Friday, July 10, 2009


We've been through a lot, the boyo and I.

When I decided to separate from the ex-boyo, I knew Da5id was something. I had known him for a couple years by then and I loved that he never judged me and always knew exactly what I was talking about. We had similar war stories.

I was scared, though. Here I was knowing that I had to jump from this cliff into the dreaded d-word and it scared me. I had been wrong and now I had to undo it, and I knew divorce wasn't easy. Da5id stood by me.

When we started to date, not long after, he had to live with my doubt. Here's a girl he fell in love with that went back and forth from "I love you" to "Perhaps I should go back to my husband."

It wasn't meant to hurt... or tease, it was only because I had no idea what I should do despite knowing what I should do. I was scared. I was scared of constantly jumping from person to person and thinking "This one. This is it" and then being wrong. Worse still, making this big of a mistake that now involved divorce again. Even at all! What if I was just constantly looking for better instead of learning how to make it work?

I was wrong, though.

I was wrong about jumping from guy to guy, forever thinking the grass is always greener. This time I wanted to fight for this relationship. This time, through good and bad, whether him or me, I wanted to work it out. Why? Because I love him more than anything, because after 8 or so years, he still makes my toes curl and still gives me butterflies in my stomach. Even better; this time, I was right. I knew that then, but was too scared to embrace it and maybe I had to work through that fear in order to get to this.

The other day he came by to our new offices just to say hi because he was in the neighborhood. Seeing him in a place that my mind says "Wait, he doesn't belong in this picture" made my day. I suppose, to me, it was like seeing an oasis in the desert. I was giddy as he went along on an errand to the bank where I had to make a deposit for work. The whole way there I kept beaming up at him and holding his hand.

I love his hands. They fit perfectly in mine and feel so comfortable there. The first time we kissed, there was no awkwardness, no adjusting or readjusting to try to get it right. He already knew... or perhaps it was just another example as to how we were two parts of a whole.

Currently, with the bipolar disorder diagnosis, he's been very patient, taking the blows and the episodes somehow. Standing still as I (figuratively) punch him and (literally) scream at him. This is not what he signed up for. This is not the girl he met.

I am worse than ever, or rather, right up until the meds kicked in. I was at a new high in the Ceci scale of crazy. Sure he always knew I was a little crazy, but it used to be a good crazy.

He needs a medal or something.

I love him... whole-ly, deeply, madly. There were times when he started to fall/ was falling that I was there to catch him. This time he's catching me.

We won't let each other fall off that ledge, no matter how close we come to it.

"If that's what it takes
then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart"

Cut Copy - Out there on the Ice


Unknown said...

Probably won't make much sense to non-Deluca fans but... I trust you to kill me... minus that... it's fantastic like a snowy morning!

Liz said...

I love this post and I love the picture and I love your love story.

Ceci Virtue said...

@Da5id - I love your comment! It was....perfect. I'm glad you liked it...and I'm glad I'm learning to use my words again. Things seem clearer. I remembered that even with all this... I don't want to be anyone else. Especially since you love Ceci.

@JuggleJane - coming from you, and aside from D5's comment, THAT'S quite a compliment!