Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'm need to do this. I need to be unapologetic for my life. I need to out myself.

I am open... and by that I mean that I'm in an open relationship. I find that I have no problem with it and have in fact always felt like I was wrong in thinking that I should not be this way.

Today I tried to talk to Amander about it who had already heard a little about it from another friend. I get that. Friends get concerned. I do, at times like these, feel like I have to be apologetic for the life that I chose and that I have to tell it as such - apologetically. That's my reaction; that's my problem for reacting that way to the situation. So I tried to tell her and fell into the feeling the situation was wrong because of what I thought she may or may not have heard. I felt like I was trying to belittle and apologize what I felt. Again, my fault.

I want everyone to know that I'm ok with things. I'm not apologetic in actuality for it. I love my life and I love that I feel like I can live it exactly like I want to. I like that I get to be right in the things I chose for myself and I'm happy to know that the boyo is in accordance with me and is my partner in crime.

I know that not all things I chose are conventional and I know that not everyone is going to accept it. They don't have to, I have to. In order to do that I have to accept things and be open.

This is me, this is what I think is right for me.

How does one take every person in one's life aside and explain this?

It has nothing to do with trying to end run a fear that someone will cheat on me and it's not a fear that I have of commitment. It's simply the way I am and the way I know that I always have been.

This is me.

I'm not feeling like I have to apologize anymore... and so this is what you'll get. I'm happy. I'm so happy I can twirl around like a mad woman singing in the alps and yell! This is who I know I am, what I've always wanted the freedom to be and have known that wasn't the status quo but that it worked for me and mine.

For that I love Da5id. For that he's my partner in crime.

I'm finally me... and I won't shy away or apologize.

The buck stops here.

I love my life. I won't trade it for anyhting in the world and I think anyone would be so lucky to be me. Instead.... I own it... I am it... and I won't apologize for it.

"and you shall not separate from me
I have a heart that's full of life..."

Bat for Lashes
Two Planets

Monday, December 14, 2009

To Juggle Jane

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


More from A Softer World

Sometimes I feel like I lead a dual life. Maybe it's what we all do and then again maybe the lesson is to be who you are no matter what.

My life takes odd twists and turns but always I fight to be me. I fight to be the best, most me that there is. I've fought everyone that's ever told me what they thought was wrong or how I should do things. Most especially, though, I've fought my parents.

I fought my parents to be me in high school. I've always known who Ceci is for as long as I can remember. In college I still fought to be Ceci and to be treated as an adult despite the threats of not paying for school anymore (to which I told them that that was fine by me). When I wanted to get married I fought for that because I thought I was right. It turned out to be a mistake, but it was a lesson to be learned. When I wanted a divorce (because it was a mistake) I fought for that despite my parents' beliefs, advice and admonishments. The list goes on.

Still... there are places I won't go with them... mainly because, well they disagree anyway so why keep going?

However, the family... also doesn't really know me. Maybe they guess... maybe it's ok for them to not know everything. It's odd that the people I grew up with and was so close to, became distant. I'm not sure that they would understand me and I don't think I can let them in totally. In a lot of ways, I deviate from a lot that we grew up with. In late high school/ early university my brother once asked me why I can't just do what the parents want and not argue. My sister and I used to be very close... and now, well now I feel like I don't even know who she is. My cousins... well, we all just went our own way to our own lives.

My friends, on the other hand, know everything.

How is it that I can be so much myself and yet... not? The things I like, the things I do, the way I live my life... not a lot is known there when it comes to family. It makes me feel like I'm living a lie of sorts or maybe a half-truth.

Can one ever be truly open about who one is with everyone?