Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear Family,

My related family, that is.

I love you. You drive me crazy. Well, crazier.. and not in a good way. This makes me not quite love you and that is why I cannot live around you/ have a hard time contacting you.

Accept me or don't, I'm still me and I can't change that. I'm beautiful, talented, strong, brilliant, creative and yes, I am crazy.

Now, if you don't mind... or even if you do... I'm going to go live my life.

Love with all my heart,


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Well, we're at the 3 month mark and I still have no job. I have a few very likely-s but nothing solid. I've stopped celebrating everytime I supposedly have a job because those keep falling through. I am told I have a job at as a coach for new hires in the returns dept. but they have yet to call me with a start date (mind you, I only had my orientation last Thursday). Today I went for a job at ACS for a call center for people who place orders which pays the same amount as the Amazon job. My friend Anne got hired on the spot, but I had to leave to get the car to Stephen for his appointment so I need to return tomorrow for the interview portion. THAT, however, doesn't start until October 11th.

I NEED MONEY NOW! I need a job that I can start on Monday because this is driving me insane.

Other than that stress, the only other thing is that I will be off meds as of next Tuesday. Let's watch and see what happens.

Anything else... is AWESOME.

Seriously, if I just got paid for being me or had a trust fund or benefactor or something, things would be superfuckinggood!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Some of you remember this...

He's NOT kidding. Check out his website

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Guess what's just around the corner?!

That's right! Halloween!!!!!

I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna be...

A look back

So I reread this post here and found myself pondering the truthfulness of it and how it embodied everything I had done/ that happened to get me here.

This part especially:

"I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance."

Well, we changed and I was no longer what he could handle and he was no longer the guy who knew me nor understood me.

That is why I knew it was over. That was why I did what I thought was right by me.



Today was a little muggy at times, but it was rainy and there was thunder. On the way back to the house, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw the leaves falling and the piles of the yellow and orange leaves strewn at the side of the road.


Fall has always been a time of change for me. It seems that there's always something major that changes in my life right about now. Sometimes it's pretty fucking hard, scary or a combo of the two. However, it's always amazing and it always makes me... better? enhanced?... something like that.

So here's fall. I find that I'm still in the "not sure what's going on with my job hunt" and that life is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY different. Weird. Good weird.

I have a gig starting at (thanks for the tip, Anne!) in the next week or 2. I have orientation this Wednesday and then they're supposed to let me know what they need me for shift wise. Lots of running around and 4 10-hour days which means... 3 day weekends !!!!! Most importantly it means that I'll get a paycheck.

SO! Life, bring it!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life, my friends, is weird.

I know, I know... I say that all the time. Here's the thing... it's true!

On Saturday I got upset because the boy that I'm, well, married to, was giving me a hard time about paying my bills. I don't want to get into a he said she said here, and I know some of you are still friends so I'll leave it at that. Needless to say, he pissed me off and yes, there was a good reason for it.

Weird #1:
10 years with one boy... 10 years with a million ups and downs, love and admiration, a move and a wedding. Open relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that, really. I have a "problem" with not being able to, errr, restrain myself. I don't see that as a problem, but many do, so I brought it up.

Now, who knows exactly when everything changed or exactly why, but it did. He's not the guy I knew and either I'm not the girl he knew or I didn't change. Whatever it was, things changed and our run as partners had ended.

Sad? Yes. Very, in my opinion. I understand, through our therapy sessions, that it happens. People change. We, as our therapist said, should not think of it as a failure, but instead we should understand that we had a good run; change does not make it a failure.

Now, he's phasing me out. His point of view is that I phased myself out since I moved. Is he right? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's sad to me, to think that someone I was so close to, loved so much for 10 years, is gone. It seems, and again I could be wrong, but it seems that it's easy for him to let go or at least think that not being part of my life is the way it should be.

I don't understand this and so for me it's weird. I don't understand not knowing, not having in my life, someone that was such a part of it for so long. Had I stayed, would he have done the same thing? Would I be in Portland wondering why he's phasing me out while I was still there and we hung out with the same friends? I truly believe that if I had stayed, I would have been worse off than I am now in sanity and depression. It would have been difficult to see him hanging out with others if he wasn't a regular part of my life, even if it wasn't in the same way we were. I have a feeling he'd have done so anyway.

Having Stephen so far away would have been extremely difficult. I can't rationalize in my head how I went from one to the other, I just know that I knew when I called it off that it had been done for a while and we just hadn't seen it that way. What about when Mae returned? What of our relationship then? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Weird #2:
I had a good job that paid well, friends I loved and a city I adored. I left it. I already realized this and knew what I was doing when I left it. However, it sunk in a little more on Saturday, probably because I now have to give up insurance since I don't have the money to keep up with it. Why, I asked myself, did I leave? I thought of everything I had and what I was able to do. All my clothes were generally not cheap, the products I bought the shoes I loved were not inexpensive. I left this for a life where I didn't know what I would be able to do, didn't know how I'd be living.
I could see why people thought I was crazy for leaving, especially so suddenly.

The thing is, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I knew that staying in Portland was not only prolonging what I wanted to do but would make me miserable. Don't misunderstand me, it's not like I hated it and didn't have friends who turned into family and a good job I liked. I would be miserable because of 2 very good reasons: the death throws of my marriage and not being with Stephen.

My marriage was done, I knew that. We had changed and had been arguing for quite some time before I came to Lexington for a visit and fell in love with one of my best friends, Stephen. When I went back I was miserable not so much because I wasn't near Stephen, but because my marriage was still a mess. The couples therapy didn't help and Da5id's want to be with Mae also didn't help. I know I let him be with her, but I let him because I didn't want to have to ask him to stay. He would be staying because I asked him and not because he wanted to be there. That I thought that was a point of arguement with Da5id as he thought that my asking him should be enough. I just... didn't and still don't agree with that. I knew then that it was over and I knew what I had to do. I knew that the death throws had started a while back, as was quite evident from the nonstop fights and crying fits. When I called it, I knew this and I accepted it. Then I knew what I had to and wanted to do. Move to Lexington.

A while back I left a good paying job to work at Trader Joe's. The money was a little above minimum wage and the days were odd. Yes, it didn't help my finances and I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I had done so because I hated having a job that I was eh about just because I made good money. I remembered that I had done so because the happiest I was was when I was working at Tower Records for not much money. I'd rather be happy than have a high paying job. Silly? Maybe. Still, it's what I prefer.

I was starting to dislike my job in PDX because it was ok in the makes me happy field and provided me with flexibility and nice people to work with. Still, it wasn't me. No matter what happens here, what sort of job I get, I want to be happy in it and I also want to be able to pay my bills.

I'm still going through the death throws of my 10 year relationship with Da5id. Mostly because it was 10 years and I don't know what our next evolution is, how to still have him in my life as he's been such a big part of it. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret ending it. We are both happier apart, yet I still hold some pain and bitterness that I have to get through from all the things that went on since sometime around January or perhaps earlier.

Stephen... Stephen I adore. We've been friends for so long and understood the crazy parts, our actions and decisions. Being free have the option to love another person and being able to take our relationship to that next level allowed us to progress. I don't see it as leaving Da5id for Stephen because I tried very hard to keep Da5id and me together and make it work. I believed that we could. In the end, we could not.

I'm happy now. Despite the hard times, no job, and having to give up medical insurance, I'm still very happy. Maybe that's because of Stephen and then again maybe not. All I know is that he makes me happy and he makes me feel right and whole... and home.

Weird, that.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Last night...

Tracy introduced me to this...

The Mockingbird Song from Katy Towell on Vimeo.

... and I ADORED it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Screwed Part the Deuce

Well kids, get ready for more rantings and ravings from the overground.

I will be off my meds as of next month. I just can't afford insurance anymore.