Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Mean Reds

Ok I'm not sure if it's the Mitch thing that's bringing me down or what, but I have found myself SMACK DAB in the middle of the Mean Reds.
wait... the Mean Reds might be due to oh... I dunno... PMS, maybe... as that's not hit yet and could any day now.

I warn you! Stay back! Do not play in, on or around!

So I'm going to try to work my way out of it the way I always do... by writing.

Currently I've all SORTS of topics I'd like to discuss:
- childlessness
- Home
- latitude and weather (or, whether latitude has an effect on it...heh
- my Skins addiction and the newly obtained Season 2 (I love my London connection!)
- taking up a musical instrument- mainly, a cello

However, I feel far too moody to discuss any one of those at length in case my mood colors the post too much in one direction or another.

Instead, I think I'll go High School on you.

Even with the bad mood, I some how inherently know that things are going well. It's almost like a constant tick in my mind that keeps saying, "...and you're alive! ...and you're alive!"

I'll count this as a good thing.

However, we all have the need to release, good and bad. Crying, yelling, shouting, singing... we all need to just let it go, as though too much of one and we might explode. I like to have my crying fits in the shower (best if done in the shower 'cause it really helps with the puffy eyes... and there's something to be said to sitting under the shower, naked or otherwise). I like to have a space where I could yell if I had to. I remember once, I went into the back room at my old work and just let out a good scream, startling a friend of mine who was back there. Needed to be done. When I'm happy, I generally need to sing... or make any sort of strange-but-contented noise.

Currently, I'd like to do all these things at once. Also, I'd very much like to TALK about it. Have some much needed wine and a night out with a girl friend. However, there are 2 problems with this scenario. The first being that we're on a budget, so no just picking up and going out for some time to talk an ear off. The second problem is that, knowing that my mood is leaning way over towards the darker side, I'm afraid that the mood would overall darken the whole thing and I'd end up upset or upsetting.


Because I want to know WHY, damnit! I want to know the answers to all sorts of questions, good and bad, the ugly and the curious.

I want to unabashedly ask

Is there a down to my up!? When does the other shoe drop!? Will I follow through with what I want finally and why do I keep dropping the ball?! KIDS! Why is it one extreme or another?! Why are people avidly for or against and why would one end one's marriage for one?! Am I wrong?!?! Does the difference in weather have to do with the difference of where I'm located, therefore allowing for the feeling of fall in LA to be here in PDX so soon!? Why does the chill make my soul flutter?! Does my monkey missing have to do with a ghost in the house who's being mean to me and hiding him and is it the same one that turned the light on the first night we were there??!! Who believes in ghosts anyway!? and why would the bother me?! If my voice is too... classically trained, how can I sing pop songs!? Will I be able to learn to play the cello?!!? Will I be able to afford to get one AND get lessons!?

*huffs, steams and glares*

... and these questions are not meant as accusations, or thrown out in a mean way, but instead are point-blank "I-wanna-know" questions like a kid would ask. They're just questions that I ask with a deep desire to know the answers to. They're... honest and not meant as judgement or accusation... just... an attempt to understand.


~:{ ... }:~ said...

The important part of asking questions is...being prepared to not get any answers? Sometimes the most important part of asking is in the asking itself. Scientists ask all the time, and often the questions lead to more questions...that sometimes, more importantly, refine and shape the initial inquiry. Nothing is every really certain or finite...some things are just open-ended. Also, sometimes answers to forgotten questions are gleaned in the trails forged in seeking the answers of others.

The monkey IS a real bummer. Don't fell bad about being upset. It's upsetting. Truly.