Reconciling Saints

Friday, I'm coming in fighting!

I'm not gonna let you defeat me like Thursday was close to doing; I've brought my arsenal. I'm fighting back.

I warn you, my head's in the speakers and we all know how that goes!

"Felt so sick today but cured by your noise
My head in the speakers is drowning out volumes..."
~Robots in Disguise~



Bring it.

You have been difficult, but I'm still standing! ... or trying to stand, anyway.

I have had bank issues, a tidal wave of work that left me gasping for air and just... overall utter craptasticness!

I'm going to go run now because a) it might alleviate the urge to kill the next person I see, b) it's cheaper than going on meds again and c) I had planned to anyway.

You haven't gotten the best of me yet!
*shakes a fist at the heavens*

Respectfully yours,

_c_

Every time I go get my haircut recently I struggle with this question:

To cut or not to cut?

I've cut it off once but I've never gone back to it which is what makes me want to do it again. It feels more like I dreamnt it except there are pictures.

SO the question is: To look like a 12-year-old boy or no? (ha! that was the assessment of what my hair looked like when I did it, although I thought it was really cute).

Here are some pics to compare:

Short (May2008)

Current Length (Curly and Straight)

What's a girl to do? If you have an opinion, please see my poll on the side bar.

... and of course, I'm keeping the blue.

A hearty congratulations to one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman, for winning the Newbery award for The Graveyard book!

His last post on his blog was ecstatic about it and it made me smile. I can truly empathize with the man for thinking, "Is this all really happening?" I've been there before, and it's one of the little things that makes life the worthwhile adventure it is.

Neil Gaiman's 'Graveyard' Book Wins Newberry Award

Now let's hope Henry Selick will win an Oscar for animation with Coraline! Let's dream BIG!

This is me talking out my issues.

This is me telling you about what I've chosen and what bothers me... and how there was really no other way.

I could talk to you about the choices I made as a teenager, and I could tell you that I chose not to have a child then but always thought... later.

What do you do if there is no later? Or... what do you do if you don't have to choose that later?

That's what I'm talking about right now.

We make choices as "adults"... and I use that word loosely... about what's best for us.
Is it, really? *shrugs* I don't know. Do you?

Technically, I think that what we choose is always right. It's right for where we're going or what we think. I do know that the big choices, the ones that are marry or not to, car or no, take this job or that one... those things can all be right, they just lead you to different paths. The point is that you have to know which path you're leaning towards. That's what I've discovered, anyway.

The boyo never wanted children. I always felt wishy-washy on the whole subject. Why? I don't know... 2 abortions and promising that one day I'd get it right. Also the fact that I thought that... that one day would come because that is just how life goes; that's how things happen. I never knew (thought?) one had a choice in that.

Marrying the first boyo made me think differently on the whole thing. He badly wanted kids. I kept pushing it aside. Not now. Maybe later. Until finally I wondered, never? What if I wasn't meant to be married? What if I wasn't meant to have kids? What if I was happier being me, and just me,... forever? I figured I didn't want kids. Having the responsibility for anyone else was too much; I didn't want it and the thought didn't stir anything maternal in me.

So, I thought, this is not for me.

Cue the new boyo.

I love him. Truly, deeply, madly. Kids? At first I told him what I had thought: NO! Absolutely not. Didn't want them. Too much for me.

Then... what if... what if we could show this hypothetical (because everyone has one) child what we've learned? What if we could be the parents we always wanted? What if we could show this child all the miracles and dreams that come true when you strive, when you struggle, when you believe? All of a sudden, with the right person, the idea of a child became plausible.

But not now! I mean... now? I mean, maybe later... but not now! We didn't have enough money, we were barely taking care of ourselves. Once the finances were a little better it was more of the question of, well, then we couldn't go to Europe this winter, then we couldn't do what we wanted to.

Therapy, many talks and the wedding made us talk about it... my odd obsession with holding on to the idea, the possibility of maybe someday, even if I didn't want one now.

On Friday (yes, this past one) the boyo was snipped. Yes, he had a vasectomy. We are out of the game (I know it's possible to be reversed but REALLY, really... is that necessary? Let's just call it a win... or a loss, however you choose to see it). I got a little panicky on Thursday as this meant that was it... there was no maybe for me. Not even in a far corner of my head.

Over all I'm ok with this. Logistically, I know why I chose this, why we chose this.

Part of me is a little weepy, though, because there will never be another Ceci, never be another Da5id, or any sort of hybrid of the 2. I will never know how awesome that would or would not have been (although I vote awesome 'cause, come on! How could the kid not be?)

Mainly, there was no way around it. I would never change my mind on the not now unless something big happened to change our circumstances now. How we live, how we want to live, is no place for a child. We would be selfish if we thought that, right now, we could do both.

If anything ever changes and I could do it all... maybe... maybe we'd adopt... but see that? Even
then is it a maybe. That's is why there's no way around it. I have nothing but an instinct perhaps that makes me want to leave a legacy, perhaps it's just written in my DNA; a way to go on, a way to survive. Yet, when I think about it, it's a loud and clear, "oh not now! Heavens, of course not now!"

I think that says something.

I miss my old place... I was looking at some old photos, pictures of me in my old writing corner under the stairs to the loft.

Damn! I miss the old place. Who ever has it now is a lucky, lucky person.

...

Well, outside from the fact that they live in So Cal where it's 90 degrees in the winter! (Really, that's just WRONG!)

(Click the door to tour our old place via the old wedding website.)

I love my pen. It's a fountain pen... the kind that you have to dip into the ink to refill, not the cartridge kind, and I ADORE it! The boyo gave it to me as a gift for our wedding. He wanted me to keep doing what I love, to keep on writing, so he bought me the thing I always told myself I would buy ONE DAY, and that is a super nice fountain pen.

I got him an electric guitar, with help from Stephen to pick it out. I want him to keep doing the things he loves doing, because those are important as well. A while ago he had sold his old Fender Telecaster that he loved because we needed the money when we had moved out on our own. I hated selling it and told him so, but he sold it because he hardly played it, we needed the money and he would hardly be able to play it in the studio we had gotten. In other words, it was impractical.

So we got each other gifts that reflect what the other person loves, no matter how "frivolous." The moral of the story here is: nothing you love is silly or not worth it. Even if it has NOTHING to do with your job or if it's something that you think you should pawn if you're in need of money, DON'T GET RID OF IT! You love it, it's a part of you and you just have to learn to fit it into your life again. Don't give up the things you love.

Today I refill it.

Hi kids!

Neil is trying to spread this trailer as it's the first one he's liked.

I'm gonna have to agree with him on this one...



...not that I don't think I've got you kids hooked already! I mean, I've gotten emails from some of you non-commentors already about how're really excited about the movie or had just read the book, but... it's always good to see something manifest itself into this world as well as it did in your brain, n'est-ce pas?

This was sent to me by David Z. (hi David!), who is endearingly known as Da6d.

'There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself "Do trousers matter?" '

'The mood will pass, sir.'



Love the PG Wodehouse... and I wish I had a Jeeves.

this is my blog, so I'll write what I want.

Here's the thing, kids, I think that too often in this world passion is dropped for safety!
There! I said it.

PASSION
IS
DROPPED
FOR
SAFETY!
!!!!

Who wants to be in a relationship where you're safe? Ok, well, within reason, obviously! Who wants one were it's just good enough that someone loves you?

...

Ok somehow this is sounding all wrong. Here's what I mean:

So the boyo and I were watching Shopgirl today (you know, the Steve Martin movie with Claire Danes and Jason Shcwartzman?) and she starts looking for a guy... just a guy that might think she's pretty, that might treat her well... that might hold her. I get that. I do. At my most touch deprived, I look for hugs from people... just people... anyone will do, well ok... not bad huggers, but almost anyone will suffice.

I know it's a movie, and I know it's about that girl looking for A GUY. I think my problem is that too often there's someone looking for A PERSON. Not that person. Just A person. I had a semi-discussion with some friends about this the other day. Just because someone's nice to you does NOT deem them good enough to stay with. What about the other things? What about the fact that I want to be a better person for, and becuase of, this person and not just BE.

One of the things my parents asked me when I was leaving the ex was "Why do you want to leave him? He's good to you. He doesn't hurt you."

You know what hurt me? That he never wanted to be more with me, nor for me, nor for himself. He also didn't want to know more about me. He didn't want to hear about the crazy parts, he didn't think one should share everything.

That to me, guys, was pretty crushing. What do you mean you don't want to see more?! I want to see everything of you. I want the dreams, the bad things, I want to KNOW you. I want to grow with that. I want to love you for it because it all... the whole lot of it... is what YOU are comprised of!

That's passion, for me at least. You have to be able to be passionate about me and about life. You especially have to be passionate about YOU.

I'm not looking for drama, but I am looking for passion. You have to love yourself that much, and you sure as hell have to love me that much.

Most importantly... most especially... you have to care that much about yourself that you would leave me to save yourself is that was what was needed. You have to love you more than you love me. God knows I do! That's when it's equal... that's when you can choose what's best for you, even if it turns out that all that is best for you, is you.

YES!

It's time for another Coraline post!


In today's Coraline post I'd like to point out to the LA contingency that, according to Mr. Gaiman's blog, there's a Coraline exhibition at Universal Studios. He (and the Universal Studios website) reports that:
"The miniature stop-motion animation set pieces and figures in this exhibit are shown courtesy of Henry Selick and the team of talented artists at Laika Entertainment."

I'd love to see that! Please go see it for me.

And ... ok... for all you PDX kids out there... tickets for the Coraline Premier will go on sale on January 28th at noon. Tickets will be $50. You can see a little more info on that here.

If any of you kids want to SEND me to see this movie, please do! I just can't do $50 right now. Weird, huh?

I found this link to these neato pics over at Ashley's Closet ('cause I needed my Ashley, Big Kid and Lil Kid fix).

Legos!

Love it!

Today... is an AWESOME day!

What did I tell you about anything can happen!?
SEE???

The change has already started... http://www.whitehouse.gov

My favorite radio station in the WHOLE WORLD shut down last week - LA's Indie 103.1. Good 'ole London told me about it as we were both fans. I'm horribly sad and you should be too, even if you never listened to it/ heard of it before!

Why?!

This is why:
- They had a show JUST for local bands (granted there's a lot in LA, but still! They tried to showcase them)
- They had a punk show
- They had a heavy metal show
- They had my FAVORITE show Big Sonic Heaven with Darren Revell (who also spun at the Good Luck Bar on Thursday nights) Mon- Thurs.
- Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols had the noon time show
- Henry Rollins did his gig on Monday nights (pretty neat and eclectic stuff)
AND OH SO MUCH MORE!

They gave voice to the voiceless and kept things new and crisp as well as playing the stuff that you'd never thought you'd here on the radio/ haven't heard in FOREVER.

It is with great sadness that I post this, but with the hope of being able to pass on to all of you a NEW way to listen to a great radio station that is having it's go to do it their way over the internet. Please support them!

The message I am posting here is no longer up but you can see the google cached link here.


"This is an important message for the Indie 103.1 Radio Audience -

Indie 103.1 will cease broadcasting over this frequency effective immediately. Because of changes in the radio industry and the way radio audiences are measured, stations in this market are being forced to play too much Britney, Puffy and alternative music that is neither new nor cutting edge. Due to these challenges, Indie 103.1 was recently faced with only one option — to play the corporate radio game.

We have decided not to play that game any longer. Rather than changing the sound, spirit, and soul of what has made Indie 103.1 great Indie 103.1 will bid farewell to the terrestrial airwaves and take an alternative course.

This could only be done on the Internet, a place where rules do not apply and where new music thrives; be it grunge, punk, or alternative - simply put, only the best music.For those of you with a computer at home or at work, log on to http://www. indie1031. com and listen to the new Indie 103.1 - which is really the old Indie 103.1, not the version of Indie 103.1 we are removing from the broadcast airwaves.

We thank our listeners and advertisers for their support of the greatest radio station ever conceived, and look forward to continuing to deliver the famed Indie 103.1 music and spirit over the Internet to passionate music listeners around the world."

It's a sad day indeed, folks!

Morganpdx got this from jarvitron... and now I'm stealing it back... This song is not a rebel... oh wait... ummm... or something...

Seven Things You Might Not Know About Me: A Confession of sorts...

1) I practice Kendo. Well, I did over a year ago. It all went crazy when the wedding started up again and I had no time. Kendo is the study of the art of Japanese sword fighting. It's not self-defense, merely the practice of traditional Japenese sword fighting using a shinai (a bamboo sword, if you will). I've got my bogu, my shinai(s) and my kendo keiko gi (traditionally folded and put away) ready to go... I just need to find a new dojo and talk to the Sensei. I'm currently at Yon Kyu level (4th level) but should technically have passed my San Kyu level (3rd level) exams prior to the time I stopped.

2)I'm Mexican. That is to say my parents are Mexican and I was part of the first generation born here in my family. Well, my father was born in Arizona, but grew up in Mexico after the age of 3 months or something, so he's technically Mexican. People generally don't believe I'm of Mexican origin, and I'm not quite sure WHY, although I will attribute this to the fact that I don't look like a "typical Mexican," however, this can be argued in that they really don't know what a typical Mexican looks like. Basically, I have no accent and I cannot tan (I tried). Spanish was my first language and I grew up speaking Spanish and I was brought up in a Mexican-Catholic household, somewhat traditionally (or as traditionally as one can whilst in the US).

3)Mendez is the actual last name/The boyo is my second husband. I was married when I was 23 to a Canadian boyo who was of German and English families (Mom's and Dad's, respectively) and We divorced 2 years later. I learned a lot from that first marriage. A LOT! I almost didn't get married again because of it. We were young, I was spontaneous, and I'm a dreamer. Why shouldn't it work? I think they call it a starter marriage these days and they're all the more common, but I still felt like, "How can I be 25 and divorced! I feel like I'm only 14!" We were 2 kids playing house and I took on most of the responsibility as it's in my nature to do. Recipe for disaster. Still, I learned a lot! So I guess there's that.

4)I'm a liar. Well, not REALLY, but I do find myself lying to people I don't know a lot. Waitresses, people on the bus, Bartenders. I generally chalk it up to whatever story I'm working on (see number 7) and what mood I'm in. It's never anything big, but for some reason I LOVE to give more information that is necessary to people I barely know, never see again. Oh and I make up names, too. Certain coffee shops used to know me as Randy. heh. I've never told anyone that hahahahahahhaaa! It really does have a lot to do with the telling of stories to myself, though, and I don't do this to people I know or work with. Just... chance encounters... and sometimes I just can't help it.

5)I'm stuck at age 16. Well, at least the 14 year old that got divorced grew up a little, right? I've recently been discussing this with some friends, and I tend to think that it has to do with the fact that I don't have kids, nor will I ever (well, most likely not). I'm sort of stuck at a certain level of responsibility, and I know that 16 might be understating it, but I still feel it's not at a very adult age and that generally rules out over 20 in my mind. You might disagree, but 16 sounds about right. I love YA novels, I REALLY enjoy my cartoons and anime, I get inspired by little things and I generally think in a "when I grow up..." kind of way. Good or bad, I think it works for me. This is NOT to say that I have not learned from my experiences, I just generally tend to think in a much more youthful fashion.

6)I think that anything can happen. This continues with the 16-year-old theme. I have this very kid-like concept that I can do anything and that anything can happen. So far I've been right. This can be kind of annoying to people, as I've been told that I live in Ceci-land, but I still hold fast to the concept. I've always lived knowing that, if I just do it, I will do. I feel like people think that this is pretty childish, especially when something seems pretty impossible, but if anything, my past miracles have shown me otherwise. I think that after Miracle #1, I really took on this form of thinking and Miracle #2 just made me impossible to live with. I live in Ceci-land. It's pretty nice here but kinda crazy. Wanna join?

7) I often write stories for myself. I think this fits in with SOOOOO many of the above things. The 16-year-old. The liar. I tell myself stories no matter where I go, no matter what I'm doing. They're usually a hyper-reality version of myself or what I'm doing. In my stories I'm a musician, I'm a genius, I'm a boy, I'm a Shang warrior who lives in Gali, not far from Tortall and have a life span closer to that of an elf's than a human. Seriously! All in the name of entertainment or maybe a story I'm working on. Sometimes I'm a Story, and my blue hair tells you that. Other times I'm just me... because I like the story of me. It's really neat in that story most times and incredible things happen there, too. Generally, though, you can find me as some other Ceci: CJ, Capricious, Sam, Richard, Andy, Leidy or, my latest, Wren.

So that's me in 7 things you might not have known.

TAG! You're it! The following people need to post 7 things: Pehdroh, JuggleJane, Bee, Thedr9wningman, SergioQ, Mlle_Aubergine and Sodapopprincess!

Mr. B with the Mouse Circus pointed me over to the garden to get Ceci-safe flowers...

Especially since right now I'm having allergy/migraine issues. These, should do nicely 'cause I made them myself!

I got this from Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Doll's Blog:

"Quincy Jones has started a petition to ask President-Elect Obama to appoint a Secretary of the Arts. While many other countries have had Ministers of Art or Culture for centuries, The United States has never created such a position. We in the arts need this and the country needs the arts—now more than ever. Please take a moment to sign this important petition and then pass it on to your friends and colleagues."

Go here to sign the petition:
http://tinyurl.com/55jl4l

it just goes on and on my friends
SOME PEOPLE started living it
not knowing what it was
and they'll just keep on living it forever
JUST BECAUSE...

this is the week that never ends
it just goes on and on my friends
SOME PEOPLE started living it
not knowing what it was
and they'll just keep on living it forever
JUST BECAUSE...

this is the week that never ends
it just goes on and on my friends
SOME PEOPLE started living it not knowing what it was
and they'll just keep on living it forever
JUST BECAUSE...

(lather. rinse. repeat.)

Click the link in the title so that you feel my pain :P

"Don't play everything or every time. Let some things go by. What you don't play can be more important than what you do play."



































.

Today is my stupid day.

First of all I got a phone call from the 2 guys on the road. Seems I forgot to print 20 copies of the thing they also wanted as a flip chart. Went back to check the email. Yep. That's what it said to do.

Doh!

Was looking for the cap to my highlighter for 5 minutes... only to find that... it's attached to the end of said highlighter.

Doh!

I was replying to a very long very involved thread on one of my groups and I TOTALLY spelled "concur" as c-o-n-q-u-e-r.

Doh!

some one needs to put me down... NOW!
*eye twitches*

want to do this with me?
...or even on your own? You know, no pressure.
I went to one of Melissa's "Write Right all Right"s in December and I loved it!

Seriously... you should go if you can!

Well today is my 1 year wedding anniversary.

CRAZY!

To remind me that it's been a crazy first year, I'm having a crazy day.

There's a lot I want to write about, a lot that the boyo and I have been through this year but I just don't know how to write it with all the craziness going on around me today. I feel like I can barely get my thoughts together, let alone tell you kids how I feel.

Hmmm.... a lot like my year.

Well, there's no one I would rather go through good, bad and ugly with than the boyo! I'd do it all over again too! (Although, Universe, I'm not saying you have to throw all that shit at us again... half?... maybe). Seriously, though, I made a vow at my wedding last year that we were going to aim for "More" and I think we did. If that means it's gonna be tough, then I say bring it on. As AFP said, "Also, never have a plan B. Plan B will kill you."

VERY few highlights from what went on today a year ago:

This has been a bad week, kids.

First I felt a disconnect from all my old friends. Then work was sofa king busy that I thought Monday was its own week and Tuesday a 2nd one! It's just been REALLY crazy (so much so that there was talk yesterday of canceling our already late Holiday party that's today!) around the office. Then there's just all sorts of other things....

Well, I GIVE UP!
GOOD RIDDANCE WEEK!
Perhaps more on some of this weeks topics later, however, right now... I just wouldn't do them justice as I would be very very whiny!

In the meantime, here are some links to keep you from feeling the way I do:

- Here's an interview with Miss Amanda Fucking Palmer over at myartspace.com where AFP can be "heard" to say:
Yes. Do not be afraid to do the things in your head. They might not make sense to anybody else, but as long as they make sense to you, that's what counts. Also, never have a plan B. Plan B will kill you.

*swoon* I heart her.

- In that my darling friend Chloé will be the best Librarian in the history of librarians once she graduates, I've been thinking of literature a lot. Books that are worth reading, books that people SAY you should read and are worth it, and books that people say you should read and you have to wonder..."Really??" I came across this interesting article via Neil Gaiman's journal (I know, I go there a lot and go forth to spread what I read there... well, here).

- Speaking of the marvelous (did I forget to say that she's marvelous? 'cause she is!) Chloé, her sister Sam (HA!) is writing a Relationship column over at the Chicago Examiner. Chloé's quite the wit, so I checked out Sam's piece here and found that they are a talented family! (Don't even get me started on Chloé's dad! London and the boyo know what I'm talking about. Love that family! They only come second to Jane's family...)

Ok now! Move along! Be happy that I didn't interact with you much this week!

Here's a good impersonation of my expression as done via the cuteness that's Little Big Planet. He's saying: "You people make my ass twitch."

I don't know if YOU do this, but I like to check the Coraline website from time to time. Sometimes it's for inspiration, sometimes it's to see if anything's new... sometimes it's just to see what new poster I need or to change the wall paper on my computer (I currently love this one).

Well guess what!?

There's new stuff there!

Like...a bookmark that you can make... and how to knit Coraline's blue star sweater (which I now wish I was a knitter because I would LOVE this sweater! It would rival my obnoxiously BRIGHT yellow sweater...)

So I made the only thing I could...

...and I'm not telling you where I found this wonder so that you can have the fun of looking around.



Pssst! Click the post title to link to the Coraline page....

... who's now officially a grad student and will one day be an EXCELLENT librarian!

When they make an action figure of you, Chloé, you bet I'll buy one! That way I can pretend you're showing it to me, doing it with me... well, you get the picture...

Today at movie night we were watching an old movie that had creepy moments and had SUCH potential... but it, alas, never lived up to its potential... not even a third of it! Whether the fact that is was a Disney movie or just the time it was made had us wondering why they played it down!

The movie? The Black Hole.

So we thought of things that we wanted others to see that we hadn't seen since we were kids and that might be something that we wanted to revisit now that we were older (like say, Ladyhawke that I remember loving the story, but having revisited it since, found that I CANNOT stand the soundtrack as done by... Alan Parsons). So we started looking up trailers for movies that we were thinking of for those that hadn't seen the movies we were mentioning.

We talked about West World, Something Wicked This Way Comes, and The Cat from Outer Space.

It's odd to think of some movies and revisit them to see if they still hold up the same thing that they did for you then, like an old song.

Actually, we got into that too and we watched a few old and "uncensored" Duran Duran videos like Girls on Film (did YOU remember how dirty the video was???) and The Chauffer.



The Chauffer will always be a classic.
Always. (and click on the post title to get the Chris Corner version of it)

This post is dedicated to Soggy at Film Fever and my cousins Pehdroh and Vero.

So I went to spin class (or cycle class, whatever you call it) today and my first observation is GOOD LORD I've never seen so many people there at 3pm on a Saturday, not to mention the LINE in front of me to purchase gym memberships (all I was trying to get was a freakin' water and some change for the locker!). Seriously!

That's not what I wanted to say but I was seriously flabbergasted.

So I went to spin class, like you do and it was about 4:10 (the class started at 4:15) and there was no sign of an instructor. Not too weird. With there being so many people, I've had instructors come in late for sheer lack of parking. 4:15... nothing. 4:25... someone goes to ask the staff about the instructor and to maybe see about getting the stereo working in the mean time. The reason why is that we're all die-hards and no one was willing to leave the class, everyone just kept on spinning (not swimming). I thought, well I've got a bike, which is more than I can say about getting a treadmill out in the gym, let alone being able to run for 45 minutes to an hour, so I was going to stay.

What I loved? With no instructor insight and a mix CD obtained, 2 women decided, hey, why not!? and got up to lead the class. I also loved that we were just... keepin' on the keepin' on. We've (I'm assuming most of the class) all taken classes before and we know what to do to get us going, so even without a leader, we could do pretty well on our own. So why not keep going?

Classic! I loved it! It only comes in second to the class I took in Long Beach where Rudy (one of my favorite insturctors at the downtown 24 hr. fitness) taught a class sans music because the machine was broken. Some people left, but a good bit of us stayed behind with nothing more but his barking orders and shouting encouragment.

I love a challenge.

This is where my health kick comes in. I'm not a health nut. Good lord, no! I drink too much, I smoke from time to time and I don't mind bacon in a few meals or not substituting butter.

I do, however, love the feel of my body moving, of my muscles working.

I was pretty athletic as a kid. It was always one sport or another and I was good at track in junior high. Then there was always my long time love, ballet. I was in ballet for about 7 years and there's nothing that you feel more than the movement of your body, the working of your muscles. It take a lot to keep the leg hovering, the feet in a quick step, the leaps across the floor. In ballet, one works to make one's body make something that takes so much effort look effortless.

I. Miss. This.

I knew I'd never be a ballerina; I just don't have the body type for it even at my pique physique. Still, I adore dancing and I just love the soreness that one gets after a good workout, the kind that reminds you that you have a body and that you can use it. I've always loved to be able to feel the physical aspects, in all ways, of my body. Yes, I'm a very physical person.

This is why I love to feel not only comfortable in my own skin, but also the burn of a good workout, a good run, or a night of dancing.

I'm alive and I like everything that comes with this body.

You know, every year I try to make resolutions. Well, technically I make them but I don't exactly keep them. This year, there's things that I'm working on and I suppose that those would be my resolutions, but I don't feel like calling them resolutions. To me, the term "new year's resolution" has a bad connotation; they are things that people make and don't keep. I never keep them either, that is until last year.

Last year my resolution was to be the best me that I could be and to do (or start doing) the things I wanted to do and not the things I thought I should do or that I thought people wanted me to do. That was actually a little hard but fairly easy (there were a few bumps along the way).

It seems like a cheat to me, though, that my resolution would be to just... be. How weird is it that we need to resolve to do such a thing? Seriously, what's wrong with us?

So this year, in the spirit of just being, I give you my non-resolutions:

- Health: I'm going to continue the going to the gym thing in order to feel right in my own skin. I want to feel the strongest that I've ever felt, and I know that this is how I do it. I learn from experience. Evey time I fall off the wagon, I start feeling crappy. I'm just going to continue working this into my routine.

- Writing: Well, I've tackled a few things and as Dorey says in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming." So I'm going to keep writing, making time for writing, and submitting until something happens, even if it's death that happens. Get me?

- Travel: Well this one's easy! I'm off to London/Paris/Prague in March/April... then Scotland for Asef's wedding and Hogmanay in December.I'd say I have the travel thing down. Travel is important to me and I'm gonna keep doing it... even once I live in Edinburgh ('cause that is a goal, after all).

- Friends: will always be my family, and I'm going to keep making sure they're updated and remembering them and reminding them that I'm around. They mean a lot to me. Communication is important to that, especially when they're that far away.

- Wardrobe: I'm gonna keep on the look out for more Ceci-type articles of clothing and make smarter decisions about what I'm buying and that I LOVE them. I do. I love feeling great in my clothes, especially if I feel great in my own skin.

- The boyo: I'm gonna remember that he doesn't always share my crazy/ understand my crazy and keep on learning the lessons that we learned about how to just... be. Also, I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm not always totally clear with what I say and that his boy-brain processes it differently.

In short, I'm going to just keep swimming.