Monday, April 21, 2014

I've thought of all sorts of reasons as to why Stephen drank so much - he was still reeling from and dealing with his divorce, he was rebelling and since she wasn't around it fell to me, he was self-medicating for the mental disorder that had yet to be diagnosed and couldn't be diagnosed due to lack of insurance.

Seriously, it's like a death knell, like you're branded, once you're diagnosed.

... but I digress.

Here I am having to deal with the reality that I am dating, I am in love with, an alcoholic. It's really very hard and scary for me. I mean, this is really happening? How did I get here, how did it come to this?

This is really happening.

Women and children first.

Too many details to confess. I was ready to leave in July, I had made my decision.

And then... the accident. Stay... or go now? Would I be that girl that left her boyfriend when he was down and out?
Can you believe she left him when he was recovering from surgery?! He lost the house, his car, his job...

That could have been me. There but for the grace of god go I.
Ummm ... wait...

I no longer cared if that would have been me. I didn't care if people thought I was a bitch for leaving... but I had to make that decision. Maybe despite my better judgement... I stayed.

I am the one who stayed.

It's hard... you know?? It's hard to stay when you were sooo ready to go. 

After the surgery, things were quiet... very quiet... and I was seething, not knowing what to do with the anger. I was ready to YELL! To EXPLODE! I was a volcano about to erupt. 
I... was Eyjafjallajökull. 

We came together because of it, and I have become all of it - ready to unleash the same force as it had, ready to stop travel, ready to divert this flight.

I've finally made peace with the fact that we don't always get answers as to what happened and why. I'm finally ok with that.


... but how will I relearn to go when I've lost my will to? How do I get back there when and if the time is right, before it's too late?

How does one leave after the decision to leave has been extinguished?

For the couple of you who reached out to see how I was doing after my last post, I thank you. It was very nice and I felt loved. I'm sorry for such short answers and I want to let you know that I'm fine. I would have said more and spoken with you at length but, for as much shit as was going on, there was also school. It's winding down so I'm swamped with projects and reading.

Things aren't at a crisis point, but I'm finally admitting, finally saying it all out loud and giving voice to everything that should have been before. I suppose I needed to learn to accept it, and sometimes, I'm still not quite there yet. 

I mean... this is really happening.. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

* This was a response to a friend's post from earlier today. It's the first time I've really talked about how things are with Stephen, outside of a couple of my close friends here. It's been... refreshing... to talk about it. So I wanted to post it here... because that's what Reconciling Saints is all about, isn't it?

A Reading From the Response of Ceci to the Paige

I have a boy with issues. Well, I’m pretty sure they ALL have issues… hell! WE all have issues… but I've come to see it 2 ways, depending on my mood:
1) You watch everyone parade their icks around and try to pick the least disgusting one
2) You try to see whose icks you can live with and vice versa… and there ALWAYS has to be a vice versa or it doesn't work.

I've never said this before... not here, and definitely not anywhere else, except maybe to my friend Tracy amidst the anonymity that comes from hanging out at a porn store. It's scary because it makes it real. Breathing air into those words by saying them out loud into the air... makes them real.

So my boy with issues doesn't always like to talk about his issues… unless alcohol… and with alcohol… oh BOY the issues! They come fast and heavy and there’s really no talking about them, just creating a soup of them that keeps pouring out of his mouth until he’s almost drowned himself in them… and alcohol.

However, without the alcohol… there’s waiting… and more waiting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now." Until …every once in a long while... yeah, yeah, there’s some talking… really good talking. Times like that, I see the boy that he is and could be… could be all the time. For those times… for that glimpse… I hang on, because I know what he is and I know what he’s capable of… and he’s brilliant, and caring, and scared like me, and just wants to be loved, just like me.

Except… and it’s always except… except he’s mostly waiting… and not getting… and "I don’t want to talk about that right now"… and "why do you have to always go and spoil the mood."

When’s enough? When is one so much more than the other, that I can’t hold on anymore?

The boyo has problems. When he drinks too much, he drinks too much. So he kind of doesn’t… until he gets tired of doesn’t-ing and he does… Lather, rinse, repeat.

He does it for me, though, the not drinking. He wants me around, he says, so he doesn't… but sometimes… sometimes the drinking wins. Not so much anymore, but sometimes.

He’s an addict. He replaced heroin with alcohol over 10 years ago… and I don’t know what he’ll replace alcohol with if he needs to, and maybe that’s why he can’t…. or doesn’t… or won’t.

Yes, I have a point, I swear... and here come that point!

I might have to leave one day.

One day, the one he wants most won't be me, and the one he can’t have, might win…  leaving me with lots of love that’s nowhere to go… and too many questions with very little answers.

It sucks!

And where you’re at … it sucks!

I don’t know that I could jump back in… I think I might have to take some me time… and just be. How do you get over someone you love because they don’t love you… because their addiction, per se, lies elsewhere? My heart will be breaking and I will have to learn to be by myself again… and to love me, again… and to remind me that I deserve ALL THE LOVE… just like I deserve ALL THE THINGS! Mostly, I'll have to learn to trust myself with me again... and to love me so much more, that I won't let anyone treat me like that again.

So that’s why I ask… or, not?

I've thought out my exit plan because I have to. Every day, I’m not sure what he’ll choose, and if I’ll have to make the decision that quickly. So I thought about it, drew it up, and practiced in my head. I hope I never have to use it, but I know that I can’t stay like that.

It seems like one would need to learn how to love one’s self again. Loving enough to leave… loving enough to not let one’s heart become so battered. Honestly, no one knows how to love you better than you do, and no one knows what you need better than you do. So perhaps you should date yourself for a while, because you need to learn to trust yourself again with you and trust that you’re not going to let anyone else hurt you... or at least try like hell! Maybe even forgive yourself, while you’re at it. Take yourself to a nice dinner… or a long walk… and listen, listen to what you have to say.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Sometimes I need a swift kick in the pants!

Well, a swift kick in the pants and a deadline...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question.
–Rainer Maria Rilke

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I'd like to say I'm sorry, Jim.

You were always nice to me, always thought of me with things like taking me to see Madness at the Troubadour, and I repaid you by allowing it all to happen. Some call it aiding and abetting. I didn't cause it, but I didn't help; I was an accessory. I was more concerned with my friend's needs than I was to yours... or even your marriage. It should not have happened like that.

Would it help if I told you she was going to do it anyway? That nothing I said would have changed much - didn't change much- save for the fact that she wouldn't have had an alibi?

I'm sorry for the betrayal, I'm sorry for my part in it. I was only trying to save her when she seemed so lost because she had always done the right thing... because she thought she had to be the Good Girl. I was trying to help her embrace her whole self - her true self - all of her, which include the bad bits. When we own up and embrace our faults and the ugly bits, then we can be happy because we can completely be ourselves. That's what I wanted for her; I wanted her to stop doing what she thought she was supposed to do and just be her.

... but not like that. Or rather, I knew you were a casualty of it and you had to be, ... but not like that.

For that, I'm sorry.

*A Choppy Yet Sincere Apology is a title of a Riverboat Gamblers song I actually find quite... true for my life. I wish I'd come up with such a good title for apologies I've had to make or will never actually make. You can find it here.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Zero control

Sometimes I just want to say, 
"I'm really am a good person... even with all my flaws. I'm just... trying."

~Anais Nin~

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

So I'm starting something new. Something has set me to start again, to get myself going in a new direction of what I want to achieve - of what I'm capable of achieving. I've learned a lot in the past couple of months. I'll have to say that, thus far, 37 has started a revolution... and none too subtlety.
In thinking back to past actions and relationships, I can see my bad habits… and I'd like to right those bad habits. I’m not doing myself any favors otherwise, and I should be pretty damn important to me.
So! I’ve decided I’m going to promise myself/ hold true a few (… or 10) things:
  1. I promise to never go home early/ not do something just because I'm concerned as to whether or not my boyfriend is having a good time. I would stick around if it was the other way 'round. When I have before, I've generally found that I can enjoy it, especially by just letting go and letting be. I mean, Hell! I put myself in the situation!*
  2. I will stop working myself into a tizzy.  If I'm not happy with it, I need to talk about, get over it, or say no. Simple.
  3. I control me. I have final say on what I choose to do… or not do… and what I am willing to put up with. PATEOTS!**
  4. I will remember that I know I am self-reliant. I am not some damsel in this dress,*** therefore I will not feel dismissed if I don't get the help that I never asked for (see also work-myself-into-a-tizzy). I can do it myself; I didn't want, ask, or need the help. Just because person A doesn't offer to help me do B does not mean one should be second guessing their loyalty/ reliability. If I haven't asked for help when I do need it and I don't get it, it's no one's fault but my own; people can't read my mind no matter how well they know me.****
  5. I will be wooed and I will be loved. Anything less is inexcusable. I need to love me enough to know that I'm worth someone loving me just as much as I love me… and them... if they're lucky.
  6. I'm not a doormat.
  7. I promise to hold my partner responsible for the other half of the partnership, illness and special circumstances excluded (limited time offer).
  8. That being said… I promise not to try to hold up all of the partnership. I will ask for help when I need it and not just expect it (see the bit about people not reading my mind).  One cannot and should not do it all by one’s self… not in the long run, anyway.
  9. I promise to keep the knowledge of how awesome I am with me at all times. Certain exclusions apply for humility when necessary and/ or called for.
  10.  I promise that the one thing I know is that I don't know everything. I will continue to learn and remember that learning can come from anywhere, even the person that seems to be the dumbest person I know.*****

* When the Trash Can Sinatras came ‘round from Scotland on tour in 2005 (they hadn’t toured the US since ‘91? ‘92?), I went to see them at the Troubadour. The guy standing next to me and the Five guy listened to me babble in giddy excitement about all that and later handed me a sticker to go backstage with. I politely declined saying I had to work early (I did) and really needed to go to bed… AS IF THAT WOULD EVER STOP ME OTHERWISE! Dumbest. Thing. Ever! All because I was “concerned” about Fivey’s time… and boredom level.
** Period At The End Of The Sentence!
*** When I was a kid, that's what I thought the saying the distressed damsel was always in a dress... I figured it was just a take on women being weak. [[shrugs]]
****Some exclusions apply
*****See above.