Reconciling Saints

In trying to write the book I'm trying to write (following me?), I keep restarting.

Why?!

Well, it's quite simple and yet not.

The book I want to write is complicated in that I want it to convey truth... errr... emotions? experiences? correctly and well.




The first idea seemed too contrived. The second idea was too planned out and the emotion was sorter... dragged out causing it to be overdramatic. The third was too "afterschool special." So this fourth one... and fifth.... and sixth? are kind of me throwing darts to see what hits.

Is it the idea? Is it the writer? Is it the way I'm trying to tell the story?

Je n'ai aucune idée.

I don't want to force it and I can't seem to proceed any other way because it just doesn't feel right. To plan or not to plan? I've done both including the former in greater or lesser forms and I just can't hit it.

Yep.

This is where I'm currently stuck as I stare at my manuscript on Scrivener.

want to do this with me?
...or even on your own? You know, no pressure.
I went to one of Melissa's "Write Right all Right"s in December and I loved it!

Seriously... you should go if you can!

This morning I realized that I've spending too much time with the boyo. What I mean by that is that I woke up with a slight sore throat and vile, nuclear-green phlegm. MMMM!!

So we've been home bound and I've been staring out the window wishing I could be out and enjoying the snow. That's right! I said out. I would be out there enjoying the crunch sound that the snow made beneath my boots and catching the snow on my tongue.

I don't know if it's just me, but too much time indoors makes me go something something something. That and it really brings out the worst in me.
Like what?
So a little known fact is that I have social anxiety issues. Weird, huh? Me, the one that gets out there and talks to people and tells you EVERYTHING, including the stuff you don't want to know. Yes, I have social anxiety issues, I can even have my therapist fax you a note if you don't believe me. Somehow they're amplified when I spend too much time without much or any interaction.

Yesterday I went to a class given by Melissa Lion called Write Right all Right. The night before I was scared to go. Why!? I don't have an answer for you outside of the fact that it was not something I would normally do and that I wouldn't know the people there. Scary, right?

I went, kids, don't worry, I went.

Know what? It was great! I loved it and I came home inspired. Before I left the class, however, I went up to say "thank you" to Melissa and I felt the anxiety coming on again. I hugged her, I thanked her (it was truly an awesome class!), and then I babbled... and got shaky.

WHY!?

Again, I don't know.
I don't let myself become trapped by these things, but they're there. Sometimes I want to hide and just, not be anyone and not go anywhere. I don't know how to explain it and I wish I knew how to get rid of it. The thing that keeps me going, that makes it not so bad, is that I remember that most people are scared, too. If you're not, please don't tell me (joke!). Seriously, though, we're all human and we all wonder what so-and-so thinks or even how we're coming across. I generally have the over-excited puppy problem sans the pee thing, thank god!

I used to have meds but I stopped taking them when we moved here, as I had no insurance. Oddly, will power and my sickening "I can do anything" attitude have kept me right as rain. This doesn't stop the anxiety from happening, however, it just helps me combat it. I like to think of it as a built-in self-defense mechanism.
So I've a birthday party to go to and having this little chat with you guys has made it ok for me to go out and meet up with the people I know and with the people that I don't know ('cause there's always those there when you're the new kid in town). You'd think it would go away wouldn't you? That's the thing with social anxiety, though, it doesn't - I just have to fight it every step of the way.

*takes a breath*