Friday, August 28, 2009


Last night's Bat for Lashes show was incredible. I had SUCH a great time and I couldn't sleep 'til 2am because I was just so charged up. I was going to write some but I called stePHen instead. I love that boyo. We talked and talked and talked. What an awesome night... what a great night to bring me back to me after The Monster that escaped this week.

The world is a safe place again.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Did I mention that the therapist and the psychiatrist kicked around the notion of putting me on Prozac for these days of the month?


Yes, it is that bad.

Is it any wonder I asked to get back on the pill???

Your A Softer World moment of zen

The world will have to bear with me another day. That's right... I fell to the communists about 4 days ago... and I hate it. After years of not having a period, I've been dealing with one since the boyo got snipped in January. Why? Well I thought it would be a GREAT idea to not take the pill anymore.

BOY was I wrong!

The pill I was on was a low estrogen pill so I rarely got a period and when I did it was VERY light. This was accompanied by barely any cramps (which, like my period were mild) and hardly the mood swing save for the usual crazy.

My reaction to the first day of having a period sans pill??

"What the FUCK is this?! This is bullshit!"

Followed by, "OH MY GOD someone kill me now to put me out of this GOD DAMN misery that's known as cramps!!!"


Unfortunately this also led to me terrorizing the world but mostly the boyo. I don't know which was worse, the period mood swings or the bipolar issues. I'm gonna have to go with bipolar but now that the meds are working for that, well... I dunno.

Yesterday I decided "Fuck this! I'm getting back on the pill!"... and none too soon, let me tell you! So I called my doctor and we talked it out and VOILA! I pick it up today. However, until this period ends, the world will have to keep hiding.

Yesterday was plain AWFUL! The cramps were so bad that Katie-Kat had to bring me a heating pad. I tried chamomile tea and Midol too! Nothing that generally works worked. Then...the mood swings kicked in.

I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to apologize and talk it through when I wigged out on the boyo. I tried to make it right in so many ways but... to no avail. The monster kept winning.

Thankfully the cavalry came in in the form of Tera (Thank you, Tera!) and that helped. I hope the boyo gets that that was a weird way of saying I'm sorry and of getting him back in touch with a person who has been an integral part of his life that I think he needs (as well as vice versa).

For now... I ask you all to please, judge me not on the current Ceci, and if you can... HIDE!

Save me
save me
save me

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

And none of these
Thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so bad
I need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Save me
save me
save me

Save Me

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
2 undernourished egos 4 rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale
Can't endure then you can inhale
Clearly out of body experience
Interferes and dreams of flying I fit nearly
Surrounds me though I get lonely

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
She's moving up slowly
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly

In my home no chrome as clear as
See me now with my nearest dearest
Been there when I'm over-careering
Room shifting is endearing
Between us is our kitchen
Where she finds my irritants itching
Been here before been here forever

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly
Inertia keeps moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly

She comes
There be no sound in my eiderdown
Awake I lie in the morning blue
Room is still my antenna in you
Nylon burns the bedspread with 2
Gravity zero see me stall
I bounce off the walls lose my footing and fall
It can be sweet though incomplete though
And the frames will freeze see me on all 4s
Its been a long time

She comes
I want to X you, she comes
I want to X you, she comes

I caught your radio waves
I caught your radio waves
With tin cans and string
Say you string me along
Say string me along

Say inertia creeps
Inertia creeps and she comes
Say she comes

Inertia Creeps
Massive Attack

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Radio Silence

... has been broken. I finally posted on OurPDX again. I'm thinking (hoping??) this will mean more posts in general.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I still have issues with what's good and what's not... mostly because I don't believe these are solid black and whites. There are a lot of things I would do that most people wouldn't consider good, but I think as long as I'm being true to myself and take into account what might hurt the ones I love, it's ok. The boyo and I have never been better.

Last night I confessed more of how I work to the boyo. The embarrassing and hard to confess parts. He said he mostly already knew/ guessed at what I was "supposedly confessing," but I was still trying to get him to realize the extent of it. I was trying to convey the fact that I really have no scruples when it comes to certain things that affect myself and my loved ones. I like knowing that we are learning more and more about each other especially as we change. It's an ongoing and constant communication and I think it's awesome.

As the boyo put it, what an odd and wonderful life we live!

For a while there we were debating Cedric and M's invitation to move into their house (they have 2 unused rooms). Mainly it was the debate of to give up our own space or not to. It's not like we hadn't done the living with a few friends in one house thing before, so it wasn't a huge issue. We have discovered, though, that we really do like the dynamics of living with friends. Granted, you have to believe that the way of living of all involved fits well in order to do so, and that is precisely why we thought that.... this....just...might....WORK!

We're very excited to have a house to share again, especially Cedric and M's. I've always felt very at home there and I do like their taste in decor and... well, a lot of things. I think our dynamics are similar and there's a lot of mutual love and respect between the 4 of us. This makes me VERY excited. Well, that and the fact that I think we all have something to bring to the table when it comes to existing... no... being part of each others' lives.

So I'm optimistic about the future, completely comfortable in my own skin and I think I'm back to a very Ceci... Ceci. Heh.

Speaking of comfortable in my own skin, I'm about 10 lbs away from my fighting weight. I'm not one to be obsessed with being thin, however, I gained 20 - 25 pounds when I moved here and I've not been comfortable in that weight. It just didn't feel like me. My clothes are fitting again which means I have more of a wardrobe these days and I can now walk around naked in my apartment and feel like it's all just me; it's comfortable.

I am, however, still scared of the internets. I'm working on it...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's a sign

Monday, August 3, 2009

*Friday was Da5id's birthday party, but that is another story and shall be told another time.

SO! First of all Saturday was hangover day... like you do. We sat around for the good part of the day watching Battlestar Galactica . Da5id went through his gifts and tried on various things. He loved them all!

So I was sitting on the floor, like I do, when I went to get up to get some water and I tripped over my own feet as I got myself up from a crossed-leg position. I went down hard and landed in a sort of push up pose with my left big toe hitting the floor first, full weight on it. Ow! It started swelling but wasn't bruised and I hoped it was only a contusion but it REALLY hurt to move it or even move my foot a little. I'm still not sure if it's broken as I can currently wiggle it around a little but it hurts to put too much weight on it. Later that night when I got home I took off my shoe and there was indeed a bruise and it was swelling so I iced it and propped it up.

Kat and I went out for dinner at the Rose and Thistle and just sat around and talked until almost 1 am! This happens to us a lot... we just lose track of time. Da5id was off with Dana at the Horsebrass. I find it funny that we both ended up at pubs. Da5id and I decided we need to spend more time individually with friends. It seemed that we were always seeing our friends as a couple and in groups but rarely one on one. I think we all need that time with our friends to stay connected.

... Do you hear that kids! IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU THINK YOU ARE! Sheesh. I feel like I try to stay connected with everyone by at least updating my blog, posting pics, etc. yet I have a limited idea as to what's going on out there (save for Liz, London, Chloé via email... and sometimes... sometimes... Leigh). Send me pictures! Keep me posted... I don't even care if it's a newsletter. I was thinking that I don't even know what Ava looks like anymore. Did Dora get the pictures and card I sent her for mother's day? What's Leigh look like now as Liz says she looks amazing?

I'm just sayin'...

Yesterday was SUPER great minus the painful toe. I spent lots of time talking to the boyo about how he's doing, how I'm doing and how we're doing. I think we're in a really good place and I love that we're both doing really well in who we are on our own and together. I'm getting better and better each day (save some internet problems that I still have) and Da5id is working on himself too. I think he realized that he (and we) were slipping into a "settling" spot... and we can't do that. My mom paid us a compliment when they were here last week by saying that she forgets we're married 'cause we act like people who are still dating. I took that to mean that we're still... I dunno... into our own things and not just hanging around??? Does that make sense? I think she meant it as a compliment and that's how I took it anyway.

I really feel like Da5id's my other half and that he just fits so perfectly with me. It's amazing that I would stay with someone for 8 years and still feel like I did when I first fell for the boyo. I feel lucky to have found this person... and I think that he's damn lucky too.

Last night Kat and I went to the Trashcan Sinatras show.

Photo care of Kat's iPhone

It's been 5 YEARS since they toured and I saw them at the Troubadour. I remember that we had JUST moved to Long Beach and I took Da5id with me. I was SOOOOO excited as they hadn't toured since the early 90s then. The show was good, although a lot more mellow than I wanted ('cause it's all about me... heh!). The neatest thing, though... was that they would take the audio from the soundboard and capture it on the computer then download it onto a thumb drive so that one could buy it at the end of the show. Kat and I were ALL over that! All in all... a good show.

Then... I slept.

Wonderful weekend!

"Over the moon and under the influence..."

Easy Read
Trashcan Sinatras