Reconciling Saints

* This was a response to a friend's post from earlier today. It's the first time I've really talked about how things are with Stephen, outside of a couple of my close friends here. It's been... refreshing... to talk about it. So I wanted to post it here... because that's what Reconciling Saints is all about, isn't it?


A Reading From the Response of Ceci to the Paige

I have a boy with issues. Well, I’m pretty sure they ALL have issues… hell! WE all have issues… but I've come to see it 2 ways, depending on my mood:
1) You watch everyone parade their icks around and try to pick the least disgusting one
2) You try to see whose icks you can live with and vice versa… and there ALWAYS has to be a vice versa or it doesn't work.

I've never said this before... not here, and definitely not anywhere else, except maybe to my friend Tracy amidst the anonymity that comes from hanging out at a porn store. It's scary because it makes it real. Breathing air into those words by saying them out loud into the air... makes them real.

So my boy with issues doesn't always like to talk about his issues… unless alcohol… and with alcohol… oh BOY the issues! They come fast and heavy and there’s really no talking about them, just creating a soup of them that keeps pouring out of his mouth until he’s almost drowned himself in them… and alcohol.

However, without the alcohol… there’s waiting… and more waiting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now." Until …every once in a long while... yeah, yeah, there’s some talking… really good talking. Times like that, I see the boy that he is and could be… could be all the time. For those times… for that glimpse… I hang on, because I know what he is and I know what he’s capable of… and he’s brilliant, and caring, and scared like me, and just wants to be loved, just like me.

Except… and it’s always except… except he’s mostly waiting… and not getting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now"… and "why do you have to always go and spoil the mood."

When’s enough? When is one so much more than the other, that I can’t hold on anymore?

The boyo has problems. When he drinks too much, he drinks too much. So he kind of doesn’t… until he gets tired of doesn’t-ing and he does… Lather, rinse, repeat.

He does it for me, though, the not drinking. He wants me around, he says, so he doesn't… but sometimes… sometimes the drinking wins. Not so much anymore, but sometimes.

He’s an addict. He replaced heroin with alcohol over 10 years ago… and I don’t know what he’ll replace alcohol with if he needs to, and maybe that’s why he can’t…. or doesn’t… or won’t.

Yes, I have a point, I swear... and here come that point!

I might have to leave one day.

One day, the one he wants most won't be me, and the one he can’t have, might win…  leaving me with lots of love that’s nowhere to go… and too many questions with very little answers.

It sucks!

And where you’re at … it sucks!

I don’t know that I could jump back in… I think I might have to take some me time… and just be. How do you get over someone you love because they don’t love you… because their addiction, per se, lies elsewhere? My heart will be breaking and I will have to learn to be by myself again… and to love me, again… and to remind me that I deserve ALL THE LOVE… just like I deserve ALL THE THINGS! Mostly, I'll have to learn to trust myself with me again... and to love me so much more, that I won't let anyone treat me like that again.

So that’s why I ask… or, not?

I've thought out my exit plan because I have to. Every day, I’m not sure what he’ll choose, and if I’ll have to make the decision that quickly. So I thought about it, drew it up, and practiced in my head. I hope I never have to use it, but I know that I can’t stay like that.

It seems like one would need to learn how to love one’s self again. Loving enough to leave… loving enough to not let one’s heart become so battered. Honestly, no one knows how to love you better than you do, and no one knows what you need better than you do. So perhaps you should date yourself for a while, because you need to learn to trust yourself again with you and trust that you’re not going to let anyone else hurt you... or at least try like hell! Maybe even forgive yourself, while you’re at it. Take yourself to a nice dinner… or a long walk… and listen, listen to what you have to say.

I hate it.

Do you think that it's possible to live in a place that's mostly cold? Like... REALLY cold???? That's sounding like heaven to me. It's not like that I don't like being warm nor does it mean that I don't a appreciate that crisp day where the sun keeps you nice and warm and the winds tease you in the shadows. No... those days I can stand the heat/ sun.

I digress...

Here's my problem: I don't know how to deal with the sun.

I overheat, feel horrible, cannot do anymore than turn into a little pool of Ceci. I also feel uncomfortable in my clothes and forget wearing anything that's office appropriate! My face just shiny, I sweat easily and my hair does that thing that only curly hair can... and that is be completely unruly. In short, I look and feel terrible! A red face is not pretty, especially when it's all shiny and shit. Sweaty clothes... also not attractive, not to mention that I can get a little stinky. What can I say, it's genetics. *shrugs*

I HATE this! This... and the fact that I burn easily... is why I hate the sun. It does horrible things to me, I never look good and I feel miserable. There!

I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm just not very good at being a girl. I don't know how to get my hair to not do the unruly thing. I had hoped that with it shorter, I would be able to get it under control a little more, but now it just does this Clark Kent thing and I end up looking like a soccer mom who has been running after her kids all day... and more in a "I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you once I catch you" kinda way.

*sigh *

Help! ... or I'm gonna end up living in Iceland for the rest of my life... Which would help my allergies, I'm sure but that's another gripe all together.

*hangs head*
Shoot me now.

this is my blog, so I'll write what I want.

Here's the thing, kids, I think that too often in this world passion is dropped for safety!
There! I said it.

PASSION
IS
DROPPED
FOR
SAFETY!
!!!!

Who wants to be in a relationship where you're safe? Ok, well, within reason, obviously! Who wants one were it's just good enough that someone loves you?

...

Ok somehow this is sounding all wrong. Here's what I mean:

So the boyo and I were watching Shopgirl today (you know, the Steve Martin movie with Claire Danes and Jason Shcwartzman?) and she starts looking for a guy... just a guy that might think she's pretty, that might treat her well... that might hold her. I get that. I do. At my most touch deprived, I look for hugs from people... just people... anyone will do, well ok... not bad huggers, but almost anyone will suffice.

I know it's a movie, and I know it's about that girl looking for A GUY. I think my problem is that too often there's someone looking for A PERSON. Not that person. Just A person. I had a semi-discussion with some friends about this the other day. Just because someone's nice to you does NOT deem them good enough to stay with. What about the other things? What about the fact that I want to be a better person for, and becuase of, this person and not just BE.

One of the things my parents asked me when I was leaving the ex was "Why do you want to leave him? He's good to you. He doesn't hurt you."

You know what hurt me? That he never wanted to be more with me, nor for me, nor for himself. He also didn't want to know more about me. He didn't want to hear about the crazy parts, he didn't think one should share everything.

That to me, guys, was pretty crushing. What do you mean you don't want to see more?! I want to see everything of you. I want the dreams, the bad things, I want to KNOW you. I want to grow with that. I want to love you for it because it all... the whole lot of it... is what YOU are comprised of!

That's passion, for me at least. You have to be able to be passionate about me and about life. You especially have to be passionate about YOU.

I'm not looking for drama, but I am looking for passion. You have to love yourself that much, and you sure as hell have to love me that much.

Most importantly... most especially... you have to care that much about yourself that you would leave me to save yourself is that was what was needed. You have to love you more than you love me. God knows I do! That's when it's equal... that's when you can choose what's best for you, even if it turns out that all that is best for you, is you.