Reconciling Saints

I'm stuck in a "meh." What it is, I can't exactly say although I think it may be due to a) my period and b) the aftermath of the crazy.

I am crazy. Sometimes I forget that and I think I'm a functioning person and then, just when I least expect it... BAM! the crazy comes along.

Never forget that my thinking is flawed. Never forget that this brain does not differentiate good vs. bad very well. Never forget that I'm liable to breakdown at any second. Never forget that sometimes I see Monsters everywhere when it's only me.

I hate this.

Mainly because it affects my loved ones but also because I feel like it's an excuse for the dumb shit I do. I don't like making excuses; I always feel like I need to take responsibility for what I did wrong, admit it and learn from it. However, I'm learning that sometimes there's no rhyme or reason as to what I do, sometimes I don't even know it's wrong until too late. Granted, there have been things I've been very cognitive about and I will own up to those as I SHOULD have listened to the nagging voice telling me it wasn't really a good idea. The voice was generally overpowered by thinking that that was the answer, that was the only way. Yet there are times when there really is no rhyme or reason to decisions I've made.

I make my bed and I lie in it, whether it was something controllable or not. 

I realize that my friends have a choice to take it or not, to put up with it or not, to be friends with me or not due to the crazy. Well, that is to say that I know that now since the diagnosis. Before I thought it was their fault or my fault or both. Losing a friend was really hard for me because of this. Now... now I see it as fair if this happens because no one but the boyo has to put up with me. Truth be told, even he doesn't have to..

Lately a lot has come to pass. Yesterday in therapy work was done to help me in those times when my brain sees nothing at ALL wrong with my actions or words. At that time they're right; there's no voice nagging or anything. It just is. It's like I'm missing a moral button, sensitivity button or even a NORMAL way to see things button.

Monday I forgot to take my meds but didn't realize it until I was walking home from the bus stop. I took them as soon as I got in the house, thoroughly confused as to how I could have forgotten this and not realized until I had that electric shock buzz-y feeling like a come down from ecstasy. I stared at the bottles trying to figure out if I had, despite the feeling, taken them. As I looked at the last Lamictal, I wondered, was there supposed to be one there or was it that there should have been one left after Monday (I had calculated that as I called my prescription in on Saturday) ? Everything had fallen apart that day. My reactions to people, situations and work. I had a hard time watching Monday night's movie after I took the meds because I felt too much along with the character. 

When I got home Da5id cuddled with me as I cried in bed and said it would be ok. I told him I hated it... I hated what happened when I make one little slip up or when the bipolar merely rears its head. He reminded me that I was still suffering from the effects of seeing my mother. She always manages to damage me with the negativity, the cognitive distortion, the bitterness and the bad home life. He says if she does this to me again he's telling my dad that I'm not allowed to see her anymore and why. 

A lot of times I forget the bad about the bipolar and I fight for what I like about it. When the bad hits (and it always does) it scares the hell out of me and makes me wonder how I survive and how anyone can live with me or be friends with me. 

I am the monster. Never forget that.