Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Edited on Thursday March 18, 2010:
So... for those who don't know, I fell down the stairs about a week and a half ago. I've been in on and off again pain and, although it SEEMED like I was getting better, I overdid it and strained my back again.
Tuesday night I could barely sleep because it hurt to move if I changed positions and I had to take 2 muscle relaxers to knock me out. When I woke up yesterday, it hurt to get up, it hurt to move around... basically it just hurt. I stayed home after some coercing (ok, very little coercing) by M and it was a good thing too! I took a muscle relaxer and about an hour or so later I was not feeling much and very tired. I woke up around 12:30pm and got up and talked with Cedric some. He made lunch and I took some Naproxen with my food (like ya do), however, around the time of this post, the muscle relaxer wore off completely and it hurt if I moved positions on the couch. I had to admit that, although the spirit was willing, the flesh was broken. :(
So despite how I felt, I had to admit to myself that the boyo was right and that I have to go into a period of unwanted abstinence.
Grr!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So I'm not the girliest of girls. Often times, I can be found with many a bruise and skinned knees. Also, some times (most times?) I choose sleep in lieu of appearance. The bruises, skinned knees, and lack of motivation in my appearance can get to me.
I like that I don't care, but on days like today I think, "Gads! I wouldn't fuck me unless I was my last choice!"
I've been sort of broken for about a little more than a week now. In my clumsiness that causes most of the aforementioned bruises, I fell halfway down our stairs. Owe! Thankfully there was nothing major broken, I was just very badly bruised.
I badly need a shag but I feel QUITE unshaggable.
It's been about 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! That's a bit more than I'd like. The boyo's been busy and I've not really done much in trying to make things any better, so that leaves me feeling... Meh!
I'm hyper-sexual. How much of it needs to be... released, I'm not sure of. Sometimes I wonder if I should reign it in or even try to. Other times I'm of the opinion that I need to get what I need. Generally, it's a means of communication, of love and of trust - no matter who. I like to feel and sometimes that means more than just emotions or hugs.
Maybe it's touch deprivation in that sense - in the sexual sense.
It's possible.
Whatever it is, I feel a need to connect and to feel wanted, loved and close. There are days when I would love to do nothing more than this. Those days I contemplate any person that passes by. However, I learned my lesson a long time ago that that doesn't give me what I want. It looks good on paper, but when executed it's always a mess!
I had dreams about boys last night. Of flirting and getting to know people. Of preening to show just how much better than anyone else there I was, and owning it. It was nothing hot nor steamy; there was no kissing nor sex. There was just that hint of electricity in the air and the longing for the shock, the closeness, the touches.
The feeling never left.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yes, how do they do it?
So the side effect I hate... I think I'd say the most (even more than weight gain) is in full force.
That's right ladies and gents! The higher dosage of Celexa lowered my libido. HA! (See what I did there??) In an attempt to fix this, we're backing down the Celexa to the original dose and pumping up the Lamictal.
YAY!
Fun with side effects and my sex life!
Seriously, I feel broken and no one wants a broken girl. Oh cruel life! I go from hyper-sexual to non-sexual with no middle ground. WTF?!
What good is life without sex?! The universal question, people, the universal question.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
This past week I've been inundated with dreams of a sexual nature. People I know, people I don't know, yet always quite graphic. They leave me panting in the morning and quite... bothered... in the frustration kind of way.
Last night I realized ('cause I've been thinking a lot about it) that I'm still having the god damn Catholic hangups! No matter how many people that I'd LIKE to be closer to, I can't get myself to really a) do anything about it and b) think about it. It's like sometimes my mind shuts out any sexual thoughts/ longings/ desires and I feel not much of anything... but yet still do. It's a struggle, it's a battle.
I keep telling myself that I just have to own it, just be me. Something in me and something around me makes me feel that it's just not right, that everything I feel/ want/ think is bad or perverse.
I'm working on it.
I am a very sexual person by nature and I have been as long as I can remember. I like the sensual side, I like things that make my toes curl, that make me shudder. I like the feel of the silky clean sheets on my skin. I like the feel of skin on skin; a soft, silky feeling that I can lose myself in. I love fierce kisses, a bite on the lip, an almost starved need. I love tracing fingers down a back. I love the hard and I love melting into another; all depending on what the feeling is. The sneaking kisses in the dark of a live show, the intoxication that may or may not come from the martinis, the electricity that crackles as you sit with someone.
I know these things. I love these things. I have to work on practicing them and I like this assignment.
:)
"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head
If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover
When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency
Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end
cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
cause them people never play the game"
IAMX
Last night I realized ('cause I've been thinking a lot about it) that I'm still having the god damn Catholic hangups! No matter how many people that I'd LIKE to be closer to, I can't get myself to really a) do anything about it and b) think about it. It's like sometimes my mind shuts out any sexual thoughts/ longings/ desires and I feel not much of anything... but yet still do. It's a struggle, it's a battle.
I keep telling myself that I just have to own it, just be me. Something in me and something around me makes me feel that it's just not right, that everything I feel/ want/ think is bad or perverse.
I'm working on it.
I am a very sexual person by nature and I have been as long as I can remember. I like the sensual side, I like things that make my toes curl, that make me shudder. I like the feel of the silky clean sheets on my skin. I like the feel of skin on skin; a soft, silky feeling that I can lose myself in. I love fierce kisses, a bite on the lip, an almost starved need. I love tracing fingers down a back. I love the hard and I love melting into another; all depending on what the feeling is. The sneaking kisses in the dark of a live show, the intoxication that may or may not come from the martinis, the electricity that crackles as you sit with someone.
I know these things. I love these things. I have to work on practicing them and I like this assignment.
:)
"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head
If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover
When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency
Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end
cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
cause them people never play the game"
IAMX
;;
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