Sunday, January 25, 2009

This is me talking out my issues.

This is me telling you about what I've chosen and what bothers me... and how there was really no other way.

I could talk to you about the choices I made as a teenager, and I could tell you that I chose not to have a child then but always thought... later.

What do you do if there is no later? Or... what do you do if you don't have to choose that later?

That's what I'm talking about right now.

We make choices as "adults"... and I use that word loosely... about what's best for us.
Is it, really? *shrugs* I don't know. Do you?

Technically, I think that what we choose is always right. It's right for where we're going or what we think. I do know that the big choices, the ones that are marry or not to, car or no, take this job or that one... those things can all be right, they just lead you to different paths. The point is that you have to know which path you're leaning towards. That's what I've discovered, anyway.

The boyo never wanted children. I always felt wishy-washy on the whole subject. Why? I don't know... 2 abortions and promising that one day I'd get it right. Also the fact that I thought that... that one day would come because that is just how life goes; that's how things happen. I never knew (thought?) one had a choice in that.

Marrying the first boyo made me think differently on the whole thing. He badly wanted kids. I kept pushing it aside. Not now. Maybe later. Until finally I wondered, never? What if I wasn't meant to be married? What if I wasn't meant to have kids? What if I was happier being me, and just me,... forever? I figured I didn't want kids. Having the responsibility for anyone else was too much; I didn't want it and the thought didn't stir anything maternal in me.

So, I thought, this is not for me.

Cue the new boyo.

I love him. Truly, deeply, madly. Kids? At first I told him what I had thought: NO! Absolutely not. Didn't want them. Too much for me.

Then... what if... what if we could show this hypothetical (because everyone has one) child what we've learned? What if we could be the parents we always wanted? What if we could show this child all the miracles and dreams that come true when you strive, when you struggle, when you believe? All of a sudden, with the right person, the idea of a child became plausible.

But not now! I mean... now? I mean, maybe later... but not now! We didn't have enough money, we were barely taking care of ourselves. Once the finances were a little better it was more of the question of, well, then we couldn't go to Europe this winter, then we couldn't do what we wanted to.

Therapy, many talks and the wedding made us talk about it... my odd obsession with holding on to the idea, the possibility of maybe someday, even if I didn't want one now.

On Friday (yes, this past one) the boyo was snipped. Yes, he had a vasectomy. We are out of the game (I know it's possible to be reversed but REALLY, really... is that necessary? Let's just call it a win... or a loss, however you choose to see it). I got a little panicky on Thursday as this meant that was it... there was no maybe for me. Not even in a far corner of my head.

Over all I'm ok with this. Logistically, I know why I chose this, why we chose this.

Part of me is a little weepy, though, because there will never be another Ceci, never be another Da5id, or any sort of hybrid of the 2. I will never know how awesome that would or would not have been (although I vote awesome 'cause, come on! How could the kid not be?)

Mainly, there was no way around it. I would never change my mind on the not now unless something big happened to change our circumstances now. How we live, how we want to live, is no place for a child. We would be selfish if we thought that, right now, we could do both.

If anything ever changes and I could do it all... maybe... maybe we'd adopt... but see that? Even
then is it a maybe. That's is why there's no way around it. I have nothing but an instinct perhaps that makes me want to leave a legacy, perhaps it's just written in my DNA; a way to go on, a way to survive. Yet, when I think about it, it's a loud and clear, "oh not now! Heavens, of course not now!"

I think that says something.


Unknown said...

All the itchy and kicked-in-the-junk aside and Ignite 5 prep aside AND getting a needle shoved twice into areas where needles ought not go... i had a moment where i realized this was all very permanent and no longer affected just me but you... and much like when a girl gets pregnant and the royal "we're pregnant" comes up... the royal "we're not going to get pregnant" came up in my head. we're going to be ok... we know this is right. I think we also both know that we don't like definites even when we're definitely sure. Unless that definite is that i love you... and i'm definitely sure about that. I'm sure we're doing this right... I'm sure we're going to be OK.

Ceci Virtue said...

@Da5id I know we're going to be ok... and I do think we're making the right decision. However, I still have these feelings in the background. It comes with every decision we make, you know? The, what if? The might have beens? I think they're only sad if we dote on them too much. However, I also think that one has to acknowledge those feelings, know that they're there and deal with them, even if they are not exactly what we're after, even if we know that that is not a door we wish to open in our lives. It's still a door now MOSTLY shut. I guess I just wanted to express why I shut it and how I felt about it as a whole.

~:{ ... }:~ said...

I'm living proof that there is always a "maybe" out there waiting for someone....for good people. My parents got what they paid for. ::waggles brows::

O, wait... this is coming off as more ominous than it should. :*o

Just remember:
(almost)Anyone can crap out a kid.
It takes amazing people and serious personal
sacrifices to be good parents...and some of
the best parents I've ever known were never
pregnant themselves.
It takes incredibly wise and brave people to
know themselves enough to make peace with
the fact that it just isn't for them...the child thing.


Bee (the one who muses) said...

You know how I feel about it Ceci but I can still understand your second thoughts.

It's hard to explain how we came to our decision but it just was. If we ever change our minds, we will think about giving a little person who doesn't have a chance in life because he was abandoned by his parents our love. But I really don't think I'll change my mind.

Anonymous said...

Second thoughts are from inherent duality of not accepting what is. You've known, in your gut, all along (like me) that you don't want kids. But people like to have options.

I now know from seeing friends with kids what a life-changer they are. And from my perspective, it isn't a positive one.

Lastly, it usually seems inherently self-loving to want kids: "Part of me is a little weepy, though, because there will never be another Ceci, never be another Da5id, or any sort of hybrid of the 2."

That is an ego in love with itself right there.

And since it gets forgotten all the time: you still have an out. If you really, really needed to have a life-wrecker, you could adopt and maybe skip past the shrill shrieking and the poop.

Ceci Virtue said...

Well it's not second thoughts, exactly, it's more like... other thoughts. You might say it's me looking at the might have been and shutting that door, and lamenting it a little.

I know I'm happier this way, but I guess it's just the "I'll never know" of it that makes me a little... sad?

As for people having kids because of ego... maybe some. And yes that DOES sound pretty egotistical, the way I put it. However, there are people that want to make a family, want to have something more than just the 2 of them. I do believe that there's a link there that I will never know.
Am I sad about that? No and yes. No because I don't know what I'm missing and I'm pretty happy with the way things are. Yes because... well, I'll never understand that, never know that. It's unfair to say they're wrong because I don't know that.

It's really a lot more simple than that... less ego, in my opinion. If anything it's my ego in love with the world. I've considered a child more for the fact that I love my life, and I can't see denying anyone of this. I'd like to show someone just how good it can all be, even with the bad, even with the mistakes and everything. I mean we do pass on parts of ourselves to our children so it would be a part of me or Da5id out there in the world. I think of the movie Idiocracy, and I think I personally would like someone like me and Da5id to help populate the world, not some of the asshats that are having kids! I take a easier breath, however, knowing that some of my friends are having kids, because those ARE the people that should be having them. So you might say, with this thought, I feel relieved of my duty and not so bad about my decision.

Also, Ced, it's unfortunate that you've not seen a positive change in the friends with kids. I'm in awe of the people I know with kids because of everything they do for them, and because of how they find that in the end, for them, it's worth it. It's selfless. I don't know the circumstances of your friends, but the people I know didn't go into it lightly, and they waited 'til the timing was... well, the best it could be until they had a kid.

Don't be so in your head about this one, it's more of an emotional response than an analytical.