Reconciling Saints

So I'm not the girliest of girls. Often times, I can be found with many a bruise and skinned knees. Also, some times (most times?) I choose sleep in lieu of appearance. The bruises, skinned knees, and lack of motivation in my appearance can get to me.

The feeling never left.

Just one more time... I'd like to be myself...

Times like this, I don't feel like I have been. Then again... maybe I'm just holding on to the person that was... the person that keeps trying to be who she was.

Tonight I don't care.

I want to do all the stupid things I used to... and I want to do them for the same reason I've always done them.

Right now, however, I have no one to be my accomplice.

Stephen's drinking away at a bar with friends. It's almost 2am where he is. I called him, but do you know how hard it is to talk to someone when you're at a bar??? Yeah, I wasn't going to make him do that.

Tonight the manic is creeping in perhaps... but I don't blame anyone, I just know that this will happen and that I just have to ride it and go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep!

I want to go out... and drink and talk and smoke. I want to do all those things that you're not supposed to because it's too late and you have work tomorrow and it's better to not drink that much and to not be hung over in the morning.

If it wasn't for the fact that there was no one to do this with, I'd be out.

EVERYONE is in early. EV.RY.ONE! ...and yes I know there's an "e" missing in there.

Why isn't anyone up to talk about life, the universe and everything?!

I'd go back to M's but she's probably asleep or falling asleep. The boyo was passed out on the bed when I got home and I don't know anyone else well enough to know if they're up or not.

There's no one to play with! There's no one to go to the bar with... no one's place to hang out at. YES! These are things I sometimes need. YES! I want more.

Is that so hard to understand??? I don't understand it when people can't push past to keep living... manic Ceci does not get that. She's also not getting the night she wants of talking and drinking and possibly smoking. She's even resorted to calling someone who probably doesn't want anything to do with her. Well, I was hoping she'd be up as I don't know anyone else with my sleep habits. Ah well.

This always happens when I hear a good album... I blame James.

Damnit... everyone is sleeping! Y'all suck.

I'm lonely. I'm pissed off. This sucks. I want some fun.

I've been trying to write this post for the past 3 hours.

No, strike that. I've been trying to write this post for the last 2 weeks. It has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with just doing something, writing something, making an attempt at being me again.

I'm doing better over all. No episodes in the last 2 weeks, no crying everyday or even every week. It is sort of a numb feeling, but for now that's better than what it was. Again, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm numb all day or miserable and I don't mope around, but on the whole I just try to keep going to not have time to be numb.

I tend to over think things when I'm left alone with my laptop or my notebook and pen.

I had a MARVELOUS weekend at the coast with friends which was a last minute thing, but just... wonderful. It was gorgeous there and the interaction and time away was very necessary. People remind me that they love me, broken or not. That means a lot. It helps a lot too.

Here comes the weird (although the boyo says it makes sense): I'm scared of you guys. I'm scared of the internets, scared of email and yes, sometimes I'm scared of the phone.

I have at LEAST 30 emails I have to answer, if only to send a reply that says "I'm still here plugging along."

I can't.

I stare at my inbox and I get a sort of queasy feeling, and I think, "I'll do that later. I'll respond to at least ONE tonight." I don't. I dread writing. Dread what I have to say, or figuring out how to say it... even just a hello.

The boyo thinks it's because it's all I can do to just talk to people in person, go out and not shut myself in at home. That's a good theory and maybe that's right. I'm not happy with it, however. I'm not happy that I try to write, try to post here or on OurPDX and I come up with nothing. Blank space. Whining. I keep trying because I think that if I just try, I'll do it...

So now my blog is... this. This is... my life and life in general. Apparently, life is not always good, not always beautiful and always very scary. I like the scary. Scary means I can feel and it means that I'm pushing my boundaries. Scary means that I'm doing things that are out of my comfort zone, just like I always have. Scary means that I'm fighting hard to remember who me is, that I'm still me and that I will keep going.

That sounds good, right?

The problem is in trying to find the time for "me" in the middle of the routine and after everything I have to do. Some of you might say I don't have to do something; we all have the power to change our minds and make our own choices. Those are not the things I'm talking about, though. The routine is necessary. It's there so that I can feel better so that I don't end up holing myself into my apartment or room. They are there so that the side effects from the meds don't hit me so hard and so that I can remember to keep going. Call it momentum, if you will.

In the middle of all the things I have to do, it's hard to find the time to do the things I used to love doing and still want to do. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me that I should make a point of just fitting things in when I can instead of trying to do everything I used to do at once. The problem is, however, that I don't have 3 hours to stare at my screen or notebook to be able to let this flow. I don't have the time to push myself to try to do something because I have to keep going with my routine, which gives me limited time to do these things.

I've been through worse, I know. I've survived worse and should accept that this is never the worst I will feel and yet is also the worst I will feel. Every time one hits an obstacle in life, one always thinks of it as the worst or hardest thing, and yet we've all gone through it before, we've all survived things that were just as bad, if not worse.

*shrugs*

This is life and unfortunately right now my life is... chemically chaotic.

This is me, interrupted. This is what happens when I finally take a good long look at myself and my inner workings and try to work it out.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

You know, last week the boyo made a comment about Twitter, blogs and narcissism. Since then I keep wondering... why do I bother? I mean, it's all nonsense anyway.These days... I just don't know. I'm apparently narcissistic and this is all drivel.

The 33rd annual Ceci celebration is in a week. I'm not sure what I want to do for it. I wanted to do one thing but I can't because others booked that day before I shouted "Dibs!" out loud. So now I have to find something else to do for my birthday on any day other than the 23rd. This leaves me with the upcoming weekend or Sunday the 24th, as Memorial Day is the 25th.

...

Really, no clue.

Also, people book up pretty fast so even if I did decide to throw a shindig for myself this weekend, it's possible that no one will be able to attend.

Oddly, unlike most years, this is the one year when I'm not counting down to my birthday. I can blame a lot of things, but when all is said and done, I'm just not feeling it. Dinner at Montage? People over for drinks? It all sounds like nights out we can't afford to do. I should just chalk Europe up as a celebration and call it good.

Anyone with ideas?

The new IAMX comes out on my birthday. I'd like that and to win the lottery please.
Amen.

...
I guess the door swung the wrong way today.

This is what I look like/feel like/ am doing today:

I'm hiding out at home.

See the eyes?? They're red and... well you can't tell from the picture but they're splotchy.

Today I took a day to work from home to try to refocus... I've restarted therapy and I had my second official session yesterday. Thus far the word being thrown about as to my issues and why I keep ending up here: Bipolar.

...Ok, so my last therapist did mention that it was a high possibility, but there were other issues we were working on that we thought we'd revisit it later. It should come to no surprise, but I guess what got me was not just that it meant a cycle of depression, but all the other symptoms, some of which I thought were just me and not all of which I hate.

The manic part is apparently the part the contains some of the stuff I like about me. To be told that it's not me, that it's some misfiring of chemicals or what have you, just kind of makes me question... well... me.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this... and it all makes sense... but... it's like... well, how can I put this without sounding crazy?! It's like being told that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, but YOU'RE Santa Claus!

That sounds nuts doesn't it?

It explains a whole HELL of a lot... and it makes me hope that there are things that I can work on that will make it all better. I'm still sorter scared that I'm going to lose something of me, though, and I hate that it makes me wonder, well, what IS the real me?

Dunno.

It's 4pm

I have a headache.

Today has been a total fail. I feel like work isn't going too well, although not technically my fault. I just feel like I SHOULD know these guys by now to know what they'll need. I should have known that someone was going to need flip charts made since I knew they were flying off to see the client today.
...
Wait... wait... no... no I wouldn't have known this since this wasn't supposed to be a training but an introduction to other associates today. One does not need Flip Charts for that. Still, I needed to get these printed by 2pm. The place we usually use requires 24 hour notice. Thankfully, if they're slow enough (and they were today) they CAN get it done by 2pm if they get the files to print by 8am.

*sigh*

I've also had a panic-y day because I had not received the confirmation for our tickets from Prague to the UK, and I did not want the cost to be more than it already was. Got that resolved though, and got that confirmation.

THEN... then... there was still the locating of a place in Prague since the original place had doubled their prices and well, it seems everyone got wise to the fact that people do indeed travel to Prague in the late winter/ early spring. Poop!. However, thank you to Jane for overseeing that and getting us a place to stay!

THEN... there were the flats I was inquiring about for Paris. It's tough to get a response from them! Finally we got one going that didn't require 30% on top of the rent for the agency fee and the equivalent of the rent for the week as a deposit! However, I'm short about $300 to secure that one (and no, it's not $300 to secure... that's just what I'm short). Ooof!

Not to mention that the plan for tonight's movie night is to go see the Watchman as a field trip and one of the originators of this suggestion went over the weekend with other friends and someone else decided that she'd watch it more than once and see it. It just makes me wonder... why am I going??? I'm not a huge movie person ANYWAY, why am I doing this??? Because unlike a movie I really want to see (like the field trip to JCVD), this is one that I can frankly take or leave. No talking during the movie like we do in someone's house. It's theater! I'm sure our puns and sarcasm would not go over well. PLUS being a big time action movie, I didn't know that the movie theater chosen was a mom and pop place. While that might be fine for A Room With a View or something, I dunno that the Watchman will look all that impressive to me if not seen how it's supposed to be seen. Had someone mentioned this to me when I chimed in with a "yeah, that's cool!" I probably would have changed my vote. Do you people think I know Portland movie houses??? I mean... I want to support the mom and pop place... and I do like to avoid the stadium seating, average-joe gathering 100-plex, however, there is a time and place for certain things.

*groans * Seriously!

I don't think I'm fit for human consumption today, however I don't want to flake on William who seems very keen to see it... ANNNDDDDD... and it just seems stupid to spend money when my problem is that I don't have enough ON my card to cover a GOD DAMN DEPOSIT!

... and NO! I don't have any cheese for this whine!

I just feel like I failed in the whole trip in that I couldn't get all together nicely like I was supposed to. My Cruise Director status is going to be revoked, I just know it!

It's been nutty.

Truly nutty! Mainly for a lot of people around me. Last night a friend asked, "Has everyone lost their fucking minds?!"

You know... maybe???

Nutty.

My vibe of wonder, of anything can happen as long as I just do... is starting to peter out. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm impatient.

All of a sudden I look at everything and I wonder, how in the hell is all this supposed to happen? Where did all the good go??

Life will do that to you I guess. Especially when you can see a wave of things coming.
For example, the boyo has been worried about the car, my bug. It seems that the clutch is slipping. Well, it doesn't just SEEM that way... it IS slipping. What the actually problem might be, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I had it replaced last year right around this time before we went to Europe... or maybe it was before Christmas? Anyway... it's only been AT MOST a little over a year. That's gonna be repairs we hadn't counted on.

I'm going to Europe which is in the budget but now is looking a little... frivolous? Difficult? I don't know.

... I keep thinking that if I just do, it will.

I will do with my life what I would like to. The traveling will one day be something that won't tax us.

I will keep writing my silly little stories. I will keep posting my silly little blogs. They're mostly for my friends and bit for me, and that should make me happy for now. Still, I keep thinking of a lyric from James' "Sit Down":
If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor

I wish I didn't know that there was so much more that I want from life. I wish I didn't know that things were possible. No... no I don't.

I wish I could just believe all the time and not have doubt.

I'm trying to keep thinking that I just need to do, and I'm sure you're all with me when I say, right now, that's looking a little difficult.

So I was going to post ALLLLLL about the super, lovely, INCREDIBLE time I had last night with pictures and everything...

...

except that there are other things I want to talk about... because other stuff happened too

Oh and I have a sore throat...

However I cannot write about them because I need to talk to people about them first...

I'll figure out if I'm gonna be catty later... and how many bridges I'm burning... in the meantime, I think about them.

OK... I'm gonna 'fess up, kids.

I'm down. I can usually cheer myself up out of this and they seem to work temporarily but in the long run I've just been sorter "eh" all day and at points I'm fighting off tears mostly because I don't know what's affecting me so much!

Partially I feel a bit disconnected with my friends so far away. Also there's the writing issue I'm having as I'm not getting a lot of feedback from those that I gave the draft I have of the novel I was working on. I wonder if I ask too much, if it's just too busy of a time for me to expect anyone to read it. Perhaps I should hire an editor.

I feel slightly out of touch and yet I feel hopeful. I know this will pass, but I can't seem to shake it.

What do I do? My bag of tricks is empty and I've no cheerleaders.