Reconciling Saints

I hate it.

Do you think that it's possible to live in a place that's mostly cold? Like... REALLY cold???? That's sounding like heaven to me. It's not like that I don't like being warm nor does it mean that I don't a appreciate that crisp day where the sun keeps you nice and warm and the winds tease you in the shadows. No... those days I can stand the heat/ sun.

I digress...

Here's my problem: I don't know how to deal with the sun.

I overheat, feel horrible, cannot do anymore than turn into a little pool of Ceci. I also feel uncomfortable in my clothes and forget wearing anything that's office appropriate! My face just shiny, I sweat easily and my hair does that thing that only curly hair can... and that is be completely unruly. In short, I look and feel terrible! A red face is not pretty, especially when it's all shiny and shit. Sweaty clothes... also not attractive, not to mention that I can get a little stinky. What can I say, it's genetics. *shrugs*

I HATE this! This... and the fact that I burn easily... is why I hate the sun. It does horrible things to me, I never look good and I feel miserable. There!

I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm just not very good at being a girl. I don't know how to get my hair to not do the unruly thing. I had hoped that with it shorter, I would be able to get it under control a little more, but now it just does this Clark Kent thing and I end up looking like a soccer mom who has been running after her kids all day... and more in a "I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you once I catch you" kinda way.

*sigh *

Help! ... or I'm gonna end up living in Iceland for the rest of my life... Which would help my allergies, I'm sure but that's another gripe all together.

*hangs head*
Shoot me now.

All right. I've gotten a few emails and I think you guys need an explanation.

I am not doing well. The diagnosis meant meds and the meds meant that they would take time for me to get sorted. I've also had to regulate my sleep which meant a mild anti-depressant/ sedative. Without it I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep due to the manic.

Well, they weren't quite catching on so they upped the dosage of my anti-depressant. As of week 5 of the upped dosage and the mood stabilizer, I was still terrorizing the boyo and my loved ones. At the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday I let her know that my cognitive distortion problem was getting worse. Half the time I trust people and the other half I don't trust anyone. Not even the boyo, which is ludicrous as he's done so much to try and help me and puts up with the ranting and raving. I'm seeing demons everywhere, in a sense.

So they've added a new drug to my cocktail. This one is an SSRI which works differently than the rest in that it ups the amount of serotonin. I've had this type before. The paxil made me blissed out and numb. Not to mention the sexual side effects which just really made me more depressed. It was a lot like when you feel like you have to sneeze and it just ends in a sort of "huh." Not satisfying AT ALL. The next one was Lexapro which was much better but I had a weight gain problem which ALSO made me depressed 'cause I didn't feel right in my own skin. It also toned me down a bit, but didn't numb me. I didn't notice this until they switched me to the Wellbutrin which is less invasive and I was a lot more fiesty. It felt like I had woken up from a long sleep.

So I'm not happy about the new drug, but I understand why it's necessary right now.

What does this have to do with my posting?

Mostly I don't post because I don't want to just post about how shitty I feel and end up having whiney posts. I know that my friends want to know what's wrong as no one has heard from me, so that's why I'm posting now. As JuggleJane said to me, if that's what you're feeling and going through, just post that. It's not that it's too personal to share since... well I'm a pretty open book. It's to save you from post after dreary post about how I'm tired of crying, tired of fighting and tired of being tired. It's boring me.

The instinct is to shut down and hole up but I have to fight that. So I fill my days with stuff to do. Work is terribly busy as we have a lot of projects and we're in the midst of moving offices and I'm in charge of coordinating, buying furniture, making sure the wiring and repairs are done, etc. Then it's off to the gym which I do 6 days a week to try to feel better and up the endorphins. I'm now wondering if I should make it 7. Some nights I hang out with friends... some nights I watch a movie or 30 Rock with the boyo. Movie night is mondays and we've been trying to go out on weekends more.

So by the time 9 pm rolls around, I'm generally pretty tired (and sore from the gym) and I sort of glaze over. I stare at Eddie the Shipboard Computer and I think, I need to write, I need to post, and I open up a browser window, go to this here blog and... stare at the space that I'm supposed to fill with words, which obviously doesn't happen.

I'll try to get to the emails you sent me this week and update you a bit more or answer your questions, but I thought that I'd offer up some sort of explanation for now.

Virtue out.

You know, every year I try to make resolutions. Well, technically I make them but I don't exactly keep them. This year, there's things that I'm working on and I suppose that those would be my resolutions, but I don't feel like calling them resolutions. To me, the term "new year's resolution" has a bad connotation; they are things that people make and don't keep. I never keep them either, that is until last year.

Last year my resolution was to be the best me that I could be and to do (or start doing) the things I wanted to do and not the things I thought I should do or that I thought people wanted me to do. That was actually a little hard but fairly easy (there were a few bumps along the way).

It seems like a cheat to me, though, that my resolution would be to just... be. How weird is it that we need to resolve to do such a thing? Seriously, what's wrong with us?

So this year, in the spirit of just being, I give you my non-resolutions:

- Health: I'm going to continue the going to the gym thing in order to feel right in my own skin. I want to feel the strongest that I've ever felt, and I know that this is how I do it. I learn from experience. Evey time I fall off the wagon, I start feeling crappy. I'm just going to continue working this into my routine.

- Writing: Well, I've tackled a few things and as Dorey says in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming." So I'm going to keep writing, making time for writing, and submitting until something happens, even if it's death that happens. Get me?

- Travel: Well this one's easy! I'm off to London/Paris/Prague in March/April... then Scotland for Asef's wedding and Hogmanay in December.I'd say I have the travel thing down. Travel is important to me and I'm gonna keep doing it... even once I live in Edinburgh ('cause that is a goal, after all).

- Friends: will always be my family, and I'm going to keep making sure they're updated and remembering them and reminding them that I'm around. They mean a lot to me. Communication is important to that, especially when they're that far away.

- Wardrobe: I'm gonna keep on the look out for more Ceci-type articles of clothing and make smarter decisions about what I'm buying and that I LOVE them. I do. I love feeling great in my clothes, especially if I feel great in my own skin.

- The boyo: I'm gonna remember that he doesn't always share my crazy/ understand my crazy and keep on learning the lessons that we learned about how to just... be. Also, I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm not always totally clear with what I say and that his boy-brain processes it differently.

In short, I'm going to just keep swimming.