Monday, December 2, 2013

Zero control

Sometimes I just want to say, 
"I'm really am a good person... even with all my flaws. I'm just... trying."

~Anais Nin~

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

So I'm starting something new. Something has set me to start again, to get myself going in a new direction of what I want to achieve - of what I'm capable of achieving. I've learned a lot in the past couple of months. I'll have to say that, thus far, 37 has started a revolution... and none too subtlety.
In thinking back to past actions and relationships, I can see my bad habits… and I'd like to right those bad habits. I’m not doing myself any favors otherwise, and I should be pretty damn important to me.
So! I’ve decided I’m going to promise myself/ hold true a few (… or 10) things:
  1. I promise to never go home early/ not do something just because I'm concerned as to whether or not my boyfriend is having a good time. I would stick around if it was the other way 'round. When I have before, I've generally found that I can enjoy it, especially by just letting go and letting be. I mean, Hell! I put myself in the situation!*
  2. I will stop working myself into a tizzy.  If I'm not happy with it, I need to talk about, get over it, or say no. Simple.
  3. I control me. I have final say on what I choose to do… or not do… and what I am willing to put up with. PATEOTS!**
  4. I will remember that I know I am self-reliant. I am not some damsel in this dress,*** therefore I will not feel dismissed if I don't get the help that I never asked for (see also work-myself-into-a-tizzy). I can do it myself; I didn't want, ask, or need the help. Just because person A doesn't offer to help me do B does not mean one should be second guessing their loyalty/ reliability. If I haven't asked for help when I do need it and I don't get it, it's no one's fault but my own; people can't read my mind no matter how well they know me.****
  5. I will be wooed and I will be loved. Anything less is inexcusable. I need to love me enough to know that I'm worth someone loving me just as much as I love me… and them... if they're lucky.
  6. I'm not a doormat.
  7. I promise to hold my partner responsible for the other half of the partnership, illness and special circumstances excluded (limited time offer).
  8. That being said… I promise not to try to hold up all of the partnership. I will ask for help when I need it and not just expect it (see the bit about people not reading my mind).  One cannot and should not do it all by one’s self… not in the long run, anyway.
  9. I promise to keep the knowledge of how awesome I am with me at all times. Certain exclusions apply for humility when necessary and/ or called for.
  10.  I promise that the one thing I know is that I don't know everything. I will continue to learn and remember that learning can come from anywhere, even the person that seems to be the dumbest person I know.*****

* When the Trash Can Sinatras came ‘round from Scotland on tour in 2005 (they hadn’t toured the US since ‘91? ‘92?), I went to see them at the Troubadour. The guy standing next to me and the Five guy listened to me babble in giddy excitement about all that and later handed me a sticker to go backstage with. I politely declined saying I had to work early (I did) and really needed to go to bed… AS IF THAT WOULD EVER STOP ME OTHERWISE! Dumbest. Thing. Ever! All because I was “concerned” about Fivey’s time… and boredom level.
** Period At The End Of The Sentence!
*** When I was a kid, that's what I thought the saying the distressed damsel was always in a dress... I figured it was just a take on women being weak. [[shrugs]]
****Some exclusions apply
*****See above.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Limbo Zamba

I'm sorry I've been quiet. It's just that... things are quiet. Not in a boring way, really, more like in a... listening, I guess, way.

There is too much on my mind, too many things that I need to focus on that everything else falls to the wayside. I wish I had time to talk it all out with you, but there's just so much and I really need to basically keep on moving so that I don't stall. 

Well, maybe I wouldn't stall... maybe I'd just take a nap for a while. Who knows? Still, I don't want to take that chance. 

Isn't it funny how everything changes in a minute?... a second? 

This is why I am usually so big on short stories; they focus on that moment in time when something snapped, ripped, changed.

Except I want to know more about this life and not just that moment. I want to know if something more comes of it all and if she moves or if he becomes bigger, better, greater than. 

Time has restarted, so to speak, and it's a bit like a do-over. 

There's a stop, a click, a turn, and reset. 

Then silence... and thinking... and finding... and maybe a little writing. 

This reminds me of the year that I lost my words. Except, this time I'm trying to get it right and not just let them S... l... i...p...... through my fingers and into 
                                                                                                               thin air 

but have them land         softly, 

even                      mess                                                    ily


on paper and screen.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013



I like to watch House. I like to watch House a lot.
It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone on Saturday, before I start doing the 101 things that I've told myself that I have to accomplish. It's the one little thing that I allow myself to do that brings me pleasure on days by myself. Sometimes I gorge on it, though, then I end up feeling upset at myself because I was lazy or whatever, and I didn't do what I wanted to/ thought I should do.
What I like about watching House isn't that it allows me to just do what I want to do (i.e. veg out in front of the TV), but I also like the way the story is told. There's the story of the episode… and then there's the underlying story of House... and how the lessons are learned from that particular story of that episode, affecting the major story of House. You know, the lives of those in the show, how they're getting on, and the choices that they make day to day. 
Huh... oddly, I've been focusing so long on just the story of my life... that I forgot about how the framework goes. I'm not sure how to put that… but follow me on this one.
Recently I started working on a comic with Stephen. By recently and working on, I mean we've been talking about it and batting around ideas/ stories/ drawings. We found an overall...framework, I guess... to help us tell a larger story, which will allow for the smaller telling of stories in the meantime. The large story is comprised of smaller stories that have led the characters to where they are now.
For so long I've been saying that what I like to write are the small stories that change our lives, and I haven't really done so. I forgot that those changes happen... or can happen in such minutia, that I got stuck trying to tell about the bigger moment. Those happen fewer... and farther between. Yes, they happen in a second; one moment you're married and then 15 minutes later, you’re on your way to being separated… with divorce in the not-so-far distance. 
Hey, it costs a lot of money, yo!
Are you happier for it? Is it earth shattering? Is there a way to stop it… and should you? These are all things that make for a good story. I like that about life... it's also what I like about writing. Following these experiences and shaping the framework... and maybe learning something through it. 
Maybe that's the problem I've been having with my life. I forgot that lessons are little? I've been trying to get to the ending from where the character/ story started without the middle part... and the middle part is SO important. That's the good stuff. It's not all about the ending. Generally I get an idea and I think, “Ok, now I have to figure out how to get her from having a dream to her attaining it and becoming a famous movie star." Maybe she just finds that right place for her... OR maybe we just see the struggle. 
Things are messy... stories are messy. You gotta let it end where it ends.
Maybe there are no wrong answers, exactly... maybe if we don't get to where we think we should be, or don't attain the goal we wanted, that's ok. Maybe where we end up is ok. Well, unless we end up homeless and a junkie or... just dead...or a junkie and dead. Yes, there are wrong choices, but you still have a choice to stay that way, or to change it.
All this time I’ve been trying to force an ending, my happily ever after, while maybe I just have to see where all this takes me while trying to reach a goal, and be ok if that goal changes.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

You know, I have been trying to do something with this blog since 2007. Before I got this one, I had a livejournal (and technically I still "have" it, I'm just not really... using it), and before that, I played around with making one myself. You know, back before it became a big deal.

None of those have really worked. Well, I suppose for me, in a sense they have... but they never really went the way that I wanted them to and I wasn't able to clearly manifest what I saw in my head. In the end I kept blogging because I like one of the side effects, that of being able to keep in touch with my friends far and wide. 

I dunno.
I like having a blog when I do something with it. Mostly, it satisfies my need to write and get something out; my methadone for the lack of actual publication.

Mainly, I have a hard time giving up on it because it's been one of many things I've tried... and I think if I just keep plugging away enough, one day I'll get it. One day, I'll know what it is that works for me.

So, hi again.

Friday, May 10, 2013


I'm attempting to write about what I'm passionate about, and that is my bipolar disorder.
This is as far as it's going to get, isn't it?

... and that's perfect! Except for the bit that's crap. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Camp NaNo starts today

So I'm back to working on Clara a little more... daily.

"Seems I keep getting the story twisted
So where's Neil when you need him?"

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Saga Continues

First... I need a picture. You know, something for inspiration.

Hold on.

Also, I need a new computer... or maybe a typewriter (see above). Half the keys don't work on this one and now it's running QUITE slowly. I also have to annoyingly SMASH the spacebar in order to get any spaces between the words. 

However, that's beside the point.

I've been working on the book... or whatever... since NaNoWriMo in November. I'm trying to get it just right, but something is just not coming together. Part of it has to do with rewriting it to find the right voice. With a narrator, it seems too distant, too boring, but when I try to tell it through Clara, it feels a bit forced because, well, I'm not used to thinking like an 8-12 year old.

It's been slow going, to say the least.

So here I am, trying to find a voice and a way to pull the story together, shape it up a little bit.

Sometimes, though, sometimes it just seems EXCEPTIONORDINARILY hard. That's a word I learned from the Clarice Bean books. I highly recommend them for some light reading.

Sunday night I went a bit bonkers... well, a bit more than usual... and I felt like it was all for nothing, a story that wasn't a story... and not very good, at that. I felt like a phony, a charlatan, and I convinced myself that there was nothing for me in writing.

Still, somehow I can't give up. I wish someone would just tell me I'm horrible at it and I should take up something more useful... like stamp collecting, say.

Until then, I'm afraid I'm going to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship between me and my writing.

Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called... writing. 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Terrible Things

I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with old things that I just need to let go and the flashbacks that come with them. I find it akin to having to vacuum up the remnants of a mess you've mostly cleaned up... the key word being, "mostly."

Sometimes, though, when I'm doing such work... I can't help but feel like a monster... or a very mean kitty!

All of the things that I've done  
Terrible would never believe  
Things that I've done  
Oh how you'll run  
If you knew a single one  
All of the things that I've done

Friday, January 4, 2013


Sometimes my fingers feel too light and part of me panics. 

Shouldn't there be a ring there? 

So I look down and clutch my hand, scanning the ground briefly. A quick thought passes, zings through me like lightning, and I'm wondering if it fell off or if I may have misplaced it.

Actually looking at that finger, bare as it's been for these past 2+ years, I remember, 
"That's right, I don't have that anymore."