable mood that is just exacerbating(That's a big word for an 8 year old!) the situation.

I NEEEEEDDDD a trust fund... or to win the lottery... or just enough money to head to KY to join Stephen in his drinking binge.

I'll keep you posted if I do happen to cut a bitch...

/rant

Today is an odd day. I find myself in a position where I could teeter either way, but mainly I'm back to my instinct to just fight it.

There is a way out. I will find a way to do this... and by this I mean LIVE!

Just one more time... I'd like to be myself...

Times like this, I don't feel like I have been. Then again... maybe I'm just holding on to the person that was... the person that keeps trying to be who she was.

Tonight I don't care.

I want to do all the stupid things I used to... and I want to do them for the same reason I've always done them.

Right now, however, I have no one to be my accomplice.

Stephen's drinking away at a bar with friends. It's almost 2am where he is. I called him, but do you know how hard it is to talk to someone when you're at a bar??? Yeah, I wasn't going to make him do that.

Tonight the manic is creeping in perhaps... but I don't blame anyone, I just know that this will happen and that I just have to ride it and go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep!

I want to go out... and drink and talk and smoke. I want to do all those things that you're not supposed to because it's too late and you have work tomorrow and it's better to not drink that much and to not be hung over in the morning.

If it wasn't for the fact that there was no one to do this with, I'd be out.

EVERYONE is in early. EV.RY.ONE! ...and yes I know there's an "e" missing in there.

Why isn't anyone up to talk about life, the universe and everything?!

I'd go back to M's but she's probably asleep or falling asleep. The boyo was passed out on the bed when I got home and I don't know anyone else well enough to know if they're up or not.

There's no one to play with! There's no one to go to the bar with... no one's place to hang out at. YES! These are things I sometimes need. YES! I want more.

Is that so hard to understand??? I don't understand it when people can't push past to keep living... manic Ceci does not get that. She's also not getting the night she wants of talking and drinking and possibly smoking. She's even resorted to calling someone who probably doesn't want anything to do with her. Well, I was hoping she'd be up as I don't know anyone else with my sleep habits. Ah well.

This always happens when I hear a good album... I blame James.

Damnit... everyone is sleeping! Y'all suck.

I'm lonely. I'm pissed off. This sucks. I want some fun.

"Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it."
Mary Kay Blakely


Then there's my other favorite:

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you”
Margaret Atwood

I have 2 friends who... for better or for worse... are getting a divorce.

Strike that... I have more than that, but the other ones are for a lot of good reasons and they have tried and been through their own trials and tribulations.

...

Then again, maybe I'm too close to the current problem to know that maybe it IS for all the right reasons. The only thing I can say about this one and what went wrong is that there was a communication breakdown. They never learned to communicate and through it solve their problems/ express to each other what was needed. So after about a year+ of this problem, it's all gone to shit.

There are 2 BIG reasons that this one particular parting of ways bothers me:
- They ADORE each other. Never had I heard anyone go on so fully about how happy they never thought they'd be in a marriage and how awed they were by how much they had found in this new life. For him, a reason to live (there are those of us who never thought we'd see 30 or beyond) and for her, a match that compliments her.
- I've been through this almost exact situation with the boyo and not only survived it, but learned lessons about us and myself. Mistakes happen and if it means enough and you're both strong enough, you can survive it.

I've resigned myself to the fact that they have both fucked this up enough that there is a 1% chance that their marriage can survive it. This is one of the heartbreak stories, in my opinion, but I do firmly believe that if they learn their lessons from this ordeal, they can be better and stronger for it as individuals. I don't believe that there's just ONE person for everyone like I used to when I was a kid. I do believe that there are certain people that come into our lives that are worth holding on to. If we can't then it's sad, but like I said, hopefully we can learn that lesson. Down the road we might be able to apply what we've learned from that and be happier for it.

Today, however, I mourn the death of this marriage... which, I must say, is odd for me to do since I do understand that life is change.

DUCK!

...

then pick them up and use the ones that didn't splatter for your vodka.

It's funny, the ups and downs of life and how one copes with it all. There are times when I let the lemons get to me bruises and all. I have to remind myself that last week or maybe yesterday or even the last hour brought good things. It can be difficult or it can be easy... it's mostly up to me.

Let me tell you, sometimes... and especially when you can't seem to catch a break in the more life affecting things... sometimes it's really hard!

Today's Life Lemons came from the colleges and universities that Da5id has applied to/ is applying to for nursing school. They changed their requirements. What does this mean??? Unless Da5id takes 3 more classes and gets As in all (while working his job), there's no h-way he's getting into nursing school.

What does that mean??? He has to go the long way around, which involves getting into a similar program for his bachelor's degree then taking 2 more years for nursing.

Really????

Ugh.

To counteract that I'm going to give you the good things in life, 'cause I have to remember them:
- ALLLLLL my friends new and old
- moving in with Cedric and M
- my ever growing and increasing love life... that boyo and I are just doing wonderfully
- a Bar on each floor!
- my new iPhone (thank you work!)
- a new battery for Eddie the Shipboard Computer
- David's introduction of The xx to me and mine
- Getting Hobbies...
- Being able to play World of Warcraft AND have a social life! HA! Take that boyo!
- Duckett's
- BBQ-offs
- dreaming positively of future plans

*grabs a slice of lemon and squeezes it into her vodka *

Last night's Bat for Lashes show was incredible. I had SUCH a great time and I couldn't sleep 'til 2am because I was just so charged up. I was going to write some but I called stePHen instead. I love that boyo. We talked and talked and talked. What an awesome night... what a great night to bring me back to me after The Monster that escaped this week.

The world is a safe place again.

Did I mention that the therapist and the psychiatrist kicked around the notion of putting me on Prozac for these days of the month?

...

Yes, it is that bad.

Is it any wonder I asked to get back on the pill???

Save me
save me
save me

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

And none of these
Thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so bad
I need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Save me
save me
save me

Save Me
Jem

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
2 undernourished egos 4 rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale
Can't endure then you can inhale
Clearly out of body experience
Interferes and dreams of flying I fit nearly
Surrounds me though I get lonely
Slowly

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
She's moving up slowly
Slowly
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly

In my home no chrome as clear as
See me now with my nearest dearest
Been there when I'm over-careering
Room shifting is endearing
Between us is our kitchen
Where she finds my irritants itching
Been here before been here forever

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly

She comes
There be no sound in my eiderdown
Awake I lie in the morning blue
Room is still my antenna in you
Nylon burns the bedspread with 2
Gravity zero see me stall
I bounce off the walls lose my footing and fall
It can be sweet though incomplete though
And the frames will freeze see me on all 4s
Its been a long time

She comes
Comes
I want to X you, she comes
I want to X you, she comes

I caught your radio waves
I caught your radio waves
With tin cans and string
Say you string me along
Say string me along

Say inertia creeps
Inertia creeps and she comes
Say she comes


Inertia Creeps
Massive Attack

... has been broken. I finally posted on OurPDX again. I'm thinking (hoping??) this will mean more posts in general.

:D

I still have issues with what's good and what's not... mostly because I don't believe these are solid black and whites. There are a lot of things I would do that most people wouldn't consider good, but I think as long as I'm being true to myself and take into account what might hurt the ones I love, it's ok. The boyo and I have never been better.

Last night I confessed more of how I work to the boyo. The embarrassing and hard to confess parts. He said he mostly already knew/ guessed at what I was "supposedly confessing," but I was still trying to get him to realize the extent of it. I was trying to convey the fact that I really have no scruples when it comes to certain things that affect myself and my loved ones. I like knowing that we are learning more and more about each other especially as we change. It's an ongoing and constant communication and I think it's awesome.

As the boyo put it, what an odd and wonderful life we live!

For a while there we were debating Cedric and M's invitation to move into their house (they have 2 unused rooms). Mainly it was the debate of to give up our own space or not to. It's not like we hadn't done the living with a few friends in one house thing before, so it wasn't a huge issue. We have discovered, though, that we really do like the dynamics of living with friends. Granted, you have to believe that the way of living of all involved fits well in order to do so, and that is precisely why we thought that.... this....just...might....WORK!

We're very excited to have a house to share again, especially Cedric and M's. I've always felt very at home there and I do like their taste in decor and... well, a lot of things. I think our dynamics are similar and there's a lot of mutual love and respect between the 4 of us. This makes me VERY excited. Well, that and the fact that I think we all have something to bring to the table when it comes to existing... no... being part of each others' lives.

So I'm optimistic about the future, completely comfortable in my own skin and I think I'm back to a very Ceci... Ceci. Heh.

Speaking of comfortable in my own skin, I'm about 10 lbs away from my fighting weight. I'm not one to be obsessed with being thin, however, I gained 20 - 25 pounds when I moved here and I've not been comfortable in that weight. It just didn't feel like me. My clothes are fitting again which means I have more of a wardrobe these days and I can now walk around naked in my apartment and feel like it's all just me; it's comfortable.

I am, however, still scared of the internets. I'm working on it...

*Friday was Da5id's birthday party, but that is another story and shall be told another time.

SO! First of all Saturday was hangover day... like you do. We sat around for the good part of the day watching Battlestar Galactica . Da5id went through his gifts and tried on various things. He loved them all!

So I was sitting on the floor, like I do, when I went to get up to get some water and I tripped over my own feet as I got myself up from a crossed-leg position. I went down hard and landed in a sort of push up pose with my left big toe hitting the floor first, full weight on it. Ow! It started swelling but wasn't bruised and I hoped it was only a contusion but it REALLY hurt to move it or even move my foot a little. I'm still not sure if it's broken as I can currently wiggle it around a little but it hurts to put too much weight on it. Later that night when I got home I took off my shoe and there was indeed a bruise and it was swelling so I iced it and propped it up.

Kat and I went out for dinner at the Rose and Thistle and just sat around and talked until almost 1 am! This happens to us a lot... we just lose track of time. Da5id was off with Dana at the Horsebrass. I find it funny that we both ended up at pubs. Da5id and I decided we need to spend more time individually with friends. It seemed that we were always seeing our friends as a couple and in groups but rarely one on one. I think we all need that time with our friends to stay connected.

... Do you hear that kids! IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU THINK YOU ARE! Sheesh. I feel like I try to stay connected with everyone by at least updating my blog, posting pics, etc. yet I have a limited idea as to what's going on out there (save for Liz, London, Chloé via email... and sometimes... sometimes... Leigh). Send me pictures! Keep me posted... I don't even care if it's a newsletter. I was thinking that I don't even know what Ava looks like anymore. Did Dora get the pictures and card I sent her for mother's day? What's Leigh look like now as Liz says she looks amazing?

I'm just sayin'...

Yesterday was SUPER great minus the painful toe. I spent lots of time talking to the boyo about how he's doing, how I'm doing and how we're doing. I think we're in a really good place and I love that we're both doing really well in who we are on our own and together. I'm getting better and better each day (save some internet problems that I still have) and Da5id is working on himself too. I think he realized that he (and we) were slipping into a "settling" spot... and we can't do that. My mom paid us a compliment when they were here last week by saying that she forgets we're married 'cause we act like people who are still dating. I took that to mean that we're still... I dunno... into our own things and not just hanging around??? Does that make sense? I think she meant it as a compliment and that's how I took it anyway.

I really feel like Da5id's my other half and that he just fits so perfectly with me. It's amazing that I would stay with someone for 8 years and still feel like I did when I first fell for the boyo. I feel lucky to have found this person... and I think that he's damn lucky too.

Last night Kat and I went to the Trashcan Sinatras show.

It's been 5 YEARS since they toured and I saw them at the Troubadour. I remember that we had JUST moved to Long Beach and I took Da5id with me. I was SOOOOO excited as they hadn't toured since the early 90s then. The show was good, although a lot more mellow than I wanted ('cause it's all about me... heh!). The neatest thing, though... was that they would take the audio from the soundboard and capture it on the computer then download it onto a thumb drive so that one could buy it at the end of the show. Kat and I were ALL over that! All in all... a good show.

Then... I slept.

Wonderful weekend!

"Over the moon and under the influence..."

Easy Read
Trashcan Sinatras

... as well as realizing that you don't need your own crap.

I've now had 3 weeks of feeling better than I have in a long time! I'm starting to talk to people again, starting to get more ideas, starting to live a little more. Although I'm still having problems with Twitter and reading my usual blogs. I don't know why but I am. I just don't want to go to there.

STRANGER DANGER!

hahahah no... no... ok, maybe...

I had some breakthroughs in therapy. It was quite a release which... well, I didn't expect. I mean I sat there talking to my therapist and all I could do was cry... and not in a sad way, but in a ... well, like a dam breaking; a release of emotions with relief.

I've been looking for the me that was me. I didn't like where I had gotten to with the depression and the manic as well as the tailspin the diagnosis had thrown me into. So here I was trying to be the me that was... and I realized how ridiculous that was... mainly due to that quote I posted a couple of weeks ago:

It reminded me of something Da5id used to tell me. He reminded me that I used to be a gamer, used to be more of a tech head, used to, used to, used to and I have to let that go. It's ok to not be that anymore.

Meditating on it more I realized that I was still doing it especially by looking to be the me that was. I was always here... I will always be here... but I have to learn to evolve. To do otherwise would be to allow myself to become stagnant and that's not what I'm about.

It was odd to come to this realization because I've always known it, always preached it, yet somehow never quite applied it to myself, at least not in the truest sense. I was going the wrong way about it by looking to be, although a better Ceci, still an old rendition of myself.

I also came to realize from my Manic post from a couple of weeks ago that I don't really MISS the manic... or at least not most of it. I don't miss the feeling of holding on to the electrical fence of life not being able to let go, I don't miss the senseless feeling of panic and desperation while masochistically loving it. I especially don't miss the feeling of knowing that this couldn't be right and that I would burn too brightly if I kept it up much longer.

"... but I need sorrow, baby, like sorrow is the drug..."

Finally I realized that the boyo and I need to evolve and that the things that cause our arguments (aside from the cognitive distortions) have to do with my expectations. Relationships don't work that way... and again I knew that. I somehow expected him to stick with things he used to do that I loved, a laundry list of "Things to do to show me you love me." How fucked up is that?! All of a sudden it was so clear to me.

In thinking back to our old arguments, I wondered how I could have been so blind. There were so many things about the boyo that I've always known and yet expected otherwise. I don't know why I didn't see those things and upon realizing them, I knew that I had known this for quite some time now but never applied it, like a veil had been lifted from in front of my eyes.

Cheesy as it might sound, I felt like I now understood what was meant by "waiting to exhale" because I felt like I could finally breathe, could finally release.

I have always known this. It's only now that I've learned how to apply it to myself without letting all the issues, all the distortion, all the white noise get in the way.

I call that a victory.

I want

to walk,

with you

on my Texas desert,

to stand near

you straight

as a Spanish Dagger,

to see your fingers

pick a bone bouquet

touching life

where I touch death

to hold a warm, white

pelvis up

to the glaring sun

and see

your red-blue worls

to feel you touch

my eyes as you touch canvas

to unfold

giant blooms.

~Pat Mora~

I've loved that poem since the 7th grade. I think it's stunning and I can hear it in my head.

...
but I just can't get enough of asofterworld.com

This... makes me happy today:
It also made me think of Chloé.

Something about it makes me remember that I wish for impossible things... and sometimes get them.

Earlier, a couple of comments that were posted due to my fa-cheybook status got me thinking of poetry.

I can't write poetry but I love it. I love to read it, love to hear it... love what it does to words with its rhythm.

I have a poem that keeps going 'round my head ever since I opened up my Emily Dickinson book a month or so ago. I place it here now.

We've been through a lot, the boyo and I.

When I decided to separate from the ex-boyo, I knew Da5id was something. I had known him for a couple years by then and I loved that he never judged me and always knew exactly what I was talking about. We had similar war stories.

I was scared, though. Here I was knowing that I had to jump from this cliff into the dreaded d-word and it scared me. I had been wrong and now I had to undo it, and I knew divorce wasn't easy. Da5id stood by me.

When we started to date, not long after, he had to live with my doubt. Here's a girl he fell in love with that went back and forth from "I love you" to "Perhaps I should go back to my husband."

It wasn't meant to hurt... or tease, it was only because I had no idea what I should do despite knowing what I should do. I was scared. I was scared of constantly jumping from person to person and thinking "This one. This is it" and then being wrong. Worse still, making this big of a mistake that now involved divorce again. Even at all! What if I was just constantly looking for better instead of learning how to make it work?

I was wrong, though.

I was wrong about jumping from guy to guy, forever thinking the grass is always greener. This time I wanted to fight for this relationship. This time, through good and bad, whether him or me, I wanted to work it out. Why? Because I love him more than anything, because after 8 or so years, he still makes my toes curl and still gives me butterflies in my stomach. Even better; this time, I was right. I knew that then, but was too scared to embrace it and maybe I had to work through that fear in order to get to this.

The other day he came by to our new offices just to say hi because he was in the neighborhood. Seeing him in a place that my mind says "Wait, he doesn't belong in this picture" made my day. I suppose, to me, it was like seeing an oasis in the desert. I was giddy as he went along on an errand to the bank where I had to make a deposit for work. The whole way there I kept beaming up at him and holding his hand.

I love his hands. They fit perfectly in mine and feel so comfortable there. The first time we kissed, there was no awkwardness, no adjusting or readjusting to try to get it right. He already knew... or perhaps it was just another example as to how we were two parts of a whole.

Currently, with the bipolar disorder diagnosis, he's been very patient, taking the blows and the episodes somehow. Standing still as I (figuratively) punch him and (literally) scream at him. This is not what he signed up for. This is not the girl he met.

I am worse than ever, or rather, right up until the meds kicked in. I was at a new high in the Ceci scale of crazy. Sure he always knew I was a little crazy, but it used to be a good crazy.

He needs a medal or something.

I love him... whole-ly, deeply, madly. There were times when he started to fall/ was falling that I was there to catch him. This time he's catching me.

We won't let each other fall off that ledge, no matter how close we come to it.


"If that's what it takes
then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart"

Cut Copy - Out there on the Ice

The night before, I started dreaming again... I dreamt of children enslaved in mines, learning how to manipulate elements, elementary school days (and daze), being a cunning child and transforming in accordance to what changed around me by using what I had learned.

Last night I dreamt of friends and college. I spoke with Maile and Amandazon and nearly tackled Stephen from where I was sitting, almost pulling down his pants. I dreamt of the last apartment in college that Leigh and I shared and the parties we had there with everyone in attendance.

Dreaming means that I'm resting. It's like watching TV but seeing the show that my mind puts on when just left to rest.

Me? I'm comfortably in bed watching it. Some scenes I see, some I don't. I flitter in and out of the show, just like I would if I were sick and lying on the couch watching movies. Consciousness to unconsciousness. Floating. Resting.

I'm learning to be me again. I still hate the routine, still hate that there aren't enough hours in the day anymore. I'd still like to sacrifice sleep to do more of what I want to do. I can't. I know I can't because then the manic comes... and after that, the low Low.

I really miss talking to Stephen though. REALLY. I miss the things I loved about life before the meds.

I go back and forth from this:

To this:


They're both very me. Pensive and cynical to feisty and not giving a shit as long as it's me.

I love A Softer World.

Hi kids.

Today I was reminded of why I love Cedric. A lot of it has to do with how he's sometimes so much like me. We watched Cashback at movie night tonight. Cedric's choice. Near the end he pointed out one of the scenes that was one of his favorites and I was stunned. I was stunned for several reasons; one being that I would have so chosen that scene as one of my favorites and the other being that he unabashedly said so.

What you have to know about movie night is that we all sit there and sort of MST3K the movie. It's tough to show a movie you like because you have to be able to put up with all the comments. That doesn't mean that people don't like it. We just like to make comments over it. I've also thought that it takes a lot to show people that this is what you love and this is what you think because it's open to ridicule. In that, though, movie night is us putting it out there and saying to each other over all of the funny comments that, yes, I love this film and yes, you can ridicule it all you want and you might like it too. It's ok to do it, we're all friends and we all put it out there.

I highly recommend you watch Cashback.

...

Today was the first day that I've felt better than I have in a LONG time. In fact, I've had one of the best weekends. Well, that's tough to say as the past 3 to 4 weekends have been pretty great, but this one sort of was a culmination of everything. I'm not sure if it's just that the meds are finally doing exactly what they're supposed to do, but something's working.

I can't even say what exactly it was that did it... I just know that I feel like I love things again instead of just going through my routine.

I had a great weekend, as I've said. On Thursday night I went to my first rodeo in St. Paul, Oregon with Lillie and Soggy. You know what? I had a good time! Her family reminded me A LOT of my mom's side of the family. They were very welcoming and they made us feel like family. We were only supposed to stay 'til Friday but we stayed until noon on Saturday. It was really truly a good time and it was hard to leave Lillie's family and friends.

We also met Quigley the dog who could not only fit herself into a bucket of water (it was sofa king hot this weekend) but could also jump onto a horse and stand there. One of the best dog's ever!

Saturday was Jason's Boomfest. You may have seen pictures from last year's 4th celebration at Jason's and this year was VERY similar. Again there was the big fireworks display, toys being blown up and roman candle duels. It works exactly like it sounds. Each person has a roman candle and they start back to back. Each person takes 10 paces then turns around and lights their roman candle and fires at the other person.

Yeah, I know. It's crazy.

PDXPhotogeek took the BEST pictures of it. Go here to see the lot of them.

Here are some highlights:

I've been trying to write this post for the past 3 hours.

No, strike that. I've been trying to write this post for the last 2 weeks. It has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with just doing something, writing something, making an attempt at being me again.

I'm doing better over all. No episodes in the last 2 weeks, no crying everyday or even every week. It is sort of a numb feeling, but for now that's better than what it was. Again, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm numb all day or miserable and I don't mope around, but on the whole I just try to keep going to not have time to be numb.

I tend to over think things when I'm left alone with my laptop or my notebook and pen.

I had a MARVELOUS weekend at the coast with friends which was a last minute thing, but just... wonderful. It was gorgeous there and the interaction and time away was very necessary. People remind me that they love me, broken or not. That means a lot. It helps a lot too.

Here comes the weird (although the boyo says it makes sense): I'm scared of you guys. I'm scared of the internets, scared of email and yes, sometimes I'm scared of the phone.

I have at LEAST 30 emails I have to answer, if only to send a reply that says "I'm still here plugging along."

I can't.

I stare at my inbox and I get a sort of queasy feeling, and I think, "I'll do that later. I'll respond to at least ONE tonight." I don't. I dread writing. Dread what I have to say, or figuring out how to say it... even just a hello.

The boyo thinks it's because it's all I can do to just talk to people in person, go out and not shut myself in at home. That's a good theory and maybe that's right. I'm not happy with it, however. I'm not happy that I try to write, try to post here or on OurPDX and I come up with nothing. Blank space. Whining. I keep trying because I think that if I just try, I'll do it...

So now my blog is... this. This is... my life and life in general. Apparently, life is not always good, not always beautiful and always very scary. I like the scary. Scary means I can feel and it means that I'm pushing my boundaries. Scary means that I'm doing things that are out of my comfort zone, just like I always have. Scary means that I'm fighting hard to remember who me is, that I'm still me and that I will keep going.

That sounds good, right?

The problem is in trying to find the time for "me" in the middle of the routine and after everything I have to do. Some of you might say I don't have to do something; we all have the power to change our minds and make our own choices. Those are not the things I'm talking about, though. The routine is necessary. It's there so that I can feel better so that I don't end up holing myself into my apartment or room. They are there so that the side effects from the meds don't hit me so hard and so that I can remember to keep going. Call it momentum, if you will.

In the middle of all the things I have to do, it's hard to find the time to do the things I used to love doing and still want to do. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me that I should make a point of just fitting things in when I can instead of trying to do everything I used to do at once. The problem is, however, that I don't have 3 hours to stare at my screen or notebook to be able to let this flow. I don't have the time to push myself to try to do something because I have to keep going with my routine, which gives me limited time to do these things.

I've been through worse, I know. I've survived worse and should accept that this is never the worst I will feel and yet is also the worst I will feel. Every time one hits an obstacle in life, one always thinks of it as the worst or hardest thing, and yet we've all gone through it before, we've all survived things that were just as bad, if not worse.

*shrugs*

This is life and unfortunately right now my life is... chemically chaotic.

This is me, interrupted. This is what happens when I finally take a good long look at myself and my inner workings and try to work it out.

Lather, rinse, repeat.