Reconciling Saints

Good morning ...er... afternoon(... it's late, I know)... kids!

Just a quick reminder to let you know that today is the last day to see Coraline in 3D! Tomorrow brings the Jonas Bros. Ew.

SO! Go see it if you haven't yet. TOTALLY worth it in 3D.

I'm shedding my old skin. I don't know what made me say this but it's been rolling around in my head for a while now, and it feels true.

First of all, they say that getting sick is your body's way of telling you to STOP! Unfortunately, I did not heed the warnings. I'm a lot better now, but still not at 100%, so I'm trying to take it as easy as possible so that I can enjoy my weekend with Amanda.

AH! It starts. The traveling. The friends from everywhere.

I've always wanted a big family, but not in the sense of relatives. Well, I wasn't going to limit it to that, shall I say. I like the idea of people that I connect with that I get to see from time to time. I like that my friends, my family are without boundaries. No matter where in the world they are, I'm still connected to them. I like that we can gather at odd times in different cities and countries and connect... reconnect... strengthen our connection.

This is family. This is what makes my heart swell when I think of my friends.

Last night I got a phone call from my dear friend, Stephen, and we were on forever, even when I knew that I should be in bed. We talked about everything... he made me cry, he made me wonder, he made me defensive. I love it! Stephen is in Kentucky. We adore each other and each others' spouses and friends. I love this connection.

It's odd, after all this talk about being childfree and all the nonsensical stereotypes that go with it, I start to reconnect with my family. I'll have visitors in March (through Stephen, the Kentucky contingency) and in April from the old Long Beach neighborhood. I'll be in Connecticut this weekend for Amanda and in Europe in March/ April to see Maile, David, Liad, Rain, Ami (I hope), Tim, Anthony, Nassrin and anyone else that I might meet. It's time to appreciate what I do have and what I have created, even if it's not the traditional sense of family.

I leave you with some pics of Stephen and me from my wedding last year. *sigh* I heart that boy, he always reminds me of who I am.

First morning in PDX. The Governor Hotel. I'm pretty sure we'd been drinking lots already.

The rehearsal dinner. Can you feel the love? I'd also like to mention that people came from all over. That was pretty awesome too. My parents thought no one would go.

Stephen was my handler before the wedding. I was a wreck and had been drinking for 3 days. I was nervous about all those people watching! It shows! The makeup artist had to earn her keep.

Woah!

It's Wednesday and there's a shitload going on that's making me say, "woah!"

Notice that it's "woah" and not wow?

I will give you only one story, however, of the "Woah"s.

...

One of the guys I work for plays cello. Just started about a year ago, really. We got into a conversation last week about how I'd always wanted to learn to play and have been seriously considering taking it up. Coincidentally, he has one for sale! How much? $800.

*winces*

I've paid more for a musical instrument, honestly, so it's not like I don't know how much they are nor do I have a problem paying that much. It's just... I'm going to Europe in a month! It may be a bit much to ask for this on top of all that.

I didn't want him to see my balk at the price so I just kept talking to him about it and he offered to bring it in for me to play with it. I said ok.

Today, he brought it in and he played me some stuff he knows. The sound made me melt!
MELT! I could feel it in my bones. Then he told me to try it and sat me down with the thing. He showed me how to hold the bow and told me not to worry about my left hand. I tentatively tried it and he instructed me to let my arm go, to just drop the weight on the bow... and I did. The note reverberated in my chest and down my body. I was in awe.

Melt... does not even begin to describe it...

*weeps*

... and I have YET to post something?!

It's 'cause I'm sick and I am ache-y and stuffy and cranky and other things that end with a 'y.'

I miss the gym.
I miss breathing.

I miss YOU!

Oh and Eddie the Shipboard computer was off being repaired, but the Apple store just called me and he's good to go! WEE HEE! (another reason I haven't been posting, since Ed was sickies)

*cough*

... and I feel electric.

I leave you with videos.
Music is my life-blood.



and because I'm gay:


and to ignite you all on ignite, watch this:

I often wish that my posts could be as funny as my chats with Jane. We're silly on our chats and pretty darn funny! If you read our chats you would think, "Now that's some funny shit! I wish I could be friends with them!"

You can't read our chats, though, because, aside from being damn funny, they're also full of LOTS of secret information about the world, the universe and everything. Things you can't know... things that men dressed in black wearing sunglasses would whisk you away into their black sedans never to be seen again FOREVER!... for.

Where was I ??

Only the boyo gets access to some of the funniest shit said on our chats... and only some!

Anyway, my talks with Jane are very important and today they have been doubly so because my head is so full of fluff and snot... that I really can barely do anything else. As someone at lunch pointed out today (Paige? I think,)it's the kind of sick where one feels guilty staying home because the cold is not that bad, but at work it's VERY annoying. That's me. I'm annoying... I mean, the cold's annoying.

She's currently keeping me from just staring at the stuff I'm updating for our website. Instead, I change a little something and then run back to our chat... then make another change... and run to the chat... and make a change... and... well, you get the picture.

My throat currently feels like I've licked the entire road from LA to Vegas, missed Vegas, ended up in SLC and had to lick my way back. NO WATER! It also sort of pinches at the very back, and longs for water... which, when given, it makes my sphincter pucker from the pain. That's right! I can feel my sore throat in my ass! This bites, yo!

It is important that Jane entertain me to keep me working(of sorts) because if I'm too sick to work, then I'm too sick to go out and there's no WHEY that I'm missing out on tonight.

With that being said, I will be at Ignite Portland 5 tonight, probably feeling a little shitty, but with the help of my friend, Wine-ona, I'll be DANDY!

What's Ignite, you ask? It's only the BEST, MOST FUN and ENTERTAINING evening of your life (right after Backfence, of course!) People give presentations on all sorts of things. All kinds of people. Rabbis, students, famous people... You know, like the infamous(so famous she's IN famous) Melissa Lion. See? I know people... or at least I follow them around for their events.

It ends up being a fun and drunk time with all sorts of information being presented to you in 5 minute(that's 20 slides, so 15 seconds per slide) intervals. It's just... I don't know how else to explain it. Head + Cold = Duh!, remember?

Go here to find out more:



Ok, ok... nothing more to see here. Shoo!
Go find your own Ignite!

Remember in school they used to have the morning announcements read over the P.A. (later going on to TV once I was in high school... ugh! Channel One... )???

This is kinda like that...

First of all, if you've yet to see Coraline in 3D, you have until the 26th before the Jonas Bros. *makes a face* take over the 3D screens.

Don't get me started on the Jonas Bros.

I'm sick again. I woke up yesterday with A NEW SORE THROAT! (not a new wardrobe or anything that you'd shout like that... but I'm trying to put a positive spin to it.) Allergies? Possibly. All I know is that being sick SUCKS!

If you're wondering WHY I have a blacked-out picture, it's 'cause I'm copying Stephen Fry taking part in the New Zealand blackout protest against insane copyright law. Go here to read about it: http://tinyurl.com/cejcb8

and I'm sure you want to see...

See that whiny post from Friday?

Well, I toddled over to Girl's Gone Child 'cause I'm addicted to the mommy blogs (I look at them like big-sisters... everything I want to be when I grow up... except sans kids) that night and I found this post.

I got told, kids, I got told.

Seriously! What am I thinking?! In this economy, in what could get REALLY ugly REALLY fast... I'm complaining about not having everything I want?! There are so many people in some bad places out there, people who have reached their limits and have been pushed to the very edge. What would they do to survive? For their families? I know what I'm capable of, and it's not pretty.

I feel lucky after reading the stories that Rebecca has put up of her encounters with our current economy. Very lucky. The boyo and I are well employed with jobs that seem (hey, you never know) very secure at the moment and we've got a place to live and food to eat. That's really fucking great, if you ask me!

I know people who are not as lucky. My father-in-law up until last week (huzzah!) was unemployed since Dec. 1st, and they didn't tell us until Christmas as they didn't want us to worry. We talked about places to find jobs, what works, and what doesn't in the search for a job each time we saw them. You could see that they were worried, and yet they still worried about us, that the boyo and I were doing well in our jobs, that we were still secure.

Rebecca of Girl's Gone Child is starting a blog to collect stories of how these hard times are affecting everyone. The blog is called Portraits of the Economy where you can write your own post on the state of our economy and the effect on you, your friends and family, your neighborhood and any of your environs. You can email your stories to rebeccawoolf at gmail dot com or just go check out the site and contact her from there.

I'd also like to point you to Post to the President, where they're trying to compile letters from people in hopes that the president can hear our voices, know our stories.

I've always believed in the power of storytelling. A story can be a powerful thing when you hear it, especially when you know that these are stories coming from around us, people just like you and me that are just trying to get by. These stories are more than just stories, they're faces of the reality of our current economic situation.

I'd like to urge you to read and contribute if you have anything you'd wish to share. Our voices are what rouse and shape change. Use them.

It's been nutty.

Truly nutty! Mainly for a lot of people around me. Last night a friend asked, "Has everyone lost their fucking minds?!"

You know... maybe???

Nutty.

My vibe of wonder, of anything can happen as long as I just do... is starting to peter out. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm impatient.

All of a sudden I look at everything and I wonder, how in the hell is all this supposed to happen? Where did all the good go??

Life will do that to you I guess. Especially when you can see a wave of things coming.
For example, the boyo has been worried about the car, my bug. It seems that the clutch is slipping. Well, it doesn't just SEEM that way... it IS slipping. What the actually problem might be, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I had it replaced last year right around this time before we went to Europe... or maybe it was before Christmas? Anyway... it's only been AT MOST a little over a year. That's gonna be repairs we hadn't counted on.

I'm going to Europe which is in the budget but now is looking a little... frivolous? Difficult? I don't know.

... I keep thinking that if I just do, it will.

I will do with my life what I would like to. The traveling will one day be something that won't tax us.

I will keep writing my silly little stories. I will keep posting my silly little blogs. They're mostly for my friends and bit for me, and that should make me happy for now. Still, I keep thinking of a lyric from James' "Sit Down":
If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor

I wish I didn't know that there was so much more that I want from life. I wish I didn't know that things were possible. No... no I don't.

I wish I could just believe all the time and not have doubt.

I'm trying to keep thinking that I just need to do, and I'm sure you're all with me when I say, right now, that's looking a little difficult.

not to read articles/blogs/etc. about the "Childfree-by-choice movement"

It ends up distracting me, makes me sad that both sides missed the point, and makes me long for a community where I could find support like the mommy-types have.

*sigh* I always go into them hoping for a new spin on things, someone championing the cause of those of us who are not Militant, angry, nor prejudice against children and their parents and I always come away sorely disappointed.

I need to log off the internet now. It seems like I very sad and biased place (Yes, I know this is a funny statement).

Do you ever do that thing in your office bathroom when someone's in one stall and you hurry to one that's not next door to the one occupied?

Also, when you're in a stall and you notice that the other person (assuming there is one) in another stall is leaving, do you dawdle to make sure you don't meet up with that person? (mainly 'cause you don't want to do that whole exchange of Hellos in the bathroom?

Sometimes I do and I wonder... WHY!?

Who cares?! It's the freakin' toilet! We ALL know what happens in the toilet.

... although I do have problems if I tooted. I know it's the bathroom! However, if there are 2 people in there (me and someone else) and it wasn't them, they're gonna know it was me when we meet at the sink. Then, they will forever think of me as "Tooting Girl" when they pass me in the hall.

...

just sayin' ...

I'm slowly getting over my cold. This morning I still felt weak and tired so I decided I'd go into work late. I'm not sure if it helped... but maybe it did. Either way, I took it easy this morning in hopes that it would make the Sickness Gods happy. Eh! Who knows?!


It was made known to me by Chloe that Blossom Dearie died recently. Here's the obituary from the Telegraph. She was 82 and had quite the full life. Sad, yet... life. I can only hope to make as much of it as she did.


...

For anyone who would like to see better pictures of the Coraline premiere after party, go here. There was a lot to see and my phone can only store so many photos!

I forgot to mention that I did get to meet Neil Gaiman (thanks to Scott asking) and Prime even got a picture of us. He was so great and excited and just, well he was just as exited as I was to be there and see the awesome things that came from an idea he had, his book, that grew into its own world... its own life! I felt like we were both fans there together in awe of what life throws out there. I congratulated him on winning the Newbery Award and he was very excited about that! Genuine awe seemed to influence his enthusiasm. Neil, if you were just tired and trying to rally, you did a good job of it! I'm sure that you were just as awed by the creations at the after party as I was.
...

Yes, people, not that I think many but my friends and few stumblers read it... but I still write what I want to say on here, not that I think it will get much attention. So if I have a message for Neil Gaiman on my blog, I won't be hurt or concerned if he doesn't read it. It's like talking to myself in a way... or... or at least putting it out there. To those that ask, "Why?" I respond with a, "Why not?" I mean I reply to things Amanda Palmer and Stephen Fry say on Twitter for goodness sake! They might see it, but if they don't, they don't!

Silly = good. Therefore, I'm being silly :P

In other news...

I'm the traveling girl!

I'll be in Connecticut at the end of the month to see Lydia a play by Ocatvio Solis as done by the Yale Repertory Theater. My good friend Amanda designed the costumes for it and it's her last piece prior to graduation this June. Thank you, Amanda for the chance to see it! I'm TRULY, truly grateful and I owe you BIG!

She inspires me that one... that why I keep being silly and keep writing the silly little things that I write that amuse me and my friends.

THEN!

Then at the end of March I'm off to EUROPE! Partially for Mlle_Aubergine's birthday and partially to spend time with 2 more friends that will be graduating this year, Maile in Paris and David in London. I figured it was easier to see them early to be able to hang out than to go when everyone else will be there for their graduations and not have some quality time hanging out/ get to see them in their day to day lives just... doing! So this will be a big celebration for a birthday, and 2 more friends getting their master's degree.

... almost makes me want to go back to get mine... but not enough. Mainly because it's the boyo's turn to go back to school... not mine... also, I was not fond of doing things that I wasn't interested in that I needed in order to graduate.

In preparation for Paris I'm putting myself through a rigorous review of my french. I give myself lessons and make myself do homework every night. I'm also reading some of my books in french.

Aside from that, I'm working on a story for one of David's school films. Just a short. It's difficult in what he's looking to do, but I think I have just the idea to make it work.

OH and last, but NEVER least, @morganpdx gave me some sugar on her blog. Due to the Hallmark holiday coming up, she wrote a post on giving some love to her fellow bloggers and stuck a link to my Coraline picture post.

Taking her lead, I'd like to spread the love to the following:
- the love passer-on-er herself @morganpdx
- my favorite mom-tian, Juggle Jane
- an Oregon writer that inspires me, Melissa Lion
- another funny mom I follow, Ashley's Closet
- Crissy Queen of Fucking Everything who I found through Melissa Lion.
- Except for Jane, I didn't list the ones listed in the list of blogs I follow, 'cause they get love everyday from me. Jane's special... what can I say? (pssst! Jane, I take paypal! You can "thank me" later!)

I'm sick.

Wasn't I just sick? I blame Lillie. :P

That's why I haven't updated. I've felt like CRAP!

I leave you with this hopefully only until tomorrow:

Mind you, these were taken with my phone, so they're not very good. ok all except for these top 2 that were taken this morning.

The Ticket

The Key to the After Party

A very fuzzy and bad picture taken of Neil Gaiman as he came closer to the FilmFever guys.

The first set to greet the people walking into the after party. This is the Coraline garden and all hand made and TINY!
The set for the Bridge scene with a Praying Mantis, aka Zorak. You can see Coraline's house in the background. Take a look at the scenary around, kids. This thing was small!

They used the Cherry Blossoms for the bar; these were also part of the Coraline set. In the next pic you can see that they were made of spray painted popcorn!

The set of the Other Father's Study.

Close up. Everything here was hand created. The records in the bins... everything!

The only shot I could get of the set of the Other Mother's living room.

These were all so amazing! There was soo much attention to detail and EVERYTHING was made BY HAND! I was in awe. It was really neat stepping into such a fantastic world.

I got to see Coraline in 3-D and if you can I highly recommend it. I felt that it gave it a wonderful depth that made the world seem more alive and more fantastic. Seriously loved it!

So I was going to post ALLLLLL about the super, lovely, INCREDIBLE time I had last night with pictures and everything...

...

except that there are other things I want to talk about... because other stuff happened too

Oh and I have a sore throat...

However I cannot write about them because I need to talk to people about them first...

I'll figure out if I'm gonna be catty later... and how many bridges I'm burning... in the meantime, I think about them.

... because if you have you're missing out on the new things there.


Mr. B has been doing some very impressive stuff with the mice! I do believe it was the new regimen he had been putting them through becuase he said they were getting lazy.

Today they did this just for me:

Mr. B and his mice are truly amazing!

This isn't what the post is about, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Scott Daly rules... both as a friend AND as a dad!

Love that guy...

In other news:

The theme for the upcoming BackfencePDX is The Moment After.

When I was given this theme, I thought of a million things and I was having a hard time narrowing down what exactly I’d write on. I’m an old pro at “The Moment After.” The moment after anything the world always seems clearer… like somehow there was a bomb that went off and wiped out everything. A lot of times it’s very much like a bomb went off.

Like the moment after I woke up from the “procedure.” Let’s call it what it really was, it was an abortion. I was 17 and it was my first encounter with “the moment after.” I remember feeling high still from the anesthesia. I remember that the last thought that had gone through my mind was a very numb “Oww…” from the needle feeding the IV that was now being used for the anesthetic. I also remember a profound sense of relief upon waking because it was over, because I had made a decision and now came only the consequences. I was not ready for those consequences or how they would alter me and affect that silly girl that had thought, “That would never happen to me.”

That moment after was when I learned that choices might be hard, but sometimes the consequences, the psychological change that can come of it, are much more altering than you would have ever thought possible… and you had better be damn ready to face them.

The moment after I figured out that I was in love with one of my close friends I finally knew where I was going and the floor had gone out from under me. No. More than that, I knew more about myself than I thought I had, all in that one instant. I learned that I was spontaneous, that I was capable of mistakes but they were correctable (kind of hard to correct, but still possible to do) and that I still had a lot to learn. I also discovered that whether or not the relationship worked, I had to leave John because I was definitely not in love with him. What was I going to do about my husband?

That’s what happens the moment after, you realize the mistakes you’ve made and that you’re probably going to make a lot more.

The moment after I told John that the marriage was over, I felt whole, if shaky. I had finally seen that all the fights, all the crying, and the countless times I had to do it all by myself had turned into this statement: “I’m not doing this by myself anymore.” Never had I known so exactly what I had to do, and when the word “divorce” came into my head, it literally shook me; I thought maybe there had been a tremor that came from deep under my feet and not from my heart. The dissolution of a marriage, even if it’s to the wrong person, is still a bond that has to be rent asunder and one’s heart will always bear those marks. We always carry scars, to remind us of where we were and what we have survived.

The moment after helps you see the truth that was always right there in front of you. However, it also shows you the muscle that has formed around the foreign object placed there, and that, that muscle is your heart.

The moment after I learned that the boyo was not, as previously tested, HIV positive, I thought that the world had turned brighter, that the colors were more vivid. More than that, though, I thought, “Is this really happening?” I had wished a child’s wish, hoping that it had all been a dream, that there was some new cure, some … something. Instead I was granted a miracle, for lack of a better term, in the guise of a clinic that was shut down for bad lab results. I not only had confirmation that I had made the right decision, but I had time. Apparently, the two of us together were a force to be reckoned with.

The moment after is when you realize that sometimes others make mistakes too, and like in monopoly, the bank error this time is in your favor.

The moment after anything is not only the crux of the story, it is also the lesson and the heart of it. I still like to think of it as standing in a desert after the bomb blast because, although nothing’s ever the same again, it is done and this is your new reality. Good or bad, whether you survived it, barely survived it or miraculously survived. The moment after is a confession; a sigh of relief and mainly it’s when we get to know who we really are.

My darling Mlle_Aubergine got tickets for the upcoming Backfence PDX on the 18th of February (that's a Wednesday, kids... and the day after I get my hair cut). Have you gotten yours???

Think of it like This American Life, but live... and in Portland for Portland. There are also submitted stories at the BackfencePDX website about the theme and you can see which topic I finally decided to wax poetic on.





Click the pic to see the stories there and to point you to where to get your tickets. I guarantee you'll have an AWESOME time.

So I thought I'd start your day right and give you a few things to check out.

Here's a picture that I took on my way to work yesterday which made me stop and say... "huh..."

This is the Doc Marten store on Broadway and I wonder... what made him/her (whoever (s)he was) kick off shoes in front of a shoe store. I like to think that (s)he had the power to reach in and get the shoes (s)he really wanted instead of these "hoover shoes."

I'd like to thank Mr. London for sharing this with me:

(thank you, Kat, for the photo!)

The exciting news is that tomorrow is the premiere here in Portland, and I can at least walk (stand?) by to see the excitement.

I've a friend who reviews films that gets to interview Neil Gaiman tomorrow so I'm excited about that, too! Not that I get to go or anything, but I can at least talk to him about it later. AND I shall see it on Saturday (I've decided) so there's that, too.

I can't wait! All the stuff they've done in the making of it has just been incredible and inspiring. The way it was crafted, the ads they did, the neat stuff on the website and Mr. B's blog (where you can find a rendition of Sweet Coraline) are really neat ways that really brought not only the fans in, but others that may not have heard of it or know of Neil Gaiman.

So for me, this weekend is totally devoted to Coraline...

Well, and theXplodingboys who play Saturday at Lola's. If you're in Portland you should go go go! I'll be there... right after I see Coraline.

So I was looking through my comics... like you do... and I found an old card. It's apparently a birthday card... for me... that was in amongst them.

The signature is hard to discern and there's no date on it.

At first I thought it was from Mlle_Aubergine, then I thought maybe my old friend Maureen... but it doesn't look like Mlle's hadnwriting and I can't remember Maureen's handwriting nor her signature. Something about it made me think of my old friend Jon.

I'm a little speechless as I think of Jon from time to time and he'll creep into my dreams and always I want to know that he's ok. I loved him dearly, adored his art and writing... he was always there with the right thing to say, even if it was the totally wrong thing to say.

I sent a message to the only address I ever had for him, and as it's a hotmail address, I don't know that he would still own it.

I miss you, Jon. If you're out there... if you read this... email me.

*** Update: after sleeping on it and getting the bottle of wine out of my system, I'm pretty sure it's Maureen's. - 4th of February

Sing it with me!

"you know that waking UP. IS. HARD. to dooo-oo...."

Yeah.

Hi!

So the boyo and I have been trying to go to bed early, you know, 'cause we should get more sleep... however, it's backfiring on us. Yesterday morning I thought it was just because I was worrying too much but this morning I find myself with the same problem. I wake up, use the loo, and then... UP!... and getting little sleep off and on from about 3 am to 6:30am.

I think my body is trying to tell me that going to sleep early is not conducive to my sleep pattern.

In haircut news, the winner is:

SHORT!

So in about 2 weeks' time (my appointment is Tuesday the 17th), I'll be back to this (this pic is from late May of 2008).

In other news, yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend about break-up songs. You know, like, what are your favorite songs to listen to when on the break-up. Not, what's your favorite song to break-up to... 'cause that would just be funny. I mean, what would you say? Queen's "We are the Champions" ???

...

Huh... it would be funny/ kinda dick to have a soundtrack you played (you know, if you're in the car or at your apartment... ) when you broke up with someone. A mix CD or something.

...I digress...

So I was trying to think of stuff that I would listen to and a lot of them were more angry and less sappy really. Although there are some that I would play to help me cry (for those times when you REALLY feel like you need to release and just CAN'T).

Some of my favorites:

- Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco

- Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan & Sara

- Most anything off of Ruby's "Salt Peter"

- Medicine - The Sundays

- Disintegration - The Cure

- Running Up That Hill - Kate Bush (or the Chromatics or Placebo versions)

- Stray - Aztec Camera

- Emotional Weather Blues - Tom Waits

I know there are more... I have an arsenal of them when I need them but right now I can only think of the ones that are standard.

I think I'm just too happy to think of anything else.

Overheard in my office hallway:
"Oh no, I taped it! Yeah, I taped the superbowl and watched it later..."

...

what?
REALLY!?

Can someone PLEASE explain this to me??

ATTENTION!

TheXplodingboys (that's my friend Cedric's band) will be on Musicology tonight (7pm to 9pm).


If you are in the Portland area and would like to hear a great Cure cover band, tune into Musicology on AM 970.

If you're not in the Portland area, you can click the pic below to listen to the show at the time (click the listen now on the main page of the site) or catch the podcast later.


Enjoy!