Sunday, December 14, 2008
Felt so sick today, but cured by your noise. My head in the speaker is drowning out volumes.
Posted by Ceci Virtue at 4:58 PMThis morning I realized that I've spending too much time with the boyo. What I mean by that is that I woke up with a slight sore throat and vile, nuclear-green phlegm. MMMM!!
So we've been home bound and I've been staring out the window wishing I could be out and enjoying the snow. That's right! I said out. I would be out there enjoying the crunch sound that the snow made beneath my boots and catching the snow on my tongue.
I don't know if it's just me, but too much time indoors makes me go something something something. That and it really brings out the worst in me.
Like what?
So a little known fact is that I have social anxiety issues. Weird, huh? Me, the one that gets out there and talks to people and tells you EVERYTHING, including the stuff you don't want to know. Yes, I have social anxiety issues, I can even have my therapist fax you a note if you don't believe me. Somehow they're amplified when I spend too much time without much or any interaction.
*This is Social Anxiety Ceci with her head in the speakers... or rather her headphones on*I went, kids, don't worry, I went.
Know what? It was great! I loved it and I came home inspired. Before I left the class, however, I went up to say "thank you" to Melissa and I felt the anxiety coming on again. I hugged her, I thanked her (it was truly an awesome class!), and then I babbled... and got shaky.
WHY!?
Again, I don't know.
I don't let myself become trapped by these things, but they're there. Sometimes I want to hide and just, not be anyone and not go anywhere. I don't know how to explain it and I wish I knew how to get rid of it. The thing that keeps me going, that makes it not so bad, is that I remember that most people are scared, too. If you're not, please don't tell me (joke!). Seriously, though, we're all human and we all wonder what so-and-so thinks or even how we're coming across. I generally have the over-excited puppy problem sans the pee thing, thank god!
I used to have meds but I stopped taking them when we moved here, as I had no insurance. Oddly, will power and my sickening "I can do anything" attitude have kept me right as rain. This doesn't stop the anxiety from happening, however, it just helps me combat it. I like to think of it as a built-in self-defense mechanism.
So I've a birthday party to go to and having this little chat with you guys has made it ok for me to go out and meet up with the people I know and with the people that I don't know ('cause there's always those there when you're the new kid in town). You'd think it would go away wouldn't you? That's the thing with social anxiety, though, it doesn't - I just have to fight it every step of the way.
*takes a breath*
*The music helps, I can go out now... this is as good as it gets *
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