Reconciling Saints

1) Suicide interventions SUCK ASS... especially when you're in the middle of packing and moving. Last night's attempt at the packing = FAIL!

2) Just because I yell at you (if that's how you see it) and I'm blunt with you does NOT mean I'm not your friend. I expect it from you when I'M being a dumb ass so why not the other way around???

3) If you're looking to have a good time when we all gathered to talk about a suicide attempt you're NUTS! Even if you figured we'd talk about it first and THEN have a grand old time, that's seriously stupid.

4) If you get mad at me because I/ we didn't allow #3 to happen, you have no leg to stand on!

5) I should not go on to gulp down 2 double vodka tonics and smoke half a pack (3/4 of a pack??? ) of Nat Sherman's thereafter.

Ugh!

If you say you're going to commit suicide, you better be DAMN sure you follow through with it or I will personally go over there and make sure you do it properly!

Actually... no, no good news. I was just using it a la the Professor in Futurerama where it's always followed by bad news for the crew.

I'm being diagnosed ... they're looking into a possible diagnosis??? ... for ADD. Common for bipolar... but guess what?! MORE MEDS!

I wish they'd just prescribe MDMA and call it good.

ALSO! Today is one of those days when I want to go home from work. I was done with it by 9:30am.

Some of you may have already gotten this rant so just skip the next 3 paragraphs.

I had left a sample on Mark's (one of the guys here) desk about what he thinks of the invitation to our open house. I made it simple and I was playing with fonts. He wasn't here when I was doing this nor when I dropped it off so I couldn't explain to him about how it was just a thought and the font wasn't EVEN set as I just grabbed one to fuck with the wording. ALLLLLL he could go on about today was the font so I told him how that wasn't set, I had grabbed any font since I just wanted an opinion on layout etc. I told him I'm still playing with it and I would take the one I used out of the running, that his thoughts were noted. He goes on to explain WHY the font doesn't work etc. I TOLD YOU I WOULD CHANGE IT!

Katheryn our accountant then decides to talk to Jim, one of the other guys here, right around the corner from me about what she thinks I should do. Apparently yesterday as she was leaving, the elevator wasn't locked. I hadn't locked it as it was ONLY 3 when I left and there were 5 people in the office. I know they all at least have instructions on how to do it, if not know how to do it. NOT ONLY THAT but I had no time to lock it as I was running to catch the MAX because I was late bsince SHE wanted me to install some software for her and talk to tech support about how to do it, despite the fact that I told her I could do it on my own. ANNNNNDDDDDD she knows how to lock the fucking elevator! I specifically gave her instructions and saw her write them down in her planner along with other instructions as to how to get into the building. She wants me to write them down for her again because GOD FORBID she look them up! This was followed by Mark popping out of his office asking me to please post the how to-s on locking/ unlocking the elevator near the elevator door. THEY ALL GOT THE FUCKING INFO ON ALL THIS IN A PACKET I MADE WHEN WE MOVED! PRINT THE FUCKER OUT!

The guy who commented on M's fachaybook about how he thinks coffee is disgusting after she had said that she loves coffee... I wanted to punch in the face! Who says that?! Keep your god damn opinions about what you think is disgusting when a person says they like something. He can go fuck him self in the ass with a chainsaw! I almost replied to him about how that was rude.

FUCK YOU MAN!

Not to mention that yesterday??? My cute little oddly cut plaid skirt??? Katheryn said... "How cute! Your skirt... did you make it yourself by cutting a hole in a table cloth?"

*blink*

>>twitch<<

Do people think it's OK to be rude in a... seemingly ok way??? (I really don't know how else to word that... Perhaps Cedric can help)

I'm SOOOO tempted to just give them the rundown about the bipolar diagnosis and how I can't take this shit right now. I'm tempted to tell them so that perhaps they try to not be a 5 year old and to do something on their own as well as so that I can leave RIGHT NOW without any complaints or other explanations. It will also explain my lack of focus lately, which is what has led to the ADD diagnosing.

*breathes*

Not to mention that my period has put me in an irritable mood that is just exacerbating(That's a big word for an 8 year old!) the situation.

I NEEEEEDDDD a trust fund... or to win the lottery... or just enough money to head to KY to join Stephen in his drinking binge.

I'll keep you posted if I do happen to cut a bitch...

/rant

Today is an odd day. I find myself in a position where I could teeter either way, but mainly I'm back to my instinct to just fight it.

There is a way out. I will find a way to do this... and by this I mean LIVE!

Just one more time... I'd like to be myself...

Times like this, I don't feel like I have been. Then again... maybe I'm just holding on to the person that was... the person that keeps trying to be who she was.

Tonight I don't care.

I want to do all the stupid things I used to... and I want to do them for the same reason I've always done them.

Right now, however, I have no one to be my accomplice.

Stephen's drinking away at a bar with friends. It's almost 2am where he is. I called him, but do you know how hard it is to talk to someone when you're at a bar??? Yeah, I wasn't going to make him do that.

Tonight the manic is creeping in perhaps... but I don't blame anyone, I just know that this will happen and that I just have to ride it and go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep!

I want to go out... and drink and talk and smoke. I want to do all those things that you're not supposed to because it's too late and you have work tomorrow and it's better to not drink that much and to not be hung over in the morning.

If it wasn't for the fact that there was no one to do this with, I'd be out.

EVERYONE is in early. EV.RY.ONE! ...and yes I know there's an "e" missing in there.

Why isn't anyone up to talk about life, the universe and everything?!

I'd go back to M's but she's probably asleep or falling asleep. The boyo was passed out on the bed when I got home and I don't know anyone else well enough to know if they're up or not.

There's no one to play with! There's no one to go to the bar with... no one's place to hang out at. YES! These are things I sometimes need. YES! I want more.

Is that so hard to understand??? I don't understand it when people can't push past to keep living... manic Ceci does not get that. She's also not getting the night she wants of talking and drinking and possibly smoking. She's even resorted to calling someone who probably doesn't want anything to do with her. Well, I was hoping she'd be up as I don't know anyone else with my sleep habits. Ah well.

This always happens when I hear a good album... I blame James.

Damnit... everyone is sleeping! Y'all suck.

I'm lonely. I'm pissed off. This sucks. I want some fun.

"Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it."
Mary Kay Blakely


Then there's my other favorite:

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you”
Margaret Atwood

I have 2 friends who... for better or for worse... are getting a divorce.

Strike that... I have more than that, but the other ones are for a lot of good reasons and they have tried and been through their own trials and tribulations.

...

Then again, maybe I'm too close to the current problem to know that maybe it IS for all the right reasons. The only thing I can say about this one and what went wrong is that there was a communication breakdown. They never learned to communicate and through it solve their problems/ express to each other what was needed. So after about a year+ of this problem, it's all gone to shit.

There are 2 BIG reasons that this one particular parting of ways bothers me:
- They ADORE each other. Never had I heard anyone go on so fully about how happy they never thought they'd be in a marriage and how awed they were by how much they had found in this new life. For him, a reason to live (there are those of us who never thought we'd see 30 or beyond) and for her, a match that compliments her.
- I've been through this almost exact situation with the boyo and not only survived it, but learned lessons about us and myself. Mistakes happen and if it means enough and you're both strong enough, you can survive it.

I've resigned myself to the fact that they have both fucked this up enough that there is a 1% chance that their marriage can survive it. This is one of the heartbreak stories, in my opinion, but I do firmly believe that if they learn their lessons from this ordeal, they can be better and stronger for it as individuals. I don't believe that there's just ONE person for everyone like I used to when I was a kid. I do believe that there are certain people that come into our lives that are worth holding on to. If we can't then it's sad, but like I said, hopefully we can learn that lesson. Down the road we might be able to apply what we've learned from that and be happier for it.

Today, however, I mourn the death of this marriage... which, I must say, is odd for me to do since I do understand that life is change.

DUCK!

...

then pick them up and use the ones that didn't splatter for your vodka.

It's funny, the ups and downs of life and how one copes with it all. There are times when I let the lemons get to me bruises and all. I have to remind myself that last week or maybe yesterday or even the last hour brought good things. It can be difficult or it can be easy... it's mostly up to me.

Let me tell you, sometimes... and especially when you can't seem to catch a break in the more life affecting things... sometimes it's really hard!

Today's Life Lemons came from the colleges and universities that Da5id has applied to/ is applying to for nursing school. They changed their requirements. What does this mean??? Unless Da5id takes 3 more classes and gets As in all (while working his job), there's no h-way he's getting into nursing school.

What does that mean??? He has to go the long way around, which involves getting into a similar program for his bachelor's degree then taking 2 more years for nursing.

Really????

Ugh.

To counteract that I'm going to give you the good things in life, 'cause I have to remember them:
- ALLLLLL my friends new and old
- moving in with Cedric and M
- my ever growing and increasing love life... that boyo and I are just doing wonderfully
- a Bar on each floor!
- my new iPhone (thank you work!)
- a new battery for Eddie the Shipboard Computer
- David's introduction of The xx to me and mine
- Getting Hobbies...
- Being able to play World of Warcraft AND have a social life! HA! Take that boyo!
- Duckett's
- BBQ-offs
- dreaming positively of future plans

*grabs a slice of lemon and squeezes it into her vodka *