Monday, February 28, 2011

... because it's appropriate for today.

*Special thanks to Tracy for bringing this song back onto my radar.

Also, thank you to Señor London for helping me find where the Keyboard viewer is. It's helping A LOT*!

*not to be confused with the Alot

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Help I'm alive

First news: I was laid off. Yep, ladies and gents, my assignment at came to an end as of Thursday. Am I ok? Yes. I had a bit of panic there, still I can't help but be optimistic. Dunno why, but I'm all for it.

With that said, I'm working on trying to use more of my time to write and take part in other endeavors that will lead me down a more creative path. I guess, I'm just trying to free myself from the rut that I feel I got stuck in after working so many hours at work. Having the time isn't enough, I feel like I really have to try for it because it's too easy to let the "free time" waste away on other things.

I feel a bit out of touch with a lot of my friends, but most times I think that this has to do with bipolar issues I have to battle for life. I'm trying, guys. I know I just have to keep in touch with the lot of you, but it's not always easy. Sometimes the monsters in my head outnumber the reality. I'm fighting it, bit by bit. I'm trying to update this blog at least once a week in order to stop feeling like a recluse and at least keep a line open to everyone in how and what I'm doing.

Side note to anyone that gets my posts emailed to them: if you're going to respond, please respond on the blog and not to the email. For some reason the email isn't coming to me directly anymore so I have to go in and fix that so that I can get those responses again. In the meantime, if you have responded to me and I've not answered, that's probably why.

I know this isn't much of a post, but I just wanted to bring everyone up to speed.

I tremble.
They're going to eat me alive
If I stumble....
Help I'm Alive.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

The wine Whine

It's 1:30 am and I'm ready to blow up! I don't know why, but I am. I'd also like to point out that I can't use my return key because I spilled wine on that section of my keyboard. Yay. So this will all be one long paragraph. I'm trying to write and I can't because the lack of the return key and the semicolon and colon and the letter "p" have made it difficult to do so. I persist with the use of copy and past. Apparently the backslash doesn't work either. I'm trying guys... really trying. I think, however, I might have to go old school here and just work with phone, letters, and journals. Ugh. This sucks.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Here's where I am.

Now that the work schedule has calmed down and I'm back to 8 hours a day, it seems that depression is rearing it's ugly head. The swinging door of bipolar, folks, has swung that-a-way. I'm trying hard to fight it, but it's worst when trying to get out of bed.

Let's take an overall view of she.

I'm working at making "eh" money that's just paying the bills and buying essentials. That's ok for now. My allergies are bad off due to said job as I work in a rather dusty environment and the eyes HATE IT, especially given the fact that of my arsenal of 4 allergy meds I usually take, I can only get my hands on one of them. I'm taking many steps to combat the allergies in lieu of medication such as constantly cleaning and being careful with how long my contacts are in, lots of washing of clothing and things I come in contact with, etc. So far the allergies are winning.

I've broken my glasses, which doesn't help with the allergy issue because this means that I have to wear contacts, which exacerbate the affect of the allergies on my eyes. Feh! See above on what I'm doing about that.

HOWEVER! ... However, I'm still fighting and I'm still, for the most part, happy.

I know that creativity helps and is also a great way to channel my depression. Tracy likes to remind me of this when I talk about it. Last night Stephen and I decided to collaborate on a longtime idea he's had to make a zine combining my lyrics with his stories, working on the layout of it, etc. That's project one to work on. I'm also working on a story or two for a contest I keep wanting to enter for the Bridport Prize. Today I started outlining a story idea for that and I'm also trying to think of another just 'cause.

This leaves me feeling more accomplished which is why currently you are getting an update that's more positive than negative. Mind you, it also helps when I make a sort of "list" like this so that I can take note of the positive vs. the negative.

If anyone wants to work on anything, would like a story or to collaborate on something with me, let me know!(Krist, I've noticed your blog URL on my wall on FB and I haven't peaked yet, but it made me think of our efforts before and if you need any contributions for anything you might be working on, email/ call/ message me.)

I have more tattoos than I used to and I like that. Stephen and I are working more of them. Honestly, I've always liked/ wanted them, but just couldn't do them before money wise and there's always the "What should my first tattoo be?" hill that one has to get over. Now, the game is ON!

When I moved here I weighed about 160-165. Currently I'm tipping the scales at 140-145 which is even less than what I thought was my "feel right in my own skin" weight. At first I was worried, but I've come to realize that this IS me. I feel absolutely me in my skin and hair and age and..... everything. I think this is great, as, honestly... I don't think I've ever felt better as me in my life.

I like Ceci... no... I love Ceci! I really think I've got something here.

Lastly, but never least, Stephen. Things are great. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. We seem to know how to offset the other's bad times, we communicate and we come up with alllll sorts of amusing things to do with little money... even if it's just stay at home and have sex! Honestly, I think he helps me be the best me I can be... and the proof is all that I feel, say, write and do.

"Like hell we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home "
~Alkaline Trio~