Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Duality

More from A Softer World


Sometimes I feel like I lead a dual life. Maybe it's what we all do and then again maybe the lesson is to be who you are no matter what.

My life takes odd twists and turns but always I fight to be me. I fight to be the best, most me that there is. I've fought everyone that's ever told me what they thought was wrong or how I should do things. Most especially, though, I've fought my parents.

I fought my parents to be me in high school. I've always known who Ceci is for as long as I can remember. In college I still fought to be Ceci and to be treated as an adult despite the threats of not paying for school anymore (to which I told them that that was fine by me). When I wanted to get married I fought for that because I thought I was right. It turned out to be a mistake, but it was a lesson to be learned. When I wanted a divorce (because it was a mistake) I fought for that despite my parents' beliefs, advice and admonishments. The list goes on.

Still... there are places I won't go with them... mainly because, well they disagree anyway so why keep going?

However, the family... also doesn't really know me. Maybe they guess... maybe it's ok for them to not know everything. It's odd that the people I grew up with and was so close to, became distant. I'm not sure that they would understand me and I don't think I can let them in totally. In a lot of ways, I deviate from a lot that we grew up with. In late high school/ early university my brother once asked me why I can't just do what the parents want and not argue. My sister and I used to be very close... and now, well now I feel like I don't even know who she is. My cousins... well, we all just went our own way to our own lives.

My friends, on the other hand, know everything.

How is it that I can be so much myself and yet... not? The things I like, the things I do, the way I live my life... not a lot is known there when it comes to family. It makes me feel like I'm living a lie of sorts or maybe a half-truth.

Can one ever be truly open about who one is with everyone?



2 comments:

thedr9wningman said...

Coming from a person who I think actually gets on very well with his family, I still think a lot of times people put too much stock in family.

Most of the people I know don't enjoy spending time with family. It is a chore. It is a 'should' and they feel it to be an obligation.

To me, if anyone in your life can't or won't accept you for who you are, why do they get to be a part of it?

Family for many just seems to dredge up issues. And as we become adults, it is imperative that we unlearn so much of what we learned around parents and family, whether you get on with them well or not.

I find that a lot of people who are parents generally aren't very well equipped to do so or get into it for the wrong reasons (accident, ego, 'fixing' a broken relationship, 'it's the next step'). It was never really about the kids. It was about the parents.

And now... it seems that that continues.

I don't know your parents. At all. And I'm not adverse to meeting them. But if you aren't growing from interacting with them, why is it that you would interact with them? If you enjoy being around them, talking to them, etc., that's a different story.

Despite my recent problems with my father, they're not exactly problems between us. My father has been a great friend to me for at least 15 years. That transition was sudden, more or less, but maybe changing one's perception of their parents less as parents and more as people/friends may be a better approach at times?

Da5id said...

why would you want or need to?

We don't need to introduce ourselves as, "Hello my name is Da5id, I'm a recovering drug abuser though not an addict. I have HPV. I'm straight and not flexible. I have signficant issues with intimacy and control... yada yada yaday"

"Ummm.... hello Da5id i'm the President of Burundi"

See? doesn't always work :)

Love you... love seeing you write again!