Reconciling Saints

I've been trying to write this post for the past 3 hours.

No, strike that. I've been trying to write this post for the last 2 weeks. It has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with just doing something, writing something, making an attempt at being me again.

I'm doing better over all. No episodes in the last 2 weeks, no crying everyday or even every week. It is sort of a numb feeling, but for now that's better than what it was. Again, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm numb all day or miserable and I don't mope around, but on the whole I just try to keep going to not have time to be numb.

I tend to over think things when I'm left alone with my laptop or my notebook and pen.

I had a MARVELOUS weekend at the coast with friends which was a last minute thing, but just... wonderful. It was gorgeous there and the interaction and time away was very necessary. People remind me that they love me, broken or not. That means a lot. It helps a lot too.

Here comes the weird (although the boyo says it makes sense): I'm scared of you guys. I'm scared of the internets, scared of email and yes, sometimes I'm scared of the phone.

I have at LEAST 30 emails I have to answer, if only to send a reply that says "I'm still here plugging along."

I can't.

I stare at my inbox and I get a sort of queasy feeling, and I think, "I'll do that later. I'll respond to at least ONE tonight." I don't. I dread writing. Dread what I have to say, or figuring out how to say it... even just a hello.

The boyo thinks it's because it's all I can do to just talk to people in person, go out and not shut myself in at home. That's a good theory and maybe that's right. I'm not happy with it, however. I'm not happy that I try to write, try to post here or on OurPDX and I come up with nothing. Blank space. Whining. I keep trying because I think that if I just try, I'll do it...

So now my blog is... this. This is... my life and life in general. Apparently, life is not always good, not always beautiful and always very scary. I like the scary. Scary means I can feel and it means that I'm pushing my boundaries. Scary means that I'm doing things that are out of my comfort zone, just like I always have. Scary means that I'm fighting hard to remember who me is, that I'm still me and that I will keep going.

That sounds good, right?

The problem is in trying to find the time for "me" in the middle of the routine and after everything I have to do. Some of you might say I don't have to do something; we all have the power to change our minds and make our own choices. Those are not the things I'm talking about, though. The routine is necessary. It's there so that I can feel better so that I don't end up holing myself into my apartment or room. They are there so that the side effects from the meds don't hit me so hard and so that I can remember to keep going. Call it momentum, if you will.

In the middle of all the things I have to do, it's hard to find the time to do the things I used to love doing and still want to do. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me that I should make a point of just fitting things in when I can instead of trying to do everything I used to do at once. The problem is, however, that I don't have 3 hours to stare at my screen or notebook to be able to let this flow. I don't have the time to push myself to try to do something because I have to keep going with my routine, which gives me limited time to do these things.

I've been through worse, I know. I've survived worse and should accept that this is never the worst I will feel and yet is also the worst I will feel. Every time one hits an obstacle in life, one always thinks of it as the worst or hardest thing, and yet we've all gone through it before, we've all survived things that were just as bad, if not worse.

*shrugs*

This is life and unfortunately right now my life is... chemically chaotic.

This is me, interrupted. This is what happens when I finally take a good long look at myself and my inner workings and try to work it out.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's been nutty.

Truly nutty! Mainly for a lot of people around me. Last night a friend asked, "Has everyone lost their fucking minds?!"

You know... maybe???

Nutty.

My vibe of wonder, of anything can happen as long as I just do... is starting to peter out. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm impatient.

All of a sudden I look at everything and I wonder, how in the hell is all this supposed to happen? Where did all the good go??

Life will do that to you I guess. Especially when you can see a wave of things coming.
For example, the boyo has been worried about the car, my bug. It seems that the clutch is slipping. Well, it doesn't just SEEM that way... it IS slipping. What the actually problem might be, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I had it replaced last year right around this time before we went to Europe... or maybe it was before Christmas? Anyway... it's only been AT MOST a little over a year. That's gonna be repairs we hadn't counted on.

I'm going to Europe which is in the budget but now is looking a little... frivolous? Difficult? I don't know.

... I keep thinking that if I just do, it will.

I will do with my life what I would like to. The traveling will one day be something that won't tax us.

I will keep writing my silly little stories. I will keep posting my silly little blogs. They're mostly for my friends and bit for me, and that should make me happy for now. Still, I keep thinking of a lyric from James' "Sit Down":
If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor

I wish I didn't know that there was so much more that I want from life. I wish I didn't know that things were possible. No... no I don't.

I wish I could just believe all the time and not have doubt.

I'm trying to keep thinking that I just need to do, and I'm sure you're all with me when I say, right now, that's looking a little difficult.

Ok it's close to bed time, BUT!
but... I had something to say so here I am, saying it.

I feel very lucky.

Why?

Easy, I'm alive. I have a boyo I adore, I know who I am and what I am, I know all this and more.

Today kitkat told me that The Prids were in an accident whilst touring down in CA. 2 of them have major issues and the other 2 are banged up badly, but not horrible. The Prids happen to be a PDX band and friends of kitkat's (one of whom I know). All of a sudden, everything they knew is totally different, with hopes that nothing but recovery await the 2 with severe injuries. Their van is totalled and who knows how the equipment is. I can't imagine what M is going through other than trying to get her life back into focus... or even wondering about things that might not be later.

I'm lucky. I'm really lucky.

However, I think that aside from feeling this, I also have to remember it as a warning for that which I think I have plenty of time for today, may not be there tomorrow. Things change in an instant, in a second, in 15 minutes. Whatever the time, it's still so small that we can't even think we'll have time to get used to it.

So what are you waiting for?

Do what you're supposed to be doing already!

...sheesh...

my thoughts go out to The Prids and anyone else that was traveling with them....