Reconciling Saints

I hate it when people sigh OH SO LOUDLY in a "woe is me!" sorter way. You know, the kind that begs you to ask what's wrong... really, desperately begs you!

I especially hate it when I'm the one sighing!

I can't help it, though! I'm hoping that my coworkers can't hear me. And if they have heard me, that they don't think I'm doing it for attention.

There have been a handful of sighs escaping from me intermittently today that carry with them the air of one that is depressed and tired. Perhaps just Depressed, with a capital D - the kind where you don't have to add the and tired because it is implied with that kind of depression.

I'm not exactly sure where these are coming from, I just know that they're here, and they are making sure that I know it! I wouldn't say that I'm Depressed with a capital D so much, but I can feel it around the edges somewhere. It's hanging out, and it's threatening to swoop in.

So I'm taking this time to figure out why because, really, things aren't bad. In fact, it could be said that things are actually pretty good. This is a little trick of mine, this "talking back" (as my therapist liked to call it) when the Bipolar Door is swinging in the negative direction. The talking back can help stop it, or at least lessen it a fair amount.

For some reason... and I'm sure it's something in how it's being translated in my head... for some reason I suspect that people think I'm annoying. Well... thankfully not everyone! Friends are currently excluded from this, surprisingly, but that might be just because it's only slightly on the periphery of everything. I see it is as The Negative monster that's hanging out right outside the circle of light that my little candle is illuminating, so it hasn't been able to touch the real things within.

Perhaps it's had to do with delving back into 16-year-old me for the book, but I've this overwhelming feeling of being disliked and wondering if I really am annoying! Why? Well, I wonder if maybe I get just a bit too excited about things, gushing and posting about it like I'm 12. I could see that this might be annoying, especially if you're in a surly mood. OR!  Maybe I'm a bit too emotional about things. Sometimes, sad things make me really sad, bad things make me really mad... steaming even! These tend to come out ALLLL over the page, and can get ridiculous. So then it's ridiculous... and just stop it, really, she's just embarrassing herself!
But I don't stop it.

The Negativity monster that's pacing on the periphery is saying that the denizens of the internet are judging me, and no one has a damn thing to say to me about my silly little words and silly little projects. In fact, it's been concluded that I'm quite a dork, and mainly a nuisance, so I should just shut up and go away!

Well, when you do this for yourself and your friends mostly anyway, it really shouldn't matter, so I keep on keepin' on. Still, sometimes... sometimes, the little Negativity monster (he's actually quite little), likes to stick a toe in to test the boundaries and I find myself wondering if it is true... and if I should just stop.

But it's not really based on anything substantial, and I'm not doing this for you.
No. I'm doing this for you, and me, and my friends. That's really quite good enough. I just have to remember that.

Since her death last Tuesday, May 28th, I've found inspiration in bits I didn't know about Maya Angelou discussed in recent articles. One of the most inspiring for me is the fact that she was a sex worker and had no qualms talking about it (brought to my attention by the lovely Ms. Amanda Palmer's link in facebook to the post on Tits and Sass).

Dr. Angelou herself says she was never ashamed.

"I wrote about my experiences because I thought too many people tell young folks, “I never did anything wrong. Who, Moi? – never I. I have no skeletons in my closet. In fact, I have no closet.” They lie like that and then young people find themselves in situations and they think, “Damn I must be a pretty bad guy. My mom or dad never did anything wrong.” They can’t forgive themselves and go on with their lives. So I wrote the book Gather Together in My Name [about her past as a sex worker]."

I needed this. I needed it because sometimes I do start to think about the things I've done and worry about perception, worry that I might be one of the worst people in the world because of deeds from my past. The truth of the matter is that we all make mistakes, we all have bits in our lives that TV or print would likely gloss over unless it's scandal they're looking for. I am not the first one to make a bad call, nor am I one that will never make a mistake again.

I try to be as honest as I can with everyone because I do believe that people have the power to see past issues, mistakes, and imperfections; I trust that my nearest and dearest will still see just me.* With everyone else, whatever they (whoever they might end up being) decide to think or feel about how I've lived my life is up to them. 

I love that she wrote about her experiences so that people could read it and know that they aren't alone. That's one of the main reasons why I'm writing - I want to be a voice out there for others that says, "It's okay; me too."

*When my lawyer has allowed.

Things I'm currently in love with - OR - Things's that remind me that I love life:

• I recently purchased the vinyl of Bird's My Fear & Me after I heard A War. I'm in love!  If you didn't see my post last weekend on facebook, you can check 'em out here: 

• I've put it out to the 'Verse that I'm a very excellent Gal Friday and Professional Monster. We'll see what the 'Verse has to say, eh?
• I'm writing a book because I feel like it's high time that I added my voice to the conversation about mental health that is going on online... and hopefully elsewhere as well! So I found a mentor, I made some inquiries, and I'm currently listening to my brain. It pours out stuff that I had no idea it was already forming in there. This is very exciting for me!
• I'm attending the Books-in-Progress conference at the Carnegie Center here in Lexington, KY. That's this Friday and Saturday!
• I'm taking the GRE this Sunday. yay? Why??? Because...
• I'm applying to the Masters in Library & Information Science program. The deadline is July 1st. I waited because I had a lot going on with school and work, then I needed to unwind and study between my last final and now since some of the math slips my mind. So here I go!
• I'm headed to CA in August for my 20th (what?!) high school reunion. Oh lord! My friend Keith rallied the small group of us and I decided why not!? It's kinda going hand-in-hand with the book. In case you forgot, it's going to be a YA novel about the year the bipolar kicks in for a girl in high school. 
• A new friend recently pointed me towards Kristin Hersh's Rat Girl. It's her memoir of the year that her band Throwing Muses was signed to 4AD, she was diagnosed as bipolar, and she got pregnant. You can see why he thought to point me to it, yes? It's lovely and it's helping with my book, mainly because Kristin says things that truly hit home, like: 

"That I had a calling, I was on a mission. That music was beautiful math, that it's owning violence. Songs are electricity, my religion." 

And

"So I'm not me anymore; I'm bipolar. No matter how okay I feel right now, I'm not okay and I never will be. Apparently."

 Which is exactly how I felt when I was diagnosed. I finally have a book that speaks to me about it, that's helping me write a book to speak about it. This, I love!

Fear has stopped me from doing a few things in my life.

When I was a kid I remember backing out of the student council in Kindergarten (I know, right?!) because I didn't understand what was going on and because I didn't want to be singled out from the other kids. Trust me, I learned it was a dumb reason about a year or so later, mainly because I was singled out again and this time I thought, "Hang on a minute! Not being with everyone else isn't so much a bad thing."

Not being afraid of fear, conversely, has made a lot of things happen in my life that may not have happened. I like to think that my kindergarten experience has some to do with that. These, however, with the exception of a few big ones, have been small things like just allowing myself to be me and not give a damn what anyone says or thinks in order to live life the way I think I should live it.

I call them small because some big things have been placed on back burners when it comes to, oh, you know, my writing.

I was watching a rerun of an old Project Runway the other day where one of the youngest in the competition finds herself as one of the last 5 and she resigns. They showed some insights from the other designers as to what they thought of her decision and the guy who ended up winning says something like don't think that it's an easy or stupid decision for her to make because you don't know the pressure or what it's like to be here.

I could see myself, especially at her age, going right back to my kindergarten days and saying, "Get me off of this thing!" Is it a big deal? Yes. Would it, if she won or even made it to Fashion Week, change a lot things and open doors in her life? Probably, yeah.

I know it's good to know when you're in over your head for whatever reason, but enough is enough.

I feel like I can look back and see when I've quietly retreated or let the other things in my life over-run my want-to-do-s or should-be-doing-s. I really want to stop this pattern and that's why, in part, I'm seriously thinking about what to do with this little space of the internets that I call mine. At some point I have, and I feel that I do, take responsibility for where I am creatively.

Something's gotta give... and I don't feel like it should have to be my writing which means that I have to do something about that.

' "The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings." '
~ Lewis Carroll ~

This year I decided to do it again.

November is National Novel Writing Month and some of us crazies sign up here and challenge ourselves to write at least 50,000 words/ 175 pages by midnight on the 30th of November. I tried this in 2008 and succeeded (yay!) so I thought I'd try it again. Hopefully this time I'll take that challenge to do more than just hit my word mark.

My friend, Chloé is also participating this year and I wish her the best of luck!

:D

My related family, that is.

I love you. You drive me crazy. Well, crazier.. and not in a good way. This makes me not quite love you and that is why I cannot live around you/ have a hard time contacting you.

Accept me or don't, I'm still me and I can't change that. I'm beautiful, talented, strong, brilliant, creative and yes, I am crazy.

Now, if you don't mind... or even if you do... I'm going to go live my life.

Love with all my heart,

Ceci

DUCK!

...

then pick them up and use the ones that didn't splatter for your vodka.

It's funny, the ups and downs of life and how one copes with it all. There are times when I let the lemons get to me bruises and all. I have to remind myself that last week or maybe yesterday or even the last hour brought good things. It can be difficult or it can be easy... it's mostly up to me.

Let me tell you, sometimes... and especially when you can't seem to catch a break in the more life affecting things... sometimes it's really hard!

Today's Life Lemons came from the colleges and universities that Da5id has applied to/ is applying to for nursing school. They changed their requirements. What does this mean??? Unless Da5id takes 3 more classes and gets As in all (while working his job), there's no h-way he's getting into nursing school.

What does that mean??? He has to go the long way around, which involves getting into a similar program for his bachelor's degree then taking 2 more years for nursing.

Really????

Ugh.

To counteract that I'm going to give you the good things in life, 'cause I have to remember them:
- ALLLLLL my friends new and old
- moving in with Cedric and M
- my ever growing and increasing love life... that boyo and I are just doing wonderfully
- a Bar on each floor!
- my new iPhone (thank you work!)
- a new battery for Eddie the Shipboard Computer
- David's introduction of The xx to me and mine
- Getting Hobbies...
- Being able to play World of Warcraft AND have a social life! HA! Take that boyo!
- Duckett's
- BBQ-offs
- dreaming positively of future plans

*grabs a slice of lemon and squeezes it into her vodka *

Friday, I'm coming in fighting!

I'm not gonna let you defeat me like Thursday was close to doing; I've brought my arsenal. I'm fighting back.

I warn you, my head's in the speakers and we all know how that goes!

"Felt so sick today but cured by your noise
My head in the speakers is drowning out volumes..."
~Robots in Disguise~



Bring it.