Reconciling Saints

Dear Dead Husband - 

It's your birthday! So I'll be headed to Pivot and Mirror Twin with the usual suspects, just like we used to. 

If you were one to worry about such things, I'd tell you that I won't drink much. But you never cared because, HEY!, you and I were going out to celebrate as best we could. And BOY could we!

Anyway, I can't because I'm broke so I'm very, VERY limited. Yeah, it's your damn father still. The asshole wants his 25% of the WHOLE VALUE of the house ($36,000), not taking into account the fact that, as 25% owner, he's also responsible for 25% of the mortgage and any upkeep. No... he says that, since I'm living here and take advantage of 100% of the property, I should be paying 100% of the expenses. So now I keep going into the negative until the next check comes or I sell something of yours (sorry).

Please go haunt your dad or something. You know... go full Jacob Marley on his ass. Pleaseandthankyou. 

SO! You funny boy, you. This...THIS is so very like you. 

I posted what I feel is an apropos picture of us as a profile pic on FB today and noticed that you had commented on it 6 years ago when I first shared it. 

Dear Dead Husband, 

Well, you did NOT get better, as I had hoped, and I'm here trying to piece it all together, not to mention trying to stop your father from sucking me dry monetarily. Currently, he's in the lead. 

It's a long story. I'll tell you sometime. 

Tonight, I was finally able to change any profile pictures on social media to something that was just me and not us. That's pretty huge for me! I don't know why I couldn't do so before this, but I couldn't. I guess it just helped me remember the good times and not just the end there. 

But I don't want to talk about the end right now. 

I want to tell you about the progress.

Aside from changing the pictures, I've also started tackling the shows we used to watch that I couldn't catch up on because of where we left off. It shouldn't have been that hard, but it was. The books I could do as there were only a couple series... or was it only one?... that we were waiting on, and it was a solitary pursuit that we only touched on when we were both done. 

Books... 

Speaking of books, I'm reminded of the first night I spent in this house on the day you died. You had a book open to where you left off before you passed, your glasses laid down beside it on the coffee table. I had to ask Tracy to take it away while I went outside to smoke. It was too real, too soon after... a reminder of how quickly you had been there and then gone. I still cry when I think about that day and seeing the book. It still guts me. 

OK! So... ummmm... enough of that. I came here to tell you about my progress, not to tear open the wound. 

I love you. I miss you. But I do understand, and maybe we already knew how this would end. 

Love you. Truly, deeply, madly.

Ceci

I just want you to remember that I'm telling this story from the view point of two days later, so there's a lot interjected that I am able to add now that I know all of it.


Stephen had a psychotic breakdown on Tuesday.

He said he had vivid dreams that felt so real! he could feel the blood pouring down his veins and he wanted to rip them out (or at least that's how he described it to me).

He had been prescribed some antidepressants last Wednesday and started them on Thursday. This is not to say that the fault lies in that of the medication, really; there was a lot more there than we could see. I say this to highlight the fact that he knew he needed something more than how he'd been surviving up until now.

Brandy, I wish I had taken your observations as something bigger and I feel that I should have looked at it as such. Instead, I thought it was just something that would pass, something that I thought could be helped once he settled in; some fleeting byproduct.

I was never more wrong in my life.

Your observations were a sign of what was breaking down, of things to come... and I couldn't see it getting to where it has gotten now.

So, after much talking late Tuesday night, Tracy and I decided that we needed to present him with the option of checking himself in, of having himself committed.

Me? I'm just sort of... thankful? he wanted to try these other options ... and also sort of numb... and shocked... but overall glad that he decided that he didn't want to be where he currently is mentally.

But really... I just want to use all that has brought me to where I am in my life to enable him to get to somewhere better than his "here." I've been there. I've survived this. I believe he can, too.

I believe in him.


And I feel like I'm breaking up
But I wanted to stay.
Headlights on the hillside
Don't take me this way.
I don't want you to hold me
I want you to pray,


'Cause it's bigger than us.

Lyrics and images from White Lies "Bigger Than Us"

I have been having a hard time putting into words how I have been feeling. Hell, I have been having a hard time feeling about how I have been feeling!

This past weekend was the anniversary of a couple of significant things:
1) A year ago today/last night Stephen broke his back - a complete fracture of the T12 vertebra
2) A year ago this past Saturday, I almost moved out.

After dealing too long with his self-destructive downward spiral, I was setting up a plan to move out of our house. I felt I was getting better while Stephen was still reeling from various things - most significantly his divorce... and most astonishingly (to me) his alcoholism. We were aware of the former, but I (and maybe he??) was in denial of the latter. That is, until July 5th when, especially with the 4th of July holiday, it all just came to a head for me.

I can't say exactly what was different this time, just that there was finally something in me that said, yes, he is an alcoholic, yes you are enabling him, and yes you have to do something about it for you. 

So I prepared myself to move out, knowing that I needed my own space for my sanity, especially because I still loved him and didn't want to leave him... just the situation. I also knew that this could very well mean the end of everything. He could easily take it as an act of aggression - an all-out act of war - and continue to do things that would make it so that I had no choice, but to walk away completely. Still, I had finally come to the point that I accepted the possible outcome of my move. So it was with wobbly steps that I went forward, trying to procure a place to stay as part of my first.

That Saturday the 6th he took me to dinner after he finished work, the conversation laying a good foundation for what I thought could make for a reasonable talk the next day. I hoped I could explain that I was moving out and why, without him calling an end to it all together. After dinner, he suggested we stop to see a friend's band play... which is where all the rest happened. Once at the bar, a bike and the boyo down later, we were on the way to the hospital maybe 30 minutes after we had left dinner.

I remember being so angry. I was angry because I didn't know what had happened, didn't know how badly he was hurt, and I was especially angry because, at the moment I was resolved to take action, something like this comes along and happens. What was I supposed to do now?

When I found out that he had completely fractured the T12 vertebra and that he could have been completely paralyzed with one wrong move, I was both horrified with how badly he was injured and thankful that he was still fine. We weren't all clear yet, though - surgery would tell the tale. He needed to get his spine fused, having surgery done where they used rods to fuse the T11 and L1 vertebrae to secure the spine. Depending on how surgery went, would depend on what the future held for him.

I was angry for a week after that, knowing I had to make a decision on whether or not to leave, whether or not I wanted to see if and how things would change, and whether or not I wanted to stick this out with him.

I decided to stay.

It's now a year later and I can tell you that I have been dealing with a bit of the fuzziness of how the accident and decision worked out. There are still reactions in me that come from long-gone actions and ways of being. So much has changed, but a little has stayed the same. Those little things still bring about knee-jerk reactions, so I spent this weekend mostly at home - thinking things out, weighing differences, checking my feelings, and mostly trying to avoid any triggers. It's not always possible, but usually the less I have to deal with, the easier it is for me to work with the triggers instead of reacting to them.

I survived the weekend with little mental discomfort, anxiety, or anguish. In fact, I made it through this weekend feeling like I've learned more about my relationship, especially how much we've both put into it and ourselves to make us work better. It's amazing how sometimes one walks away from something life changing a whole lot stronger, when the outcome could have been so devastating.

When we were in New York last year visiting the lovely Amander, we would meet up with her at the different places she was working around the city. I was truly inspired by my time with Amander, seeing her day to day and meeting her friends/people she works with. I'm incredibly proud of her for going after what she's wanted to do, even when it's a struggle.

Our second night there, we met up with her at Juilliard where she was working on the costumes she designed for a ballet. As we were leaving, Stephen stopped to light his cigarette and Amander looked across the way at Lincoln Center.

"Everyone wants to go from here," she said, pointing at Julliard, "to there."

She stared back across the street at Lincoln Center.

We started walking, Stephen finally looking up from lighting his cigarette.

"Just cross the street," he said, and smiled.

Amander and I looked at him and started laughing. You know what? Yeah, sometimes it is that simple - sometimes you have to look at what you want to do and who you want to be like it's just that simple!

Just cross the street - just do your thing.

I've thought of all sorts of reasons as to why Stephen drank so much - he was still reeling from and dealing with his divorce, he was rebelling and since she wasn't around it fell to me, he was self-medicating for the mental disorder that had yet to be diagnosed and couldn't be diagnosed due to lack of insurance.

Seriously, it's like a death knell, like you're branded, once you're diagnosed.

... but I digress.

Here I am having to deal with the reality that I am dating, I am in love with, an alcoholic. It's really very hard and scary for me. I mean, this is really happening? How did I get here, how did it come to this?

This is really happening.

Women and children first.

Too many details to confess. I was ready to leave in July, I had made my decision.

And then... the accident. Stay... or go now? Would I be that girl that left her boyfriend when he was down and out?
Can you believe she left him when he was recovering from surgery?! He lost the house, his car, his job...

That could have been me. There but for the grace of god go I.
Ummm ... wait...

I no longer cared if that would have been me. I didn't care if people thought I was a bitch for leaving... but I had to make that decision. Maybe despite my better judgement... I stayed.

I am the one who stayed.
We came together because of it, and I have become all of it - ready to unleash the same force as it had, ready to stop travel, ready to divert this flight.

I've finally made peace with the fact that we don't always get answers as to what happened and why. I'm finally ok with that.

But...

... but how will I relearn to go when I've lost my will to? How do I get back there when and if the time is right, before it's too late?

How does one leave after the decision to leave has been extinguished?

* This was a response to a friend's post from earlier today. It's the first time I've really talked about how things are with Stephen, outside of a couple of my close friends here. It's been... refreshing... to talk about it. So I wanted to post it here... because that's what Reconciling Saints is all about, isn't it?


A Reading From the Response of Ceci to the Paige

I have a boy with issues. Well, I’m pretty sure they ALL have issues… hell! WE all have issues… but I've come to see it 2 ways, depending on my mood:
1) You watch everyone parade their icks around and try to pick the least disgusting one
2) You try to see whose icks you can live with and vice versa… and there ALWAYS has to be a vice versa or it doesn't work.

I've never said this before... not here, and definitely not anywhere else, except maybe to my friend Tracy amidst the anonymity that comes from hanging out at a porn store. It's scary because it makes it real. Breathing air into those words by saying them out loud into the air... makes them real.

So my boy with issues doesn't always like to talk about his issues… unless alcohol… and with alcohol… oh BOY the issues! They come fast and heavy and there’s really no talking about them, just creating a soup of them that keeps pouring out of his mouth until he’s almost drowned himself in them… and alcohol.

However, without the alcohol… there’s waiting… and more waiting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now." Until …every once in a long while... yeah, yeah, there’s some talking… really good talking. Times like that, I see the boy that he is and could be… could be all the time. For those times… for that glimpse… I hang on, because I know what he is and I know what he’s capable of… and he’s brilliant, and caring, and scared like me, and just wants to be loved, just like me.

Except… and it’s always except… except he’s mostly waiting… and not getting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now"… and "why do you have to always go and spoil the mood."

When’s enough? When is one so much more than the other, that I can’t hold on anymore?

The boyo has problems. When he drinks too much, he drinks too much. So he kind of doesn’t… until he gets tired of doesn’t-ing and he does… Lather, rinse, repeat.

He does it for me, though, the not drinking. He wants me around, he says, so he doesn't… but sometimes… sometimes the drinking wins. Not so much anymore, but sometimes.

He’s an addict. He replaced heroin with alcohol over 10 years ago… and I don’t know what he’ll replace alcohol with if he needs to, and maybe that’s why he can’t…. or doesn’t… or won’t.

Yes, I have a point, I swear... and here come that point!

I might have to leave one day.

One day, the one he wants most won't be me, and the one he can’t have, might win…  leaving me with lots of love that’s nowhere to go… and too many questions with very little answers.

It sucks!

And where you’re at … it sucks!

I don’t know that I could jump back in… I think I might have to take some me time… and just be. How do you get over someone you love because they don’t love you… because their addiction, per se, lies elsewhere? My heart will be breaking and I will have to learn to be by myself again… and to love me, again… and to remind me that I deserve ALL THE LOVE… just like I deserve ALL THE THINGS! Mostly, I'll have to learn to trust myself with me again... and to love me so much more, that I won't let anyone treat me like that again.

So that’s why I ask… or, not?

I've thought out my exit plan because I have to. Every day, I’m not sure what he’ll choose, and if I’ll have to make the decision that quickly. So I thought about it, drew it up, and practiced in my head. I hope I never have to use it, but I know that I can’t stay like that.

It seems like one would need to learn how to love one’s self again. Loving enough to leave… loving enough to not let one’s heart become so battered. Honestly, no one knows how to love you better than you do, and no one knows what you need better than you do. So perhaps you should date yourself for a while, because you need to learn to trust yourself again with you and trust that you’re not going to let anyone else hurt you... or at least try like hell! Maybe even forgive yourself, while you’re at it. Take yourself to a nice dinner… or a long walk… and listen, listen to what you have to say.

Now this, ladies and gentleman, is how an obituary should read and a funeral should go... well, the remembrance service part, anyway. There is one thing I'd change. As Tracy, Stephen and I have discussed, it's ridiculous to waste money on caskets and plots! Donate me to science... or maybe sell my body to science! I mean... who cares what happens to this shell anyway??? It's only going to decompose and it's not me!

This picture struck me today. I got it from this NPR article.

Sometimes I have to remember that in the midst of all the chaos, I still love you. That's the way it should be, even when the world is falling apart around us... most likely from our own doing.

Life, my friends, is weird.

I know, I know... I say that all the time. Here's the thing... it's true!

On Saturday I got upset because the boy that I'm, well, married to, was giving me a hard time about paying my bills. I don't want to get into a he said she said here, and I know some of you are still friends so I'll leave it at that. Needless to say, he pissed me off and yes, there was a good reason for it.

Weird #1:
10 years with one boy... 10 years with a million ups and downs, love and admiration, a move and a wedding. Open relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that, really. I have a "problem" with not being able to, errr, restrain myself. I don't see that as a problem, but many do, so I brought it up.

Now, who knows exactly when everything changed or exactly why, but it did. He's not the guy I knew and either I'm not the girl he knew or I didn't change. Whatever it was, things changed and our run as partners had ended.

Sad? Yes. Very, in my opinion. I understand, through our therapy sessions, that it happens. People change. We, as our therapist said, should not think of it as a failure, but instead we should understand that we had a good run; change does not make it a failure.

Now, he's phasing me out. His point of view is that I phased myself out since I moved. Is he right? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's sad to me, to think that someone I was so close to, loved so much for 10 years, is gone. It seems, and again I could be wrong, but it seems that it's easy for him to let go or at least think that not being part of my life is the way it should be.

I don't understand this and so for me it's weird. I don't understand not knowing, not having in my life, someone that was such a part of it for so long. Had I stayed, would he have done the same thing? Would I be in Portland wondering why he's phasing me out while I was still there and we hung out with the same friends? I truly believe that if I had stayed, I would have been worse off than I am now in sanity and depression. It would have been difficult to see him hanging out with others if he wasn't a regular part of my life, even if it wasn't in the same way we were. I have a feeling he'd have done so anyway.

Having Stephen so far away would have been extremely difficult. I can't rationalize in my head how I went from one to the other, I just know that I knew when I called it off that it had been done for a while and we just hadn't seen it that way. What about when Mae returned? What of our relationship then? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Weird #2:
I had a good job that paid well, friends I loved and a city I adored. I left it. I already realized this and knew what I was doing when I left it. However, it sunk in a little more on Saturday, probably because I now have to give up insurance since I don't have the money to keep up with it. Why, I asked myself, did I leave? I thought of everything I had and what I was able to do. All my clothes were generally not cheap, the products I bought the shoes I loved were not inexpensive. I left this for a life where I didn't know what I would be able to do, didn't know how I'd be living.
...
I could see why people thought I was crazy for leaving, especially so suddenly.

The thing is, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I knew that staying in Portland was not only prolonging what I wanted to do but would make me miserable. Don't misunderstand me, it's not like I hated it and didn't have friends who turned into family and a good job I liked. I would be miserable because of 2 very good reasons: the death throws of my marriage and not being with Stephen.

My marriage was done, I knew that. We had changed and had been arguing for quite some time before I came to Lexington for a visit and fell in love with one of my best friends, Stephen. When I went back I was miserable not so much because I wasn't near Stephen, but because my marriage was still a mess. The couples therapy didn't help and Da5id's want to be with Mae also didn't help. I know I let him be with her, but I let him because I didn't want to have to ask him to stay. He would be staying because I asked him and not because he wanted to be there. That I thought that was a point of arguement with Da5id as he thought that my asking him should be enough. I just... didn't and still don't agree with that. I knew then that it was over and I knew what I had to do. I knew that the death throws had started a while back, as was quite evident from the nonstop fights and crying fits. When I called it, I knew this and I accepted it. Then I knew what I had to and wanted to do. Move to Lexington.

A while back I left a good paying job to work at Trader Joe's. The money was a little above minimum wage and the days were odd. Yes, it didn't help my finances and I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I had done so because I hated having a job that I was eh about just because I made good money. I remembered that I had done so because the happiest I was was when I was working at Tower Records for not much money. I'd rather be happy than have a high paying job. Silly? Maybe. Still, it's what I prefer.

I was starting to dislike my job in PDX because it was ok in the makes me happy field and provided me with flexibility and nice people to work with. Still, it wasn't me. No matter what happens here, what sort of job I get, I want to be happy in it and I also want to be able to pay my bills.

I'm still going through the death throws of my 10 year relationship with Da5id. Mostly because it was 10 years and I don't know what our next evolution is, how to still have him in my life as he's been such a big part of it. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret ending it. We are both happier apart, yet I still hold some pain and bitterness that I have to get through from all the things that went on since sometime around January or perhaps earlier.

Stephen... Stephen I adore. We've been friends for so long and understood the crazy parts, our actions and decisions. Being free have the option to love another person and being able to take our relationship to that next level allowed us to progress. I don't see it as leaving Da5id for Stephen because I tried very hard to keep Da5id and me together and make it work. I believed that we could. In the end, we could not.

I'm happy now. Despite the hard times, no job, and having to give up medical insurance, I'm still very happy. Maybe that's because of Stephen and then again maybe not. All I know is that he makes me happy and he makes me feel right and whole... and home.

Weird, that.

So!

Remember how I said that my parents took it well???

Yeah... apparently my mom changed her mind. I got a very long talking to from my mother last week that included such statements as:
"You never should have let us spend the money on your wedding if you were going to leave in a couple of years."
"I feel ashamed that you let Da5id's parents spend that much money in thinking you would stay with him."
"Marriage is something you try hard on. If you get in a fight all the time with him, so what? Your dad and I get in fights all the time and we're still married."

Yeah...

Part of me wishes that I had disappeared, had changed my number and never contacted them again! Ah, if only! I, however, have that catholic guilt/ need to love my family. As far as I can tell, and as my therapist had said, they're not always the best thing for me, whether they're family or not.

SO here I am in Lexington, hoping to god that my mom doesn't stick with her threat of coming here to "talk" to me. Seriously, am I 16 years old and are my parents are planning on coming to take me "home?" My parents say that at times like these I need my family around since they are the ones that understand me. REALLY?! Really?? Is that why they never got it when I was actually trying to communicate when I was a teenager???

*clears throat*

Yeah, 34 years old and my parents are still treating me like a teenager.

Moving on!

Life's a mess, but still good. Well, things with Stephen and me are good. Life's... trying; a mess.

Quick rundown:
- I didn't pass the test to get licensed by the state for insurance which means that I can't work at the insurance company managing accounts.
- I'm TOTALLY broke. Completely used up all my resources, as I was SUPPOSED TO BE working by now. Seriously, I don't know WHY I didn't keep looking for jobs in those 3 weeks that I was studying for the exam. You know... that thing about putting all your eggs in one basket and what not.
- Stephen is having legal issues because of that cunt of an ex-wife (and my ex-friend). A lawyer was needed so now we're BOTH tapped out in trying to pay the retainer. Phun!
- My health insurance is usable here BUT I need to pay up front and then my insurance reimburses me. Do they think that I have the time or money to wait 3-4 weeks for them to reimburse me??? Fuckers.

Ok ok... all negative so here's the positive...

...

Oh!
- meeting new friends (Stephen's friends and old acquaintances, really)
- Lots of Stephen time :D
- Hanging out at the shops. I really like most of the people who work at both shops.
- I now have 2 cats. Well, Stephen's of course, but now that I live there, well I help take care of them and I talk to them.
- I like my room and my desk in my room where I play on this here computer, Eddie.
- Drinks are cheap
- When we go to Mia's (a bar), if Mary Beth (the owner) is there, she likes to feed me vodka as she's a vodka lover and an old friend of Stephen's.
- Stephen. PATEOTS.

That's what I got so far. Life is good but trying. Everyone PLEASE try to send good vibes that I get a job and/ or unemployment through Oregon REALLY soon!!

Ok... a post has been a brewin' since my first week here, and now that I've been here a month (Yes, REALLY!) I think I'm starting to get things in place and my head in the right space.

Huh... that rhymes...

SO... I figured I'd start with pictures of the house. These are just a few and I'll have more of the rest later, but it's SOMETHING, right?

I believe that most of you saw this pic in my last post, but I'm putting it in this one to point him out specifically.