Reconciling Saints

You know... there are times when I go negative and cyclical and I'm fighting... for myself, for what I stand for and for what I think is right.

Today is one of those days.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the one who isn't understood, the one that has to be the adult and the one who has to do the understanding. I feel like I'm the one who has to bend over backwards to make sure everyone ELSE is ok.

Here's the problem: I shouldn't be looking at this in a "Why can't I be the one that people HAVE to understand!" *stamps foot* That's what my therapy is for; I'm supposed to gain the tools to live as an adult in my day to day life.

You know what, though??? Sometimes that's really fucking hard!

Today was one of those days.

Today a lot of things were pushed, shall we say, to a head.

I wanted to burn things down. I wanted to watch it all go up in flames. I didn't care about histories, I didn't care if I really loved these people to the core of my being.

I

was

tired!

"I tried; I gave up," to quote Mr. Reznor.

I'm tired of what seems to be chasing after people that, for good or bad, truth or half-truths, left me/ don't want me. I know that I should just take things as I should and I know that not all situations are as dire as they seem... still, still... I'm tired and I would like a moment to be weak... or at least a light at the end of the tunnel because right now... it's VERY dark!

I'm tried of chasing friends to talk to me. I'm tired of trying to give explanations as to what, why and when things happened. I'm tired of people not trusting me, not giving me a chance and I'm tired that my own issues are not taken into account.

Childish, no?

This is not life. Thinking that everyone should understand is not what it's about. There are things that are worse than this. There are bigger problems. My feeling understood, what friends do or do not understand me, is all ridiculous. I get it. I do... and it makes me feel so lucky sometimes that the mental issues are all I have to deal with.

Please, please understand that this does not make it any less real nor easier to handle. Merely, it's what keeps me aligned.

I can't tell you how scared I am that one day I won't know the difference and there will be nothing but monsters everywhere and reality will cease to be distinguishable.

I acknowledge that my... disease? condition?? handicap??? is real, and that doesn't mean I don't have to fight it and that I can't be sure that one day it won't take over.

"let me be weak
let me sleep
and dream of sheep."

I wish I didn't have this reaction. I wish people didn't trigger a kill or be killed reaction.

I wanted to burn it all down. I wanted to destroy whole relationships, sever ties to places and people, leaving everything impossible to restore. I wanted nothing to do with who I am and what I usually do. I wanted to be like what I felt everyone else was like. I wanted no understanding of anyone else's feelings but my own, no one to be responsible for but myself.

I.

AM.

TIRED!!!

...
but I can't. I can't stop being me, can't stop understanding and trying and reaching out. Because of this I will always be open to hurt and I will put myself in odd and awkward situations, good or bad, and for my friends, whether perceived or not.

God I hate it when that happens. REALLY! That usually means that, for me, there's an effect, whether people see it or not. Just because you can't see it or don't believe that it's there, does not mean it's not hard for me nor that it doesn't affect me strongly.

*sigh* How DO I talk about this without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself??

I'm just tired... and crazy... and things get all screwed up.

I don't want to prove myself to people. I don't want to WANT to fit into your world and have to figure out HOW to do so. Especially... especially... not after all the bullshit I have to deal with when it comes old friends believing my motives and whether or not I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me with this shit??? Me?? Not SORRY???

You know... if I can't understand that someone else has issues too, that I may have to jump certain hoops to get to know you and that I feel like someone is making this all about them... well I guess I'm not playing well with others. Really... really... over all I'm not always so fucking worried about that.

...

the stupid thing is... I will, in the long run and after fighting against the tantrums (had or not), actually do the thing that is harder for me to do; the adult thing to do.

...

That doesn't mean that I won't have a tantrum because...

well.... I'm just tired.

I have a journal at the side of my bed that I call The Nightmare Book. I'm also trying to get my other website to mirror it a bit, but with more copy and idea editing, but not for content. The journal is everything I feel, think, see thrown up on paper so I'd like to make it a little more cohesive.

The purpose for it is for me to write out all the stuff I think about that's negative, all the things I'm dealing with when it comes to battling the manic, the depression and the cognitive distortion. This way, it has a release and the concept is that I'll put it in the book and hopefully not let it out into the world. It's also supposed to be a tool for me to go back to situations to see where things went wrong, happened and/ or what triggered it.

I'm still having a hard time actually doing this... and never have I needed it more than this week. It's usually something I do in my spare time, like on the bus or on my break or something. This week I find that I need it near me at all times due to the "assignment" that my therapist has given me. I'm not supposed to physically or verbally react to situations but instead let the reaction happen in me, notice the feeling's wash through me, and try to figure out what made me mad/ if it's valid/ what the trigger is/ how to get past it.

It's only sort of working. 

It's really hard for me to do this as the emotions are so intense and it all feels so real, perceived or otherwise. 

I'm trying. I'm fucking up. I'm learning. I'm dusting myself off and trying again. 

In doing so I'm losing people, but I'm gaining understanding of myself and what I need. I'm also learning how to function a little more normally... Well, at least learning not to see monsters everywhere.

I weighed myself and... I'm 10 lbs. from my goal weight! Mind you it's not some number I thought would be a good one to aim for. It's actually the number from 2 years ago when I felt right in my own skin and great! My doctor said that for me, 150-155 was perfect. I don't care if I'll never be 120... or even 140! As long as I feel great... and think I look great.

I haven't even been to the gym before Monday for over a month due to the ear infection and traveling! Krikey! That's not to say I'm not gonna go. I'm back to 6 days a week to help the bipolar *grumbles* I must admit, it does make me feel better.

*does a happy dance*

SO!

Things are interesting, kids. Quite.

Today is Therapy Tuesday and, although it was good and I got some stuff out of it, I'm still out of sorts. I don't feel like I got much out of it in the "calm down" department. Basically I just feel like working out my frustration and anger.

So there's a part of me that I'm PRETTY sure I've talked about on here before but I couldn't find the post to link to. It may be that I just missed it due to trying to scroll through so fast.

I call this part of me "The Creature."

Why?

It's hard to explain. She's The Creature because she used to come out in manic times and she's also stuff that I try to repress or hide. The odd part? The stuff I repress is not necessarily the bad stuff.

I want to meld her back into me and I want to get rid of the parts that hold me back and try to repress the things I am, the things that repress The Creature.

The truth is that I think I'm brilliant. People say you're supposed to think that to a degree but you never really say it and you generally have a big whopping hunk of guilt or something to keep you grounded. Well, I'm trying to shed that 'cause, really, that's just bullshit.

I think I'm... oddly beautiful. I don't think that everyone gets it and it's not for everyone to get. I don't want some douche, I want someone who can see this girl for who she is, see The Creature. I don't wear makeup often, my sense of style is my own and I'm no Dita Von Teese but I like my figure, my skin and my face. Really as long as I feel right in my skin, I think I'm doing pretty well. The Creature knows this and I think it shows.

I'm hypersexual and I need to acknowledge it. I've been told this is mostly (half??) due to the bipolar. Well, whatever the reason, it's there. I need to accept it and stop trying to repress it. Sex is perfectly healthy... and fun! I don't see why I should feel bad for wanting what I want. This is definitely a Creature thing. She does it, she accepts it, she takes what she can when she wants it. She's learned to calm it down, so she's not that much of a predator these days which is good.

Lastly, of the important things anyway, The Creature... I... know who I am, what I have and that I can do what ever I set my mind to if I just do. I'm one of the best people you'll ever meet. I will say one of because I've met other people I think I'm lucky to know. My friends are lucky to have me... and I know that I'm lucky to have them. The ones that know me, the ones that get me... they're the ones I gain my strength from.

This is me... I'm acknowledging that. I don't make the smartest decisions at times and not everyone agrees with me and my ways, but it's me. So I'm going to stop apologizing for it and start being proud of this kick ass woman that I am.

... and yes, I finally called myself a woman.

World without end.

Amen

This past week I've been inundated with dreams of a sexual nature. People I know, people I don't know, yet always quite graphic. They leave me panting in the morning and quite... bothered... in the frustration kind of way.

Last night I realized ('cause I've been thinking a lot about it) that I'm still having the god damn Catholic hangups! No matter how many people that I'd LIKE to be closer to, I can't get myself to really a) do anything about it and b) think about it. It's like sometimes my mind shuts out any sexual thoughts/ longings/ desires and I feel not much of anything... but yet still do. It's a struggle, it's a battle.

I keep telling myself that I just have to own it, just be me. Something in me and something around me makes me feel that it's just not right, that everything I feel/ want/ think is bad or perverse.

I'm working on it.

I am a very sexual person by nature and I have been as long as I can remember. I like the sensual side, I like things that make my toes curl, that make me shudder. I like the feel of the silky clean sheets on my skin. I like the feel of skin on skin; a soft, silky feeling that I can lose myself in. I love fierce kisses, a bite on the lip, an almost starved need. I love tracing fingers down a back. I love the hard and I love melting into another; all depending on what the feeling is. The sneaking kisses in the dark of a live show, the intoxication that may or may not come from the martinis, the electricity that crackles as you sit with someone.

I know these things. I love these things. I have to work on practicing them and I like this assignment.

:)

"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head

If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover

When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency

Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end

cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
cause them people never play the game"

IAMX

"None of you seem to understand...  I'm not locked in here with you... you are locked in here with me... "

I'm stuck in a "meh." What it is, I can't exactly say although I think it may be due to a) my period and b) the aftermath of the crazy.

I am crazy. Sometimes I forget that and I think I'm a functioning person and then, just when I least expect it... BAM! the crazy comes along.

Never forget that my thinking is flawed. Never forget that this brain does not differentiate good vs. bad very well. Never forget that I'm liable to breakdown at any second. Never forget that sometimes I see Monsters everywhere when it's only me.

I hate this.

Mainly because it affects my loved ones but also because I feel like it's an excuse for the dumb shit I do. I don't like making excuses; I always feel like I need to take responsibility for what I did wrong, admit it and learn from it. However, I'm learning that sometimes there's no rhyme or reason as to what I do, sometimes I don't even know it's wrong until too late. Granted, there have been things I've been very cognitive about and I will own up to those as I SHOULD have listened to the nagging voice telling me it wasn't really a good idea. The voice was generally overpowered by thinking that that was the answer, that was the only way. Yet there are times when there really is no rhyme or reason to decisions I've made.

I make my bed and I lie in it, whether it was something controllable or not. 

I realize that my friends have a choice to take it or not, to put up with it or not, to be friends with me or not due to the crazy. Well, that is to say that I know that now since the diagnosis. Before I thought it was their fault or my fault or both. Losing a friend was really hard for me because of this. Now... now I see it as fair if this happens because no one but the boyo has to put up with me. Truth be told, even he doesn't have to..

Lately a lot has come to pass. Yesterday in therapy work was done to help me in those times when my brain sees nothing at ALL wrong with my actions or words. At that time they're right; there's no voice nagging or anything. It just is. It's like I'm missing a moral button, sensitivity button or even a NORMAL way to see things button.

Monday I forgot to take my meds but didn't realize it until I was walking home from the bus stop. I took them as soon as I got in the house, thoroughly confused as to how I could have forgotten this and not realized until I had that electric shock buzz-y feeling like a come down from ecstasy. I stared at the bottles trying to figure out if I had, despite the feeling, taken them. As I looked at the last Lamictal, I wondered, was there supposed to be one there or was it that there should have been one left after Monday (I had calculated that as I called my prescription in on Saturday) ? Everything had fallen apart that day. My reactions to people, situations and work. I had a hard time watching Monday night's movie after I took the meds because I felt too much along with the character. 

When I got home Da5id cuddled with me as I cried in bed and said it would be ok. I told him I hated it... I hated what happened when I make one little slip up or when the bipolar merely rears its head. He reminded me that I was still suffering from the effects of seeing my mother. She always manages to damage me with the negativity, the cognitive distortion, the bitterness and the bad home life. He says if she does this to me again he's telling my dad that I'm not allowed to see her anymore and why. 

A lot of times I forget the bad about the bipolar and I fight for what I like about it. When the bad hits (and it always does) it scares the hell out of me and makes me wonder how I survive and how anyone can live with me or be friends with me. 

I am the monster. Never forget that. 

So MUSE will be playing my little section of the world on April 3rd and I will be attending thanks to Cedric!

Today they released the video for Resistance, which was filmed at their show in Madrid. I hope that's the stage set for the US tour as well! It's one of the reasons I don't mind having seats a tad far from the stage; I can take in the whole thing!

So I present you the new MUSE video. YAY! 

This is my wedding ring.

I love it.

Every time I look at it I smile. It's thin and seemingly barely there; it's like it melded into my skin. The design is intricate and the band is delicate. It's quite strong, though. 18k white gold that has withstood the kind of beating that any ring of mine would get (which is a lot, trust me!).

I think it's an excellent representation of my relationship with the boyo. I think it's why I knew that that was the ring I wanted for my wedding band as soon as I saw it. 

I can't remember life before him and I don't want to imagine a life without him.

Happy anniversary, boyo!

I love you truly deeply madly.

"Life is so much dark and light
Day cannot exist without a night
And you will not separate from me
I have a heart that's full of life

I know where the form is changing
I know that the stars will follow me..."

~Bar for Lashes~
Two Planets

These are strange times. So much went ass over teakettle. We're just hunkering down for the weekend to lick wounds and get ready for Monday's picking ourselves up.

I must say I am thankful for my life and the friends I have. They've been nothing but supportive and currently we at Casa Stella have each other. As Cedric said last night, there's a lot of love in this house. I feel extremely lucky for that.

For those that don't know - Cedric was laid off, M didn't pass her test for her massage therapy license by only 3%, Da5id was demoted with pay cut and I have an ear infection, bronchitis and asthma due to it.

Yesterday's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day made me think about the positives in our lives. I'm happy about the life I have, no matter how odd and questionable by other people. I honestly would never want to be anyone else. I think I have a pretty awesome life with awesome friends who, for the most part, get and support me. The others... well I'm not sure what they like but apparently there is something.

Yes, I'm strange according to some (seriously there are decisions I've made that boggle the mind) and I love my strange life.

I drink too much, I sometimes smoke too much and I have loose morals. THANK GOD!


I don't marry like other girls!
I am a child!
I'm utterly and completely happy how I am.
... and I was born to make life and the world a better and miraculous place for all those I touch.

Here's a revision of last year's non-resolutions. No one ever keeps resolutions and I find they're sort of bullshit when I make them somewhat material. I find it easier to just re-acknowledge what I'm working on.

Here are 2010's non-resolutions:

- Health: Still doing the gym but now it's to help with sanity. Walking/ spin class/ running once a day keeps everyone liking me ;)

- Writing: This is a constant. I'm going to keep writing, making time for writing, and submitting until something happens, even if it's death that happens. Get me?

- Travel: 2009 was great! Here's to 2010!

- Friends: Well this one is just working on my relationships, but, like writing, this is a constant. I'm very very lucky to have all the good friends that I do.

- Wardrobe: Same as last year: I'm gonna keep on the look out for more Ceci-type articles of clothing and make smarter decisions about what I'm buying and that I LOVE them. I do. I love feeling great in my clothes, especially if I feel great in my own skin.

- The boyo: My partner in crime is BACK! I love him... and I love how much we keep learning and growing. Love this boy!