Reconciling Saints

I have been having a hard time putting into words how I have been feeling. Hell, I have been having a hard time feeling about how I have been feeling!

This past weekend was the anniversary of a couple of significant things:
1) A year ago today/last night Stephen broke his back - a complete fracture of the T12 vertebra
2) A year ago this past Saturday, I almost moved out.

After dealing too long with his self-destructive downward spiral, I was setting up a plan to move out of our house. I felt I was getting better while Stephen was still reeling from various things - most significantly his divorce... and most astonishingly (to me) his alcoholism. We were aware of the former, but I (and maybe he??) was in denial of the latter. That is, until July 5th when, especially with the 4th of July holiday, it all just came to a head for me.

I can't say exactly what was different this time, just that there was finally something in me that said, yes, he is an alcoholic, yes you are enabling him, and yes you have to do something about it for you. 

So I prepared myself to move out, knowing that I needed my own space for my sanity, especially because I still loved him and didn't want to leave him... just the situation. I also knew that this could very well mean the end of everything. He could easily take it as an act of aggression - an all-out act of war - and continue to do things that would make it so that I had no choice, but to walk away completely. Still, I had finally come to the point that I accepted the possible outcome of my move. So it was with wobbly steps that I went forward, trying to procure a place to stay as part of my first.

That Saturday the 6th he took me to dinner after he finished work, the conversation laying a good foundation for what I thought could make for a reasonable talk the next day. I hoped I could explain that I was moving out and why, without him calling an end to it all together. After dinner, he suggested we stop to see a friend's band play... which is where all the rest happened. Once at the bar, a bike and the boyo down later, we were on the way to the hospital maybe 30 minutes after we had left dinner.

I remember being so angry. I was angry because I didn't know what had happened, didn't know how badly he was hurt, and I was especially angry because, at the moment I was resolved to take action, something like this comes along and happens. What was I supposed to do now?

When I found out that he had completely fractured the T12 vertebra and that he could have been completely paralyzed with one wrong move, I was both horrified with how badly he was injured and thankful that he was still fine. We weren't all clear yet, though - surgery would tell the tale. He needed to get his spine fused, having surgery done where they used rods to fuse the T11 and L1 vertebrae to secure the spine. Depending on how surgery went, would depend on what the future held for him.

I was angry for a week after that, knowing I had to make a decision on whether or not to leave, whether or not I wanted to see if and how things would change, and whether or not I wanted to stick this out with him.

I decided to stay.

It's now a year later and I can tell you that I have been dealing with a bit of the fuzziness of how the accident and decision worked out. There are still reactions in me that come from long-gone actions and ways of being. So much has changed, but a little has stayed the same. Those little things still bring about knee-jerk reactions, so I spent this weekend mostly at home - thinking things out, weighing differences, checking my feelings, and mostly trying to avoid any triggers. It's not always possible, but usually the less I have to deal with, the easier it is for me to work with the triggers instead of reacting to them.

I survived the weekend with little mental discomfort, anxiety, or anguish. In fact, I made it through this weekend feeling like I've learned more about my relationship, especially how much we've both put into it and ourselves to make us work better. It's amazing how sometimes one walks away from something life changing a whole lot stronger, when the outcome could have been so devastating.

Sometimes I feel like I'm here... at your feet.

I know I'm stronger and I know I value myself more, but I can't always feel like the great one that I am.

Sometimes all I want to do is see you smile... back track where the conversation veered off and caused a big huff of silence that now sits loudly in the room.

I have issues with this because my fighting me says that this is not the way it should be. I should not have to kowtow to you. The fighter is mostly right... but in everything one needs to learn humility... as well as the possibility that one may be wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I am groveling at your feet and the fighter in me says, "Fuck this! I never need this!" Times like that, I remember that I can survive alone out of stubbornness, and it sorter scares me.

Sometimes I feel like we're both naked children, lying on the floor hoping that one picks the other up. Times like that... I need to remember that that is most likely the truth.

This has been true in many relationships and, it seems, will always be true in all relationships. I just have to remember that the fighter can blow things out of proportion and that, at all times, no one is doing any groveling whatsoever. We're both just trying to be heard... even in the silence.

Ok, I promise I'll give a full update as soon as I take a study break. Things went surprisingly well, though.

:D

Well! It seems that my issues are going away. *knock on wood* Let's hope that that wasn't a one time fluke! Haven't slept that soundly in a while! Well, aside from the having to get up and pee in the middle of the night, as per usual.

this is my blog, so I'll write what I want.

Here's the thing, kids, I think that too often in this world passion is dropped for safety!
There! I said it.

PASSION
IS
DROPPED
FOR
SAFETY!
!!!!

Who wants to be in a relationship where you're safe? Ok, well, within reason, obviously! Who wants one were it's just good enough that someone loves you?

...

Ok somehow this is sounding all wrong. Here's what I mean:

So the boyo and I were watching Shopgirl today (you know, the Steve Martin movie with Claire Danes and Jason Shcwartzman?) and she starts looking for a guy... just a guy that might think she's pretty, that might treat her well... that might hold her. I get that. I do. At my most touch deprived, I look for hugs from people... just people... anyone will do, well ok... not bad huggers, but almost anyone will suffice.

I know it's a movie, and I know it's about that girl looking for A GUY. I think my problem is that too often there's someone looking for A PERSON. Not that person. Just A person. I had a semi-discussion with some friends about this the other day. Just because someone's nice to you does NOT deem them good enough to stay with. What about the other things? What about the fact that I want to be a better person for, and becuase of, this person and not just BE.

One of the things my parents asked me when I was leaving the ex was "Why do you want to leave him? He's good to you. He doesn't hurt you."

You know what hurt me? That he never wanted to be more with me, nor for me, nor for himself. He also didn't want to know more about me. He didn't want to hear about the crazy parts, he didn't think one should share everything.

That to me, guys, was pretty crushing. What do you mean you don't want to see more?! I want to see everything of you. I want the dreams, the bad things, I want to KNOW you. I want to grow with that. I want to love you for it because it all... the whole lot of it... is what YOU are comprised of!

That's passion, for me at least. You have to be able to be passionate about me and about life. You especially have to be passionate about YOU.

I'm not looking for drama, but I am looking for passion. You have to love yourself that much, and you sure as hell have to love me that much.

Most importantly... most especially... you have to care that much about yourself that you would leave me to save yourself is that was what was needed. You have to love you more than you love me. God knows I do! That's when it's equal... that's when you can choose what's best for you, even if it turns out that all that is best for you, is you.