Monday, February 15, 2010

Lessons in Love

A Softer World
(I wish I didn't have to explain my sense of humor...)


You know, I've had to explain my love life a lot recently. Some of it is because I chose to out us (and therefore Da5id went along with it) and the rest is the subsequent fall out.
...
Well, that is with one exception.

Love is HARD! It's not only hard to find, hard to get and hard to keep, it's also hard to GROW! Did'ja know tha?

A lot of the learning process of these varying steps not only IS difficult but it looks a MESS! Ask any of your friends if they think you and so-and-so are doing well at such times and they're more than likely to look away... or WORSE! Walk away!

I've done this. I've seen friends go through hard times...
really hard times... and think, "Oh man! That's not good at ALL!" There were times that I even felt like I should do something. Then I remember the one thing I learned from Bridget Jones' Diary (well, the one non-silly thing) - one does not always see the nuances of a couple's day-to-day life. The couple might be going through some issues that they're working on resolving and, especially in the case of Da5id and me, passionately fight for it and fling words/ do things to try and hurt the other. This doesn't mean that despite all this, it doesn't work. Sometimes it is because of all that that it DOES work.

Essentially, just because Da5id and I hurt each other and sometimes seem like we're hellbent on injuring/ killing each other, doesn't mean that I don't love him JUST as passionately. M put it this way - the first few weeks we were living in the house she wondered what sort of roommates she had gotten. She continued on to say that, after those weeks, she figured out that that's how Da5id and I work; she and Cedric talk, Da5id and I react first then talk later.

I guess the key here is that we talk. Communication IS key and we HAVE learned this.

Da5id and I realize that it gets pushed a little far in our case. We're so used to fighting that it's hard not to. It's not so much that we're used to fighting each other, but fighting for who we are and what we believe in, as my therapist says. Growing up we fought our parents to be who we are and do what we did. In school we had to learn the same. It's hard to stop fighting when it's what we have to do to be us. Basically, we just need to come to the realization we don't have to fight each other nor our friends who truly understand us. Sometimes, though, it's hard to know who to fight against.

I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance.

I HAVE met my match and I knew that the moment I realized what I had in a marriage back then was not what was true to me nor what I wanted. I knew that the good friend who listened to everything I felt, did and wanted without flinching was someone that could handle me... and I him. Our so called sins weren't sins to each other, our thoughts weren't silly, and we couldn't hear enough of each others' life stories, no matter how hard they were to hear. Here was my equal; he gives as good as I give and he takes as good as I take.

I cannot put it into words, although I have tried in these posts here and here. Da5id has, as well, here and here.

I had always wished that the ex-boyo could see that Da5id and I were right, that one day he'd understand... and recently he did:

Ex-boyo: the other day i read something
12:43 PM i was stalking da5id
and read some note
me: HAHAHAH
Ex-boyo: and he talked about you and how much he loved you basically
and its weird like
i dont think i really felt like you two had anything special
if that makes sense
and i saw all this
and realized wow
they really are in love
in that really special way
12:44 PM and i felt really happy
for you
me: yes :D
thank you
we're... retarded for each other
Ex-boyo: i dunno if that makes sense
me: no
it makes total sense
Ex-boyo: but its a hard thing to like
come to terms with for me lol
its funny because at this point
any bitter jaded bone has long since faded
so now i can see reality you know

...

We are not conventional nor have we ever done things conventionally; not so much because we want to be unconventional but because we just are. Every time we try to do things by the book, it bites us in the ass and makes a change in this relationship that just doesn't work because we're trying to be something we're not. When we follow our gut, which I'll admit does have a rather unusual inclination, we end up better for it.

I wish I could explain what we have, what we are. We burn as much as we build and, like that fire, we feed on that. How else does a fire live but by having something to consume? Oddly, it never seems to burn out and this is, in the purest essence, us.

If anything, I can only equate us to Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights, but a good deal more civil (seriously... I wouldn't marry someone else to spite him and ruin my own happiness).

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it...Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

Emily Brontë

5 comments:

Da5id said...

So... yeah... I love this girl. Confuses a lot of people in a lot of different ways. I love this girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with two girls at once. But never doubt that I love Ceci, how much I love her, and our ability to NOT make sense.

Chloe said...

I'm reading Wuthering Heights right now! I love the book, but I loath Catherine and Heathcliff. Terrible people. But I do love you and Da5id, and Bridget Jones!

Love,
Chloé

Ceci said...

See but that's the point! Their only redeeming, if you can call it that, quality is their love for each other... That truly special kind that surpasses anything and is more than any mistake either could make. Unfortunately, as I said, they're hellbent on ruining the other, but I think some of that had to do with their positions in society. I equate them to us because, well, we CAN be terrible to each other and there are times when we're not good company. All this is changing, of course, and a lot of it hasto do with my bipolar which I'm learning to get control of.

Things have been very good since October save for any of my episodes which push Da5id to the limit and make him react rather horribly at times. Again, I know that this is part of my issues and he's only han and can only take so much. We're really rather good... excellent, even!

Chloe said...

I think we must agree to disagree on this one, Ceci. Heathcliff and Cathy are devoid of redeeming characteristics, while you and Da5id are rather lovely people who happen to fight passionately. And I would not call what Heathcliff and Cathy have love. It is more of a poisonous obsession on his side, and on her side she is fascinated and flattered by his obsession, and being the worst kind of worthless brat, she thinks she should be allowed to have absolutely anything she fancies. I agree that on her side the English class system brings out the worst aspects of her temperament, and on his side a horrifying childhood that we know nothing about seems to have erased any sense of humanity or empathy from him. Nevertheless, they are both absolutely reprehensible people.

Once again, I love you and Da5id, and I know that you love each other. My criticisms of Heathcliff and Cathy are completely unrelated to my feelings about your relationship. They are, rather, related to the fact that I am reading the book right now, and so all of my feelings about it are right at the surface and very fresh.

Nails said...

Ahhh the passion! You and Da5id are overflowing with it. I am deeply saddened by anyone who has never had this passion and therefore can't understand or process it when they see it. <3