Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ok so I'm not 100%...

This is the Ceci we all know and love (pictures thanks to JuggleJane):

*This is Ceci trying not to waste any sake whilst at sushi on our last night in London

I'm not posting much as I'm trying not to whine.

How shall I put this??

I'm trying to post when on an up swing, not so much so that everyone thinks I'm fine, but ... well it's hard to discuss. First of all, when I'm down it's almost like I'm blocked; I don't know what to say about it or how to convey the feelings properly. I figured, rather than just whine about it and grope around trying to figure out how to say what I'm trying to say, I just won't. Seems easier... and less whiny.

I know there are people that have bigger problems than mine, and I really just feel weak when I see my rants because they sound so foolish, sound so much less intense than I feel them.

Then again, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm feeling them a lot more strongly than they are, get me?

For anyone who's curious, you can find info on bipolar disorder here. When you look at the symptoms and wonder which ones I have/ have had/ make me question who I am, just know that I can give you a few very good examples of all of them.

So for now, just know that I'm being sent to a psychiatrist for further evaluation and to most likely try on some new meds. If you want to know what's going on on a day-to-day basis... well, you can always call or email me.

I'll post on here whenever I have something to share. However, here's a warning: it might not be a lot... and it might not be very often. Things change on a daily basis here at Chez Ceci; I have a hard time keeping up with myself!

*shrugs*

I'm reconciling saints and finding that, more often than not, there were bad things done in the guise of what was thought to be good.

6 comments:

camikaos said...

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself

Ceci said...

@camikaos - Thanks :D Unfortunately that meant no meet up for me. I've taken myself out of a few things as I try to regroup. I'm hoping to slowly reintegrate myself now that things are underway, but it's still slow going.

thedr9wningman said...

Wow. It is interesting to have this sort of revelation about one's self I'm sure... probably a blow to the identity, eh?

Nevertheless, the statistician in me notes that most writers I've ever heard of all tend to be depressives. Let your identity wear that suit.

I think your case is milder than most people I know. I've never thought: "wow, Ceci's fucking nutso bipolar". Of course, I don't live with you... I've known you to be overwhelmed, but that's normal.

Anyway, you've joined the rest of the Prozac nation. Feel unique in your sameness. Don't worry, I won't treat you differently; still tough love, hard knocks, and lots of hugs from me.

Ceci said...

@thedr9wningman - it's a total blow to the identity! Although I'm trying to be very Zen about it, as in, if the disorder is what makes my identity then that is me... or something like that.

I haven't had SERIOUS depression in a LONG time, so it's not the depression part of the bipolar, but the manic part that's got me all jumpy. A lot of these sort of fit into place now, but it's causing a huge disruption in the "Well then what did I choose to do?" part of myself. Does that make sense?

It's not bad right now. I went in because I felt a slow and steady onset of something. I felt displaced and not quite right so I went to therapy. It was only in discussing my history with depression and therapy that she brought up the possibility of bipolar disorder. This was not the first time, but we had never delved into it with my last therapist as we were concentrating on the matter at hand.

It's not that I'm acting differently now, so much as it's making me re-evaluate all my choices and everything I'd ever done. Sooo... in that sense, there's a lot to work on and a lot of answers I'm looking for.

Chloe said...

Who is 100%? You're doing what you need to do to get better, and that is what's important.

Your post reminds me of Ray Charles. Let me explain: Many Ray Charles hits are very happy songs, about finding love and other wonderful things. But Ray Charles had a very hard life. And somehow even the happiest of his songs are tinged with melancholy, in the timbre of his voice, the key he sings in, or some lyrics that are inexplicably dark. That depth of experience comes through. So if you don't feel up to writing when you are down, or you don't care for what you write when you are down, those feelings will still color the writing you do when you are feeling up.

Ceci said...

@Chloé - thank you CHloé :D Your words always make me smile.