Saturday, May 31, 2008

oh and...

on a ... ummm..... giddy , "i'm-as-happy-as-a-little-girl" note...

The new Eclipse edition comes out ...well ... TODAY since it's technically Saturday .. with the sneak preview of Breaking Dawn!!!

I know... I just lost my street cred, huh?


Girl, Interrupted

This one is dedicated to all the people out there who are going through the shittiest time in their lives...
and who would never change it for the world...

"so what do you think about me?
I couldn't live without me...
and everyone around me
is driving me mad
so here I go along this road
feeling I don't want to slow...
I run so hard, I lose my breath
one thing I don't want to know...
What do you think?
~the sundays~

"when people say 'you're dead!'
you know you've caught their eye
and on any other day
I'd be soul destroyed
but that's just not the way now
I don't mind telling you
nothing is quite what it seems..."
Blood on my hands
the sundays

I'm in a lyric mood tonight... as I usually am when I feel so very
I do feel like anyone that's going through a shit time, though, will understand those lyrics and think I'm posting them just for YOU....

'cause I am

So I didn't post this week despite the fact that I've got a good 3 or 4 posts in me because... well, life happened.

As you know, my little fiasco has been here, and it's been wreaking havoc this week. I got in a huge fight with the mum that almost caused the post of "Why Ceci unpacked only to repack... news at 11" to be posted. This was very quickly to be followed by "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!"

There's so much that I want to say and so much that I'm not... sure... I can say.

In short... the fiasco is over. The press release on this *or the blog release, rather* is that the DA decided not to try the case which means that... it's somehow all over and the life that was interrupted is now free to go on. I'm so freakin' THRILLED I can't even begin to believe it. First of all because it's the second miracle that's ever happened to me *I think I may have posted about the first WAY back in The Bride days... but I'm not sure... so ask for clarification* and second of all... well... I mean... I totally expected a knock down fight to come out of this. I didn't think that this would go away without a fight... and a lot of money in legal fees. Perhaps I should shut my big mouth as I don't have all the particulars from my lawyer... but she did tell me that much.

This girl, interrupted, is free to proceed.

Which brings me to all SORTS of thoughts... and those are...

There are those nights... say, like tonight, when things can't be better after ALLLL sorts of fucked up... when I'm singing at the top of my lungs whilst driving home and thinking, "I would not have traded any of this for the world... even the really dark and icky parts." This... is my life. I do so love everything about it... even the bad.

This also reminded me of people I know and have talked to who are going through tough times of their own recently. I know that I've always given the advice that's harder to stick to... the tougher and nastier.. almost, wallow in it and let it sink in sort of advice. I stick by that.

Tonight I spent the night with some friends of mine who seemed to express that they were going through some trying times too. Some, merely in the, "what do I do now?" category... which is tough enough. 4 people... not just a couple. I can also off the top of my head think of a few more that are fighting demons and wondering what the hell they are doing right now. I can picture one in particular who might wonder, "What the hell have I done?"
well, I think everyone says that from time to time... and a few are saying it now. Well, at least a few people I know.

Of course, I'm the miracle girl, so I'm sure one can think that I have the luxury of saying this from my vantage point.

UGH!... I over think this!

Look... it's simple. Life is full of horrible things and beautiful things... and for every time that I can say, "I love this!" I can also count an equal number of times that I can say, "Good God! What will happen? What have I done? What is happening?" in any number of variations of that.
Due to this, I feel that I can say ... still standing by what I've always said... I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My advice stays the same... I still think that you... yes YOU should do exactly what you know is right... even though it goes against everything anyone's ever told you. Trust yourself... I think you know, despite the gut wrenching feeling, what it is that you need. Sometimes... that's harder because... because for some reason, doing what's right by one's self can be the toughest since it's so selfish! However, how else are you going to be happy???

I'd do it all over again, I would. I wouldn't change it for the world.



Still... I stand here and say...

Bring it!

"Nobody said it would be fair
they warned you before you went out there
there's always a chance to get restarted
to a new world, new life,
scarred but smarter..."

Scarred but Smarter
~Drivin' and Cryin' ~

Sunday, May 25, 2008


Today I went to the movies with Joe and Chloé to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 'cause everyone else went to see it whilst we were at the Dresden Dolls Show on Wednesday. Totally worth missing it! Well, even if it had been Amélie, seeing The Dresden Dolls live would have been totally worth it. (This is the thinking that had me going to more concerts than movies back in '98... )

I digress...

Some asshat decided that they would bring their 8 month old along. Oh ... a 2 or 3 year old, who was not as loud, but still liked to make himself known by toddling up and down the aisles. Who does this!? I'm sorry, but if you can't get a sitter, don't go to a fucking movie and ruin it for everyone else! I would have been fine with it if the kids slept through it, whatever. However, to have the kids disrupt the movie... and not even take them outside, instead letting them ruin everyone ELSE'S experience... is plain rude and should be banned! There should seriously be a law not allowing them into movies. Come ON! Most of the middle part of the movie was ruined by the baby screaming. Take the freakin' child OUT SIDE!!! What?! Like you can enjoy the movie while your kid screams?! No sitter? Well, I suggest that you take yourself out of theaters and just own up to the fact that it's DVD city for you. Hell, invest in a home theater if you're paying that much for a movie anyway. None of my friends with kids would EVER do this.


Why is it always lower class families that do this? I'm not trying to be class-ist or anything, but it's true! I don't see this going on at the nice theaters in LA, but go to Long Beach, or anywhere else where you might get lower income families, and you'll see this A LOT! I'm not even middle class! Lower middle class MAYBE... but I work at a temp job and the boyo is on unemployment and I can't afford to spend money on movie tickets (but do as a treat from time to time anyway) and have my experience ruined by these stupid asshats! I just... don't get it! It seems like common decency.

This brings to mind a discussion the boyo and I had on Thursday whilst at dinner with Dora.
Ha ha ha! Not the asshattery that goes on by the stupids with the kids (yes, there's also the fact that someone this rude is breeding that I have a problem with), but the theme of kids in general.
... and that of having them.

As some of you may know, the boy and I are of the "not going to have kids" category. There are all sorts of reasons for this, not the least being the fact that, yes, we are selfish and yes, we do like our "me" time. In fact, I was particularly peeved that having the boyo here this week REALLY cut into my writing and gym time. I joke! I joke! I loved having him here... I'm still walking funny.

So during a break in conversation at dinner, and as we waited for Dora to return from the loo, Da5id asked me how I felt about his getting snipped. The funny thing is, I admitted, that I had been thinking about the same thing after staring at the birth control pills that I've been taking for the past 16 years. I mean... if we're not going to have them, why not? So Da5id said he'd figured he'd get it done now that we have off time, rather than later and was wondering what my thoughts were on the idea. I told him that I had no problem with it and had wondered why we hadn't discussed this before. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to talk to me about it seeing as he thought it was a decision we both had to make and also because I used to be on the fence (the fence being that I wasn't sure how I'd feel in the future but god no I didn't want any now!). It's funny 'cause I almost feel like I should be thinking more about this, but really... no... no... I think we know what we want... and if we both change our minds later, there are millions of children that need adopting.

So there you have it.

Friday, May 23, 2008


OK... so I did it...

I cut my hair....

I can't believe it
but I love it...

Monday, May 19, 2008

ok SO!

You know how a couple of posts ago I was looking for Here??

Well, for my birthday ... I found it!

I'm so happy! This MUST be a good omen...

What else will the day bring!?

it's my birthday too!

it's 12:05 am on May 19th ... so I'm officially 32
that's what liz said, anyway...

Thanks to all who have already started to make my 32nd birthday memorable... as if life wasn't doing a good job on its own...

more the mean time... I have Russian Shot vodka

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I'm gonna stop this right now... I'm over it.
I cleansed the system...

Remind me of this the next time you see me whine on here.

Friday, May 16, 2008


for swooping in like the cavalry right as I was ending my post and saving my ass from the mean reds

i love you, stephen...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

...well, maybe more like the Not Nice Pinks.

I'm not AS bad as a Mean Reds day... but it's threatening.

which sucks 'cause I'm not even hung over. Generally I get this when I've drunk too much and the alcohol counteracts my meds. I'd at least have liked to enjoy a good night drinking!

There's a lot of things coming into play here that I think are causing it:
- PMS(... yes.. it does affect me)
- I'm touch deprived... OH so touch deprived
- I'm homesick
- I'm soulsick
- The living situation

Today I managed not to pick a fight with my mom. YAY! I was so close too... but I decided I'd just shut up instead of reacting... The topic of discussion: 1) Hourly vs. Yearly wage AND 2)That more women are leaving their husbands these days (after asking me how Da5id's doing... which was a bad day to ask). The former was because she asked me how much I used to make an hour and I told her that I didn't know but I knew what I made a year. She called me dumb and said no wonder I was taken advantage of (she likes to hit below the belt). I told her that perhaps a judge would have pity for this dumb girl, then. After that I let her rant and continued eating dinner.

The latter came about as I was letting her use my laptop to look at my sister's wedding pictures. She wondered aloud if the groom had told the bride how he thought she looked in her wedding dress. She went on to say that it's a pity that men forgot how they first felt about their wives when they first met them and how they should be reminded about that. I just let her keep talking. Then she went on to say that she read an article stating that more women (as opposed to the usual suspect, the man, I guess) these days were having affairs because they are tired of being taken for granted.
and I wonder where I get my complexes from!

I let that one go as well.

Unfortunately, these saintly acts were overshadowed by the fact that I picked a fight with the boyo. I decided to blow up on him instead (oddly, however, long before my mother's conversation with me). That one had to do with emotional communication... oddly.

It's not just him, though. I found that today I was upset to see my inbox so empty. I feel like I'm having a one sided conversation with my friends. Generally, I post on here so I can hit everyone at once... but perhaps these musings are better left to email... personal. Although, that doesn't always work... which is why I got mad at the boyo...

I miss conversation...I miss people... I miss the people I had long conversations with over dinner and/ or drinks. Thank God Stephen calls me at night to see how I'm doing! Matt's called a couple of times, too... and that's helped. Still! I feel like I'm not even really here in my hometown.

A lot of it has to do with the situation, that being that I don't have a lot of money and that I'm moving to Portland.. at some point in the ... distant? near? future. Technically, everyone prepared for me to leave in April... and perhaps to most I'm already gone in a sense.

I have this DEEP desire to RUN away... to buy a ticket tomorrow and leave for PDX. (yes, I looked and the cheapest ticket leaves Saturday and would cost me $225) The idea of having my life back makes the blood race through my veins. The idea of a new city to explore, and to explore it with Da5id, makes my heart do flips. The weather! The weather itself makes me yearn to be there. It's so close it drives me MAD!

This year my birthday, which I usually make a big deal about, will be understated. I hinted at a gathering on Saturday to my mom but she didn't take the bait. Liz's is gonna try to see about having dinner on Monday... but other than that... nothing. No party can be had, no Gay Pride weekend in Long Beach, no 9am Margaritas. I'm not sure if this is me being selfish or childish... but it makes me very sad. No Da5id either. Of course, with the way things are going there... I'll be lucky if a I get an ecard from him.

OK... this is getting to be too much... I'm gonna stop this before the Mean Reds role in... as they seem to be doing.

What if ...??

my first thought is a question...
does anyone really like they way the look all the time??
I mean sometimes I like the way I look... but others... not so much.
Right now I'm of the latter opinion.

I think I just need a haircut... and new clothes hahahaha

I was thinking about my upcoming birthday and how lately it seems like I'm going on 15 not 32. Last night I had a revolution, as Dylan would say. That's right! I waged war on myself... as well as had a revelation ... one can do that you know.

I’ve been thinking about my complaints of living here at the parents’ house. It’s true… they treat me like I’m 15. I have to let them know where I’m going (of course, that’s also just out of courtesy) and I think about where I go and what I tell them I’m doing. I mean… I’ve not done anything bad… but I can see that I edit for content. I’m not sure why and the only thing that I can think of is that it’s habit. Well, there are times that it’s called for. For example, once I told my mom where I was going and mentioned that Clark would be there and she let me know that she didn’t think it I should be hanging out with Ex-boyfriends when my husband is so far away. I’m serious, she said that.

Other times I think about where it’s coming from vs. what they are saying and I find that I do it out of deference to them… and then complain about how I hate being treated like I’m 15.

Wait wait wait… I just happened to glance over at the weather widget and it’s supposed to be 100˚F on Friday! Oy to the VEY!


It seems that a lot of what’s going on… might … and I do means might as… well, I’m still gonna take this line of thinking with a grain of salt… might just be something I’m perpetuating.
It seems that with parents, and I’ve seen this with a coupe of people, we sort of get stuck in a routine… or even an idea of them, albeit an old one. I suppose that they, too, see us, their children in much the same way. We focus on how that person “is” and never see the change… or even try to change.

I think… I think that my parents’ view of me is being perpetuated by…me!

I might be somewhat wrong… but it’s worth looking into … and, as I was discussing with Dora, I can see when I let them do it. I mean… if they say something that I don’t like, I don’t have to fly of the handle, even if it’s what I was expecting… actually, especially since it’s what I was expecting.

They try to push those buttons and because the buttons are so used to it, the buttons get pushed! It’s an instant reaction, and it’s something that I can see that I may have control over. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before.

I mean, yes, I’d love for them to react differently, but if they don’t… that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to. I don’t have to agree with them… I just have to not let them get to me.

I think the test here is to see if I can actually do it. There’s such a deeply ingrained prejudice that I react almost instantly, at the merest hint of a word.

Perhaps… well, maybe perhaps I’m not a prisoner of them after all, but a prisoner of myself. That is something I cannot runaway from… and will have to fix all on my own. Without it, what good will moving do if I still let them control me?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

First and foremost, a very happy birthday to my dearest Amander! Her birthday is the 13th, although technically I'm posting on the 14th. As I've not gone to bed yet, it is still the 13th here in my world.

SO to keep me company, Da5id left Eddie the travel monkey. He's keeping me company along with the little guy we got from a neat little shop that sells vinyl toys (think Kid Robot or Alpha Cult) we found in London right around the corner from Barnaby Street.

They make me smile and think of "home." There's no real "home" yet, all I know is that it's where Da5id is... and we're locating that to Portland.

"Home" is full of toys... our toys... lots of things we bought at Alpha Cult, along with stuff we found along the way. It has our "Art"... Da5id's "Industrial Finger paint" as he calls them, a portrait of me by Clark, our print (also obtained from Alpha Cult that I posted about in an entry around Christmas '06 in my LJ) and various Anime Cel collection(by the way, if anyone wants to know what to get me... try this if you can get some people to pitch in). It has my favorite books, including my currently much needed tome of the complete Calvin and Hobbes. It has... my soul... our soul. "Home" is where I can hold court from my bed, where I can entertain, myself... myself and Da5id ...or friends 'til 4am... or 5, where I can break down in the shower/bath so that it all feels better, ...but mostly where I can feel safe with Da5id.

The "home" concept doesn't so much make me sad... as anxious... in that "can't wait to get..." sort of way. My birthday being next Monday, "home" is someplace I'd like to be for that (although, because I'm here, I get to see the Dresden Dolls thanks to Chloe). I think of "home" and I think of all sorts of things that I can't wait to see... like friends (miss you, Kat)... and what our place will look like... once we get one.


What an amazing thing.

There's something about having cleared the hurdle of last Thursday (another Fiasco thing) that makes the end of the tunnel visible. I'm not sure how far it is, but I can see it and a few things have happened that have become my "lights." For example, the money issue is not a matter anymore, there's an office for the agency I work for in PDX, and... well, that's good enough.

I leave you with this:

Bill Murray has slammed accusations he is difficult to work with, insisting he only clashes with "obnoxious people". The actor has little time for those who lack consideration for others. Murray says, "If it keeps obnoxious people away, that's fine. It makes me think of that line you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. People say this to you with a straight face, and I always say, 'Who. Wants. Flies?' "

I love Bill Murray.


my internet was down last night...
well, that is to say that the wireless I generally "obtain" in my room wasn't quite catching, so I couldn't post...

just an update... and I'll have more later once I a)shower and b)have dinner


Sunday, May 11, 2008

You are here

I'm supposed to be sleeping...

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep in the past week, so I'm supposed to be sleeping.

I've got this bug in my brain that's not allowing me to sleep without leaving one of the 3 posts that I've got for this little blog of mine. That and I've a story idea that won't leave me alone.

If I don't watch it, I'll be writing all night...

The other thing that's driving me nuts is... how to make $20,000... soon... and once I get something in my head, well, I tend to think about it obsessively. It's like... if I just look hard enough, I'll find the answer.

I suffer from depression. Hmmm.... sometimes I don't see it as suffering, sometimes I see it as I'm blessed with depression. However, then you really start getting more into the crazy and less of the depression. I've a theory that the crazy, which brings on some REALLY bad depression, is worth it because it allows me to be me - it's what makes me truly live life. Without the crazy, I wouldn't see things so vividly and I wouldn't feel things so strongly and I wouldn't hear music as keenly.

When they started me on anti-depressants a little over 3 years ago, I was afraid to go on them because I didn't want to stop seeing the world the way I saw it. I also thought that I should be able to handle this on my own, shouldn't need a pill to make it better. The problem was that the depression part was out of hand and I needed to do something about it before it engulfed me and I became it... before I lost the beauty and saw only the heart-breaking. I've been through 3 ...4? different meds and I finally feel that I'm on the right one. It was a struggle and it took a lot of persuading from Leigh and Da5id, but here I am... a lot happier for it.


How can I put this?

Currently, the pills that were working so well aren't working. In part, I'm sure, because of the fiasco, but also because I have to stay at my parents' house. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for their support and help, but we don't see life the same way... and my mom REALLY doesn't like that I'm on anti-depressants.

Today's arguement...s... were:
1) I shouldn't go many places because it's wasteful of my gas and since I have limited money, I shouldn't waste it. This one was my dad...
2) my clothes... I packed for winter in Europe, and I'm in Southern California where it's basically summer. Not to mention that because I've been wearing the same suitcase-full of clothes for the past 3 months, they're starting to show the wear and tear of that... and the colors are fading from all the washing. My mother makes it sound like I have a choice to wear anything else... everyday it's "You're going to wear that?!" followed by "But it's too hot outside!" or, "but it's so faded!" I don't know what she expects me to do about it
3) The anti-depressants are, in my mother's opinion, making it worse. If I stop taking them I should get better - that's her theory. Part of me would LOVE to stop them for a while to show her... but I remembered the last time I was off of them and, especially with everything going on right now, I'm frightened as to how bad it would be.

If I could just get some more money, I could fix this fiasco sooner, not have to rely on my parents and most likely move to Portland to do what I was supposed to do at the beginning of April.

The dilemma is this: I'm sure this is all going on for a reason... and part of that reason is that I put myself here. SO! I need to find out what I'm supposed to get out of this and learn from my mistakes in the hopes of coming out of this as a better me. Therefore, I cannot try to find a quick fix for this. However, the arguments are making it so that the Welbutrin is not a strong enough dose to battle all the emotions raging inside me and the more frequent fits of depression that I've been prone to lately.

I'm afraid that I'm being whittled down... that my sanity is being put to a HUGE test... and that, come July, I may have fallen off the deep end. I'm not sure how to view this, not sure what I'm supposed to do. It feels like my head will explode when I'm in the middle of it all... and then, hours later, like it is now, I feel like I just have to learn how to not let it get to me.

I wish I knew which it was... I wish I knew that I was actually making progress here instead of just... getting worse. I hate thinking that I won't be able to get through this well if I have to continue to live with my parents because it's not thinking positively. It's so hard, though... it's so hard when... it's more than just what you see here in print. I cannot describe how the words are said... or how severely depressed my mother is and how half the things she says are negative making this a really bad atmosphere to be in. It's difficult also because she doesn't see it... she will always be the victim and anyone who has anything bad to say to her is trying to hurt her and therefore the bad guy.

I hate the fact that it always comes down to money. I have to learn to not let it come down to money because there are ways around things without it. Yet, I have to figure out how to deal with my mother's sort of crazy without letting it affect my crazy.

I don't want to be a bad crazy... I just want to be able to see the good again... the vibrant, the passion, the more! Instead I get weaker and stop myself from progressing... I give into the feelings that my mother produces in me, which makes me despise my crazy instead of love it. I worry that, maybe one day, I'll be as bad as my far gone that I'll be a shell of who I was... making life hard to bear for those around me and even harder for myself.

I am here... this is where I find myself - emotionally, physically and literally.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh... and....

New Fischerspooner!

Check out Danse En France... just click on the post title.

Today's musings

So I'm currently working through a temp agency and my current assignment finds me at a bank processing checks. I know...boring stuff... and if I was up too late the night before (usually posting on here or tracking down music or writing) I have been known to want to shoot myself.. or at least find a way to keep my head from plopping onto the keyboard. However!... however, I do love that it's easy and it pays pretty decently. I generally do my job and leave it and that, to me, is a big plus.

Here's what I love about what I'm doing - finding all the shit that people write on their checks or on notes with their checks, or even just looking at their checks!

Yesterday I got one of those little Christian comics, you know the one that had a whole thing on damning harry potter and quoting the bible ...and if you've never seen one... well... I'd say consider yourself lucky but for the fact that you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit. Someone put one of those in an envelope with their payment. *sigh* Really?! yeah ok...

Moving on...

I love it that people write notes about their late fees. My favorite logic is this:
"I did not pay the late fee for not paying last month's amount (included in May's check) because I never received a payment letter for it."
so basically... you're saying that the payment that you pay each month... couldn't possibly have been late because they forgot to tell you how to pay for it.
Even though it's the same address that you send it to... and if you're writing this sort of note you probably have the old stubs filed away somewhere, allowing you to either call the agency or bank or at least have an address to send the payment to...
and, that... it couldn't possibly be your fault that you didn't send it in because you weren't reminded to do so... therefore, the late fee should not be added because ... well.. it's not your job to remember... and how could you possibly pay it without a payment stub?!
I'm just saying...

Today's favorite check was one of these:

To be more specific... the Gene Simmons one.
Yes, ladies and jelly spoons, those are Kiss checks. I had NO idea they existed. Now... my life is complete... (ok no, not really).
KISS CHECKS!? WTF?! really??? really. Really?!
I bet if there were New Kids on the Block checks, Liz would get them, wouldn't you Liz?
Kiss freakin' checks. I about died... it made me giggle.

So today's weekly horoscope from FreeWill astrology says:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Alison Covarrubias is a mentor for female entrepreneurs. Her "Ladies Who Launch" *side not from me for Liz... maybe you should get this?* program inspires women to be brave and brazen as they develop their own businesses. One of Covarrubias's prime pieces of advice: "If you don't feel like you're going to throw up, you're not taking enough risks." That's also my message for you, Taurus. In the name of smart gambles and tricky success, I dare you to push yourself way out of the comfort zone.

Well, I must be taking a SHITLOAD of risks 'cause not one moment passes when I don't feel nauseas. Ok, well... that's part of the reason why I want to up'n'chuck away... but I do know that I'm just letting it all go... out to the universe and letting it be what it will be. So, yeah... that also makes the control freak in me want to throw up...
In the meantime I write nice little neurotic posts to keep me sane.

and finally... because I have to end this or I again will fall asleep at work tomorrow...and here's why...
I got the new Stephenie Meyer book!
I know! I know! I'm a huge dork... but I do so love the Twilight series... and I'm curious as to how her first adult fiction book will be. So I bought The Host today. Now... I'm gonna go read it!

What can I say? I love my guilty pleasures... and candy literature...
I am NOT ashamed...
*ducks under the covers to read*

Monday, May 5, 2008

I've been paying more attention to my music these days because it does make me happy. That is to say, I always forget that music is my lexapro... or paxil... or welbutrin... or whatever you're on. (personally, I'm digging the welbutrin... doesn't make me blissed-out like the paxil and it doesn't keep me caged in like the lexapro.) It helps boost my happy, it helps me create, it keeps me sane... "it's like breathing... like a heartbeat."

So I turned my livejournal into a place where I post the music I'm enthralled by at this moment... to share with my friends... and people who might happen to pop in. There's a link at the bottom of this here blog to it if you want to check it out. Also, I'm highly loving the Big Sonic Heaven on Indie 103 (yeah yeah yeah... I love 'em... what can I say. They give me hope for radio again) from 10pm to midnight Monday - Thursday. No, they aren't paying me... I'm just passing along the love.

Sorry... I'm on a serious music kick which is why I cannot stop talking about it... it's like... rediscovering myself.

Ok so since the beginning of this whole fiasco, I've been in transition(for the fiasco story, you're just gonna have to wait... I think I can say that I'm clearing up some legal issues. Yeah...other than that I can't talk about it now). I've now been at my parents' house for about...3 weeks? 4 at the most. Have I unpacked??


I think it's my refusal to believe that this is even semi-permanent. However, the mess in the room and having to keep digging through a North Face bag proves to be a hair-pulling experience. I've become their upstairs tenant... I'm like Monroe in Too Close for Comfort (or was he downstairs?), or their new roommate if you will.

I should really unpack, shouldn't I?

So here are the thoughts on unpacking....

Isn't it funny how one becomes superstitious about the littlest thing?? Like, not only am I not supposed to talk about "the fiasco," but I'm afraid that if I do... I'll jinx it... like... something even worse will happen... or worst of all, it will ensure that the worst outcome will occur.


...and that's really all I'm going to say on that. *nudges it away with a ten foot pole* Don't know what'll happen with the little I've just said...

Back to the unpacking bit...

This puts me of 2 minds as to whether or not I should unpack. First of all, if I unpack, it might make things go slower because I've set my stuff in a more permanent place.

or... maybe once I unpack, the exact opposite will happen and this will mean that I'll be on my way sooner.

I'm weird about superstitions... and some of them I make up as I go. I cannot seem to persuade myself that if I had done B rather than A, an opposite reaction would have occurred (a reaction independent of what I do). For example, if I hadn't looked out for the car, the car would be here by now. Makes no sense, right? I mean, we all know that what I do cannot effect a car that I'm awaiting to arrive. Yet I cannot seem to get that through my head...

you know, the surest sign of insanity... never mind.

So every day I govern myself by these superstitious rules that I just made up and hope that I chose properly. In fact, the things that I've chosen that have resulted in bad news coming my way... I don't do again. I know I know... whether I wear a certain shirt a certain way or not doesn't have anything to do with bad or good news.
but just in case!

err... now to figure out how drastically my life would change if I unpacked... or not.

ok so it's not quite 3am...
but I do so love Meg Lee Chin

again I wonder... what happened to the kick-ass chicks???
I'll tell you what happened... Meredith Brooks is what happened... and others like her. I mean...once the record labels were trying to force that shit down our throats, well the kickass chick became a joke and an over-done character. Then, all the real kickass chicks that I loved so much went away because the record labels no longer thought them viable.
I'm sure there are some out there somewhere...

Today was one of those days when I wonder, "How am I going to make it through this?"

That is to say... how am I supposed to get through my little exile in a sane state? Largely due to living at the 'rents house as well as being many miles from Da5id. I've done that before (lived miles away from Da5id, that is) so I think that's not so bad... but he does keep me sane. My mother, on the other hand... is driving me nuts.

Lastly, I wonder... how does a band disappear off the face of the earth??? My friend, Duckie, once had a CD that I borrowed for the longest time by a band called Here. I believe it was on Invisible Records. I've looked high and low for it and I cannot find ANY mention of it. Even when I go to the Lydia Lunch page... nothing... and I know she did something on it. I also believe one of the guys ( the guy??) from Forma Tadre was part of it. Nothing. I got ...nothing!


please give me the patience to survive this ordeal...mainly, to not let my mother drive me crazy

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I was only dreaming

I can dream can't I?

I sing myself to sleep thinking... dreaming... that the world is listening to me. I imagine them lying down and thinking about their day, their decisions and hopefully trying to find peace in it all. I sing and imagine that everything is resting... getting ready for rest... and calming themselves. I think about all that's going on out there and I envision it stopping...

People reflect on their actions, put down their tools, sit for a while and take it all in - all things that I like to imagine people are doing as I try to do this myself.

It's hot here in California and my parents have the air conditioning going. I've a fan hitting me directly because I'm upstairs and, since heat rises, it's always hot up here. I find a peacefulness at 1 in the morning... with the fan... with the dark save for the light coming from Eddie the Shipboard computer (that's my macbook's name)... and a candle, always a candle.

Aside from the singing, I find it peaceful here because I imagine myself putting my thoughts to rest. It's true, I think too much and that's generally why one can find me up to the wee hours of the morning, writing and listening to music. It's my way of calming my fears, of making good out of all the bad things from the day.

It's funny because it used to be the day that would bring me relief from the terrors I saw in the night. Now, now the day is only a time when I try best to live using what I've learned at night... knowing that I'll always be able to take comfort once the night comes around again.

I imagine myself putting my thoughts to rest, and explaining away my worries... or just accepting them. I think that it's a time when I can recoup and be the most me.

I like the idea that everyone is doing this with me... that people are given a time when they think about their actions and hope that, with tomorrow, a new chance to make a different choice will come.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Love is all we have

I had a post... longer.. that I was going to put up here... but right now, I'm emotionally spent...and I'm supposed to work tomorrow at a temp assignment.

Besides... All I've been doing is staring at my wedding pictures as I listen to my Jesca Hoop CD over and over and sing along because the melodies.. and singing along to the different parts makes me feel happy and calm... like singing myself to sleep

Love me now
Love is all we have

Love me now

Love is all we ever really had

I'll post it tomorrow... right now... I'm going to float off to sleep

'night all