Thursday, August 27, 2009

The world is still not safe...

Your A Softer World moment of zen

The world will have to bear with me another day. That's right... I fell to the communists about 4 days ago... and I hate it. After years of not having a period, I've been dealing with one since the boyo got snipped in January. Why? Well I thought it would be a GREAT idea to not take the pill anymore.

BOY was I wrong!

The pill I was on was a low estrogen pill so I rarely got a period and when I did it was VERY light. This was accompanied by barely any cramps (which, like my period were mild) and hardly the mood swing save for the usual crazy.

My reaction to the first day of having a period sans pill??

"What the FUCK is this?! This is bullshit!"

Followed by, "OH MY GOD someone kill me now to put me out of this GOD DAMN misery that's known as cramps!!!"

...

Unfortunately this also led to me terrorizing the world but mostly the boyo. I don't know which was worse, the period mood swings or the bipolar issues. I'm gonna have to go with bipolar but now that the meds are working for that, well... I dunno.

Yesterday I decided "Fuck this! I'm getting back on the pill!"... and none too soon, let me tell you! So I called my doctor and we talked it out and VOILA! I pick it up today. However, until this period ends, the world will have to keep hiding.

Yesterday was plain AWFUL! The cramps were so bad that Katie-Kat had to bring me a heating pad. I tried chamomile tea and Midol too! Nothing that generally works worked. Then...the mood swings kicked in.

I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to apologize and talk it through when I wigged out on the boyo. I tried to make it right in so many ways but... to no avail. The monster kept winning.

Thankfully the cavalry came in in the form of Tera (Thank you, Tera!) and that helped. I hope the boyo gets that that was a weird way of saying I'm sorry and of getting him back in touch with a person who has been an integral part of his life that I think he needs (as well as vice versa).

For now... I ask you all to please, judge me not on the current Ceci, and if you can... HIDE!

Save me
save me
save me

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

And none of these
Thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so bad
I need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Save me
save me
save me


Save Me
Jem

1 comments:

Chloe said...

Oh Ceci, I know how you feel. Before the pill I used to throw up every month from the pain. And I had an urge, an animal urge, to dig a hole and lie in it. It was overpowering. I want to just crawl into the earth and pass out from the pain. Oh, to be a woman.