Thursday, May 15, 2008

What if ...??

my first thought is a question...
does anyone really like they way the look all the time??
I mean sometimes I like the way I look... but others... not so much.
Right now I'm of the latter opinion.

I think I just need a haircut... and new clothes hahahaha

I was thinking about my upcoming birthday and how lately it seems like I'm going on 15 not 32. Last night I had a revolution, as Dylan would say. That's right! I waged war on myself... as well as had a revelation ... one can do that you know.

I’ve been thinking about my complaints of living here at the parents’ house. It’s true… they treat me like I’m 15. I have to let them know where I’m going (of course, that’s also just out of courtesy) and I think about where I go and what I tell them I’m doing. I mean… I’ve not done anything bad… but I can see that I edit for content. I’m not sure why and the only thing that I can think of is that it’s habit. Well, there are times that it’s called for. For example, once I told my mom where I was going and mentioned that Clark would be there and she let me know that she didn’t think it I should be hanging out with Ex-boyfriends when my husband is so far away. I’m serious, she said that.

Other times I think about where it’s coming from vs. what they are saying and I find that I do it out of deference to them… and then complain about how I hate being treated like I’m 15.

Wait wait wait… I just happened to glance over at the weather widget and it’s supposed to be 100˚F on Friday! Oy to the VEY!


It seems that a lot of what’s going on… might … and I do means might as… well, I’m still gonna take this line of thinking with a grain of salt… might just be something I’m perpetuating.
It seems that with parents, and I’ve seen this with a coupe of people, we sort of get stuck in a routine… or even an idea of them, albeit an old one. I suppose that they, too, see us, their children in much the same way. We focus on how that person “is” and never see the change… or even try to change.

I think… I think that my parents’ view of me is being perpetuated by…me!

I might be somewhat wrong… but it’s worth looking into … and, as I was discussing with Dora, I can see when I let them do it. I mean… if they say something that I don’t like, I don’t have to fly of the handle, even if it’s what I was expecting… actually, especially since it’s what I was expecting.

They try to push those buttons and because the buttons are so used to it, the buttons get pushed! It’s an instant reaction, and it’s something that I can see that I may have control over. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before.

I mean, yes, I’d love for them to react differently, but if they don’t… that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to. I don’t have to agree with them… I just have to not let them get to me.

I think the test here is to see if I can actually do it. There’s such a deeply ingrained prejudice that I react almost instantly, at the merest hint of a word.

Perhaps… well, maybe perhaps I’m not a prisoner of them after all, but a prisoner of myself. That is something I cannot runaway from… and will have to fix all on my own. Without it, what good will moving do if I still let them control me?