Reconciling Saints

I remembered how to breath the other day.

I was worried about getting a call back for an interview, doubting myself and my abilities. My head was going negative about what I can or cannot do, and then... I didn't care. I stopped worrying and I started breathing. With every breath I put it all out there to the universe, just laid it all out. I will or I won't get a call back, I might get hired full time at the current position or I might not. Breathe in, breathe out.

I stopped caring. Not in a negative. I just... let go... and I felt calmer, I felt ok.

Then you know what happened? I got another call saying that they were going to be scheduling appts. for next week and I should get a call back then.

See? It's ok to let go, it's ok to surrender and just breathe. Life is easy... it's like a heart beat... it's like breathing. The trick, as Ms. Shirley Manson said, is to keep breathing. Just live.

Life is good in the in- betweens of what we worry about and what we want. Sometimes we forget to live it because we're too busy worrying or wanting. This is it folks, so do it. There's no later... just now. *shrugs*

So I leave you with the words of the late great, albeit stupid, Jim Hanson:
"Life's like a movie
Write your own ending
Keep believing
Keep pretending
We did just what we set out to do..."

Tracy pointed out that, for being so happy with me these days, I don't look so happy in the pic. That had a lot to do with the fact that Itook many with me smiling, but they all came out blurry. As a result. the last one taken had a frustrated-with-taking-pictures-and-tired-of-fake-smiling look. So here's a new one.


ANYWAY!

Here's some stuff that Nikki found when she was "stumbling" along on the internet. I helped! Well, I was stumbling along with her as I sat by.

First there's Irina Werning's page . She does what she's titled "Back to the Future" where she takes old photos from when the person's younger and has them duplicate the pose as they are now. Awesome!

Then there's this jpg we found:
Double awesome.

I was looking in the mirror today and thought... "Wow! I've changed!" Not in a bad way, mind you, just in a "time marches on" sorter sense I guess. So I've decided to do a little "Ceci Throughout the Years" post here and put up some pictures.

Currently, I'm quite happy with the me of now. I like the way I look and feel. In fact, I feel like I'm the very me I've always wanted to be. My hair is short and, in my opinion, looks cute. I've tattoos and piercings I've always wanted to get. I'm in total control of being and looking like the Ceci I've always thought would be a perfect... Ceci!

I'm also in awe of the fact that I feel small. I'm not small, per se... but I'm the smallest I've been since high school and I actually feel small. I even feel small with Stephen, which, can be difficult when he's so thin, and yet I do... I feel small.

Any way... here's Ceci: now and then.





Today


A couple months ago


2009


2008


2007


2007

2004 - 2006... something like that...

Here's where I am.

Now that the work schedule has calmed down and I'm back to 8 hours a day, it seems that depression is rearing it's ugly head. The swinging door of bipolar, folks, has swung that-a-way. I'm trying hard to fight it, but it's worst when trying to get out of bed.

Let's take an overall view of she.

I'm working at amazon.com making "eh" money that's just paying the bills and buying essentials. That's ok for now. My allergies are bad off due to said job as I work in a rather dusty environment and the eyes HATE IT, especially given the fact that of my arsenal of 4 allergy meds I usually take, I can only get my hands on one of them. I'm taking many steps to combat the allergies in lieu of medication such as constantly cleaning and being careful with how long my contacts are in, lots of washing of clothing and things I come in contact with, etc. So far the allergies are winning.

I've broken my glasses, which doesn't help with the allergy issue because this means that I have to wear contacts, which exacerbate the affect of the allergies on my eyes. Feh! See above on what I'm doing about that.

HOWEVER! ... However, I'm still fighting and I'm still, for the most part, happy.

I know that creativity helps and is also a great way to channel my depression. Tracy likes to remind me of this when I talk about it. Last night Stephen and I decided to collaborate on a longtime idea he's had to make a zine combining my lyrics with his stories, working on the layout of it, etc. That's project one to work on. I'm also working on a story or two for a contest I keep wanting to enter for the Bridport Prize. Today I started outlining a story idea for that and I'm also trying to think of another just 'cause.

This leaves me feeling more accomplished which is why currently you are getting an update that's more positive than negative. Mind you, it also helps when I make a sort of "list" like this so that I can take note of the positive vs. the negative.

If anyone wants to work on anything, would like a story or to collaborate on something with me, let me know!(Krist, I've noticed your blog URL on my wall on FB and I haven't peaked yet, but it made me think of our efforts before and if you need any contributions for anything you might be working on, email/ call/ message me.)

I have more tattoos than I used to and I like that. Stephen and I are working more of them. Honestly, I've always liked/ wanted them, but just couldn't do them before money wise and there's always the "What should my first tattoo be?" hill that one has to get over. Now, the game is ON!

When I moved here I weighed about 160-165. Currently I'm tipping the scales at 140-145 which is even less than what I thought was my "feel right in my own skin" weight. At first I was worried, but I've come to realize that this IS me. I feel absolutely me in my skin and hair and age and..... everything. I think this is great, as, honestly... I don't think I've ever felt better as me in my life.

I like Ceci... no... I love Ceci! I really think I've got something here.

Lastly, but never least, Stephen. Things are great. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. We seem to know how to offset the other's bad times, we communicate and we come up with alllll sorts of amusing things to do with little money... even if it's just stay at home and have sex! Honestly, I think he helps me be the best me I can be... and the proof is all that I feel, say, write and do.

"Like hell we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home "
Burn
~Alkaline Trio~

I know this comes from out of the blue for some... most? of you. I've tried not to bitch too much on here, minus a few slip ups. I know that some of you are still friends with the boy now known as Five. I'm trying to be, except he seems to be having none of it... or at least it feels that way.

I left. I ran from PDX. I knew it was time to go and although I know that it looked as though I left just to be with Stephen, that was not my only reason. I left because heartache awaited me had I stayed.

First off, I had given a part of me to Stephen... more than I had thought I would. Without him and with my tie to Da5id getting weaker and weaker by the day, I felt lost and empty. My marriage was over and I hadn't realized it. I had fallen in love with one of my best friends and he was halfway across the country. Things were messy, to say the least. I can survive on my own but I would not have done so well nor gracefully had I stayed.

I loved Da5id. Loved him more than people will know. Still love him. 10 years does not erase but does change how that works/ worked. Does it hurt still? Do I still fret, think about him and does the whole thing still plague my dreams? Yes.

Where my relationship with Da5id has degraded to has gotten to the point where I don't trust him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in feeling as I do; no meds and no therapy make it hard for me to feel justified in my reactions. I guess that can be both good and bad. I have a hard time with trusting myself when I know that the BPD is not exactly in check.

Yesterday it all hit me. Everything I've known until now is gone. California, bits of Portland, my family... gone. They're all mixed up with memories of Da5id, a life we had made in 10 years' time. All gone. Friends, too. Dylan told me that part of the reason he dropped me had to do with him. Now Da5id's gone and so are the friends.
...

Everything I had worked for and built is gone. Think about that. It's mind boggling.

I'm still here, though. Perhaps even to the annoyance of some.

I'm fine. I'm great, even. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life, I feel utterly and totally free, for once. I could die tomorrow and be happy.

This does not mean that I won't feel the full force of what's happened and everything that's gone... and yesterday, that's exactly what happened.

My husband fell out of love with me a while ago. I put a stop to being the faux primary and ended an ending or already dead relationship that was really affecting me. An explanation was necessary to you, in my opinion.

Life is excellent. Stephen and I are awesome. I regained a partner in crime. My heart still broke down fully yesterday to mourn that which was... and it was a lifetime's worth. Leaving was the hardest easiest thing I've done because I left everything. Just remember that when you think that you don't understand what happened.

I'm forever. Life, however, changes.

This year I decided to do it again.

November is National Novel Writing Month and some of us crazies sign up here and challenge ourselves to write at least 50,000 words/ 175 pages by midnight on the 30th of November. I tried this in 2008 and succeeded (yay!) so I thought I'd try it again. Hopefully this time I'll take that challenge to do more than just hit my word mark.

My friend, Chloé is also participating this year and I wish her the best of luck!

:D

This is Fall as I'm experiencing it in my hood...







I think it's pretty cool. I've never had a fall like this and the world keeps throwing new things at me. I adore it.

This... is what I call living my life and I wouldn't trade it with anyone for the world.

My related family, that is.

I love you. You drive me crazy. Well, crazier.. and not in a good way. This makes me not quite love you and that is why I cannot live around you/ have a hard time contacting you.

Accept me or don't, I'm still me and I can't change that. I'm beautiful, talented, strong, brilliant, creative and yes, I am crazy.

Now, if you don't mind... or even if you do... I'm going to go live my life.

Love with all my heart,

Ceci

I ADORE ADORE fall!!!

Today was a little muggy at times, but it was rainy and there was thunder. On the way back to the house, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw the leaves falling and the piles of the yellow and orange leaves strewn at the side of the road.

AWESOME!

Fall has always been a time of change for me. It seems that there's always something major that changes in my life right about now. Sometimes it's pretty fucking hard, scary or a combo of the two. However, it's always amazing and it always makes me... better? enhanced?... something like that.

So here's fall. I find that I'm still in the "not sure what's going on with my job hunt" and that life is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY different. Weird. Good weird.

I have a gig starting at Amazon.com (thanks for the tip, Anne!) in the next week or 2. I have orientation this Wednesday and then they're supposed to let me know what they need me for shift wise. Lots of running around and 4 10-hour days which means... 3 day weekends !!!!! Most importantly it means that I'll get a paycheck.

SO! Life, bring it!

Life, my friends, is weird.

I know, I know... I say that all the time. Here's the thing... it's true!

On Saturday I got upset because the boy that I'm, well, married to, was giving me a hard time about paying my bills. I don't want to get into a he said she said here, and I know some of you are still friends so I'll leave it at that. Needless to say, he pissed me off and yes, there was a good reason for it.

Weird #1:
10 years with one boy... 10 years with a million ups and downs, love and admiration, a move and a wedding. Open relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that, really. I have a "problem" with not being able to, errr, restrain myself. I don't see that as a problem, but many do, so I brought it up.

Now, who knows exactly when everything changed or exactly why, but it did. He's not the guy I knew and either I'm not the girl he knew or I didn't change. Whatever it was, things changed and our run as partners had ended.

Sad? Yes. Very, in my opinion. I understand, through our therapy sessions, that it happens. People change. We, as our therapist said, should not think of it as a failure, but instead we should understand that we had a good run; change does not make it a failure.

Now, he's phasing me out. His point of view is that I phased myself out since I moved. Is he right? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's sad to me, to think that someone I was so close to, loved so much for 10 years, is gone. It seems, and again I could be wrong, but it seems that it's easy for him to let go or at least think that not being part of my life is the way it should be.

I don't understand this and so for me it's weird. I don't understand not knowing, not having in my life, someone that was such a part of it for so long. Had I stayed, would he have done the same thing? Would I be in Portland wondering why he's phasing me out while I was still there and we hung out with the same friends? I truly believe that if I had stayed, I would have been worse off than I am now in sanity and depression. It would have been difficult to see him hanging out with others if he wasn't a regular part of my life, even if it wasn't in the same way we were. I have a feeling he'd have done so anyway.

Having Stephen so far away would have been extremely difficult. I can't rationalize in my head how I went from one to the other, I just know that I knew when I called it off that it had been done for a while and we just hadn't seen it that way. What about when Mae returned? What of our relationship then? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Weird #2:
I had a good job that paid well, friends I loved and a city I adored. I left it. I already realized this and knew what I was doing when I left it. However, it sunk in a little more on Saturday, probably because I now have to give up insurance since I don't have the money to keep up with it. Why, I asked myself, did I leave? I thought of everything I had and what I was able to do. All my clothes were generally not cheap, the products I bought the shoes I loved were not inexpensive. I left this for a life where I didn't know what I would be able to do, didn't know how I'd be living.
...
I could see why people thought I was crazy for leaving, especially so suddenly.

The thing is, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I knew that staying in Portland was not only prolonging what I wanted to do but would make me miserable. Don't misunderstand me, it's not like I hated it and didn't have friends who turned into family and a good job I liked. I would be miserable because of 2 very good reasons: the death throws of my marriage and not being with Stephen.

My marriage was done, I knew that. We had changed and had been arguing for quite some time before I came to Lexington for a visit and fell in love with one of my best friends, Stephen. When I went back I was miserable not so much because I wasn't near Stephen, but because my marriage was still a mess. The couples therapy didn't help and Da5id's want to be with Mae also didn't help. I know I let him be with her, but I let him because I didn't want to have to ask him to stay. He would be staying because I asked him and not because he wanted to be there. That I thought that was a point of arguement with Da5id as he thought that my asking him should be enough. I just... didn't and still don't agree with that. I knew then that it was over and I knew what I had to do. I knew that the death throws had started a while back, as was quite evident from the nonstop fights and crying fits. When I called it, I knew this and I accepted it. Then I knew what I had to and wanted to do. Move to Lexington.

A while back I left a good paying job to work at Trader Joe's. The money was a little above minimum wage and the days were odd. Yes, it didn't help my finances and I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I had done so because I hated having a job that I was eh about just because I made good money. I remembered that I had done so because the happiest I was was when I was working at Tower Records for not much money. I'd rather be happy than have a high paying job. Silly? Maybe. Still, it's what I prefer.

I was starting to dislike my job in PDX because it was ok in the makes me happy field and provided me with flexibility and nice people to work with. Still, it wasn't me. No matter what happens here, what sort of job I get, I want to be happy in it and I also want to be able to pay my bills.

I'm still going through the death throws of my 10 year relationship with Da5id. Mostly because it was 10 years and I don't know what our next evolution is, how to still have him in my life as he's been such a big part of it. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret ending it. We are both happier apart, yet I still hold some pain and bitterness that I have to get through from all the things that went on since sometime around January or perhaps earlier.

Stephen... Stephen I adore. We've been friends for so long and understood the crazy parts, our actions and decisions. Being free have the option to love another person and being able to take our relationship to that next level allowed us to progress. I don't see it as leaving Da5id for Stephen because I tried very hard to keep Da5id and me together and make it work. I believed that we could. In the end, we could not.

I'm happy now. Despite the hard times, no job, and having to give up medical insurance, I'm still very happy. Maybe that's because of Stephen and then again maybe not. All I know is that he makes me happy and he makes me feel right and whole... and home.

Weird, that.

While I'm trying to calm down about money and the job search, I'm dreaming. Some of it is thanks to Tracy, kind of along the lines in the way I'm thinking.

I'd love to start doing something that didn't just pay the bills, but that I loved, that allowed me to do any number of things that I love or would love; try out things that I didn't even think of.

If I can get the unemployment from Oregon (touch wood), I would have time to look for the right job that would likely allow me to do something I love and pay a good amount or at least that I like and paid a good amount. In the meantime, I would also have the opportunity to technically get paid to write. I would have free time to work on my writing and see if it can lead to anything. I've always wanted to do this, but how can I when I still need an income? With my inexperience, I cannot get paid to do so, or at least pay enough to make a living with.

I would really love to do more of what it is that I dream of, long for, something that would give me the more I want in my life. I'm not looking for fame, but it would be nice to maintain a living doing that which I love. I sometimes feel like anywhere I move to, any step I take in a different direction, can lead to something more, something that allows me to not just exist, but live.

In my opinion, every move should enable one to get closer or try for what makes life remarkable... or at least push what is remarkable about one's life already.

A girl can dream and this girl does.
A lot.

So!

Remember how I said that my parents took it well???

Yeah... apparently my mom changed her mind. I got a very long talking to from my mother last week that included such statements as:
"You never should have let us spend the money on your wedding if you were going to leave in a couple of years."
"I feel ashamed that you let Da5id's parents spend that much money in thinking you would stay with him."
"Marriage is something you try hard on. If you get in a fight all the time with him, so what? Your dad and I get in fights all the time and we're still married."

Yeah...

Part of me wishes that I had disappeared, had changed my number and never contacted them again! Ah, if only! I, however, have that catholic guilt/ need to love my family. As far as I can tell, and as my therapist had said, they're not always the best thing for me, whether they're family or not.

SO here I am in Lexington, hoping to god that my mom doesn't stick with her threat of coming here to "talk" to me. Seriously, am I 16 years old and are my parents are planning on coming to take me "home?" My parents say that at times like these I need my family around since they are the ones that understand me. REALLY?! Really?? Is that why they never got it when I was actually trying to communicate when I was a teenager???

*clears throat*

Yeah, 34 years old and my parents are still treating me like a teenager.

Moving on!

Life's a mess, but still good. Well, things with Stephen and me are good. Life's... trying; a mess.

Quick rundown:
- I didn't pass the test to get licensed by the state for insurance which means that I can't work at the insurance company managing accounts.
- I'm TOTALLY broke. Completely used up all my resources, as I was SUPPOSED TO BE working by now. Seriously, I don't know WHY I didn't keep looking for jobs in those 3 weeks that I was studying for the exam. You know... that thing about putting all your eggs in one basket and what not.
- Stephen is having legal issues because of that cunt of an ex-wife (and my ex-friend). A lawyer was needed so now we're BOTH tapped out in trying to pay the retainer. Phun!
- My health insurance is usable here BUT I need to pay up front and then my insurance reimburses me. Do they think that I have the time or money to wait 3-4 weeks for them to reimburse me??? Fuckers.

Ok ok... all negative so here's the positive...

...

Oh!
- meeting new friends (Stephen's friends and old acquaintances, really)
- Lots of Stephen time :D
- Hanging out at the shops. I really like most of the people who work at both shops.
- I now have 2 cats. Well, Stephen's of course, but now that I live there, well I help take care of them and I talk to them.
- I like my room and my desk in my room where I play on this here computer, Eddie.
- Drinks are cheap
- When we go to Mia's (a bar), if Mary Beth (the owner) is there, she likes to feed me vodka as she's a vodka lover and an old friend of Stephen's.
- Stephen. PATEOTS.

That's what I got so far. Life is good but trying. Everyone PLEASE try to send good vibes that I get a job and/ or unemployment through Oregon REALLY soon!!

Stephen and Evie Bean

That butterball of a cat named Iggy. I think he's trying to be a rug or something.

Evie Bean and a PBR.

Drunk, smoking and taking pictures. You know, like every Saturday night.

At our friend Mackenzie's work party.

Ok, I promise I'll give a full update as soon as I take a study break. Things went surprisingly well, though.

:D