Reconciling Saints

I'd like to say I'm sorry, Jim.

You were always nice to me, always thought of me with things like taking me to see Madness at the Troubadour, and I repaid you by allowing it all to happen. Some call it aiding and abetting. I didn't cause it, but I didn't help; I was an accessory. I was more concerned with my friend's needs than I was to yours... or even your marriage. It should not have happened like that.

Would it help if I told you she was going to do it anyway? That nothing I said would have changed much - didn't change much- save for the fact that she wouldn't have had an alibi?

I'm sorry for the betrayal, I'm sorry for my part in it. I was only trying to save her when she seemed so lost because she had always done the right thing... because she thought she had to be the Good Girl. I was trying to help her embrace her whole self - her true self - all of her, which include the bad bits. When we own up and embrace our faults and the ugly bits, then we can be happy because we can completely be ourselves. That's what I wanted for her; I wanted her to stop doing what she thought she was supposed to do and just be her.

... but not like that. Or rather, I knew you were a casualty of it and you had to be, ... but not like that.

For that, I'm sorry.


*A Choppy Yet Sincere Apology is a title of a Riverboat Gamblers song I actually find quite... true for my life. I wish I'd come up with such a good title for apologies I've had to make or will never actually make. You can find it here.

So I reread this post here and found myself pondering the truthfulness of it and how it embodied everything I had done/ that happened to get me here.

This part especially:

"I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance."

Well, we changed and I was no longer what he could handle and he was no longer the guy who knew me nor understood me.

That is why I knew it was over. That was why I did what I thought was right by me.

So I was looking through my comics... like you do... and I found an old card. It's apparently a birthday card... for me... that was in amongst them.

The signature is hard to discern and there's no date on it.

At first I thought it was from Mlle_Aubergine, then I thought maybe my old friend Maureen... but it doesn't look like Mlle's hadnwriting and I can't remember Maureen's handwriting nor her signature. Something about it made me think of my old friend Jon.

I'm a little speechless as I think of Jon from time to time and he'll creep into my dreams and always I want to know that he's ok. I loved him dearly, adored his art and writing... he was always there with the right thing to say, even if it was the totally wrong thing to say.

I sent a message to the only address I ever had for him, and as it's a hotmail address, I don't know that he would still own it.

I miss you, Jon. If you're out there... if you read this... email me.

*** Update: after sleeping on it and getting the bottle of wine out of my system, I'm pretty sure it's Maureen's. - 4th of February