Reconciling Saints

...well, maybe more like the Not Nice Pinks.

I'm not AS bad as a Mean Reds day... but it's threatening.

which sucks 'cause I'm not even hung over. Generally I get this when I've drunk too much and the alcohol counteracts my meds. I'd at least have liked to enjoy a good night drinking!

There's a lot of things coming into play here that I think are causing it:
- PMS(... yes.. it does affect me)
- I'm touch deprived... OH so touch deprived
- I'm homesick
- I'm soulsick
- The living situation

Today I managed not to pick a fight with my mom. YAY! I was so close too... but I decided I'd just shut up instead of reacting... The topic of discussion: 1) Hourly vs. Yearly wage AND 2)That more women are leaving their husbands these days (after asking me how Da5id's doing... which was a bad day to ask). The former was because she asked me how much I used to make an hour and I told her that I didn't know but I knew what I made a year. She called me dumb and said no wonder I was taken advantage of (she likes to hit below the belt). I told her that perhaps a judge would have pity for this dumb girl, then. After that I let her rant and continued eating dinner.

The latter came about as I was letting her use my laptop to look at my sister's wedding pictures. She wondered aloud if the groom had told the bride how he thought she looked in her wedding dress. She went on to say that it's a pity that men forgot how they first felt about their wives when they first met them and how they should be reminded about that. I just let her keep talking. Then she went on to say that she read an article stating that more women (as opposed to the usual suspect, the man, I guess) these days were having affairs because they are tired of being taken for granted.
...
and I wonder where I get my complexes from!

I let that one go as well.

Unfortunately, these saintly acts were overshadowed by the fact that I picked a fight with the boyo. I decided to blow up on him instead (oddly, however, long before my mother's conversation with me). That one had to do with emotional communication... oddly.

It's not just him, though. I found that today I was upset to see my inbox so empty. I feel like I'm having a one sided conversation with my friends. Generally, I post on here so I can hit everyone at once... but perhaps these musings are better left to email... personal. Although, that doesn't always work... which is why I got mad at the boyo...

I miss conversation...I miss people... I miss the people I had long conversations with over dinner and/ or drinks. Thank God Stephen calls me at night to see how I'm doing! Matt's called a couple of times, too... and that's helped. Still! I feel like I'm not even really here in my hometown.

A lot of it has to do with the situation, that being that I don't have a lot of money and that I'm moving to Portland.. at some point in the ... distant? near? future. Technically, everyone prepared for me to leave in April... and perhaps to most I'm already gone in a sense.

I have this DEEP desire to RUN away... to buy a ticket tomorrow and leave for PDX. (yes, I looked and the cheapest ticket leaves Saturday and would cost me $225) The idea of having my life back makes the blood race through my veins. The idea of a new city to explore, and to explore it with Da5id, makes my heart do flips. The weather! The weather itself makes me yearn to be there. It's so close it drives me MAD!

This year my birthday, which I usually make a big deal about, will be understated. I hinted at a gathering on Saturday to my mom but she didn't take the bait. Liz's is gonna try to see about having dinner on Monday... but other than that... nothing. No party can be had, no Gay Pride weekend in Long Beach, no 9am Margaritas. I'm not sure if this is me being selfish or childish... but it makes me very sad. No Da5id either. Of course, with the way things are going there... I'll be lucky if a I get an ecard from him.

OK... this is getting to be too much... I'm gonna stop this before the Mean Reds role in... as they seem to be doing.