Thursday, June 19, 2008

Lights in the Attic II

Ok so I’m here in Portland, finally! I feel like I’m so far from everything ‘cause my routine… or rather, the things I have available to me to do are not available. Does that make sense?

I had set it up so that there were things available to me to do… it wasn’t always routine, but I could if I wanted to type of thing, you know? It’s hard when there’s no talk of a job and no talk of an apartment… just trying to situate myself in the for now. Whilst at my parents’ … because I didn’t know the timing of it, I started my own routine… adjusting it when I was on assignment. God knows that the last week’s routine was a bit much *it consisted of a lot of drinking*

However! However… I’m feeling still a bit optimistic. I feel that it’ll all fall into place… and for that reason I’m trying to spend my time writing, so that I can work on that too and get that going.

There’s a little part of me that’s very hopeful about how things will go. There’s a little part that looks at this like a big adventure… the staying with Kat… the time to write. It’s what I have… it’s what I hoped for.

AND THEN… yes, there’s always an “and then” isn’t there?

I’m on the verge of having it all slip away. I’m easily distracted and my heart’s doing that beating too fast thing that happens when I have too much coffee… except I haven’t; the cup I purchased is the first of the day. My mind feels faintly on the verge of falling apart.

Confession: I’m off my meds and have been for the past 6 days. Not on purpose. I went to refill them only to find that the insurance I have through the temp agency does not cover prescriptions and a bottle of my meds will cost me $600… and that’s the generic.
Oddly, I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would be given the situation. Still, I can feel the slight distractions, the fuzziness at the edges, the slight panic that threatens to be unleashed. I get a little scared but mainly I keep telling myself that if I just ignore it, just concentrate on the incredible, that I will be ok and that I will not have a break down from going off my meds cold turkey.

How can I put this? I’m scared to death of losing it completely. I’m scared of falling off that precarious edge that I constantly find myself on. There’s so much that can happen.

What I have to remember, however, is that I’m stronger than that… we’re all stronger than that. How we choose to deal with the situation is the difference. I also know that there are things like the choices that make us wonder WHY it is that we’re right when it seems so very clear that we’re crazy.

Fuck… I keep losing my train of thought… I keep getting vaguely distracted which is keeping me from putting this whole thing into focus.

The overview is: things are good… strangely so. What with everything that could go… better, it’s still really good. Why? Well, first of all, I’m here in Portland, like I said I’d be. Secondly, I’m now at least in the same state as the boyo, even if not the apartment let alone the same city. I’m quite happy/ shocked/ amazed to be here and that things are moving along as they have been.

Also, just because you’re crazy and you do things that most people would consider disastrous, doesn’t mean that you’re wrong… or that crazy is a bad thing.
Think about THAT!


Anonymous said...

"I’m scared to death of losing it completely. I’m scared of falling off that precarious edge that I constantly find myself on."

aren't we all.....

Bee said...

I think you have the right attitude about your life.

Sometimes I think I feel the most insecure when I’m happy. That makes no senses to the rational side of me but I can’t stop feeling that way.

Its best not to think life is perfect because this better prepares you for when something goes wrong. I don’t want to sound pessimistic at all so please don’t take it that way. I just view living as something we have to work hard at to be content where we are.