Monday, July 27, 2009

... as well as realizing that you don't need your own crap.

I've now had 3 weeks of feeling better than I have in a long time! I'm starting to talk to people again, starting to get more ideas, starting to live a little more. Although I'm still having problems with Twitter and reading my usual blogs. I don't know why but I am. I just don't want to go to there.


hahahah no... no... ok, maybe...

I had some breakthroughs in therapy. It was quite a release which... well, I didn't expect. I mean I sat there talking to my therapist and all I could do was cry... and not in a sad way, but in a ... well, like a dam breaking; a release of emotions with relief.

I've been looking for the me that was me. I didn't like where I had gotten to with the depression and the manic as well as the tailspin the diagnosis had thrown me into. So here I was trying to be the me that was... and I realized how ridiculous that was... mainly due to that quote I posted a couple of weeks ago:

It reminded me of something Da5id used to tell me. He reminded me that I used to be a gamer, used to be more of a tech head, used to, used to, used to and I have to let that go. It's ok to not be that anymore.

Meditating on it more I realized that I was still doing it especially by looking to be the me that was. I was always here... I will always be here... but I have to learn to evolve. To do otherwise would be to allow myself to become stagnant and that's not what I'm about.

It was odd to come to this realization because I've always known it, always preached it, yet somehow never quite applied it to myself, at least not in the truest sense. I was going the wrong way about it by looking to be, although a better Ceci, still an old rendition of myself.

I also came to realize from my Manic post from a couple of weeks ago that I don't really MISS the manic... or at least not most of it. I don't miss the feeling of holding on to the electrical fence of life not being able to let go, I don't miss the senseless feeling of panic and desperation while masochistically loving it. I especially don't miss the feeling of knowing that this couldn't be right and that I would burn too brightly if I kept it up much longer.

"... but I need sorrow, baby, like sorrow is the drug..."

Finally I realized that the boyo and I need to evolve and that the things that cause our arguments (aside from the cognitive distortions) have to do with my expectations. Relationships don't work that way... and again I knew that. I somehow expected him to stick with things he used to do that I loved, a laundry list of "Things to do to show me you love me." How fucked up is that?! All of a sudden it was so clear to me.

In thinking back to our old arguments, I wondered how I could have been so blind. There were so many things about the boyo that I've always known and yet expected otherwise. I don't know why I didn't see those things and upon realizing them, I knew that I had known this for quite some time now but never applied it, like a veil had been lifted from in front of my eyes.

Cheesy as it might sound, I felt like I now understood what was meant by "waiting to exhale" because I felt like I could finally breathe, could finally release.

I have always known this. It's only now that I've learned how to apply it to myself without letting all the issues, all the distortion, all the white noise get in the way.

I call that a victory.


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