Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Some not so surprising news...

This is what I look like/feel like/ am doing today:

I'm hiding out at home.

See the eyes?? They're red and... well you can't tell from the picture but they're splotchy.

Today I took a day to work from home to try to refocus... I've restarted therapy and I had my second official session yesterday. Thus far the word being thrown about as to my issues and why I keep ending up here: Bipolar.

...Ok, so my last therapist did mention that it was a high possibility, but there were other issues we were working on that we thought we'd revisit it later. It should come to no surprise, but I guess what got me was not just that it meant a cycle of depression, but all the other symptoms, some of which I thought were just me and not all of which I hate.

The manic part is apparently the part the contains some of the stuff I like about me. To be told that it's not me, that it's some misfiring of chemicals or what have you, just kind of makes me question... well... me.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this... and it all makes sense... but... it's like... well, how can I put this without sounding crazy?! It's like being told that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, but YOU'RE Santa Claus!

That sounds nuts doesn't it?

It explains a whole HELL of a lot... and it makes me hope that there are things that I can work on that will make it all better. I'm still sorter scared that I'm going to lose something of me, though, and I hate that it makes me wonder, well, what IS the real me?

Dunno.

7 comments:

Pehdroh said...

And I thought bi-polar was how you described the sexual orientation of certain bears in the artic... I am sorry, I probably should not be making light of this, but the truth is, m'dear, that a term for a condition does not a person make... it doesn't matter what a doctor thinks you may or not have... it does not make you the person you are...and deep down inside you know who that is, so don't let a medical term decide that for you. It does not matter if it is chemical misfires that are causing certain traits (and careful with them chemical misfires, the last time I had one, Red got pregnant) - if you like a certain trait about you then that's who you are... damn it to hell what's causing it... you can always keep it, adopt it, and make it yours... don't doubt who you are - ever. You're a wonderful and beautiful person - the condition only tells you why you react to certain things certain ways... it is a way of understanding these emotions and controlling them... then you keep the ones you want and discard the ones you don't... You are Ceci - one of the funniest, most creative and talented people I have ever had the honor of knowing... and you're my cousin whom I love with all my heart... never forget that...

Anonymous said...

Awww Ceci I know those days. I just stay in bed and sleep all day too. Hope you feel better soon.

--C said...

Think of it as:

another skirmish in the good fight,

more for you to write about,

an excuse " Errr, my bipolar is acting up, I gotta go!

another stepping stone to maturity (ok that one was lame)

another character trait, "Ah, yes, that Ceci is so interesting..."

another thing to make your own...like not just BP but CBP (cecilious bipolarism?)

I like you just the way you are, allergies and all

MUAH MUAH preciosa!

Ceci said...

@Pehdroh- No no! I think you should make light of this. Hell, I should make light of this! The problem is that I got caught up in a loop of what this means. Mainly, it was the symptoms that threw me. Also, if I do need meds (which signs point to most likely), what will that change? What if it gets rid of things I like??? I'm not too happy about that. Thank you for the words of encouragement though... and I'm glad you like who I am. I've always looked to you to be one of the few in my family that understands me... even when we lost touch. I would always wonder what you would say if I could get a hold of you.
I guess I'm just not sure of what will happen to that girl, especially if I do decide this is just me. Get me?

@Anonymous- M? Paige? ummm.... Amander??? That's basically what I did... basically. Except I went to the gym for a couple of hours. It helped a bit. Then I sat in the tub and felt the water shower down on me. That was nice too.

@--C - Kristis! MUAH! I love these... I will have to jot them down in my moleskine and bookmark it so that I can bring them up when I need them. It's not that I wasn't expecting it... it's just that it involves so much more. So many things make more sense now, but they also make me question, "well, then what is me?" Does that make sense?

Bee said...

My husband has never been depressed. I know he tries to understand but he seems impatient sometimes.

I gave him an example one day.

It's like being in a pitch black room with absolutely no light and you're looking for the door and you know it was just there but you can't find it. You get frustrated with yourself and start berating your intelligence but you also don't want to ask for help for fear people will think you're weak.

I tend to just want to be left alone but he thinks he can make me feel better by just hugging me. Sweet but...

~:{ ... }:~ said...

You will not loose "you."
Just turning down the volume
a little bit...your fantastic
insight and enthusiasm will
still be there. You'll still
speak the same words, just in
a different language.

Ceci said...

@Bee - Awww! Your boyo is cute... hahahah! I understand... except I'm the opposite and need the hug where as my boyo is the one that needs to be left alone. I like your analogy. The weakness is a problem for me especially since you think, "Surely, I should be able to handle this??"

@~:{ ... }:~ - The drugs I will use if I have to. I will know if and when, though. I'm going to combat it with what I know now and up the gym going as well as have my regular therapist sessions. I know it's still me... but it's also... not. I've learned this from the Lexapro I had before the Welbutrin (the last anti-depressant I was on)and I was just less...fire-y. Mind you I didn't feel a thing until I was off it and that's when I noticed that HEY... I had been a little subdued... Go fig.

Again, that I will leave up to further diagnosis/ how bad it gets.