Monday, December 2, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
- I promise to never go home early/ not do something just because I'm concerned as to whether or not my boyfriend is having a good time. I would stick around if it was the other way 'round. When I have before, I've generally found that I can enjoy it, especially by just letting go and letting be. I mean, Hell! I put myself in the situation!*
- I will stop working myself into a tizzy. If I'm not happy with it, I need to talk about, get over it, or say no. Simple.
- I control me. I have final say on what I choose to do… or not do… and what I am willing to put up with. PATEOTS!**
- I will remember that I know I am self-reliant. I am not some damsel in this dress,*** therefore I will not feel dismissed if I don't get the help that I never asked for (see also work-myself-into-a-tizzy). I can do it myself; I didn't want, ask, or need the help. Just because person A doesn't offer to help me do B does not mean one should be second guessing their loyalty/ reliability. If I haven't asked for help when I do need it and I don't get it, it's no one's fault but my own; people can't read my mind no matter how well they know me.****
- I will be wooed and I will be loved. Anything less is inexcusable. I need to love me enough to know that I'm worth someone loving me just as much as I love me… and them... if they're lucky.
- I'm not a doormat.
- I promise to hold my partner responsible for the other half of the partnership, illness and special circumstances excluded (limited time offer).
- That being said… I promise not to try to hold up all of the partnership. I will ask for help when I need it and not just expect it (see the bit about people not reading my mind). One cannot and should not do it all by one’s self… not in the long run, anyway.
- I promise to keep the knowledge of how awesome I am with me at all times. Certain exclusions apply for humility when necessary and/ or called for.
- I promise that the one thing I know is that I don't know everything. I will continue to learn and remember that learning can come from anywhere, even the person that seems to be the dumbest person I know.*****
Labels: Bipolar, Bringing Ceci Back
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Labels: A Softer World, in between, Silence, Writing
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Labels: House, How is this my life, life lessons, Writing
Saturday, June 8, 2013
You know, I have been trying to do something with this blog since 2007. Before I got this one, I had a livejournal (and technically I still "have" it, I'm just not really... using it), and before that, I played around with making one myself. You know, back before it became a big deal.
None of those have really worked. Well, I suppose for me, in a sense they have... but they never really went the way that I wanted them to and I wasn't able to clearly manifest what I saw in my head. In the end I kept blogging because I like one of the side effects, that of being able to keep in touch with my friends far and wide.
I dunno.
I like having a blog when I do something with it. Mostly, it satisfies my need to write and get something out; my methadone for the lack of actual publication.
Mainly, I have a hard time giving up on it because it's been one of many things I've tried... and I think if I just keep plugging away enough, one day I'll get it. One day, I'll know what it is that works for me.
So, hi again.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Another long night of writing... (which is actually short because I cycle quickly!)
0 comments Posted by Ceci Virtue at 5:17 PM
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Labels: Bipolar, Wainting for Amanda, Writing
Monday, April 1, 2013
So I'm back to working on Clara a little more... daily.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
First... I need a picture. You know, something for inspiration.
Hold on.
However, that's beside the point.
I've been working on the book... or whatever... since NaNoWriMo in November. I'm trying to get it just right, but something is just not coming together. Part of it has to do with rewriting it to find the right voice. With a narrator, it seems too distant, too boring, but when I try to tell it through Clara, it feels a bit forced because, well, I'm not used to thinking like an 8-12 year old.
It's been slow going, to say the least.
So here I am, trying to find a voice and a way to pull the story together, shape it up a little bit.
Sometimes, though, sometimes it just seems EXCEPTIONORDINARILY hard. That's a word I learned from the Clarice Bean books. I highly recommend them for some light reading.
Sunday night I went a bit bonkers... well, a bit more than usual... and I felt like it was all for nothing, a story that wasn't a story... and not very good, at that. I felt like a phony, a charlatan, and I convinced myself that there was nothing for me in writing.
Still, somehow I can't give up. I wish someone would just tell me I'm horrible at it and I should take up something more useful... like stamp collecting, say.
Until then, I'm afraid I'm going to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship between me and my writing.
Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called... writing.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with old things that I just need to let go and the flashbacks that come with them. I find it akin to having to vacuum up the remnants of a mess you've mostly cleaned up... the key word being, "mostly."
Sometimes, though, when I'm doing such work... I can't help but feel like a monster... or a very mean kitty!
All of the things that I've done
Terrible things...you would never believe
Things that I've done
Oh how you'll run
If you knew a single one
All of the things that I've done
Labels: April Smith, Music, Writing
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sometimes my fingers feel too light and part of me panics.
Shouldn't there be a ring there?
So I look down and clutch my hand, scanning the ground briefly. A quick thought passes, zings through me like lightning, and I'm wondering if it fell off or if I may have misplaced it.
Actually looking at that finger, bare as it's been for these past 2+ years, I remember,
"That's right, I don't have that anymore."
Labels: Writing