Friday, December 10, 2010

"I want to conquer a history for myself
I want to turn what I have learned
from my timeless downward-watching
into sustaining a hasty glance
a short shout, an acrid smell.
I've been outside long enough,
absent long enough,
out of the world long enough.
I'll enter the history of the world,
if only to hold an apple in my hand."

~Wim Wenders~
Wings of Desire

Monday, December 6, 2010

My dad sent this on to me... for inspiration, of course.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mine says

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "We cannot have any unmixed emotions," said
poet William Butler Yeats. "There is always something in our enemy that
we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike." I hope that's
OK with you, Taurus. In fact I hope you regard that as a peculiar blessing -
- as one of the half-maddening, half-inspiring perks of life on earth. The
fact is, as I see it, that you are in the thick of the Season of Mixed
Emotions. The more graciously you accept that -- the more you invite it
to hone your soul's intelligence -- the better able you'll be to capitalize on
the rich and fertile contradictions that are headed your way.

That sounds about right.

Times like these I go back and forth from feelings of being lost and not being able to believe what I'm doing... In a good way! There's so much I'm putting out there, putting of myself out there and damn the battering of the waves! It's fucking scary and fucking exhilarating all at the same time.

It's... It's finding out there's a Ceci without the things that, in a sense, made Ceci. I stepped away from everything and I'm a little amazed that I still remain. I think I always knew that, but it's quite something else to actually do it.

I've come to think of what I'm writing as Shards of Glass - as a title, that is. I tentatively entitled my "novel" Glass and currently all I'm getting are shards. Some are totally disconnected and have nothing to do with anything except trying to get me to the next point, to break through and continue to form the story.

Last night's writing was more of an experiment to spew everything that's in my head out so there are some sections that look a lot like this:

There are many ways that this story can go and sometimes, like those stories, I can be overwhelmed by choice. I remember a story I read that a classmate of mine in University had written where the characters were all standing around having a beer as the writer went out to have a drink trying to figure out what came next. At first I didn’t get it, but once the brilliance of the idea came across I had to wonder, did I just not get it or did he just not convey it properly? Both? I dunno, hard to say.

I leave my characters to sit and drink in lounges waiting for me to figure out what comes next all over the place. Perhaps there’s a bar that they’ve all made so that they could keep each other company.

The scene would be something like this:

Anastasia had been sitting in the parking lot forever waiting to see where it was she going to drive off to.

“Fuck it,” she declared, taking the keys out from the ignition and grabbing her things into her pockets. (I suppose stuffing her things into the pockets of her jackets, would be a more accurate way of putting it.)

She watched other patrons she vaguely knew or had heard of enter and exit the bar. Some were outside smoking as they were wont to do as, they could never figure out if the bar had actually allowed smoking in it or not. Laws came and went so quickly and the author had a penchant to change her mind that came and went at her whim.

She passed by a group standing next to the door and figured she’d check in on them later, if they decided to come in and hang out or leave.

On entering the bar, she spotted a seat that seemed to have been pre-cleared for her that night.

Maybe this was all pre-written too, she thought.

She took a seat and asked the bartender for a gin and tonic. Much like what she thought would be appropriate as that had been what she drank in those days.

“I’m Mike,” said a voice next to her.

She swiveled in her bar stool and directed herself at Mike.

“Mike? You’re Mike? Thee Mike,” and before he could answer, she said, “Nice to meet you.”

Mike looked in place and yet out of sorts. It was the only thing he could do as he was a non-character here in this world. He was an idea, a muse of sorts. He was inspiration.

“I know you but I don’t think we’ve met,” he said extending his hand.

She took a drink and shook his hand.

You I know well,” she nodded and drank again. “I seem to have a lot of lore on you.”

“Is this all based on what could have beens? Is this all based on things that She’d like to do? I’m not exactly understanding what’s going on here. I mean, is this all based on Her whims to leave or not? Stay and figure things out or change?”

“Pre-cisely!” Anastasia winked and took another sip.

“I’m a bit more of a legend around here as the my story wasn’t supposed to have a neat little ending. My story had only to do with my getting over you. You’re not in it of course, outside from my understanding and knowing of you. Well, and how you affect me.”

Mind you that's just me throwing up words on a screen so there's no editing that has been done to it. I just thought I'd put that out there so that you all knew I was still writing, still working things out and not just lost to the void.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Breaking glass...

I know this comes from out of the blue for some... most? of you. I've tried not to bitch too much on here, minus a few slip ups. I know that some of you are still friends with the boy now known as Five. I'm trying to be, except he seems to be having none of it... or at least it feels that way.

I left. I ran from PDX. I knew it was time to go and although I know that it looked as though I left just to be with Stephen, that was not my only reason. I left because heartache awaited me had I stayed.

First off, I had given a part of me to Stephen... more than I had thought I would. Without him and with my tie to Da5id getting weaker and weaker by the day, I felt lost and empty. My marriage was over and I hadn't realized it. I had fallen in love with one of my best friends and he was halfway across the country. Things were messy, to say the least. I can survive on my own but I would not have done so well nor gracefully had I stayed.

I loved Da5id. Loved him more than people will know. Still love him. 10 years does not erase but does change how that works/ worked. Does it hurt still? Do I still fret, think about him and does the whole thing still plague my dreams? Yes.

Where my relationship with Da5id has degraded to has gotten to the point where I don't trust him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in feeling as I do; no meds and no therapy make it hard for me to feel justified in my reactions. I guess that can be both good and bad. I have a hard time with trusting myself when I know that the BPD is not exactly in check.

Yesterday it all hit me. Everything I've known until now is gone. California, bits of Portland, my family... gone. They're all mixed up with memories of Da5id, a life we had made in 10 years' time. All gone. Friends, too. Dylan told me that part of the reason he dropped me had to do with him. Now Da5id's gone and so are the friends.

Everything I had worked for and built is gone. Think about that. It's mind boggling.

I'm still here, though. Perhaps even to the annoyance of some.

I'm fine. I'm great, even. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life, I feel utterly and totally free, for once. I could die tomorrow and be happy.

This does not mean that I won't feel the full force of what's happened and everything that's gone... and yesterday, that's exactly what happened.

My husband fell out of love with me a while ago. I put a stop to being the faux primary and ended an ending or already dead relationship that was really affecting me. An explanation was necessary to you, in my opinion.

Life is excellent. Stephen and I are awesome. I regained a partner in crime. My heart still broke down fully yesterday to mourn that which was... and it was a lifetime's worth. Leaving was the hardest easiest thing I've done because I left everything. Just remember that when you think that you don't understand what happened.

I'm forever. Life, however, changes.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

This is Madison.

This means that I am her Tia Ceci.

I have a Tia Ceci. What I know of her is that I've always liked her and she has an amazing singing voice.

I hope Madison likes her Tia Ceci as much as I like mine.


Welcome to the Mendez clan, Duckie. I hope I can help you in any way possible.

Your Tia Ceci

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo 2010

This year I decided to do it again.

November is National Novel Writing Month and some of us crazies sign up here and challenge ourselves to write at least 50,000 words/ 175 pages by midnight on the 30th of November. I tried this in 2008 and succeeded (yay!) so I thought I'd try it again. Hopefully this time I'll take that challenge to do more than just hit my word mark.

My friend, Chloé is also participating this year and I wish her the best of luck!


Thursday, October 28, 2010

I'm out of cigarettes and I hate it. It's not that I need them to survive, or even to spend an evening... they would just be nice in my little evening of trying to figure things out.

"Here inside me
Deep and hollow
The sound that no other sound can follow..."

I'm letting go tonight, kids. Why? Because I can. It's rather freeing, really. I can still depend on me to be me. I miss the friends that I had to be able to call on tonight. I tried to talk to Markie (don't tease me!), Leigh, David.... and yes even Heir Clouse.

"I know the pain
Before the wound...."

Today I sat there and realized the bridges that I had burned. Sooooo many. Not on purpose, mind you. Some I just never got to explain. THOSE are especially NOT my fault, and I would very much like to fix them. I just... I just don't know that I can at this point.

In case you haven't guessed, Stephen's not home and I'm just dealing with me on a one-to-one basis. What I've discovered???


It's also pretty much in a "miss my friends" period. It's hard to know where and who your friends are when you're me.


Also, one cannot trust music. It alters and differs and means different things to different people.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I have signed up for NaNoWriMo! YAY!

I had an epiphany tonight ... and yes, it started out as a revelation.

Namely, write.

I will die otherwise.

Also, YES! I'm drunk.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I've got 5 posts waiting to be published but they need to be edited or added to. In the meantime you get pictures.

"You choose
You chose
Poetry over Prose..."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Thursday, October 14, 2010


This is Fall as I'm experiencing it in my hood...

I think it's pretty cool. I've never had a fall like this and the world keeps throwing new things at me. I adore it.

This... is what I call living my life and I wouldn't trade it with anyone for the world.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Iggy the tub licker

This is our cat Iggy.

Every time we go into the bathroom, he follows us in and stares at the tub, whether or not we're actually in there for a shower.

Basically he's waiting for one of us to get in so he can lick the water that trickles out of the shower down the side of the tub.


Friday, October 1, 2010


A huge thank you to my friend and housemate, Nikki. She likes to practice her piercing skills.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear Family,

My related family, that is.

I love you. You drive me crazy. Well, crazier.. and not in a good way. This makes me not quite love you and that is why I cannot live around you/ have a hard time contacting you.

Accept me or don't, I'm still me and I can't change that. I'm beautiful, talented, strong, brilliant, creative and yes, I am crazy.

Now, if you don't mind... or even if you do... I'm going to go live my life.

Love with all my heart,


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Well, we're at the 3 month mark and I still have no job. I have a few very likely-s but nothing solid. I've stopped celebrating everytime I supposedly have a job because those keep falling through. I am told I have a job at as a coach for new hires in the returns dept. but they have yet to call me with a start date (mind you, I only had my orientation last Thursday). Today I went for a job at ACS for a call center for people who place orders which pays the same amount as the Amazon job. My friend Anne got hired on the spot, but I had to leave to get the car to Stephen for his appointment so I need to return tomorrow for the interview portion. THAT, however, doesn't start until October 11th.

I NEED MONEY NOW! I need a job that I can start on Monday because this is driving me insane.

Other than that stress, the only other thing is that I will be off meds as of next Tuesday. Let's watch and see what happens.

Anything else... is AWESOME.

Seriously, if I just got paid for being me or had a trust fund or benefactor or something, things would be superfuckinggood!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Some of you remember this...

He's NOT kidding. Check out his website

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Guess what's just around the corner?!

That's right! Halloween!!!!!

I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna be...

A look back

So I reread this post here and found myself pondering the truthfulness of it and how it embodied everything I had done/ that happened to get me here.

This part especially:

"I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance."

Well, we changed and I was no longer what he could handle and he was no longer the guy who knew me nor understood me.

That is why I knew it was over. That was why I did what I thought was right by me.



Today was a little muggy at times, but it was rainy and there was thunder. On the way back to the house, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw the leaves falling and the piles of the yellow and orange leaves strewn at the side of the road.


Fall has always been a time of change for me. It seems that there's always something major that changes in my life right about now. Sometimes it's pretty fucking hard, scary or a combo of the two. However, it's always amazing and it always makes me... better? enhanced?... something like that.

So here's fall. I find that I'm still in the "not sure what's going on with my job hunt" and that life is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY different. Weird. Good weird.

I have a gig starting at (thanks for the tip, Anne!) in the next week or 2. I have orientation this Wednesday and then they're supposed to let me know what they need me for shift wise. Lots of running around and 4 10-hour days which means... 3 day weekends !!!!! Most importantly it means that I'll get a paycheck.

SO! Life, bring it!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life, my friends, is weird.

I know, I know... I say that all the time. Here's the thing... it's true!

On Saturday I got upset because the boy that I'm, well, married to, was giving me a hard time about paying my bills. I don't want to get into a he said she said here, and I know some of you are still friends so I'll leave it at that. Needless to say, he pissed me off and yes, there was a good reason for it.

Weird #1:
10 years with one boy... 10 years with a million ups and downs, love and admiration, a move and a wedding. Open relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that, really. I have a "problem" with not being able to, errr, restrain myself. I don't see that as a problem, but many do, so I brought it up.

Now, who knows exactly when everything changed or exactly why, but it did. He's not the guy I knew and either I'm not the girl he knew or I didn't change. Whatever it was, things changed and our run as partners had ended.

Sad? Yes. Very, in my opinion. I understand, through our therapy sessions, that it happens. People change. We, as our therapist said, should not think of it as a failure, but instead we should understand that we had a good run; change does not make it a failure.

Now, he's phasing me out. His point of view is that I phased myself out since I moved. Is he right? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's sad to me, to think that someone I was so close to, loved so much for 10 years, is gone. It seems, and again I could be wrong, but it seems that it's easy for him to let go or at least think that not being part of my life is the way it should be.

I don't understand this and so for me it's weird. I don't understand not knowing, not having in my life, someone that was such a part of it for so long. Had I stayed, would he have done the same thing? Would I be in Portland wondering why he's phasing me out while I was still there and we hung out with the same friends? I truly believe that if I had stayed, I would have been worse off than I am now in sanity and depression. It would have been difficult to see him hanging out with others if he wasn't a regular part of my life, even if it wasn't in the same way we were. I have a feeling he'd have done so anyway.

Having Stephen so far away would have been extremely difficult. I can't rationalize in my head how I went from one to the other, I just know that I knew when I called it off that it had been done for a while and we just hadn't seen it that way. What about when Mae returned? What of our relationship then? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Weird #2:
I had a good job that paid well, friends I loved and a city I adored. I left it. I already realized this and knew what I was doing when I left it. However, it sunk in a little more on Saturday, probably because I now have to give up insurance since I don't have the money to keep up with it. Why, I asked myself, did I leave? I thought of everything I had and what I was able to do. All my clothes were generally not cheap, the products I bought the shoes I loved were not inexpensive. I left this for a life where I didn't know what I would be able to do, didn't know how I'd be living.
I could see why people thought I was crazy for leaving, especially so suddenly.

The thing is, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I knew that staying in Portland was not only prolonging what I wanted to do but would make me miserable. Don't misunderstand me, it's not like I hated it and didn't have friends who turned into family and a good job I liked. I would be miserable because of 2 very good reasons: the death throws of my marriage and not being with Stephen.

My marriage was done, I knew that. We had changed and had been arguing for quite some time before I came to Lexington for a visit and fell in love with one of my best friends, Stephen. When I went back I was miserable not so much because I wasn't near Stephen, but because my marriage was still a mess. The couples therapy didn't help and Da5id's want to be with Mae also didn't help. I know I let him be with her, but I let him because I didn't want to have to ask him to stay. He would be staying because I asked him and not because he wanted to be there. That I thought that was a point of arguement with Da5id as he thought that my asking him should be enough. I just... didn't and still don't agree with that. I knew then that it was over and I knew what I had to do. I knew that the death throws had started a while back, as was quite evident from the nonstop fights and crying fits. When I called it, I knew this and I accepted it. Then I knew what I had to and wanted to do. Move to Lexington.

A while back I left a good paying job to work at Trader Joe's. The money was a little above minimum wage and the days were odd. Yes, it didn't help my finances and I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I had done so because I hated having a job that I was eh about just because I made good money. I remembered that I had done so because the happiest I was was when I was working at Tower Records for not much money. I'd rather be happy than have a high paying job. Silly? Maybe. Still, it's what I prefer.

I was starting to dislike my job in PDX because it was ok in the makes me happy field and provided me with flexibility and nice people to work with. Still, it wasn't me. No matter what happens here, what sort of job I get, I want to be happy in it and I also want to be able to pay my bills.

I'm still going through the death throws of my 10 year relationship with Da5id. Mostly because it was 10 years and I don't know what our next evolution is, how to still have him in my life as he's been such a big part of it. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret ending it. We are both happier apart, yet I still hold some pain and bitterness that I have to get through from all the things that went on since sometime around January or perhaps earlier.

Stephen... Stephen I adore. We've been friends for so long and understood the crazy parts, our actions and decisions. Being free have the option to love another person and being able to take our relationship to that next level allowed us to progress. I don't see it as leaving Da5id for Stephen because I tried very hard to keep Da5id and me together and make it work. I believed that we could. In the end, we could not.

I'm happy now. Despite the hard times, no job, and having to give up medical insurance, I'm still very happy. Maybe that's because of Stephen and then again maybe not. All I know is that he makes me happy and he makes me feel right and whole... and home.

Weird, that.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Last night...

Tracy introduced me to this...

The Mockingbird Song from Katy Towell on Vimeo.

... and I ADORED it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Screwed Part the Deuce

Well kids, get ready for more rantings and ravings from the overground.

I will be off my meds as of next month. I just can't afford insurance anymore.


Monday, August 30, 2010

House of Usher

... is what we decided to call our house.

Seriously, yo.

Last night found us helping to drink away misery with friends. Suffice it to say, a sleep over was necessary. We were all quite... a mess. With all the problems in the house and what with all of us being certifiable, Stephen and I decided the name was apropos.

There was a lot of falling, spills and cigarette dropping.

Now we need to make a sign for it.


So I'm supposed to hear from the unemployment office by tomorrow. They told me that they need to have a ruling by the third week of my initial filing. They had to investigate because I had quit so they don't usually give unemployment in those cases unless there was a special circumstance... like, say... relocation. That's me! So we'll see. I really need this as the job search is slow and frustrating. QUITE frustrating.

Stephen's doing ok. Now that the kids are back for university, the shop has had a bit more of a steady influx. So yeah... money is good if I can get money either by getting a job or by getting the unemployment.

Stephen and I, on the other hand, are doing just splendidly in non-money related issues. :D That's a good upside.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I know some of you have already seen this but I thought I'd post it for those who haven't. Thank you, David, for giving me this link!

The Top 50 Music Videos of the 1990s

(Re)Taking the plunge

I've decided to reopen the blog since I'm done with the scattered thoughts of everything that's happened, gone by and changed in the last 3 months or so.

Currently, I'm working more on the writing I had been doing prior to all this. I figured the other stuff gets put in my "Nightmare Book" anyway, so why write all that here? I have a much more accessible way of getting my thoughts out in order to get my shit in order in my head.

So... here we go.

"Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again..."
Tori Amos

Monday, August 23, 2010

While I'm trying to calm down about money and the job search, I'm dreaming. Some of it is thanks to Tracy, kind of along the lines in the way I'm thinking.

I'd love to start doing something that didn't just pay the bills, but that I loved, that allowed me to do any number of things that I love or would love; try out things that I didn't even think of.

If I can get the unemployment from Oregon (touch wood), I would have time to look for the right job that would likely allow me to do something I love and pay a good amount or at least that I like and paid a good amount. In the meantime, I would also have the opportunity to technically get paid to write. I would have free time to work on my writing and see if it can lead to anything. I've always wanted to do this, but how can I when I still need an income? With my inexperience, I cannot get paid to do so, or at least pay enough to make a living with.

I would really love to do more of what it is that I dream of, long for, something that would give me the more I want in my life. I'm not looking for fame, but it would be nice to maintain a living doing that which I love. I sometimes feel like anywhere I move to, any step I take in a different direction, can lead to something more, something that allows me to not just exist, but live.

In my opinion, every move should enable one to get closer or try for what makes life remarkable... or at least push what is remarkable about one's life already.

A girl can dream and this girl does.
A lot.

Friday, August 13, 2010

It's Friday the 13th! Contrary to popular belief, I find it quite lucky and today is so far *touch wood* pretty lovely.

Life's surreal. I like it. It's a little tough, sure, but it's good. HA! (understatement of the YEAR!)
Here I am, living with my boyfriend in Lexington, KY! Not only that but that my boyfriend is Stephen. If you told me this just 4 months ago, I would not have believed you. Ok well I would have smiled at the Stephen part. Heh.

You know what? I like it. It's good. I have no idea what comes next and that's ok by me. Stephen and I are... well, perfect... or at least for each other. Somehow or other, 2 wrongs (or rather, crazies) make a right. We help balance the other out when things kick in. That's only for the mental stuff and our... demeanor, I guess you'd say. Aside from that, we're a lot alike. He's the male me and I'm the female him. Cheesy, right?

Home feels like home. It's Stephen's house that's our house now. We're painting and talking about what we want to do with it. The cats are now... well, partially mine. I've never had cats before.

Honestly, this is all so... odd. Da5id and I went our own ways and we realize that that's the way it is and that it's actually better. We still get on each others nerves as... well, we really have changed that much. I guess it's just another reminder of how the choice we made (some would argue that it's the choice I made) was the right one. It makes me sad and at the same time I just have to realize that we had our run, mostly good in my opinion, and now it's shifted, it's done.

Stephen and I, in the meantime, will see how this goes. Mainly, it's going really well and I'm very happy about that.

As for updates:

Stephen's legal matters are mostly resolved. He just needs an assessment from an approved program which he needs to present to the court in 3 weeks. It's a long story... should have been a simple story, really, but if that CUNT of an ex he has wasn't so hellbent on ruining him, we wouldn't be here. If you don't know the story, well... it's complicated. I think some of you do. THAT was good news! Last night reminded me a lot of the time right before I was... almost doomed to jail. It was tough and there was a lot of prep for whatever may have happened.

Seriously... cunt of a whore!
... and a stinky one at that.

ANYWAY... I've applied for unemployment and I hope it's gone through. It seems like it may have, due to what I see online. Cross your fingers!

What else??

I'm looking for a job and hoping to find SOMETHING. A few leads on jobs.. that's good, but so far it's just been dead leads. Still, I keep looking.

Aside from that... today has been a wonderful day.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Life so far...


Remember how I said that my parents took it well???

Yeah... apparently my mom changed her mind. I got a very long talking to from my mother last week that included such statements as:
"You never should have let us spend the money on your wedding if you were going to leave in a couple of years."
"I feel ashamed that you let Da5id's parents spend that much money in thinking you would stay with him."
"Marriage is something you try hard on. If you get in a fight all the time with him, so what? Your dad and I get in fights all the time and we're still married."


Part of me wishes that I had disappeared, had changed my number and never contacted them again! Ah, if only! I, however, have that catholic guilt/ need to love my family. As far as I can tell, and as my therapist had said, they're not always the best thing for me, whether they're family or not.

SO here I am in Lexington, hoping to god that my mom doesn't stick with her threat of coming here to "talk" to me. Seriously, am I 16 years old and are my parents are planning on coming to take me "home?" My parents say that at times like these I need my family around since they are the ones that understand me. REALLY?! Really?? Is that why they never got it when I was actually trying to communicate when I was a teenager???

*clears throat*

Yeah, 34 years old and my parents are still treating me like a teenager.

Moving on!

Life's a mess, but still good. Well, things with Stephen and me are good. Life's... trying; a mess.

Quick rundown:
- I didn't pass the test to get licensed by the state for insurance which means that I can't work at the insurance company managing accounts.
- I'm TOTALLY broke. Completely used up all my resources, as I was SUPPOSED TO BE working by now. Seriously, I don't know WHY I didn't keep looking for jobs in those 3 weeks that I was studying for the exam. You know... that thing about putting all your eggs in one basket and what not.
- Stephen is having legal issues because of that cunt of an ex-wife (and my ex-friend). A lawyer was needed so now we're BOTH tapped out in trying to pay the retainer. Phun!
- My health insurance is usable here BUT I need to pay up front and then my insurance reimburses me. Do they think that I have the time or money to wait 3-4 weeks for them to reimburse me??? Fuckers.

Ok ok... all negative so here's the positive...


- meeting new friends (Stephen's friends and old acquaintances, really)
- Lots of Stephen time :D
- Hanging out at the shops. I really like most of the people who work at both shops.
- I now have 2 cats. Well, Stephen's of course, but now that I live there, well I help take care of them and I talk to them.
- I like my room and my desk in my room where I play on this here computer, Eddie.
- Drinks are cheap
- When we go to Mia's (a bar), if Mary Beth (the owner) is there, she likes to feed me vodka as she's a vodka lover and an old friend of Stephen's.
- Stephen. PATEOTS.

That's what I got so far. Life is good but trying. Everyone PLEASE try to send good vibes that I get a job and/ or unemployment through Oregon REALLY soon!!

Stephen and Evie Bean

That butterball of a cat named Iggy. I think he's trying to be a rug or something.

Evie Bean and a PBR.

Drunk, smoking and taking pictures. You know, like every Saturday night.

At our friend Mackenzie's work party.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Ok, I promise I'll give a full update as soon as I take a study break. Things went surprisingly well, though.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I'm telling my folks today as Da5id decided to tell his. I would have sooner but Da5id didn't want to tell his until he found the appropriate time and our parents actually communicate. There's NO WAY that my mom wouldn't be able to tell them.

Bets on if I'll be disowned for the FOURTH time?? I feel like they might try to fly here to take me to California.


I've always said I feel like I'm 16.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ok... a post has been a brewin' since my first week here, and now that I've been here a month (Yes, REALLY!) I think I'm starting to get things in place and my head in the right space.

Huh... that rhymes...

SO... I figured I'd start with pictures of the house. These are just a few and I'll have more of the rest later, but it's SOMETHING, right?

Stephen's record collection... or as Adin calls them, Stephen's big CDs.

The living room with the lovely antique wheelchair. I even got my Lain cel up!

We painted one side of the hallway red, which we think looks pretty damn neat!

My room :D The painting on the closet door is by the famous child artist, Adin ;)

Oh and new haircut! It's freaking hot and humid here so I went REALLY short!

I'll get you filled in more later.... promise!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

See this boyo?

I believe that most of you saw this pic in my last post, but I'm putting it in this one to point him out specifically.

That is Stephen. I think a lot of my friends know him. Stephen and I went to the same high school and had friends in common but never talked. He claims shyness and I claim being an elitist. It's true. We re-met through Maile about... 6 years after? and we clicked! There were late night calls and long talks of music or just playing music for each other, discussing the crazy, discussing our lives. I loved that boy. When he'd come to visit we were inseparable and, again, we would stay up as late as possible. Da5id liked to call him my boyfriend.

So in December Da5id and I came out as poly/ in an open relationship and it was made known that the boyo has a Mae. The way we decided to work this is that we weren't looking to replace the other nor were we looking to just screw around. If someone came along that there was a connection with, we could follow it. It came about because of Da5id's feelings for Mae that were never expected but just sort of happened. I felt no threat and it made sense to me.

How can I put this? As I said, we've been friends for a while. Due to Maile's wedding not working out, I decided to use my vacation time to go visit Stephen and my friend Neely in Lexington. I spent A LOT of time with Stephen and I would be lying if I said there had never been any chemistry there and that I didn't do something about it in Lexington. Next thing you know, I'm in love with boy. I mean... I've always loved him, but I fell fully head over heels in love with him. He's, as I said in my last post, my male counterpart. I admire and adore him, he makes me laugh, shares music with me and understands the depths of the lows and the highs of the highs.

Much talking... wrapping my head around it... several people telling me I was dumb for not thinking this could happen, and boom! here we are.

Like I said, this is very new to me and fairly new to us (Da5id and I) so I've been trying to get my bearings. Stephen and I decided on Monday, what the hell!? We feel like we feel, I'm in an open relationship so let's just jump in and see where it goes.

So there you have it. I have a boyfriend... and I'm pretty proud of him, too. Where will this lead? I don't know right now nor do I particularly care. We all have an understanding and we'll just work it through from there.

Monday, May 17, 2010

SOOOO I've been here and there and this week is the 34th Annual Ceci Celebration, which was kicked off FABULOUSLY on Saturday at the Driftwood room with a small gathering of friends.

Xiao, Mae, M and me.

Da5id and me

Before Ceci's week o' fun, I was ...well I was sick but that's boring so we're gonna skip that. I was in Lexington, KY visiting my lovies, Neely and Stephen. GREAT time! Exactly what I needed. It was great to reconnect with Stephen and find out just how much of a counterpart we are to each other. He's the male me, and I'm the female him. Late nights geeking out to music and talking, mornings talking about anything that popped into our heads, days getting to really know each other better/ visiting the tattoo shops he works at. Neely and I hung out a bit too and I ADORE her son Jett. He's in a Spanish immersion school and we were speaking Spanish! Too cute. There are ALLLL sorts of other people I met that I adore... and I'm trying to figure out how and when to go back already! Figures, eh?

Stephen and me up late as usual.

Neely and me hanging out at Electric Arts.

My surprise new tattoo that I kind of came up with and Stephen drew up the rest.

The 3 strikes and your out boxes so that I NEVER forget.

So much more but it just ends up sounding like a list so... there we go!

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Last week vacation started. It was something that I was looking forward to along with Maile's wedding and seeing everyone. What with the Volcano fiasco that caused almost everyone in the US from being able to go to Europe, I figured I'd take one anyway. So I thought, why not Lexington as I've been promising them a visit since 2008.

Having come to that realization right after I had to get a refund on my ticket, I looked for a ticket to Lexington and bought it a little over a week ago.

So here I am in Lexington hanging out with Neely, Stephen and Sadie, along with Neely's boyo and his roommates. Oddly, it's a lot like being at Casa Stella. I was at Neely's boyo's while Stephen was at work and the kids were playing a D&D Star Wars game while I geeked out on World of Warcraft. Just like home and with friends, old and new, that are just as great.

Lexington is GREAT! It's exactly the vacation I've needed, with lots of awesome talks with Neely and Stephen. Sometimes it's amazing that I can sniff out my own and that we find each other.

That is all for now, but before I sign off I'll leave you with a pic of Furious George who's on board with my type of vacation.

Thursday, April 22, 2010






We'll see what happens when these 3 decide to get together and have fun.

Stay tuned!