Reconciling Saints

Today in Ceci's world, I'm trying to get everything in order for a course I will be teaching in the fall at the university.

That's right, I will be an instructor for a course on information literacy and critical thinking through the College of Communication and Information.
Seriously.

I never thought I'd be asked to be an instructor, really, and this sort of just fell into my lap. Having the time and trying to gain experience in more than... well, more than what I have experience in (which is actually a lot of miscellaneous things)... I decided, Sure! Why not?? 

Well, it's a face-to-face class that meets Tuesdays and Thursdays and starts the day after I get back from London.

THE DAY AFTER I GET BACK FROM LONDON!

Soooooo this girl has to be ready to hit the ground running on the 24th of August for something she's never done before. I have to be able to stand up in front of a class of 18- to 20-year-olds and teach them stuff. Also, lecture them about something... and figure out a way to spend about an hour?? doing this. I guess there should likely be some discussion in there somewhere. Or not. I mean... it's my class, right???? heh.

Bizarre, no?

Well, at least that's how it seems to me. Bizarre because a lot of the time I don't know how I end up where I end up. Things just sort of... happen!

Hey, look! The girl who just kind of Lifes is teaching a course at a university!

I guess this blog that's currently been about mental health and my writing is now going to add a bit on my adventures in teaching.

This... should be interesting.

At a show this past Saturday there was this guy who kept walking by me and looking back at me when he'd pass by... you know?? Like, maybe checking me out. I ignored him.

At one point he sorter bumped into me and I my first thought was that it was likely accidental, and he turned around as if to say sorry (in my mind), so I smiled as if to say, "no harm no foul." Instead, though, he just kind of stared.

Then, with the boyo standing next to me, the second time he passed by, he put his cold glass or a beer can on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting it to be someone I knew, but it was that creepy guy again! So I wiped off the condensation from my shoulder, and made a face, but he'd already walked away. I had to wonder if he was trying to be cheeky, or if it was a rude way to get someone to move. However, when I looked around, I noticed that there was a lot of space around me. This time Stephen looked at me and asked what had happened. I told him and he looked to see where the guy had gone, but we couldn't see him. He mentioned something later on about how he had considered going after the guy for that, and I was a little happy he didn't. He was likely weighing his chances on whether or not it was worth it, and if it's even worth getting kicked out for.

So the third and final time, Stephen had run to the bathroom and our friend Neely had scooted up to the front, and Anya, Neely's friend was standing to one side of me. This guy comes up behind me, grabs the fabric on my shirt, and lifts it to my shoulders. Then he says something akin to, "how about some modesty." This is about the time when I freeze slightly from the shock of someone I don't know doing this. Until I heard that unfamiliar voice, I had just assumed it was Anya or Stephen. The guy just walked past me, looking back as he went like he's caught me doing something wrong... or... hell, I can't even explain the look.

Here's what I was wearing:

He wasn't smiling.. just had this weird look on his face. Again, I thought maybe he thought he was cheeky or flirting, but there was no smile and he was just weird! Looking at me in this way that seemed to be... angry? Blaming? Thankfully that was at the end of the last band's set, and I stuck by Stephen once he got back from the toilet, then we headed to the car. I didn't tell Stephen until we were driving away because I didn't want him to go after the guy and most likely get into trouble for fighting at a bar.

I'm still weirded out by this guy in retelling the story. I keep wondering if there was something that I should have done or said to let the guy know that he was acting completely inappropriate. 

This is what I look like/feel like/ am doing today:

I'm hiding out at home.

See the eyes?? They're red and... well you can't tell from the picture but they're splotchy.

Today I took a day to work from home to try to refocus... I've restarted therapy and I had my second official session yesterday. Thus far the word being thrown about as to my issues and why I keep ending up here: Bipolar.

...Ok, so my last therapist did mention that it was a high possibility, but there were other issues we were working on that we thought we'd revisit it later. It should come to no surprise, but I guess what got me was not just that it meant a cycle of depression, but all the other symptoms, some of which I thought were just me and not all of which I hate.

The manic part is apparently the part the contains some of the stuff I like about me. To be told that it's not me, that it's some misfiring of chemicals or what have you, just kind of makes me question... well... me.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this... and it all makes sense... but... it's like... well, how can I put this without sounding crazy?! It's like being told that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, but YOU'RE Santa Claus!

That sounds nuts doesn't it?

It explains a whole HELL of a lot... and it makes me hope that there are things that I can work on that will make it all better. I'm still sorter scared that I'm going to lose something of me, though, and I hate that it makes me wonder, well, what IS the real me?

Dunno.

I say the right things but act the wrong way
I like it right here but I cannot stay
I watch the TV; forget what I'm told
Well, I am too young, and they are too old
Oh, man, can't you see I'm nervous, so please
Pretend to be nice, so I can be mean
I miss the last bus, we take the next train
I try but you see, it's hard to explain

~The Strokes~

I have nothing better to post
well I DO but... I'm zapped! I don't know what it is...