Sunday, December 20, 2009

Coming Clean -OR- Unapologetic

I'm need to do this. I need to be unapologetic for my life. I need to out myself.

I am open... and by that I mean that I'm in an open relationship. I find that I have no problem with it and have in fact always felt like I was wrong in thinking that I should not be this way.

Today I tried to talk to Amander about it who had already heard a little about it from another friend. I get that. Friends get concerned. I do, at times like these, feel like I have to be apologetic for the life that I chose and that I have to tell it as such - apologetically. That's my reaction; that's my problem for reacting that way to the situation. So I tried to tell her and fell into the feeling the situation was wrong because of what I thought she may or may not have heard. I felt like I was trying to belittle and apologize what I felt. Again, my fault.

I want everyone to know that I'm ok with things. I'm not apologetic in actuality for it. I love my life and I love that I feel like I can live it exactly like I want to. I like that I get to be right in the things I chose for myself and I'm happy to know that the boyo is in accordance with me and is my partner in crime.

I know that not all things I chose are conventional and I know that not everyone is going to accept it. They don't have to, I have to. In order to do that I have to accept things and be open.

This is me, this is what I think is right for me.

How does one take every person in one's life aside and explain this?

It has nothing to do with trying to end run a fear that someone will cheat on me and it's not a fear that I have of commitment. It's simply the way I am and the way I know that I always have been.

This is me.

I'm not feeling like I have to apologize anymore... and so this is what you'll get. I'm happy. I'm so happy I can twirl around like a mad woman singing in the alps and yell! This is who I know I am, what I've always wanted the freedom to be and have known that wasn't the status quo but that it worked for me and mine.

For that I love Da5id. For that he's my partner in crime.

I'm finally me... and I won't shy away or apologize.

The buck stops here.

I love my life. I won't trade it for anyhting in the world and I think anyone would be so lucky to be me. Instead.... I own it... I am it... and I won't apologize for it.

"and you shall not separate from me
I have a heart that's full of life..."

Bat for Lashes
Two Planets


Paige said...

Living honestly is so... free. And not everyone finds their freedom. I am happy for you!! :)

Marginalia said...

Hey Ceci,

I wasn't aware of your choice, but you can certainly talk to me about it. No one on the outside of a relationship truly knows what is going on inside, so you really can't rely on what outsiders decide is best, no matter how well meaning they are. I know that the two of you love each other. You can work out the rules of engagement together, throughout your marriage.

(PS: You should read Stephanie Coontz' "Marriage: A History," which traces the history of marriage from its origins. Very well researched. It pretty much explodes the myth that there is one perfect definition of marriage that has always held true. Even, a "traditional" marriage today is in many ways pretty radical, from a historical standpoint.)

Unknown said...

You're poly?! AWESOME

Unknown said...

Glad to know that you were able to gain some insight in some of our prior conversations on the topic and find your own unique path to the truth. Congratulations!