Thursday, November 11, 2010

Breaking glass...

I know this comes from out of the blue for some... most? of you. I've tried not to bitch too much on here, minus a few slip ups. I know that some of you are still friends with the boy now known as Five. I'm trying to be, except he seems to be having none of it... or at least it feels that way.

I left. I ran from PDX. I knew it was time to go and although I know that it looked as though I left just to be with Stephen, that was not my only reason. I left because heartache awaited me had I stayed.

First off, I had given a part of me to Stephen... more than I had thought I would. Without him and with my tie to Da5id getting weaker and weaker by the day, I felt lost and empty. My marriage was over and I hadn't realized it. I had fallen in love with one of my best friends and he was halfway across the country. Things were messy, to say the least. I can survive on my own but I would not have done so well nor gracefully had I stayed.

I loved Da5id. Loved him more than people will know. Still love him. 10 years does not erase but does change how that works/ worked. Does it hurt still? Do I still fret, think about him and does the whole thing still plague my dreams? Yes.

Where my relationship with Da5id has degraded to has gotten to the point where I don't trust him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in feeling as I do; no meds and no therapy make it hard for me to feel justified in my reactions. I guess that can be both good and bad. I have a hard time with trusting myself when I know that the BPD is not exactly in check.

Yesterday it all hit me. Everything I've known until now is gone. California, bits of Portland, my family... gone. They're all mixed up with memories of Da5id, a life we had made in 10 years' time. All gone. Friends, too. Dylan told me that part of the reason he dropped me had to do with him. Now Da5id's gone and so are the friends.

Everything I had worked for and built is gone. Think about that. It's mind boggling.

I'm still here, though. Perhaps even to the annoyance of some.

I'm fine. I'm great, even. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life, I feel utterly and totally free, for once. I could die tomorrow and be happy.

This does not mean that I won't feel the full force of what's happened and everything that's gone... and yesterday, that's exactly what happened.

My husband fell out of love with me a while ago. I put a stop to being the faux primary and ended an ending or already dead relationship that was really affecting me. An explanation was necessary to you, in my opinion.

Life is excellent. Stephen and I are awesome. I regained a partner in crime. My heart still broke down fully yesterday to mourn that which was... and it was a lifetime's worth. Leaving was the hardest easiest thing I've done because I left everything. Just remember that when you think that you don't understand what happened.

I'm forever. Life, however, changes.


Sookie said...

I love you and remember to breathe...