Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Comics Break

Art by Jillian Tamaki, 
comic "SuperMutant Magic Academy"

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Last Night at the Gibson - Ceci © 2015

So... there is this girl.

She used to see monsters everywhere. She battled everyone she felt was coming at her, coming for her. She gave into her feelings of distrust and anger more often than not.

Even now, she sometimes feels a shard of pain and anger growing and she reaches for it to sustain her. She feeds it so it grows because there's something freeing, something that feels good, about giving into it. The anger, once a spark, starts to blaze through in one quick flash... and the feeling both excites and frightens her.

Maybe it excites her because it makes her feel powerful over what she's dealing with. Maybe it frightens her because it excites her.

Either way, she ends up somewhat startled. Because she enjoys it and because it scares her.

This is new, though. In the end, she just ends up tired... very tired... and lost... and more than a little concerned at the anger and at giving into it. After that... she just feels... worried and rattled apart.

When she sees her symptoms in others, she wants to help but sometimes feels as though she comes across as wrong, as pushy. She wonders if she's projecting.

Other times she feels sure that she sees the symptoms in others and she gets angry that NO ONE IS LISTENING! ... just like they didn't listen before.
She's always had a problem with people not listening to her, not understanding her.

But what if she's right???

But what if she's wrong and is only convinced she's right because she wants to be?

Maybe this is where the anger stems from... anger so strong she feels like feeding it as soon as it sparks, wants to feel that release instead of keeping it in. Wants to make it grow.

She tried meditation.
She tried breathing.

She found that she ends up scared when she tries to let go whilst meditating. There's something scary out there and she's not sure what. Sometimes it feels like she can see answers and for that, it's worth it.

She also learned that she sucks at breathing. She needs to learn to breathe.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Today's Chapter

Today finds me chugging along and reading.

I originally found this book at the library where I work when we got it in a few months ago with the new books. I read some of it then and decided that this was something I needed in my library. It's easy to read since it's in layman's terms and I find that it keeps me mindful of what's up in my head. I recommend it for anyone that would like to learn more, whether newly diagnosed or not.

For me, knowing more/as much as I can about the demons helps me understand and cope with them better. It helps me recognize what is going on and hopefully dealing with it.

Aiken, C., & Phelps, J. (2017). Bipolar, not so much : understanding your mood swings and
           depression. New York : W.W. Norton & Company.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Picture posted on an NPR article from the riots in Vancouver after losing the Stanley Cup. 

Woo! Mental Health issues!

SO... sometimes when the boyo is having a hard time holding the crazy in check and I'm having a hard time with his hard time because I'm also having a hard time holding the crazy in check (follow me?)... I get a little scared in general. Like... like it's all so scary. It's scary because he has his depression issues and demons and I have my bipolar issues and demons. 

See those pictures up there??? Yeah... it's like that. It's both of us hanging on for dear life and recognizing that we have each other... which is comforting and pretty scary. Scary because sometimes neither of us feel like we have the manual and are teetering closer to the edge. 

I find myself getting REALLY close to him at night and holding on VERY tightly. I hold him and I think about what he's going through and all the thoughts racing in my head... and I feel like I'm falling. So I hold on tighter.   

Currently, my heart feels like it's beating 1000x per second. As in, as I type this. I can't think of a song to listen to that will calm it. Everything feels abrasive, like burlap against my skin. 

I mean... it could be the tea but I've only had one cup.  

I'm trying to embrace all the fears knowing that I've got a boyo who sometimes tries to do the same... even when he fails. I don't always embrace them well, mind you, but I try. 

For example, I always have a moment when I think about the book I'm writing and I think, "What the hell am I doing?! I have no business writing this!" For a second there I say, "Nope, not doing that anymore," and I truly convince myself I'm not going to do it. For a second. Then I reach out to embrace it (resisting all the way) and say, "Yes, yes I am because I have to see what happens. I'll never know if I don't do this." 

Still, I feel pretty fucking scared.

This kind of drives me crazy! But I can't spend all my time being scared and anxious even if I am because I HAVE TO to do something about all this. It's daunting, but I have to. This goes for work as well. I focus too much of where it's going/what it'll look like in the future and less on right now and learning... and trying for what I love. 

Maybe it's a bipolar thing. Maybe I have to learn that nothing will ever fully suit because I don't always have control... and that's ok. With bipolar, things change quickly... well, at least with Bipolar I... or maybe just me. I don't know. 

I feel out of the loop with my crazy these days so I bought some books. I'm hoping they help because I'm feeling a bit out of control. 

My current Bipolar read.

So I'm going to read, keep up the running (adding yoga on days I can't), keep up the Tracy therapy/hangouts (is it therapy if you're hanging out with a friend??), embracing everything that scares me, and holding on to Stephen (he's a good cuddler).

Thursday, May 11, 2017

... but it slipped my mind.


So, I've been busy, then not busy... and now I'm just crazy.

That is to say, I've been all over the place in my head... mostly manic but the depression has been hitting deeply. I feel like I might rattle apart most times and others I just can't help but let the world get to me. The people. The government. My friends and family. The world. I am sad for all they go through... I wish I could fix it... I wish they didn't feel that way.

This is how my mind works these days. The world and anyone's suffering makes me sad.

"I fall asleep in my own tears
I cry for the world
for everyone
and I build a boat to float in
I'm floating

I cant recall the last time
I opened my eyes
to see the world as beautiful
and I build a cage to hide in
I'm hiding
I'm trying
To battle the night"

I really don't like being dramatic. It's kind of not my thing... or at least mostly in my head... which sometimes I let slip into my actions. And maybe this is why I can't let it show. Most times I feel like yelling, "I'm falling apart!" but I just can't really see me do that... so I kind of crumple inside.

I've been trying to battle my monsters with what I can. It doesn't always work because, as Tracy pointed out (hi, Tracy) I'm not using all my skills. Like writing on here. Also, talks with her/basically talking about all this.


I think I believe that I can get through it on my own because I have skills. HOWEVER! It has come to my attention (again, thank you, Tracy) that I'm forgetting some crucial skills.

So here I am. Blogging again.

"I stand behind a wall of people and thoughts
Mind controlling
And I hold a sword to guide me
I'm fighting
My way."

I'm in and out of feeling strong enough to do this and feeling like I'm rattling apart... because I can feel it and I almost expect a visible tremor.

In talking to my sister today, I think one source of my problem is fighting myself to do what I want to do. I mean... let's be honest. What I really want to do is write. Currently, I'm afforded the time to write by having part-time jobs. It doesn't make much money, but I have a goodly amount of time to write. I haven't really been doing it, though because there are always a million things that "should" take precedent. I have to get over that and remember that this is top priority. It's one of my jobs. It's important to me.

I. Must. Do. THIS!

So yeah... I battle me. Self-loathing, self-doubting, ... oh and have I mentioned that I don't feel right in my own skin? I feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin... a bigger someone else. I just feel... uncomfortable. And I can't seem to shed it.

Soooo... yeah.
Hopefully a more entertaining post.

Lyrics from Warrior by Aurora