Monday, March 22, 2010

Get the picture?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

© londonsquared 2009

As excited as I am about London, Paris and Annecy, I can't help but think about my trip almost exactly a year ago to... well, about the same places (minus Annecy).

This year I won't miss Stephen in Europe (seriously just missed him last year - he flew in just as I was flying out) and Amander might go.

However, there will be people missing. Well, in some cases they might have been missing anyway.

This year there's no Amandazon (not to be confused with the aforementioned Amander). This year there's no Liz nor Kat.

Here's the thing... even if they were going, I would not be having a fun time with them. I mean, it's not like I would snub anyone, but Stephen and Amandazon are now divorced, Liz hates me and Kat has stopped talking to me.

Sad, yes.

The thing is, despite trying to prevent some of these things (well, obviously not the Stephen/ Amandazon thing... ok, I DID try), it's... just... odd. Odd, how fast things can change. That's life, though. The big moments happen in a blink of an eye - a good intention gone wrong, a blast of uncontainable anger. Forgiving isn't always an option, apparently. I don't quite understand that, however, my therapist said that I just have to understand that some people have things that are unforgivable to them.

So, to friends lost and, although missed, let go, I dedicate this song in honor of good times had last year.

"Oh who put all those cares inside your head
You can't live your life on your deathbed
And it's been such a lovely day
Let's not let it end this way"

Perhaps these things happen because I can't control the crazy well enough. Perhaps I am fucked when it comes to relationships. I dunno, I just know that I'm trying and don't think...I think... that I'm any harm to people.

Maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know.

© londonsquared 2009

"If a prayer today is spoken please offer it for me
when the bridge to heaven is broken and I'm lost on the wild, wild sea... "

~ Sting~

Edited March 22nd, 2010:

Well it seems that the update is that Liz is going.

This is going to be hard... it does hurt to see her, mainly because she's a lost friend and she won't believe me.

Back to the original plan, which really isn't so bad. At least Stephen said he'd be my buffer any day! ;)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My life currently...

Edited on Thursday March 18, 2010:
So... for those who don't know, I fell down the stairs about a week and a half ago. I've been in on and off again pain and, although it SEEMED like I was getting better, I overdid it and strained my back again.

Tuesday night I could barely sleep because it hurt to move if I changed positions and I had to take 2 muscle relaxers to knock me out. When I woke up yesterday, it hurt to get up, it hurt to move around... basically it just hurt. I stayed home after some coercing (ok, very little coercing) by M and it was a good thing too! I took a muscle relaxer and about an hour or so later I was not feeling much and very tired. I woke up around 12:30pm and got up and talked with Cedric some. He made lunch and I took some Naproxen with my food (like ya do), however, around the time of this post, the muscle relaxer wore off completely and it hurt if I moved positions on the couch. I had to admit that, although the spirit was willing, the flesh was broken. :(

So despite how I felt, I had to admit to myself that the boyo was right and that I have to go into a period of unwanted abstinence.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

So I'm not the girliest of girls. Often times, I can be found with many a bruise and skinned knees. Also, some times (most times?) I choose sleep in lieu of appearance. The bruises, skinned knees, and lack of motivation in my appearance can get to me.

I like that I don't care, but on days like today I think, "Gads! I wouldn't fuck me unless I was my last choice!"

I've been sort of broken for about a little more than a week now. In my clumsiness that causes most of the aforementioned bruises, I fell halfway down our stairs. Owe! Thankfully there was nothing major broken, I was just very badly bruised.

I badly need a shag but I feel QUITE unshaggable.

It's been about 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! That's a bit more than I'd like. The boyo's been busy and I've not really done much in trying to make things any better, so that leaves me feeling... Meh!

I'm hyper-sexual. How much of it needs to be... released, I'm not sure of. Sometimes I wonder if I should reign it in or even try to. Other times I'm of the opinion that I need to get what I need. Generally, it's a means of communication, of love and of trust - no matter who. I like to feel and sometimes that means more than just emotions or hugs.

Maybe it's touch deprivation in that sense - in the sexual sense.

It's possible.

Whatever it is, I feel a need to connect and to feel wanted, loved and close. There are days when I would love to do nothing more than this. Those days I contemplate any person that passes by. However, I learned my lesson a long time ago that that doesn't give me what I want. It looks good on paper, but when executed it's always a mess!

I had dreams about boys last night. Of flirting and getting to know people. Of preening to show just how much better than anyone else there I was, and owning it. It was nothing hot nor steamy; there was no kissing nor sex. There was just that hint of electricity in the air and the longing for the shock, the closeness, the touches.

The feeling never left.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Well! It seems that my issues are going away. *knock on wood* Let's hope that that wasn't a one time fluke! Haven't slept that soundly in a while! Well, aside from the having to get up and pee in the middle of the night, as per usual.

So ever since I let go of people/ situations, I've been much happier. Mainly I understood that I can't change the way people see things/ understand things and they will always believe what they want to believe. In all fairness, it's what I expect from others, so to do otherwise would be hypocritical. I had to walk away, no matter how dear friends were to me and how much I wanted them to understand the why-s and what-s.

C'est la vie, non?

Things here are going very well. The boyo's happy despite his ridiculous job (it's crazy how much like Office Space it is!). I think mainly what has him maintaining a happy outlook is that relationship wise everything is going well! Family, me, Mae, friends... all just grand! Social life is on the up and that keeps him sane.

Me? I'm in the same boat with the boyo outside of work but work itself is still good here! *knock on wood again* Everyone's just grand! I'm conspiring/ planning my trip to France/ London at the end of April with London and Stephen. I'm sooooo looking forward to it. It'll be fun to wreak some havoc in France with Stephen, me thinks and it'll be great to see London again so soon. Mind you, that does not mean that there aren't other people I'm dying to see as well as being quite excited about Maile and Tim's wedding. Reconnecting with Amander and also getting together so soon after the last trip will be good.

Ah love. It hurts you, it helps you and it weaves its way through everything. I wouldn't trade any of these past and current experiences I've had for the world. So many connections and reconnecting with what I've always know was how I work/ think/ love/ feel has certainly heightened my sense of understanding myself as well as how others fit in my life.

I do know more about love and life than I did before. Learning how it fits and what it means in my relationships (all forms of them) is an ongoing and eye opening process. Having opened myself to what is true to me allows a better understanding of how I love and show it. Because of this, my relationships with those I love are better and stronger for it.