Thursday, August 10, 2017

Bigger than us

I just want you to remember that I'm telling this story from the view point of two days later, so there's a lot interjected that I am able to add now that I know all of it.

Stephen had a psychotic breakdown on Tuesday.

He said he had vivid dreams that felt so real! he could feel the blood pouring down his veins and he wanted to rip them out (or at least that's how he described it to me).

He had been prescribed some antidepressants last Wednesday and started them on Thursday. This is not to say that the fault lies in that of the medication, really; there was a lot more there than we could see. I say this to highlight the fact that he knew he needed something more than how he'd been surviving up until now.

Brandy, I wish I had taken your observations as something bigger and I feel that I should have looked at it as such. Instead, I thought it was just something that would pass, something that I thought could be helped once he settled in; some fleeting byproduct.

I was never more wrong in my life.

Your observations were a sign of what was breaking down, of things to come... and I couldn't see it getting to where it has gotten now.

So, after much talking late Tuesday night, Tracy and I decided that we needed to present him with the option of checking himself in, of having himself committed.

When she did so Wednesday morning, he decided that this would be the best choice and that he had one of two choices... and he chose to battle. He was scared and he wanted something to change because what he was trying on his own wasn't working.

In short, he asked Tracy to drive him to the ER to get help. 

I think that's huge.

He's been battling depression since he was a teenager and had tried 2 other medications prior to this one, neither of which worked for him. His getting on antidepressants seemed like a huge step this time around. He was willing to accept that antidepressants had changed since way back when and so he tried a new one. Unfortunately, I feel, the time to only do that much for his mental health had passed.

The other factors that may or may not have lead him to this are unimportant to this post. Really, we'll never really know why it happened like it did so I don't see the point in driving myself nutty over all of it. The point is that he's where he is now and he made the decision to hold on a bit longer to try to look for better answers.

So you know, Stephen was placed on suicide watch for 72 hours as of 17:09 Wednesday evening in the psych ward of a local hospital. It is currently 01:28 on Friday and he will remain in the hospital until Saturday evening. The doctors are looking into other medications just to be sure but they don't feel that the medication really could have been the whole of the making of this. They've also advised him to check himself into an intensive psychiatric outpatient program. That... seems to very likely be where he'll end up after this. Quite. 

Me? I'm just sort of... thankful? he wanted to try these other options ... and also sort of numb... and shocked... but overall glad that he decided that he didn't want to be where he currently is mentally.

But really... I just want to use all that has brought me to where I am in my life to enable him to get to somewhere better than his "here." I've been there. I've survived this. I believe he can, too.

I believe in him.

And I feel like I'm breaking up
But I wanted to stay.
Headlights on the hillside
Don't take me this way.
I don't want you to hold me
I want you to pray,

'Cause it's bigger than us.

Lyrics and images from White Lies "Bigger Than Us"

***So, sue me for the dramatic images! This song just won't stay out of my head... and I kind of love the images in the video... which, also, Stephen loves, too. 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Here we go with the suicide topic again.

It's been kind of big in my life as of late. No, I don't mean me.

I wish I could tell you that it's something we had an answer for. I wish someone could tell me that there were answers for it. But there isn't.

All I know is that sometimes you can't save someone from themselves no matter how much support they have. Sometimes being there for that person, letting them know how much you love them, or how much you listen and try to guide them just isn't enough for them. All we can do is hope that the message gets through and that it's enough for them to keep up the battle to find the light they're not seeing.

It's scary. Even knowing all this, it's more than I can bear.

We always end up asking ourselves, is this something that I could have helped with? Unfortunately, the answer isn't always yes.

Nothing new, right?

I guess mainly I had to write this for me so that I can work through everything in my head in a sort of... logical way. It helps when I write. I may not come up with any answers and it may not help me feel happy again but it does help put it into perspective, I guess.

However, I have to remember that sometimes we are enough... friends, family, our support group... sometimes it does make a world of difference. Right now, I just hope it's enough.

Good luck out there guys. Life is brutal.