Reconciling Saints

This past week I've been inundated with dreams of a sexual nature. People I know, people I don't know, yet always quite graphic. They leave me panting in the morning and quite... bothered... in the frustration kind of way.

Last night I realized ('cause I've been thinking a lot about it) that I'm still having the god damn Catholic hangups! No matter how many people that I'd LIKE to be closer to, I can't get myself to really a) do anything about it and b) think about it. It's like sometimes my mind shuts out any sexual thoughts/ longings/ desires and I feel not much of anything... but yet still do. It's a struggle, it's a battle.

I keep telling myself that I just have to own it, just be me. Something in me and something around me makes me feel that it's just not right, that everything I feel/ want/ think is bad or perverse.

I'm working on it.

I am a very sexual person by nature and I have been as long as I can remember. I like the sensual side, I like things that make my toes curl, that make me shudder. I like the feel of the silky clean sheets on my skin. I like the feel of skin on skin; a soft, silky feeling that I can lose myself in. I love fierce kisses, a bite on the lip, an almost starved need. I love tracing fingers down a back. I love the hard and I love melting into another; all depending on what the feeling is. The sneaking kisses in the dark of a live show, the intoxication that may or may not come from the martinis, the electricity that crackles as you sit with someone.

I know these things. I love these things. I have to work on practicing them and I like this assignment.

:)

"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head

If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover

When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency

Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end

cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
cause them people never play the game"

IAMX

These are strange times. So much went ass over teakettle. We're just hunkering down for the weekend to lick wounds and get ready for Monday's picking ourselves up.

I must say I am thankful for my life and the friends I have. They've been nothing but supportive and currently we at Casa Stella have each other. As Cedric said last night, there's a lot of love in this house. I feel extremely lucky for that.

For those that don't know - Cedric was laid off, M didn't pass her test for her massage therapy license by only 3%, Da5id was demoted with pay cut and I have an ear infection, bronchitis and asthma due to it.

Yesterday's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day made me think about the positives in our lives. I'm happy about the life I have, no matter how odd and questionable by other people. I honestly would never want to be anyone else. I think I have a pretty awesome life with awesome friends who, for the most part, get and support me. The others... well I'm not sure what they like but apparently there is something.

Yes, I'm strange according to some (seriously there are decisions I've made that boggle the mind) and I love my strange life.

I drink too much, I sometimes smoke too much and I have loose morals. THANK GOD!


I don't marry like other girls!
I am a child!
I'm utterly and completely happy how I am.
... and I was born to make life and the world a better and miraculous place for all those I touch.

More from A Softer World

Sometimes I feel like I lead a dual life. Maybe it's what we all do and then again maybe the lesson is to be who you are no matter what.

My life takes odd twists and turns but always I fight to be me. I fight to be the best, most me that there is. I've fought everyone that's ever told me what they thought was wrong or how I should do things. Most especially, though, I've fought my parents.

I fought my parents to be me in high school. I've always known who Ceci is for as long as I can remember. In college I still fought to be Ceci and to be treated as an adult despite the threats of not paying for school anymore (to which I told them that that was fine by me). When I wanted to get married I fought for that because I thought I was right. It turned out to be a mistake, but it was a lesson to be learned. When I wanted a divorce (because it was a mistake) I fought for that despite my parents' beliefs, advice and admonishments. The list goes on.

Still... there are places I won't go with them... mainly because, well they disagree anyway so why keep going?

However, the family... also doesn't really know me. Maybe they guess... maybe it's ok for them to not know everything. It's odd that the people I grew up with and was so close to, became distant. I'm not sure that they would understand me and I don't think I can let them in totally. In a lot of ways, I deviate from a lot that we grew up with. In late high school/ early university my brother once asked me why I can't just do what the parents want and not argue. My sister and I used to be very close... and now, well now I feel like I don't even know who she is. My cousins... well, we all just went our own way to our own lives.

My friends, on the other hand, know everything.

How is it that I can be so much myself and yet... not? The things I like, the things I do, the way I live my life... not a lot is known there when it comes to family. It makes me feel like I'm living a lie of sorts or maybe a half-truth.

Can one ever be truly open about who one is with everyone?

Actually... no, no good news. I was just using it a la the Professor in Futurerama where it's always followed by bad news for the crew.

I'm being diagnosed ... they're looking into a possible diagnosis??? ... for ADD. Common for bipolar... but guess what?! MORE MEDS!

I wish they'd just prescribe MDMA and call it good.

ALSO! Today is one of those days when I want to go home from work. I was done with it by 9:30am.

Some of you may have already gotten this rant so just skip the next 3 paragraphs.

I had left a sample on Mark's (one of the guys here) desk about what he thinks of the invitation to our open house. I made it simple and I was playing with fonts. He wasn't here when I was doing this nor when I dropped it off so I couldn't explain to him about how it was just a thought and the font wasn't EVEN set as I just grabbed one to fuck with the wording. ALLLLLL he could go on about today was the font so I told him how that wasn't set, I had grabbed any font since I just wanted an opinion on layout etc. I told him I'm still playing with it and I would take the one I used out of the running, that his thoughts were noted. He goes on to explain WHY the font doesn't work etc. I TOLD YOU I WOULD CHANGE IT!

Katheryn our accountant then decides to talk to Jim, one of the other guys here, right around the corner from me about what she thinks I should do. Apparently yesterday as she was leaving, the elevator wasn't locked. I hadn't locked it as it was ONLY 3 when I left and there were 5 people in the office. I know they all at least have instructions on how to do it, if not know how to do it. NOT ONLY THAT but I had no time to lock it as I was running to catch the MAX because I was late bsince SHE wanted me to install some software for her and talk to tech support about how to do it, despite the fact that I told her I could do it on my own. ANNNNNDDDDDD she knows how to lock the fucking elevator! I specifically gave her instructions and saw her write them down in her planner along with other instructions as to how to get into the building. She wants me to write them down for her again because GOD FORBID she look them up! This was followed by Mark popping out of his office asking me to please post the how to-s on locking/ unlocking the elevator near the elevator door. THEY ALL GOT THE FUCKING INFO ON ALL THIS IN A PACKET I MADE WHEN WE MOVED! PRINT THE FUCKER OUT!

The guy who commented on M's fachaybook about how he thinks coffee is disgusting after she had said that she loves coffee... I wanted to punch in the face! Who says that?! Keep your god damn opinions about what you think is disgusting when a person says they like something. He can go fuck him self in the ass with a chainsaw! I almost replied to him about how that was rude.

FUCK YOU MAN!

Not to mention that yesterday??? My cute little oddly cut plaid skirt??? Katheryn said... "How cute! Your skirt... did you make it yourself by cutting a hole in a table cloth?"

*blink*

>>twitch<<

Do people think it's OK to be rude in a... seemingly ok way??? (I really don't know how else to word that... Perhaps Cedric can help)

I'm SOOOO tempted to just give them the rundown about the bipolar diagnosis and how I can't take this shit right now. I'm tempted to tell them so that perhaps they try to not be a 5 year old and to do something on their own as well as so that I can leave RIGHT NOW without any complaints or other explanations. It will also explain my lack of focus lately, which is what has led to the ADD diagnosing.

*breathes*

Not to mention that my period has put me in an irritable mood that is just exacerbating(That's a big word for an 8 year old!) the situation.

I NEEEEEDDDD a trust fund... or to win the lottery... or just enough money to head to KY to join Stephen in his drinking binge.

I'll keep you posted if I do happen to cut a bitch...

/rant

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
2 undernourished egos 4 rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale
Can't endure then you can inhale
Clearly out of body experience
Interferes and dreams of flying I fit nearly
Surrounds me though I get lonely
Slowly

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
She's moving up slowly
Slowly
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly

In my home no chrome as clear as
See me now with my nearest dearest
Been there when I'm over-careering
Room shifting is endearing
Between us is our kitchen
Where she finds my irritants itching
Been here before been here forever

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly

She comes
There be no sound in my eiderdown
Awake I lie in the morning blue
Room is still my antenna in you
Nylon burns the bedspread with 2
Gravity zero see me stall
I bounce off the walls lose my footing and fall
It can be sweet though incomplete though
And the frames will freeze see me on all 4s
Its been a long time

She comes
Comes
I want to X you, she comes
I want to X you, she comes

I caught your radio waves
I caught your radio waves
With tin cans and string
Say you string me along
Say string me along

Say inertia creeps
Inertia creeps and she comes
Say she comes


Inertia Creeps
Massive Attack

... has been broken. I finally posted on OurPDX again. I'm thinking (hoping??) this will mean more posts in general.

:D

I still have issues with what's good and what's not... mostly because I don't believe these are solid black and whites. There are a lot of things I would do that most people wouldn't consider good, but I think as long as I'm being true to myself and take into account what might hurt the ones I love, it's ok. The boyo and I have never been better.

Last night I confessed more of how I work to the boyo. The embarrassing and hard to confess parts. He said he mostly already knew/ guessed at what I was "supposedly confessing," but I was still trying to get him to realize the extent of it. I was trying to convey the fact that I really have no scruples when it comes to certain things that affect myself and my loved ones. I like knowing that we are learning more and more about each other especially as we change. It's an ongoing and constant communication and I think it's awesome.

As the boyo put it, what an odd and wonderful life we live!

For a while there we were debating Cedric and M's invitation to move into their house (they have 2 unused rooms). Mainly it was the debate of to give up our own space or not to. It's not like we hadn't done the living with a few friends in one house thing before, so it wasn't a huge issue. We have discovered, though, that we really do like the dynamics of living with friends. Granted, you have to believe that the way of living of all involved fits well in order to do so, and that is precisely why we thought that.... this....just...might....WORK!

We're very excited to have a house to share again, especially Cedric and M's. I've always felt very at home there and I do like their taste in decor and... well, a lot of things. I think our dynamics are similar and there's a lot of mutual love and respect between the 4 of us. This makes me VERY excited. Well, that and the fact that I think we all have something to bring to the table when it comes to existing... no... being part of each others' lives.

So I'm optimistic about the future, completely comfortable in my own skin and I think I'm back to a very Ceci... Ceci. Heh.

Speaking of comfortable in my own skin, I'm about 10 lbs away from my fighting weight. I'm not one to be obsessed with being thin, however, I gained 20 - 25 pounds when I moved here and I've not been comfortable in that weight. It just didn't feel like me. My clothes are fitting again which means I have more of a wardrobe these days and I can now walk around naked in my apartment and feel like it's all just me; it's comfortable.

I am, however, still scared of the internets. I'm working on it...

...
but I just can't get enough of asofterworld.com

This... makes me happy today:
It also made me think of Chloé.

Something about it makes me remember that I wish for impossible things... and sometimes get them.

Earlier, a couple of comments that were posted due to my fa-cheybook status got me thinking of poetry.

I can't write poetry but I love it. I love to read it, love to hear it... love what it does to words with its rhythm.

I have a poem that keeps going 'round my head ever since I opened up my Emily Dickinson book a month or so ago. I place it here now.

I go back and forth from this:

To this:


They're both very me. Pensive and cynical to feisty and not giving a shit as long as it's me.

I love A Softer World.