Reconciling Saints

You know... there are times when I go negative and cyclical and I'm fighting... for myself, for what I stand for and for what I think is right.

Today is one of those days.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the one who isn't understood, the one that has to be the adult and the one who has to do the understanding. I feel like I'm the one who has to bend over backwards to make sure everyone ELSE is ok.

Here's the problem: I shouldn't be looking at this in a "Why can't I be the one that people HAVE to understand!" *stamps foot* That's what my therapy is for; I'm supposed to gain the tools to live as an adult in my day to day life.

You know what, though??? Sometimes that's really fucking hard!

Today was one of those days.

Today a lot of things were pushed, shall we say, to a head.

I wanted to burn things down. I wanted to watch it all go up in flames. I didn't care about histories, I didn't care if I really loved these people to the core of my being.

I

was

tired!

"I tried; I gave up," to quote Mr. Reznor.

I'm tired of what seems to be chasing after people that, for good or bad, truth or half-truths, left me/ don't want me. I know that I should just take things as I should and I know that not all situations are as dire as they seem... still, still... I'm tired and I would like a moment to be weak... or at least a light at the end of the tunnel because right now... it's VERY dark!

I'm tried of chasing friends to talk to me. I'm tired of trying to give explanations as to what, why and when things happened. I'm tired of people not trusting me, not giving me a chance and I'm tired that my own issues are not taken into account.

Childish, no?

This is not life. Thinking that everyone should understand is not what it's about. There are things that are worse than this. There are bigger problems. My feeling understood, what friends do or do not understand me, is all ridiculous. I get it. I do... and it makes me feel so lucky sometimes that the mental issues are all I have to deal with.

Please, please understand that this does not make it any less real nor easier to handle. Merely, it's what keeps me aligned.

I can't tell you how scared I am that one day I won't know the difference and there will be nothing but monsters everywhere and reality will cease to be distinguishable.

I acknowledge that my... disease? condition?? handicap??? is real, and that doesn't mean I don't have to fight it and that I can't be sure that one day it won't take over.

"let me be weak
let me sleep
and dream of sheep."

I wish I didn't have this reaction. I wish people didn't trigger a kill or be killed reaction.

I wanted to burn it all down. I wanted to destroy whole relationships, sever ties to places and people, leaving everything impossible to restore. I wanted nothing to do with who I am and what I usually do. I wanted to be like what I felt everyone else was like. I wanted no understanding of anyone else's feelings but my own, no one to be responsible for but myself.

I.

AM.

TIRED!!!

...
but I can't. I can't stop being me, can't stop understanding and trying and reaching out. Because of this I will always be open to hurt and I will put myself in odd and awkward situations, good or bad, and for my friends, whether perceived or not.

God I hate it when that happens. REALLY! That usually means that, for me, there's an effect, whether people see it or not. Just because you can't see it or don't believe that it's there, does not mean it's not hard for me nor that it doesn't affect me strongly.

*sigh* How DO I talk about this without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself??

I'm just tired... and crazy... and things get all screwed up.

I don't want to prove myself to people. I don't want to WANT to fit into your world and have to figure out HOW to do so. Especially... especially... not after all the bullshit I have to deal with when it comes old friends believing my motives and whether or not I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me with this shit??? Me?? Not SORRY???

You know... if I can't understand that someone else has issues too, that I may have to jump certain hoops to get to know you and that I feel like someone is making this all about them... well I guess I'm not playing well with others. Really... really... over all I'm not always so fucking worried about that.

...

the stupid thing is... I will, in the long run and after fighting against the tantrums (had or not), actually do the thing that is harder for me to do; the adult thing to do.

...

That doesn't mean that I won't have a tantrum because...

well.... I'm just tired.