Reconciling Saints

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I'm supposed to be sleeping...

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep in the past week, so I'm supposed to be sleeping.

I've got this bug in my brain that's not allowing me to sleep without leaving one of the 3 posts that I've got for this little blog of mine. That and I've a story idea that won't leave me alone.

If I don't watch it, I'll be writing all night...

The other thing that's driving me nuts is... how to make $20,000... soon... and once I get something in my head, well, I tend to think about it obsessively. It's like... if I just look hard enough, I'll find the answer.

I suffer from depression. Hmmm.... sometimes I don't see it as suffering, sometimes I see it as I'm blessed with depression. However, then you really start getting more into the crazy and less of the depression. I've a theory that the crazy, which brings on some REALLY bad depression, is worth it because it allows me to be me - it's what makes me truly live life. Without the crazy, I wouldn't see things so vividly and I wouldn't feel things so strongly and I wouldn't hear music as keenly.

When they started me on anti-depressants a little over 3 years ago, I was afraid to go on them because I didn't want to stop seeing the world the way I saw it. I also thought that I should be able to handle this on my own, shouldn't need a pill to make it better. The problem was that the depression part was out of hand and I needed to do something about it before it engulfed me and I became it... before I lost the beauty and saw only the heart-breaking. I've been through 3 ...4? different meds and I finally feel that I'm on the right one. It was a struggle and it took a lot of persuading from Leigh and Da5id, but here I am... a lot happier for it.

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How can I put this?

Currently, the pills that were working so well aren't working. In part, I'm sure, because of the fiasco, but also because I have to stay at my parents' house. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for their support and help, but we don't see life the same way... and my mom REALLY doesn't like that I'm on anti-depressants.

Today's arguement...s... were:
1) I shouldn't go many places because it's wasteful of my gas and since I have limited money, I shouldn't waste it. This one was my dad...
2) my clothes... I packed for winter in Europe, and I'm in Southern California where it's basically summer. Not to mention that because I've been wearing the same suitcase-full of clothes for the past 3 months, they're starting to show the wear and tear of that... and the colors are fading from all the washing. My mother makes it sound like I have a choice to wear anything else... everyday it's "You're going to wear that?!" followed by "But it's too hot outside!" or, "but it's so faded!" I don't know what she expects me to do about it
3) The anti-depressants are, in my mother's opinion, making it worse. If I stop taking them I should get better - that's her theory. Part of me would LOVE to stop them for a while to show her... but I remembered the last time I was off of them and, especially with everything going on right now, I'm frightened as to how bad it would be.

If I could just get some more money, I could fix this fiasco sooner, not have to rely on my parents and most likely move to Portland to do what I was supposed to do at the beginning of April.

The dilemma is this: I'm sure this is all going on for a reason... and part of that reason is that I put myself here. SO! I need to find out what I'm supposed to get out of this and learn from my mistakes in the hopes of coming out of this as a better me. Therefore, I cannot try to find a quick fix for this. However, the arguments are making it so that the Welbutrin is not a strong enough dose to battle all the emotions raging inside me and the more frequent fits of depression that I've been prone to lately.

I'm afraid that I'm being whittled down... that my sanity is being put to a HUGE test... and that, come July, I may have fallen off the deep end. I'm not sure how to view this, not sure what I'm supposed to do. It feels like my head will explode when I'm in the middle of it all... and then, hours later, like it is now, I feel like I just have to learn how to not let it get to me.

I wish I knew which it was... I wish I knew that I was actually making progress here instead of just... getting worse. I hate thinking that I won't be able to get through this well if I have to continue to live with my parents because it's not thinking positively. It's so hard, though... it's so hard when... it's more than just what you see here in print. I cannot describe how the words are said... or how severely depressed my mother is and how half the things she says are negative making this a really bad atmosphere to be in. It's difficult also because she doesn't see it... she will always be the victim and anyone who has anything bad to say to her is trying to hurt her and therefore the bad guy.

I hate the fact that it always comes down to money. I have to learn to not let it come down to money because there are ways around things without it. Yet, I have to figure out how to deal with my mother's sort of crazy without letting it affect my crazy.

I don't want to be a bad crazy... I just want to be able to see the good again... the vibrant, the passion, the more! Instead I get weaker and stop myself from progressing... I give into the feelings that my mother produces in me, which makes me despise my crazy instead of love it. I worry that, maybe one day, I'll be as bad as my mother...so far gone that I'll be a shell of who I was... making life hard to bear for those around me and even harder for myself.

I am here... this is where I find myself - emotionally, physically and literally.