Reconciling Saints

I have a journal at the side of my bed that I call The Nightmare Book. I'm also trying to get my other website to mirror it a bit, but with more copy and idea editing, but not for content. The journal is everything I feel, think, see thrown up on paper so I'd like to make it a little more cohesive.

The purpose for it is for me to write out all the stuff I think about that's negative, all the things I'm dealing with when it comes to battling the manic, the depression and the cognitive distortion. This way, it has a release and the concept is that I'll put it in the book and hopefully not let it out into the world. It's also supposed to be a tool for me to go back to situations to see where things went wrong, happened and/ or what triggered it.

I'm still having a hard time actually doing this... and never have I needed it more than this week. It's usually something I do in my spare time, like on the bus or on my break or something. This week I find that I need it near me at all times due to the "assignment" that my therapist has given me. I'm not supposed to physically or verbally react to situations but instead let the reaction happen in me, notice the feeling's wash through me, and try to figure out what made me mad/ if it's valid/ what the trigger is/ how to get past it.

It's only sort of working. 

It's really hard for me to do this as the emotions are so intense and it all feels so real, perceived or otherwise. 

I'm trying. I'm fucking up. I'm learning. I'm dusting myself off and trying again. 

In doing so I'm losing people, but I'm gaining understanding of myself and what I need. I'm also learning how to function a little more normally... Well, at least learning not to see monsters everywhere.