Reconciling Saints

I think it's funny that after my last post, this showed up on my one little google ad on this page:

MommyCast, the Mom Show
Take a Break for Bright Talk and Inspiration. Stop in for Fun!

Really?!?!

... also... my brain is shot and I can barely pay attention here at work. Seriously having a hard time working. Ugh!

AND...I've been really lazy and haven't put those wonderful blogs I HAVE to check into on the blogs I'm following list. Sorry! I'll do that, I promise...

These days it seems I can't spit without hitting a friend who is pregnant or trying to become pregnant. This isn't a bad thing, really, and I have come to realize that my group of friends is just... in that time of life when they're thinking of starting a family.

So what's the big deal, then?

There's a couple things at work here. First... I find that from those choosing to have kids as well as those choosing not to, it's a sort of an us vs. them thing when it comes to the internet. These are some heavy issues, it seems, and people do what they always do and that is, piss everyone else off. Although, I will say that a lot of the ugly does come mostly from the "childfree" side.
*scratches head*
Ugh... this is all so complicated...

I felt I had to delve into this, though, because of a few things happening with me, including the deluge of friends having kids. I find it odd (or maybe just coincidental??) that the friends I left in California are the ones having the kids. It's just that time. I made my decision prior to the second marriage 'cause I knew that if I didn't figure out where I stood on the issue (the boyo has always been, still is and always will be of the "kids are not for me" set), then there might be the possibility of a second divorce. So we talked to a couples counselor about this (if anyone needs a name of a good one, I've got one for you!) and I decided to look at what it was that I wanted.

I was at the time a very "Definitely no kids now...but maybe later" kind of person. So I thought, ok... when is later? This was part of the problem. There were (and are) a whole bunch of things I want to do prior to kids. Not so much 'cause you can't do them, more because I know that my priorities would change and that would effect the outcome, and I'd always wonder. Then there was the why did I possibly want a kid. Well, honestly, it's because with even as fucked up as life could be, I wouldn't trade anything for the world! I love living. I can't think of anything better than this, whether in the depths of despair, or feeling like I have the best life ever! I'd like to pass that on... I'd like to show someone else what that's like. Then I again thought about when that would be a right time for me. I did the calculations with my age thinking that by the time the boyo finishes school I'd be about 35 and that we wanted to travel/ live in other countries and have some time for ourselves. So then maybe that leaves me at 40. It's not impossible, but do I really want to look after a kid at 40? Then there are the mental health issues. It's not proven with my family but after a lot of talk with my last therapist, signs point to yes in the "family has issues" catagory. Then there's me. I've been in and out of therapists since I was 15 or 16, and the cycles are easy to follow and very apparent knowing what I know now. Honestly, it's tough enough taking care of myself and I've finally gotten it under control. I don't even want to think about the stresses of having a child and possible post-partum.

So...I decided no. I would rather stay with the boyo than hold out for a possibly... I love that boy so much, I can't see it as anything other than waiting around to see if I work as well with someone else that I might want to have kids with. If I didn't have them after all, you can bet your bottom that I'd be miserable about letting the boyo go! I felt very strongly on my decision and I finally felt at peace with the argument.

Ok...right...so back to the friends. My nearest and dearest are all having kids. The new ones I'm making up here in PDX are all childfree. Weird! That's not to say I have no pre-PDX childfree friends. I've got a few in SoCal, and a couple in Lexington. Here, the boyo and I have landed SMACK-DAB in the middle of a field of childfree kids, just like us. So it's sorter weird in that it sometimes feels like that distance that's there between my SoCal friends and me is getting larger because now here's something being thrown into the mix that I can't follow them on and will not understand, just as they won't understand what my life is like without kids.

Getting into this world of blogging, and visiting the blogs I love, I found that there's only one blog I can think of off hand that's NOT a mommy blog, and there might be a few more that I just can't think of/ don't know... and EVERYONE else is a mommy. Does this upset me? Not REALLY. I just, found it strange that I can't find many blogs that are not mommy or daddy blogs or even blogs FOR mommy and daddy bloggers. The childfree ones I've found aren't the same. I'm not sure how to use my words on this one... but I just don't get the same vibe as I do from the parenting ones.

... I wonder why that is?? Maybe it's because as non-parents, we don't really need any resources. Well, that's not true. However, I'm sure it would be HEAVILY frowned upon if I started a blog on places that are childfree. Not so much because I hate kids ('cause I don't, and you can ask my best friend Ava who's 5!) but because, well maybe you don't always want the kids poking around... or maybe you don't want to attend a movie with some little kid running around. I don't blame the kid, I blame the parents! If I acted like that when I was a kid, you can bet there'd be hell to pay or we'd be leaving. Hell, maybe parents would like to know where they can get some time without kids, so maybe they'd like that resource too! Maybe they'd like a place where they can get some R'n'R!
...
Huh.... anyone want to start a new website with me???

No, no, no, no, no! I'm sure this would backfire... maybe... could backfire... maybe...

huh....

ANYWAY...the point is that most things get bastardized. My aforementioned (possible) theoretical website would not only get attacked, but also get filled with kidhaters saying kid hating things... maybe... possibly...

...

MY POINT! ... if I can just stop thinking about the aforementioned website... is that, as a "childfree" person, I'd like to say I get it already! I know you love your kids and I love reading the stories about it and some make me laugh and some make me cry, but even if it's all working out so well for you, it doesn't mean that I'll feel just as gratified at the end of the day. I could very well be that mom who everyone wonders as to how she could have killed her children. I don't think I'm capable of it (I can barely kill a spider! and I refuse to throw away my stuffed animals for fear that they would be sad), but strange things happen. I'm very happy being sans child. I hope to be someone's Auntie Mame one day (more like in the end when she takes care of Patrick's little one and less like her taking care of Patrick 'cause then that means someone I loved dearly passed on). I'm very happy to have my kid time with friends' little ones and then return him or her to them at the end of the day.

Mommies, please stop trying to convince us that we'd lead much happier lives with kids!... And you, childfree peeps, stop "neener-neener"ing the parents!

I'm going to shut up now before I start in on the Snowflake problem and the Helicopter parents, 'cause I know that you kids with kids really hate it when one of us non-kid havers starts saying anything about parenting...

Peace!

I have had a hard time figuring out where it is that my writing fits exactly... so after some talking with Liz, and a long time idea of mine, I figured I'd give Waiting For Amanda a shot.

Waiting for Amanda started as a concept back when in Long Beach, thinking of the LIFETIME of things that could happen to me whilst waiting for Amander to arrive. Notoriously late, and always forgiven for her advice, candor, her.... self... Amanda was someone that I wanted to hear from and represents, in these stories, a multitude of WONDERFUL friends that I have.

So... I present (a Missing Link, Ink. endeavor):


(and feel free to check out my About page... not that there's anything REALLY new there)

Yes, sometimes that's How I Do

So I found this over at Ashley's Closet and it just made me giggle.

Well I think that the skit went on a bit long, but I can't help but keep picturing Tina Fey posing. She makes me giggle



I heart her.

So due to technical difficulties, I posted something today that I've been trying to post since last Thursday. Just an FYI that you might want to hop back a few posts.

TONIGHT!
SKINS!
MY PLACE!
(with wine!)


Want to come over???

So I figured I'd go along with the BBC America schedule and start watching Skins at the same time. We FINALLY have our bar up and we've set up the projector, so we figure now it begins!

For those who ARE watching it on BBC America, I know you're on episodes 5/6 tonight(9pm and 10pm respectively and I think an encore at midnight). If you haven't yet, but want to catch up, check out Skins on the BBC America page of iTunes to get earlier episodes.

Here's a sneak peak at tonight's episode:



Go and watch!
OR!
come over and watch!

*the author would like to note that she has been trying to post this since last week but was having issues with the images... and therefore it's only up NOW! Better late than never, right?
_c_ (9-16-08)

So these are pics from my first marriage. We were apparently married by Yoda.

I still giggle when I see them. We were cute... and it really felt like the right thing to do. Alas, this did not turn out the way I intended it to (I know, Stephen, I know! But I can at least admit when I'm wrong! We do play for keeps, but I was wrong)

After that I swore I would never get married again... mainly 'cause I didn't want to be wrong again. It (the divorce, the separation) was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I figured if it could bond you so tightly to the wrong person, it was too much of a chance to take again.

So when I married the boyo back in January, I was happy, surprised ...and shocked that I had been wrong again in thinking that never again would I tie myself so closely to someone.



I like to think of it as choosing to try with someone again, someone that for now... and that I think that for a while... I'll want to be with.

I'm happy to see when my friends help prove me wrong... well, with my initial thought about how I'm never doing that again. It's also nice to know that I can tell people that one doesn't always get it right the first time. Scary, right? Still, it's one of those things that... it's ok if you get it wrong. Isn't that life, anyway? A series of things that help us learn and grow and... evolve??

Partnership with someone is hard, whether it's simply boyfriend or girlfriend status, married, living together, or domestic partnership. We choose everyday who we are, what we want to become and how we choose to express that. There's no permanace in life, just as there's no permance in relationships, truly. Sure, sometimes you find someone that you would like to be able to see the rest of forever with, but it doesn't always stay that way.

Cedric and M, thank you for reminding me of the gifts we have in our lives, and that we all have the ability to choose that which makes us happy, that which makes us whole... no matter what and no matter how much we change.

ok so before I update on the wedding we went to this weekend, I thought I'd give an update on an old post.

For those of you who think I forgot about my monkey, you're WRONG!

Da5id found him last week at a Goodwill out in Beaverton (suburbia)! I was soooo happy! He was not allowed to go camping because I was scared that that would be pushing my luck.

So! My boy loves me. He put out a missing monkey report at the Goodwill WAY out in Hillsboro and then followed through on it. I'd also like to thank Liz (aka KAL) for reminding me about the prayer to St. Anthony. It worked!

Mitch is back at home and I couldn't be happier!

This is why I love Skins.

And this why I love Effy

(psst! clicky the pic-y)

I'm drowning... in music and writing and ... a wee bit of wine. :)

Effy is that person that I can relate to the most from High School days. She's totally fucked up and she totally knows what she's doing. She's all knowing and has a lot to learn.

I... adore her.

There's a lot of times when I wonder if we ever really get past the who that we are in the High School years, such formative years. I can still see a lot of what played for real life then still happening now. That's right kids, if you think it gets any better in your 20s or 30s, guess again!
Just remember, they're all as scared as you are and know just as much!
Seriously, I think that's what leads me to Effy. She can see past a lot of this and just does her own thing and gets lost in her own way because she can see that most of it... is bullshit. What they don't want you to know? That everyone is having the same tough time making it out there and figuring it out.

No one knows what they're doing! It's true. Just... DO! Go read my Committed post. Memorize it!
...

If you've not caught Skins on BBC America yet, they're only on episode 4 as of this week and it's on on Sunday and Monday nights. What are you doing?! Get going and watch it!!

Just ask amander... she was hooked like I was back in March in London. *sigh* Good times, good times!

Seriously, can't express my love of this show enough.

SO!

Aside from my viewing addictions, I'm sitting here writing and talking to friends that are oh so far away now, and yet oh so close (faraway...So close!) and reveling in this new space that I have to dream in. Some might say that the electricity that I have running through me is catching, I'm THAT elated!

Today I was discussing the movies that inspire/ catch our attention with Liz. Something about what we were listing and about what it was that made us go to movie really made me say HEY! wait a minute! This says a lot about us!
So... what makes you go to movie? What do you like in your movie? If romance happens in any way in your movie choice, what do you like about it??

So let's go with me. I'll pick 2 favorites.
A Room with a View and Wings of Desire
In the first one, you get a man that does not think like everyone else does who follows what his heart says and a girl who's from a family that follows their OWN beat while still somehow keeping up with what regular society does. Lucy has to fight the urge to do what society wants to follow her heart, what she's been mostly brought up to do.
In the second, an angel gives up his wings for a woman and to feel ... no wait...
it's best said in the movie:

"I want to conquer a history for myself
I want to turn what I have learned
from my timeless downward-watching
into sustaining a hasty glance
a short shout, an acrid smell.
I've been outside long enough,
absent long enough,
out of the world long enough.
I'll enter the history of the world,
if only to hold an apple in my hand."

He leaves immortality, eternity, to learn hurt, near failure, and love.
This Scene is my favorite, the final scene...


and it ends with my favorite line of:
"Ich weiß jetzt, was kein Engel weiß..."
I now know what no Angel knows...

You see mine has a lot to do with things one fights against just to be one's self... and it has to do with Angels... and things that ... aren't quite here...
I've had 2 miracles happen.
I come from the land of truth is stranger than fiction... I could tell you some stories...
Heh...

That's my world. I love it

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

by William H. Murray (from his book "The Scottish Himalayan Expedition")

I'd like to give a shout out to my girls, the ones that answer me when I've got the Mean Reds... be it by responding directly or by emailing me their responses.

Amander, Liz, Kat and Leigh... you would have been the ones I had wine with to go with my whine... or martinis... or both!

I loved your comments and they all made me feel better... and loved.

Ok I'm not sure if it's the Mitch thing that's bringing me down or what, but I have found myself SMACK DAB in the middle of the Mean Reds.
...
wait... the Mean Reds might be due to oh... I dunno... PMS, maybe... as that's not hit yet and could any day now.

I warn you! Stay back! Do not play in, on or around!

So I'm going to try to work my way out of it the way I always do... by writing.


Currently I've all SORTS of topics I'd like to discuss:
- childlessness
- Home
- latitude and weather (or, whether latitude has an effect on it...heh
- my Skins addiction and the newly obtained Season 2 (I love my London connection!)
- taking up a musical instrument- mainly, a cello

However, I feel far too moody to discuss any one of those at length in case my mood colors the post too much in one direction or another.

Instead, I think I'll go High School on you.

Even with the bad mood, I some how inherently know that things are going well. It's almost like a constant tick in my mind that keeps saying, "...and you're alive! ...and you're alive!"

I'll count this as a good thing.

However, we all have the need to release, good and bad. Crying, yelling, shouting, singing... we all need to just let it go, as though too much of one and we might explode. I like to have my crying fits in the shower (best if done in the shower 'cause it really helps with the puffy eyes... and there's something to be said to sitting under the shower, naked or otherwise). I like to have a space where I could yell if I had to. I remember once, I went into the back room at my old work and just let out a good scream, startling a friend of mine who was back there. Needed to be done. When I'm happy, I generally need to sing... or make any sort of strange-but-contented noise.

Currently, I'd like to do all these things at once. Also, I'd very much like to TALK about it. Have some much needed wine and a night out with a girl friend. However, there are 2 problems with this scenario. The first being that we're on a budget, so no just picking up and going out for some time to talk an ear off. The second problem is that, knowing that my mood is leaning way over towards the darker side, I'm afraid that the mood would overall darken the whole thing and I'd end up upset or upsetting.

Why???

Because I want to know WHY, damnit! I want to know the answers to all sorts of questions, good and bad, the ugly and the curious.

I want to unabashedly ask

Is there a down to my up!? When does the other shoe drop!? Will I follow through with what I want finally and why do I keep dropping the ball?! KIDS! Why is it one extreme or another?! Why are people avidly for or against and why would one end one's marriage for one?! Am I wrong?!?! Does the difference in weather have to do with the difference of where I'm located, therefore allowing for the feeling of fall in LA to be here in PDX so soon!? Why does the chill make my soul flutter?! Does my monkey missing have to do with a ghost in the house who's being mean to me and hiding him and is it the same one that turned the light on the first night we were there??!! Who believes in ghosts anyway!? and why would the bother me?! If my voice is too... classically trained, how can I sing pop songs!? Will I be able to learn to play the cello?!!? Will I be able to afford to get one AND get lessons!?

*huffs, steams and glares*

... and these questions are not meant as accusations, or thrown out in a mean way, but instead are point-blank "I-wanna-know" questions like a kid would ask. They're just questions that I ask with a deep desire to know the answers to. They're... honest and not meant as judgement or accusation... just... an attempt to understand.

Missing:

one Monkey.
Goes by the name of Mitch.
Last seen on Sunday morning 8/31/08 flopping around in the bed mixed in with the duvet.
May have been accidentally donated to Goodwill.

I know it's just a stuffed animal, but it's one of the first monkey's that the boyo got me. He flew him out from Las Vegas and he got wings and everything! My sister and I used to get the Mitch report each morning 'cause he's an overdramatic monkey that likes to let you know how he's feeling. Somedays, Mitch was right and it just wasn't worth getting out of bed.

Mitch, I miss you. Please come home.

Seriously, kids, it's put a damper on my whole day!