Thursday, January 17, 2008

Day five of marriage...

it's weird because ... well... i'm married again...

the one who swore she would never ever ever be so closely tied to someone again


and here i am

and i think i'm very happy with this change of events

so...darling stephen decided that as a wedding gift, if we wanted to of course, he would bring out his tattoo stuff and give us whatever we wanted. He asked that we try to keep it to minimal colors but if we wanted more he'd do it. Da5id and I understood how difficult this could prove for Stephen with security and also how expensive it could be if he lost any of it or if he brought too much ink and they exploded.

So Da5id and I thought about it long and hard and we figured we'd get something that meant something to each of us, and since Stephen was being so kind, that we'd make sure it wasn't difficult and that it only consisted of a few colors... our favorite ones... black.. and blue


We wanted some thing that would commemorate the event without any specifics... something that would mean something to us.
I came up with mine first. I knew I wanted it to be something that had to do with my writing... at first I thought a typewriter key.. the #5 one... but that later turned into an ink bottle... for missing link ink. I wanted the label to have on it #5, for Da5id... because he is my ink... he is the one that helps fuel me and encourages me and stands by me. What that has to do with a wedding is everything... because he is the one that I'll be with ... he's the one that was right for me..that gave me all that I needed, even when I didn't know it.

London thought it would be funny if da5id got a quill ... very sexual... we giggled.
He likes to stick his quill in my inkwell. How fourth grade are we?!
When I told Da5id, he actually liked it... not just the... silliness London and I came up with, but he also liked that it made it... part of me... he enables me to do the things I love... so fittingly... and with a comment or 2 from Neely, Stephen and Da5id decided that the quill would go right through his lifeline, his EKG tattoo, and have some blue ink on it.

For me... for me, these also symbolize more than just a new beginning because now we're married, but also a new beginning because we're going to do all those things we said we'd do, and this is our year to do it.

This year is scary for me. Everything will be new, starting with this marriage.
In a few months we're stepping off the ledge and moving... where is not exactly known yet, but I'm quitting Trader Joe's and seeing where I go next. Da5id is trying to get into a school, which may or may not happen for the fall term... so hard to get into nursing school, who knew? Both of us are leaving a life where we are comfortable, if not fully satisfied, and have our friends, our family, around us. Kinda scary.

We decided to exchange our gifts, his gift to me and my gift to him, at the rehearsal dinner. Yes, we do like an audience. I'd been planning this for a long time and apparently Da5id only got the idea that week... but it's funny how similar they both were.

I asked Stephen for help on this a long time ago, and I had him pick out a great guitar for Da5id. I struggled with this a little because he also needs an aerostitch suit for the rain... but I didn't like the idea of giving him the gift of something practical, something he needed in the everyday. I thought that that was not what this marriage was about. I KNEW he wouldn't want me to get him a guitar, something he sold 3 years ago because it was the adult thing to do and how can one play a guitar in a studio apt? I begged him not to but he did. So, I decided I'd give him a new one... so that he couldn't refuse ... and to explain that I wanted him to keep on doing those things that people tell us that it's not practical for us to do. I wanted to enable him to do those things that he loves, even if it's not something that he NEEDS; although if you ask me, he NEEDS to play...just as I NEED to write because ... I just do.

What did he give me? He gave me a pen.
Now, anyone who knows me knows I ADORE pens... I've very very picky about my pens...and I promised myself that one day I would buy myself a VERY fancy, very expensive, fountain pen... and no, not the kind that needs a cartridge, 'cause that's cheating at scrabble, but the kind that you need to draw the ink from the ink bottle into. He said he wanted me to write, and he thought I needed the right kind of pen to do so with.

Funny, but I see these gifts and the meaning of the tattoos as new beginnings. This year, I step off the ledge because I will not let money be what stops me from doing what I want to do. What good is it if I'm usually too tired to do it? or to even spend time with Da5id? Not important; I'll find a way. I'm going to write more... and find inspiration in the new place we move to. I WILL throw myself into my passion...and I will look for a job that allows me to do so... and pays the bills...hehehe

For Da5id, I see him wanting to do more than just what we do now. Maybe he joins a band? Maybe he just fiddles on the guitar at home? I think it would be a good springboard for him to try to find other such things to do that will bring him great pleasure and passion.

That... ladies and gents... is my wish for this year... and what I foresee happening.

... and then


ok... so it would have been neat just to let this story end in a cliff hanger.
It's a great ending... well sort of... it's all overdone...

I TRULY meant to update after the big showdown, but I got so wrapped up in wedding things that... well I had no time.

we did get married

after I posted the last bit there...Da5id hung up and apologized for losing sight of what was important and for not listening to me. I was very upset so I was a bit reluctant to forgive him at first but he was sincere and I felt like it was a stupid reason to throw it all away. Maybe it was all the stress... or his pigheadedness and the stress. yeah... I vote the latter.


My favorite moment of the actual ceremony was this:

This was the part where... in all the nervousness, and aside from whatever Dr. Mr. Priester Bob was saying, all that could be heard was a very dramatic sigh escape from Ava our flower girl followed by a very loud comment of "This is so great!"

So yeah...

*jumps into the air and does a little foot kick*

Sunday, January 6, 2008

and YES

i do know that it's only one week 'til the wedding...but FUCK HIM

fuck him right in the ear

fuck this shit

yes... you heard me

fuck this shit

people have warned me that this would happen... that with all the stress, we're bound to go for each other's throats...

and here we are....
and mind you... it's not from my stressing... at least i don't think

since... wednesday? thursday? i've been freaking out... but da5id reminded me that we're tackling things... and he said " see? we're doing this here, and that there... and we'll have this done by tomorrow..." and then we started doing them... and i wasn't so scared anymore...
in fact... i think we've done a pretty good job of tackling the things that needed to get done. sure there's still stuff to ship.... but i can do that on monday and still be on time. no problem. in fact, i started feeling a little more in control of the situation... and i wondered how i'd get sleep since i was so hyped up about the coming week anyway.... and good thing because that will allow me the time to do these things... i can get them done now, after the late night when i work best.


for the past 2 nights i've been trying to communicate with da5id who's been edgy... frustrated... tired... all understandable... but tonight... i've had it. and i told him that i should have set up a final meeting with vanessa just about now to remind us of all the things that we have learned... of how to communicate 'cause i'm sure he's lost it and might be losing the skill all together.

so tonight... tonight was the first argument in a long time where i thought... well shit...maybe he doesn't get it.


i'm not afraid to walk away now... because i will NOT do this again... will not be with someone that cannot communicate with me... that does not see what he has in his hands.
...and sure it's a ticking time bomb...but it's precious! and unique! and won't explode if handled correctly...
i'm a volatile substance... so extreme care needs to be taken

thus far i'm having a hard time of it... and he's not getting it... and he's relying on me to do a lot of things which, shit! if he's so concerned about them, why the FUCK doesn't he do them himself?!

i mean, honestly?! who does he think he is? john?!

so here i am with a bad taste in my mouth of all the things that went wrong last time... and maybe i'm overreacting... but this is the WRONG time for him to forget everything we've learned from Vanessa.

and i WILL leave him... i'll fly to kentucky with amanda and stephen if need be. or stay in portland with kat...
but i won't do that again

and right now???
right now where is he whilst i'm in the middle of typing this?!
he's on the phone.. with his best friend giving him advice on his love life.


and wouldn't it be something if i just left?
right now?

bought a plane ticket to anywhere and vanished???

it's tempting, ladies and jellyspoons, it's tempting